10

OOO

Olivia's eyes slowly peeled open, the smell of coffee permeating her senses. She looked up to examine the alarm clock, 4:02 p.m. Thunder echoed in the near distance and she could hear raindrops hitting the bedroom window before she even looked. It was absolutely pouring outside. Par for the course, she supposed.

She let her head fall heavily back down and reached for her iPhone on the bedside table. Checking her inbox for her text messages, she found that there were none. She put the phone back and closed her eyes again, dwelling once more on the rash act that would most likely cost her so much. There was no excuse for what she did—not for her, not for Elliot, not for any officer of the law. Her job was to remain calm and handle civilians with respect and caution, not beat them to a bloody pulp. She hadn't gotten any texts from Cragen or Elliot or even Fin. She wouldn't be surprised if IAB got involved, although what had happened in the hospital hallway did not need an investigation and was fairly cut and dry and she would absolutely admit to her wrong doing when questioned—which she knew would be in the very near future.

She wanted to know so badly what was going to happen to her and she needed to know before she went out of her mind. Letting out a substantial sigh, she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty," Alex began as she walked into the room with two espresso demitasses in her ivory hands.

"Hey," Olivia yawned, sitting up.

Alex walked up to Olivia and handed her a tiny cup. "Thanks..." She took a small sip, the brew scalding hot. "You found my espresso machine." She smiled. "I'm glad…I've had that thing for three years and have never taken the time to figure it out."

The detective watched as Alex sat in the puffy armchair in her bedroom. The ADA had file folders and papers strewn all around the chair, her leather attaché leaning against the ottoman, and her laptop now on her lap. She must have had those case files in her car, Olivia mused.

"Catching up on business?" Olivia asked.

"More like getting ahead of business…" Alex smirked. "You know I don't like to be behind on anything, detective." Alex took a small sip of her espresso and set it on the small table next to the chair. "How are you feeling?" The attorney's eyes pierced her own, concern and love within those blue pools.

Olivia took a deep breath, "You know…I can't stop thinking about it…I think I even dreamed about it."

Alex nodded slowly.

"Any word from the precinct?" Olivia asked, knowing Alex would have told her if there had been, unless the news was bad, then she might hesitate.

Alex shook her head while taking another sip. "Not yet…I told Elliot I'd call him once you got settled."

Olivia narrowed her eyes, "Settled? Into what? Unemployment?" She laughed lightly but felt her tears form again. God, she was emotional. She shook her head as if to shake off the tears.

Alex stood and put her laptop on the chair and then walked up to the bed, sitting right next to Olivia. She moved a piece of hair behind the brunette's ear and cupped her cheek in her hand. "Don't do this to yourself, Liv. You made a mistake. In the heat of passion, your emotions took over and you slugged the guy. It's called having feelings."

Olivia's tears were now falling, she sniffed. "It's more than that, Alex…" Olivia didn't finish her thought. She didn't actually know what she was trying to say, so many thoughts were running around her mind. She wanted to tell Alex that maybe she was unpredictable like a rabid dog—that she didn't even know who she was any more and that maybe she was dangerous.

"No matter what happens," Alex began, "I will be here for you. I'm not going anywhere, Liv. Ever."

Alex leaned in and gently pressed her lips to Olivia's trembling mouth.

Olivia wanted to tell Alex to run. Go as far as she could away from her. But she let the blonde envelop her in her arms and be gently soothed. It was all she could do for now.

… … … … … …

AAA

Alex dialed the number for Olivia's favorite Asian restaurant and waited. She eyed Olivia as the brunette sat on the sofa in the living room, staring at an infomercial that was excitedly toting an extraordinary exercise product. Even though the brunette had the remote in her hand, she continued to watch the Shake Weight™ commercial, seemingly enraptured, although Alex knew she wasn't exactly watching it.
"Yes," Alex answered, "I would like to place an order for delivery…" Alex waited for the voice on the other end to prepare. "OK, one order of edamame, one cold sesame spinach noodles, one green curry prawn combo, and one General Tso's chicken…no, no drinks…yes…" Alex reached for her purse and took her credit card from her wallet. After reading off the credit card number, she gave Olivia's address and then disconnected the call.

She observed Olivia, noting that she was crying once again. The detective reached in front of her and retrieved a couple of tissues from the box on the coffee table and blew her nose heartily.

Alex walked up to Olivia on the sofa and sat next to her. "Food will be here in about forty-five minutes."

Olivia turned and looked at Alex, her eyes filled with angst, but attempting a smile nonetheless. She nodded, her face contorting in sorrow again. Olivia buried her face in her hands and sobbed uncontrollably.

Alex scooted even closer and put her arm around her detective and put her chin on Olivia's shoulder, squeezing the opposite shoulder comfortingly. Alex had no idea what to say to make her feel less hopeless. She could only offer the comfort of herself.

"I need a drink," Olivia whispered. She got up and padded into the kitchen, the thick fluffy socks making her trip noiseless. Reaching up into the top cabinet above the microwave, she lifted onto her tip-toes and grabbed a bottle.

Alex entered the kitchen and leaned with her back against the counter, hands clasped behind her. Olivia looked irresistibly adorable in her big black t-shirt that came to her mid thighs and big, downy socks. However, the fact that she wanted a drink right now to deal with her emotions didn't make Alex very comfortable. Olivia could be either be extremely happy when drinking or nasty and self-loathing when drinking. It just depended on her mood at the time. Knowing her current state of emotions, Alex feared for the latter.

"Elliot gave this to me for Christmas. He said it's the best whiskey there is." Olivia unscrewed the cap, breaking the safety seal on the bottle of Jameson® whiskey and laughed lightly. "At a hundred twenty-five dollars a pop, it'd better be good." Olivia retrieved two small glasses from the cabinet and then turned to Alex, "Ice?"

Alex nodded, worry etched on her face.

"Oh, come on, Alex. I just want a little drink to take the edge off."

Alex whispered, her voice barely audible, "There are other ways…"

Olivia's brown eyes flashed at the blonde. "What do you suggest? Needlepoint? A nice run through the rain? Going to the squad gym and running the risk of embarrassment?" Olivia brought the ice-filled glasses to the counter where Alex was leaning. She filled each glass one-third of the way and then capped the bottle. Holding her glass in the air, she waited for Alex to lift her own. After they clinked a cheers, Olivia declared, "Bottom's up," a steely expression on her face, her nose red from crying. She downed half the contents immediately and took her glass to the sofa to sit and began flipping through channels, legs tucked underneath her.

Alex joined her on the sofa, cautiously sitting cross-legged and then looking at the TV, her glass resting on her thigh. She took her glasses off, folded them, and set them on the coffee table before leaning back. She took a tiny sip and then proceeded to continue the conversation. She questioned, "How about talking, Liv? That's one way…"

"I'm sure that'll come soon enough," she stated as she held her glass into the air. "To fucking my career and myself in the process." She waited for Alex to clink glasses and when the blonde didn't respond, Olivia took a large gulp anyway.

Alex took a slow, deep breath, trying not to let Olivia hear. However, she did.

"What is it, Alex? Is it the drinking or my abrupt tone or maybe it's the fact that everything can't fixed with sex?" Olivia finished off her glass and walked into the kitchen, retrieved the bottle and brought it back to the sofa, tucking her legs underneath her, once more. She poured herself more, looked at Alex's glass and noted that not much was gone, and then capped the bottle, placing it to the coffee table.

She's going to be an angry drunk, Alex thought with dismay.

It wasn't often Olivia drank, at least not when they had been dating five years prior, but things could have changed. She didn't know what patterns Olivia had gotten herself into over the past five years, good or bad. She did say that she had been in a depression, a slump, for the first four years after Alex had gone into WitSec, but so had the attorney. All Alex knew at that moment was that the vibes that she was getting from Olivia were like solar flares licking at her skin—burning, off-putting and explosive. They weren't the vibes that she and the beautiful detective had shared the day before, which had been ethereal and Heavenly.

They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity while Alex watched Olivia from the corner of her eye as she stared blankly at the television. The infomercial channel was now playing an episode of Who's the Boss? It was the one where Angela and Tony have to sleep in the same bed together and they hang a sheet in between to separate the bed to keep them on their respective sides. Alex continued to eye the brunette as Olivia continued to toss back the strong liquid, not pausing for anything.

"Jesus, Alex…" Olivia complained. "What is it? Is my hair sticking up? What is up?"

Alex ground her teeth and looked back at the screen. "Nothing's wrong, Liv. Nothing at all."

Alex wanted so badly to be comforting to Olivia during this time of need but she was making it very difficult. This cantankerous side, Alex usually found incredibly irresistible in a sadistic sort of way. Many heated fights had been had at work where Olivia would get like this, cheeks flushed, insults flying, a crimson blush creeping along collarbones, both of them one second away from grabbing the other and attacking mouths, hands groping. But right now, Olivia shutting her out and choosing the alcohol instead of communication was more than frustrating. It broke Alex's heart.

What seemed like an eternity of sitting mindlessly in silence must have been only about forty minutes or so because the buzzer for the downstairs door rang. Alex began to get up from the sofa but was stopped by Olivia's hand on her knee.

"I'll get it…you've done enough…"

What did that mean? Alex thought at once.

Olivia wavered slightly upon standing, walked to the intercom by the door, and depressed the button. "Yes?"

"Delivery from Asian Station."

"Come on up." Olivia depressed the button that would unlock the front door downstairs and returned to the sofa, sitting on the edge, ready to get the door again, and poured herself more whiskey.

Alex eyed the bottle. She didn't want to be confrontational but she wanted communication open, so she asked, "What did that mean, I've done enough?"

Olivia licked her lips after taking a large swig. "You've done enough," she stated matter-of-factly. "For God sake, Alex…you came and got me from the hospital, you bathed me, paid for dinner, have stayed here with my fun-loving self…that's all I meant." Olivia's speech was now slightly slurred. Alex knew she hadn't eaten since the previous evening and the alcohol was hitting her with force, not to mention the fact that she was two drinks ahead of Alex.

There was knock on the door. Olivia began to get up but, this time, Alex stopped her. "I'll get it this time. I'm wearing pants."

Olivia sat back down as Alex walked to the door and opened it.

"Delivery?"

"Yes." Alex said as the teenage boy handed Alex two plastic bags full of delicious smelling food. She placed them on the floor as he handed her the receipt and a pen.

"Just sign right here."

Alex quickly figured the tip and then scrawled her signature and handed him the paper and pen, his eyes glued on the pant less woman on the sofa, who had resumed staring at the TV. Olivia noticed the silence and then looked toward the door, smiled, and then held up her glass to toast the delivery boy.

Alex could see why he was staring, although Olivia was very obviously oblivious to how she looked. The brunette had made herself comfortable on the sofa and was now lying down the length of the sofa, her t-shirt barely covering her beige silk underwear underneath.

Alex turned back to the mesmerized boy. "Thank you." She closed the door and picked up the bags from the floor and walked them into the kitchen. She placed them on the counter and then returned, tossing a throw from the back of the chair at Olivia. "Well, if he wasn't a man yet, you've made him one now…" Alex folded her arms.

"What?" Olivia looked truly confused.

"You gave that poor boy an erection with your ensemble, or lack thereof." She indicated by nodding and raising her eyebrows at Olivia's lower half.

Olivia looked down, "Oh, Jesus, Alex. Loosen up…" She tossed the blanket aside and stood bringing her glass and bottle with her into the kitchen. "You're always so fucking tense. You need to learn to have a good time. You don't even seem like you're happy to be here," she slurred. "You've had this serious, pissed-off, cold look on your face since we got here."

Alex's eyes began to sting as they filled with tears. She knew Olivia didn't mean what she had said but it hurt, nonetheless. Olivia began rooting around the bags, taking Styrofoam containers out and spreading them along the counter, not even realizing the effect her words had on the blonde. Alex removed herself from the room and went into the master bathroom, closing the door quietly behind her and sitting on the ledge of the bathtub. She began to cry.

OOO

Olivia looked up, ready to dig into the food. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until she began smelling the garlic and spices. "Alex?" she questioned, stepping into the living area and waiting. "Alex?" she called again, this time walking down the short hallway to the bedroom. "Alex, are you in here?"

Olivia heard a noise behind her from inside the bathroom, it was a muffled whimper.

Alex was crying. Shit, Olivia thought, guiltily. She closed her eyes briefly, the room beginning to spin, and rubbed her forehead with her hand. Walking to the bathroom door, she had to steady herself against the dresser next to it.

"Alex?" Olivia asked, her voice coming out softer. "Are you OK? Food's getting cold."

"Go ahead and eat, Olivia. I'm not feeling well." Alex's voice was direct yet shaky.

"Al, is it your stomach? Maybe it's the espresso…" Olivia was still trying to piece it together.

"It's not my stomach, Detective…" the muffled voice continued.

That was a slap, Olivia mused.

Olivia took a step back as she heard the bathroom handle turning, a red-cheeked, tear stained Alex looking at her determinedly as she exited, and then stood with her arms folded, facing the window. "I want us to be open with each other," Alex began.

Olivia waited, not saying anything. The buzz she was feeling right now was perfect. She didn't feel any emotions and she wanted to keep it that way. She didn't want to think about anything except eating and sleeping. Was that so wrong?

Alex turned, a questioning look on her face. "Don't you?"

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed before she fell over. "What do you want me to say, Alex?" She rubbed her face with both hands and then scratched her head vigorously before looking back at the blonde.

Alex approached Olivia and knelt in front of her, placing her hands on her knees, "I want you to talk to me, tell me what you're feeling instead of making jabs at me and saying things I know you don't mean." Alex's eyes watered mercilessly, the tears threatening to spill.

Olivia realized now, why Alex was upset. Even though her head was fuzzy and her mind not working efficiently at the moment, she realized what she had done to Alex. Olivia began crying. "And this is why you don't need me!" She said angrily. She ran her fingers through her hair and put her arms behind her. "Are you a glutton for punishment?

Alex shook her head.

"Because you'd have to be to want to be with me." Olivia continued. "Yesterday was perfect because it had been so long since we had seen each other. Since we had alone, together time just between us. It was perfect because I think we both forgot…"

Through tears, Alex questioned, "Forgot what, Olivia?"

Olivia shook her head and laughed lightly. She stood abruptly, stumbling in the process. She walked to the window and stared out at the darkening sky, the lampposts just illuminating. Spencer was out on the sidewalk with his dog Mitzi. It seemed like things should be perfect.

She could feel herself swaying, becoming slightly nauseated from the lack of food in her stomach. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she felt Alex's presence, waiting patiently behind her. "That I could be this way. That I can sometimes be the person you wondered why you ever even bothered with."

"But, I can be, too, Liv…" Alex tried.

Olivia shook her head, her nausea growing, "I am so screwed up…I can't even have a normal relationship…" She held her forehead in her hands. "Someone as perfect and wonderful as you wants me and I have to mess it up like always."

She could feel Alex's warm hands clasp her arms and her breath on her cheek as she rested her chin on her left shoulder. Suddenly, Alex's cell phone rang. Alex waited for a moment, rubbing Olivia's upper arms…

"Just get it," Olivia said, walking away and sitting in the puffy armchair, leaning her whirling head back.

She listened as Alex answered. "Cabot…yeah…OK…allright…OK, we'll be here…OK, see you soon." She disconnected the phone and slipped it back in her jeans pocket.

Olivia just looked at Alex, eyebrows raised, waiting. "And?"

"That was Elliot…"

"OK…and he said…" Sarcasm overflowed from Olivia.

"He's coming over with news…" Alex looked down at Olivia's legs. "Maybe you should put some pants on."

Olivia glared at Alex, her nausea and heat in her cheeks from the alcohol making her even angrier.

… … … … … …