I never regretted having done it with Liu.

Perhaps this was the biggest problem. My sense of virtues and dignity, my vanity and pride…none of them existed anymore.

I deserved the punishment Jeff gave me.

"Jane, are you alright?" Liu asked.

But I could only hear Jeff's voice.

I was wrapped in his arms. The steam was suffocating. He had filled the bathtub with hot water.

He wanted to watch me melt, so very slowly, before him.

Jeff, the water's too hot. It's hurting me."

We were bathing, first thing in the morning. I had told him that I got to shower before heading to school. We woke up an hour earlier than usual, just to avoid being caught red-handed by my parents. I had to change the bed sheets and basically everything that had been stained with our juice.

I was running a fever. He adjusted our positions so that I was resting on his lap. He placed one hand on my forehead and another one on the tap. I sighed in relief as streams of cold water poured into our tub.

I've always dreamed of us taking a bath together," he whispered, tracing my ear with his tongue. He knew all my sensitive parts and the fact that I had completely no immunity against him was the best weapon he could wield to monopolise me. He enjoyed my moans under his teasing. His fingers interlaced playfully with mine. He licked the spots he had bitten the previous night, as if the temporary hickeys weren't sufficient to mark his love. He wanted to turn them permanent so that his feelings for me would be forever engraved on my body.

No, Jeff, not…in the morning. I'm…tired."

He pinched my nipples and kissed my body.

I really could die of pleasure.

Jeff!" I squirmed when his hand suddenly dived deep into the water, finding my opening in a second flat.

Please…I can't take this anymore," I groaned. I felt like fainting.

"Be quiet and let me do the magic. I promise you, you'll feel like you were in heaven."

I was already in heaven. He kept fingering and kissing me until I came and fell dizzily on his chest.

I almost passed out.

"Jane? Jane?"

I snapped out of my trance and stared at Liu's waving palm.

"Are you alright?" he asked, staring at a pack of pills in my hands.

"Oh, uh, yes, yes I am." I swiftly stuffed the pills back into my pocket and smiled.

"Are those…" he trailed off with a slight blush.

I nodded sheepishly.

It had been two days already and I still hadn't taken them.

I would definitely end up bearing Jeff's child.

"Jane, er…did you finish your assignments?"

"What assignments?" I frowned.

"We have to finish the Math workbook, remember? Fifteen pages of them."

Liu scratched his head nervously. "And a project outline for Literature."

"Oh, I…I completely forgot about that."

I dug into my school bag worriedly. I didn't want to get a detention at school. After Mum's outburst the other day, there was no way I could disappoint her any further. Keeping my grades up would be the only thing I could do to please her.

"Why, you've already finished them," Liu said, flipping through my workbook.

"What? It can't be."

I scanned through my work once more and just as what Liu saw, it was full of handwritings.

"It's not just complete but of high quality too," Liu said.

"No, I didn't do these," I sighed. "Damn, it must…be Jeff."

"Jeff?"

"He did them for me while I was asleep…" I said, somehow reminding myself of our wild sex two nights ago.

"I see. As expected of him."

"What?"

"Even without schooling, he can study perfectly on his own," Liu said. "He wouldn't want you to be scolded, I guess."

"Maybe."

"Jane, wanna grab some lunch at the cafeteria together? The bell's rung. In fact, I came here for that reason too."

"Oh, um…" I glimpsed the clock, suddenly realising the morning lessons had all been over. "Of course. Of course, it'd be nice."

"It's my treat today."

Liu took my hand and we left the classroom together.

The cafeteria was jammed with people and it was cold.

Winter was coming. Soon, it would be snowing.

Leaves were falling.

It had been four months since I met Jeff. Nothing had changed about my feelings for him. Our love would remain across seasons and decades.

I wished this was the truth.

"Jane, are you really alright?" Liu asked. We got one of the empty spots. The good thing about being an outcast was that we never really had to look for seats. People cleared off the space for us.

He must have seen me hobbling. I hadn't been able to walk properly since that night.

"Did he…do this to you?" Liu asked, staring at the back of my neck. I gulped and immediately covered the bite mark with my collar.

"It's…alright."

I smiled, though my eyes betrayed me. They were stocked with tears, so many of them.

I'm just pathetic.

If this body of mine could comfort Jeff, I wouldn't mind however many times he banged me, as long as he lavished his love upon me.

"Tell me what you want to eat," Liu sighed. "I'll get them for you."

"Really, you don't have to-"

"Sit still, Jane," he ordered. "Just…sit here. I'll do the rest."

He returned with two bowls of noodles and knowing that I loved prawn cutlets, he ordered two dishes for me.

Seriously, was it a curse to have these two brothers loving me so much?

Or was it bliss to be spoiled this way?

I couldn't differentiate between blessings and misfortune. Not anymore.

"Liu, I'm perfectly fine," I assured him.

"If he ever goes overboard, I will tell him off," Liu said.

"Well, at least he finished all the assignments for me."

"That's because you couldn't even move properly," Liu argued.

"Jeff cares about me. He really does. He says he's sorry. I believe he is."

"I guess…" Liu looked away and blushed. "That's the part I don't like about him. He's always so full of himself. He likes breaking others but then he comes back comforting you and you'll always forgive him. He makes you unable to do any stuff but then he will do everything for you secretly as if it's to make up for the pain he's put you through."

"Exactly, you…understand him so well."

"Of course I understand him," Liu said, his face turning red. "We grow up together. We do things together. We fall in love together."

"You love him, don't you?"

"I'm so envious, Jane. He's my brother. I love him. And that's precisely why I'm so jealous. He always gets what he wants, including you, Jane. I…I've always had my eyes on you since we met and he knew that too. He made an advance just to taunt me. And then he fell in love with you as well. It's so unfair. I…I can never do things he can. I can't even compete with him."

"Liu, you're good in your own way. Trust me."

"When I was small, I used to look up to him. I admired Jeff. I aspired to be just like him and he said the same thing to me." Liu lowered his head and mumbled, "He said I'm special. He loves me the way I am…"

"True. He loves you because you're special. No one can replace you. Not me, not anyone. You'll always be brothers no matter what."

"Jane…I don't know why but every time I talk to you, I feel exceptionally at ease," he said. "Maybe that's why…that's why I love you."

I didn't respond.

We handed in the assignments and skipped the rest of the afternoon classes.

We stayed behind the school building, a couple of blocks away from the gate. We rested under a willow tree. Everything was painted brown.

It's the end of autumn, the beginning of winter.

We sat down on the floor and leaned against the tree. I nestled my head on his lap. He started reading a book he had been carrying for a week. I took a peek. Wuthering Heights.

"I don't know you're into this stuff."

"I found it on Dad's bookshelf and took it without asking."

"You and Jeff seriously like doing things on a whim."

"I'm…sorry, Jane."

He put down the book and brushed my bangs. Our eyes met the instant the willow swayed, in the winter wind.

"I owe you many, many apologies," he said. Tears tickles down his cheeks, off his chin and to my forehead.

Time ceased at that very moment.

He trembled and rubbed his eyes. He wiped off those tears but more seemed to be coming out.

"Liu, don't hold it back. I don't mind, really."

And then he cried, for a very, very long time. My face was soaked with his tears.

"That day, I came back from school," he said. "Jeff was there, standing in front of my bedroom door. I didn't realise it then, not until I looked inside. I knew he had found it. It was my fault. I forgot to lock the drawer and he found it. He read the diary. He read that entry… He normally wouldn't do something like that. He he couldn't control himself. And he found out…he found out that we…"

"I know, Liu. I know he knows," I said bitterly.

"He was standing there…just standing…I couldn't take my eyes off him because he…" Liu paused and frowned. "I thought he would hit me, yell at me, take his revenge on me, but he didn't. He was just standing there with a blank face. And then he broke down. He never cried this much in front of me."

"I told him I was the one who seduced you first. I told him not to vent his anger on you. I told him to forgive you and if he had to hate someone, hate me. He didn't say a thing. He was just there, standing, and crying, in front of me. I couldn't do a thing. And so I cried with him. I said I was sorry. So sorry. He said he was too. He said it must be a great pain for you to choose between us. He said you might be better off with me instead but he couldn't give up on you just yet."

Liu paused again. For a long moment, he just stared ahead. "And then I realised I could never compare to him."

He bent down to hug me. "Jane,my brother loves you more than his life. This is one thing I can never compete with him. Whatever you do, even if it hurts him, he's willing to overlook it. I'm so selfish. I made both of you suffer. I'm so sorry, Jane. I'll pay for it with my lifetime. I'll do everything you tell me to, as long as it makes you two happy. So forgive me, Jane."

"I'm never mad at you, Liu," I said and kissed him on the cheek. "Neither of you."

"He must have been jealous because I touched you. And that's why he did this to you…right?" Liu touched my bruised neck bitterly.

"I told you it's fine. I don't mind what he does to my body, as long as it's still…valuable to him."

"I don't want you hurt, Jane. You shared my pain so I would share yours too. If Jeff ever overdoes it, tell me and I'll defend you."

"That's pretty enough," I smiled. "You care and that's enough."

"That's only because you're the only one who cares about us." he whispered, burying his face in my shoulder. "More than anything in this world."

oOo

"Jeff, stop it!"

The cut was deep and merciless.

The soil turned red.

I stood motionless. He twirled his knife and peeled off the orange fur. The fox let out a strained squeal.

"Stop it," I cried. When my words failed to get through him, I turned to Liu. He was just standing there, his eyes hollow.

The blade delved deep into the flattened skull. He twisted the handle several times, seemingly enjoying the blood-letting ceremony.

How have we come to this?

At last, he chucked away the corpse.

"Stop him!" I shouted and shook Liu. "Stop your brother!"

"It's no use, Jane," Jeff said.

He grabbed the baby squirrel and kneaded its neck, a second before he brought the blade to its throat.

The two foxes might have deserved it, for toying with their prey.

But the squirrel was meant to live.

"It won't live long anyway," Jeff finally explained and tuned to us. Still, Liu didn't say a word.

"What's the use of surviving if one has to suffer for the rest of their life?" Jeff questioned us. He stood up and rubbed his bloody palms with his jeans. "Right, Jane?"

"You're wrong," I retorted. "We could have saved that squirrel. Why did you kill it? Why?"

"I told you," he growled and stomped towards me. "Jane, that squirrel wouldn't live long with those injuries. Treat it as a deed. We killed the bullies for the small one. And now the poor child could sleep in peace. FOREVER."

The word "forever" chilled me to bones. He leaned closer and gave me a kiss, a passionate one that tasted of sweat and blood. It made me choke.

"You weren't supposed to do this," Liu finally spoke and glared at Jeff.

"Tell me about it."

"It's natural they preyed on the squirrel. Why did you have to kill those animals?" Liu argued. "We should have never interfered. And it's savage."

"I do what I like. I'm the one who discovered this land. It is mine. So is this forest. I decide what to do with the dwellers in this territory. They pissed me off. They reminded me of Randy's gang. If they weren't going to devour it, they might as well stop abusing it."

Jeff scowled and pushed Liu against the tree. "Got a problem with that?"

"You're out of your mind," Liu said. It was the first time he talked back to his brother. "We are humans. They are animals. We don't act alike. There's a difference between hunting and bullying."

"They are the same," Jeff snarled. "Rationality is what makes you weak, Liu."

"I would rather be weak than be a sadistic psychopath."

Thwack!

And there it went, the beginning of their fallen relationship.

Jeff tackled Liu to the ground and smacked him. Liu retaliated and punched him in the face. The two brothers rolled on the ground. If there was something more horrendous than Jeff's killing spree, it would have to be their typical brother fights.

"Stop it!" I yelled, no longer able to contain myself. "Stop it!" I separated the two, shoving them each to the ground.

"Stop fighting. You two are brothers!" I cried. "You should get along!"

They didn't answer. They glared at each other and panted. Liu was already in tears.

"I hate this. Just stop it, won't you? It's pointless. It won't get us anywhere. It won't solve anything at all."

Jeff stood up from the ground and sighed. I took Liu's hand and helped him up.

"Jeff, you….you're still seeing that psychiatrist, aren't you?" I asked.

"Yes..."

He grunted and smashed his fist to a tree.

"Jeff!"

His fist started bleeding the second he removed it from the dent.

"I'm sorry. I just…don't know what's gotten into my head."

Jeff shook his head and fell to the ground.

"It doesn't help at all. Those pills aren't working. I keep seeing him at night. He just wouldn't leave me alone."

"Who?" I gasped. "Randy?"

"That bastard…even in death he's haunting me…" Jeff hugged his head. "I'm sorry I did it again. I didn't mean to…I mean, it helps to forget sometimes, while ripping something into pieces. I would imagine it is him I'm killing. I just can't kill him enough. I…I can't sleep. I've tried so many sleeping pills…so many anesthetics. None of them could cure my insomnia. And the more I try to sleep, the more thoughts I keep picking up. Nothing can help me…No one can help me."

"That…That's not true. Jeff, there must be a way."

"I'm sorry I messed up again," he sobbed. "I'm sorry, Liu."

"Jane is right. There must be a way to handle this," Liu said and knelt down beside his brother. "We'll help you get through this."

"I can only hold on because you two are here with me," Jeff said. "I don't know what I will do if I'm alone."

"You aren't alone."

"You never are."