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Once Upon a Time at Hogwarts
Jack and the Beanstalk
Severus woke to the shrill call of Minerva McGonagall, ordering him to milk the cow. This was getting to be more than absurd.
Grumbling, he got out of bed, stretched his lanky form, and went to fetch the milk. To his consternation, he was unable to get any. Either he was doing something wrong, or the cow was dry.
"Oh, no," Minerva sighed when she saw the lack of fruit for his labor, "I knew one day this would happen. We've been living solely off of her for the last few months. You'll just have to take her into town and sell her." With that, the woman was bustling off once again. Severus rubbed his face and looked at the cow. It looked back. He scowled. It was too bloody early.
Soon enough, he was heading to the village, the cow plodding along behind. He felt quite undignified.
"Hello there, Severus," a voice squeaked, close to the ground by the side of the road. Severus turned to look and raised an eyebrow. It was Filius Flitwick. The Charms Professor beckoned him closer. "Where might you be going today?"
"I'm going to sell the cow," Severus replied, and cringed. He never thought he'd be saying those words.
"I see," Filius said, with a glint in his eye, "How about a trade?" He reached in his pocket and pulled out five beans. They squirmed and wiggled in his hand, making fizzy noises.
"What is that," Severus didn't bother keeping the distain out of his voice. There was no way in real life that he would trade a cow for something he didn't know anything about, but he figured it was inevitable that he would have to trade for them in this case. It just amused him to be able to vex his peers while in this state.
"Plant one in your backyard and tomorrow you'll have vegetation that'll reach the clouds."
"Really," Severus adopted an incredulous tone.
"I know you don't believe me, so I'll let you take the cow back tomorrow if it doesn't work."
Severus pretended to think on it for a minute, just to let the man sweat, before saying, "You'd better be here tomorrow." His glare made the man squeak and tremble an affirmative.
Now, he could walk back, looking slightly more dignified, as he wasn't dragging a cow around. He entered the cottage to see Minerva blink and smile at him.
"Back so soon? Well, how much did you get for her?"
Severus smirked. He knew the answer would irk her. "You'll never guess."
Her eyes glinted, "Better than you thought then? Five pounds? Ten? More than that?"
"Even better," Severus pulled out the beans. They whizzed and squirmed obligingly. Minerva turned red.
You gave up our last means of living for potions ingredients?" She thundered. She slapped the back of his head, grabbed the beans, and threw them out the window. "Get back to bed. There'll be no food for you tonight. There's barely enough for me as it is, thanks to you!"
"Fine by me," Severus grumbled, not quite liking being taken to task as if he were half his age. He was still tired anyways.
Severus woke. His nose crinkled at what seemed to be the smell of rotted vegetation. His room was tinted green, and when he looked out the window, he could see why. There were leaves, sun filtering through them, blocking the whole window. It wasn't like that yesterday. He opened the window.
The smell grew stronger, but he leaned out and looked up. The beanstalk seemed to go on forever. He climbed out onto it and started up it. It took quite a few minutes, but soon he came level with the clouds and to his astonishment, there was a road on them. Cautious, he set his foot upon the road while maintaining a tight hold of the beanstalk. He didn't much care for heights. He lived in the dungeons, for Merlin's sake. Also, he couldn't completely trust that a road on the clouds would be completely stable. It was though, and he stepped out onto it and walked down the path.
The path eventually led to a very large house, and on the steps of it was Madame Maxime. She was quite a bit larger than when he had seen her at the Tri-wizard competition. There were no excuses like big bones available now to deter anyone from seeing that she was a giantess. He opened his mouth to speak, but it seemed his stomach wanted to say something first, for it let out an unreasonably loud grumble. This caught the attention of the giantess.
"You might want to go back vere you came from eef you don't want to get eaten, young man," She sighed morosely, her French accent getting heavier with her aggravation, "I shouldn't have married zat ogre. 'E is 'orrible, and will eat any guests we ever have, eef given the chance. I will nevair have a social life!" She started crying in a delicate way that only a French giantess can.
Severus grudgingly patted her on the shin, since that was as high as he could reach. "There, there," he muttered uneasily.
She sniffled, but looked down at him. "You are so kind. Ze least I could do would be to give you some food. Maybe you 'ave some gossip?" She perked up at the thought of this.
Severus smirked. "I have quite a few interesting stories to tell."
He followed her into the large house, and allowed her to place him on the table top. He proceeded to regale her with some of his latest adventures as he ate crepes, and she listened avidly. He was in the middle of his crepe (it was ogre-size) and his adventure as a bear in Goldilocks when they heard a loud stomping that almost shook him from the table.
Madame Maxime gasped, "Oh mon dieu! What am I to do?" She fretted and looked around, then opened the oven door. "Get in here!"
Severus raised an eyebrow from where he crouched on the table. "You're not serious?" There was no way he was getting into an oven.
The woman sighed, plucked him off the table, and tossed him in, shutting the door right before her ogre of a husband walked in.
Severus scowled with arms folded tightly across his chest, pacing the length of the inside of the oven. As if the day couldn't get any worse. He heard the voice of what sounded like Hagrid, if he was an evil git.
A couple of thumps where made, as though something was tossed on the table.
"There, woman, boil 'em for dinner." A pause. "I smell something … different. Have you been having company Olympe? You know how I don' like strangers around you, especially strange men."
"N-no, Hagrid, I 'ave been alone zis whole time! What took you so long? You are an hour late! Now go get washed up, there is blood in your beard!"
Severus noted what a bad relationship this was, as he was jolted by the stomping of Hagrid, signaling he was leaving the room. He was about to sneak out, when Madame Maxime opened the door a crack.
"Wait until 'e has eaten. 'E will sleep then." The door closed on him, and he had no choice but to do as she told, for Hagrid had stomped back in not long after to eat.
A short while after the hideous sound of crunching and chewing, Severus' ears perked up at the tinkling of coins striking each other. He heard as Hagrid counted aloud the coins, until the giant fell asleep over them, stopping at quite a large number. His snores sounded throughout the house. Severus took that at his cue. He slid out from the oven door, making sure it did not slam back into place, and crept silently across the room. He took a look at the giant, who seemed to be as large as all of Hogwarts' greenhouses put together. He then took in the sight of all the galleons surrounding the snoring man.
He thought of Minerva, or more accurately, about not having a meal when he got back, and his stomach rumbled convincingly. Using his slight build, honed from spying and duels, he lithely climbed a chair, and then up to the table top, careful to not make much noise, even though the giant's snoring drowned out most of the world. With a little effort, and some swift maneuvering, he was able to filch one of the two money bags from under Hagrid's arm.
He fairly sauntered back to the bean stalk, smug at his catch, and tossed it down before him, hoping Minerva wasn't gardening. He then climbed down after. When he was safe on the ground again he picked up the bag, which had miraculously not burst or killed anyone, and dragged it into the house. Minerva saw this and hurried over. She gasped and fanned herself when he showed her what was inside.
"Well, Minerva, I guess I was right. The beans really are magical." He enjoyed the mix of expressions on her face, a cross between sour and happy. It always felt good to one-up a Gryffindor. He still hadn't forgiven her for slapping him on the back of his head, though.
Being ambitious and more than slightly reckless, Severus decided it would be a brilliant idea to go back up the next day and scrounge and swindle what else he could from the giant. Anything to get the Scottish harridan of a woman off his back for a century or two. He would never confess the secret and disturbing pleasure he got from living his life on the edge.
He was soon in front of the super size house once again.
"Madame," He called in greeting, and the large woman looked down from where she was standing in the doorway.
"Oh! It eez you!" She huffed and frowned, crossing her arms, "My husband would not like to see ze likes of you around 'ere! After ze nerve you 'ave to steal from him?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Severus replied back blandly. Before the Giantess could get in a protest, he struck, "We never got to finish the stories I was sharing with you yesterday."
Madam Maxime examined him for a little while with narrowed eyes, but reluctantly let him in, where things commenced much as before, him eating a giant-sized portion of food, and her listening intently to his stories.
Soon enough the warning sounds of approaching giant were noted, and Severus was once again tossed undignified into the oven. He tried not to touch any of the edges. Who knew how many people had been cooked in it.
The crunching was heard, and not long after supper, the giant grunted, "Bring ther bird tha' lays the gold eggs." Now this, Severus had to see.
Peaking through a crack in the oven, he saw the profile of the giant, and in his hand there was … Fawkes? The bird obviously was unhappy with its situation. Severus watched as the giant boomed "lay," and how the phoenix grimaced before laying a golden egg. He blinked. Not only had he never thought about those particular birds laying eggs, but Fawkes was a boy … wasn't he?
Never mind. Severus knew that, before he left, he would have that Phoenix to take with him.
Following much the same routine as yesterday, Severus waited until Hagrid was sleeping and the Giantess occupied with some outside chore before he climbed the table to take his prize. When Fawkes saw him, he cooed quietly and soothingly from his golden cage. Severus opened the cage, grabbed the Phoenix' tail-feathers, and was off. Fawkes squawked a little at the weight, causing the giant to stir from his sleep. Severus was happy to be out of the house by the time he heard the loud roar from inside, not a minute later. The Phoenix swooped gracefully down, spiraling around the beanstalk, until they had reached the ground again. Minerva was already out in the yard, having heard the loud roaring.
"What is going on, young man?" Minerva exclaimed.
Severus gestured to the Phoenix now on his shoulder, "We have a new pet."
The Scottish witch was somewhat placated when he showed that it could lay golden eggs.
The next day, still feeling the high adrenaline rush of achievement and escape, Severus decided to push his luck once again. This time, he knew it would be wise to avoid seeing Madam Maxime. She would more likely than not squash him, just as she had warned of her husband. She would no doubt know who had stolen the Phoenix.
He crept into the house when the Giantess was occupied and hid within the pots and pans. The large man stomped in not a minute later, and paused.
"Olympe! It's the smell again! That of an Englishman!"
"Too right," Severus muttered, smirking.
The giant and giantess ran to the stove to look inside, both disappointed with the emptiness of it. "I'll catch that little bugger if it's the las' thing I do," Hagrid grumbled solemnly, "Now, dinner woman!"
Severus watched as, after dinner, the giant reached out to a nearby cabinet and pulled from it a golden harp. What was interesting about this harp was the fact that there was a woman on it, in flowing robes. Severus blinked when he realized it was Hermione. She was scowling, her arms folded in protest, but quivered in fear when the giant roared at her to sing, and commenced to sing in a beautiful, if fearful, voice.
"T-twinkle, twinkle, little, ah, star …" She obviously didn't remember much of the lines, for she hummed the rest of the song, but the Hagrid didn't seem to mind. In fact, he was asleep, something that Severus would be taking advantage of really soon. He crawled out from the dusty pots and pans, swiping half-heartedly at the dust on his clothes, before making his way to the table.
When Hermione saw him, she stopped singing and grinned widely, "Thank heavens! I don't think I could have remembered another song, and this loaf gets easily bored." She allowed him to pick her up, and he started to descend the table and chair carefully.
"Aaachoo!" Her sneeze echoed slightly through the kitchen. The giant snorted, but didn't wake. Both Severus and Hermione sighed in relief, but after descending a bit more, Hermione had an attack of wheezing that couldn't be covered. Hagrid woke up just in time to see Severus running out the door with his harp. He roared in anger and stood, both the table and chair crashing to the side. He moved the furniture out of the way of the door and took off after the thief.
Severus was running at his fastest speed. He didn't know if he could actually die while in the fairy tales, but he didn't really want to find out. Thankful for the slight lead, he started climbing down the beanstalk, not an easy feat with the harp almost as large as he was in his hand. She whimpered and clung to his waist with her arms and he recalled hearing something as a professor about her not liking heights. He glanced up after a little while to see the giant, who had a canny resemblance to Hagrid, looking down dumbly, as if he had never seen a giant beanstalk before. Well, nobody could really claim so, but in any case, he was grateful for one more opportunity to gain more distance between them. Hermione started to sneeze again. She scowled and brushed the dust off of Severus' shoulder with a golden hand before sliding her arm back around his waist.
The sneezing shook the giant out of his daze, and he grabbed the beanstalk and started his descent. Severus could feel his movements through the vegetation, and was glad to see the ground so close. Soon enough, he was off the bean stalk, panting and looking up to gauge how far the ogre was from him. It seemed he was close to half way.
Severus fumbled around in his pockets, searching for his only hope at cutting the stalk down before the ogre could reach the bottom. He didn't know why he hadn't looked for it before. He guessed because he hadn't had it for most of the fairy tales they'd gone through. Triumphantly, he pulled out his wand from an inner coat pocket. Wasting no time, he twirled and jabbed at the trunk of the large beanstalk.
"Sectumsempra!" It took a few uses of it before he heard the evidence of his work, a large creaking. Minerva came out at all the noise and gasped when she saw what was coming down from the sky.
A few seconds and a spell later, the stalk gave a loud groan and started to fall, thankfully away from Minerva's house, and into some nearby empty fields. The ogre fell with a great roar to echo the beanstalk, and then all was silence as the dust settled in the fields.
Severus sighed in relief. That was close. He smirked at Minerva, who was glaring at him. He then introduced her to the harp.
"Why, hello my dear!" Minerva stared at the harp-attached woman.
Hermione sneezed in answer, and the world faded out.
A/N: This was taken from Joseph Jacob's version of the tale. If you liked it leave reviews!