Title: Consequnces.
Pairing: Lisa/Deanna, past Deanna/Castiel.
Spoilers: Up to the end of season 6.
Words: Too many. Way too many.
Warnings: Mentions main character death. The C word. OCs. Homosexuality of the lesbian kind. Violence. WIP. Mentions of non-con and torture. A tragic lack of Cas in the first few chapters.
Summary: Always-a-girl!Dean. As Deanna Winchester gives birth, history tries to repeat itself. AU series 6. Shockingly long fic. Lisa/Deanna, Castiel/Deanna.
Anger coursed through Deanna, dulled by the long hours of headspace, but still very fucking there. Deanna rubbed the remaining droplets of holy water off her face with her sleeve, feeling her muscles coil with rage. Her fury built up within her, gaining momentum with each passing moment.
The side of her face tingled from the force of Castiel's stare, but when Deanna turned to look at him, his expression was more senere than she'd seen in years. It probably had something to do with the sleeping infant in his arms.
It figured that he'd have more of a maternal instinct than she did.
A particularly loud burst of laughter made Castiel break his creepy staring-contest with her to frown at Gabriel. Deanna followed his gaze automatically, catching a glimpse of unhappiness on Ben's face before it disappeared when he realized she was looking.
A flicker of concern lit in her gut, bringing her anger to heel. Ben ducked his head slightly, masterfully avoiding her eyes, staring forcefully at Gabriel.
"Gabriel."
Gabriel smirked obnoxiously at his younger brother, voice ringing with laughter when he spoke, "What?" Castiel increased his glare. "Oh, c'mon-"
"Whoa, whoa," Deanna intervened, raising her hands in a calming gesture, inserting herself between the two archangels. "Knock it off, tough guys."
Gabriel turned mirthful eyes to her, but Cas continued to stare at his brother, though she could tell by the way his posture was angled towards her that he was listening. Just not enough.
It annoyed Deanna enough that she thoughtlessly reached out, and grabbed his shoulder. In an instant, all of Castiel's attention switched to her, head jerking round to pin her with an intense stare. It was like watching a speeding train suddenly switching tracks.
"Hey," Deanna said forcefully, moving her hand away from Castiel's tan trenchcoat. His eyes tracked her hand briefly, before meeting her eyes. Sometimes the color of his eyes still gave her a little start, making her swallow before she spoke. "We don't have time for this."
Castiel's brow creased, his expression hardening the tiniest bit. Deanna returned his stare with a frown of her own. Cas was acting weird- weirder than usual anyway. More aggressive, maybe. More emotional, definitely.
His eyes were the same, though. An intense, startling blue that hit her square in the chest, sending a bolt of heat down her body, simmering low enough in her stomach that it was definitely lust.
Outside the little bubble Deanna and Castiel had unknowningly created for themselves, Gabriel looked between them, shared an awkward grimace with Ben about the staring, and noticed that there was barely 5 inches between them.
Deanna was snapped out of her staring contest by a long, high whistle from Gabriel, drawing her and Castiel's eyes towards the archangel. Gabriel's mouth was forming an exaggerated O of surprise.
"Oooo-kay. You guys should seriously get a room before the tension kills us all," Gabriel shook his head. The archangel angled his face down as he said, seemingly to himself, "I'm not sure if it's sexual or just plain awkward."
"Dude," Deanna snapped, glancing at Ben. Like she'd have sexual tension with anyone around Ben, after what happened with his mom, or Mary, because...well, that was just gross.
Gabriel raised his head to scoff at her. "Oh, like you haven't said worse around the kid."
"Gabriel," Castiel said again, deep voice growling.
...damnit. Deanna really hated how hot his voice was. It wasn't her fault that the last time she'd heard Castiel's voice that low and dark he'd been more interested in getting her to stop teasing him, and let him, huh, touch her than tearing his brother a new one over her.
It was distracting. Very, very distracting. Maybe there was some sexual tension after all...
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Get lost. Skedaddle. Vamoose." Gabriel sniffed with exaggerated offended dignity, taking a step away from her with each word, absently ruffling Ben's hair as he passed. "Pfft! I know when I'm not wanted."
"Really?" Deanna grumbled at him.
The archangel abruptly disappeared with the heavy flutter of wings, and a lingering chuckle. Deanna was aware of his departure on a strange, psychic level. It felt like a release of pressure on some kind of muscle.
It was fucking weird, and one of the last things that Deanna wanted to think about. It was bad enough watching Sam developing psychic powers, let alone experiencing it first hand because Cas was too strong for a condom to remain intact.
Pushing those thoughts aside, Deanna turned back to Bobby's door, raising her leg to press against the door.
Castiel shifted beside her as he realized what she was about to do, shielding Mary from any possible flying debris. "I could teleport into Bobby Singer's house."
Deanna glanced over at him, catching the confusion in his eyes. She flashed him some teeth. "Nah." Deanna twisted her head back, catching Ben's eyes. "Might wanna stand back a little, kid."
Ben's eyes widened a little, and he moved down the steps to where Gabriel had been standing. "Far enough?" he asked.
"Yeah," Deanna grunted, setting her gaze on the door. The strong muscles in her legs uncoiled, slamming her foot into the door which shook violently, but did not break immediately. Bobby had some pretty good locks. It would take a few kicks before the lock broke.
"Won't you kicking the door down freak him out even more?" Ben asked, hanging back uncertainly.
"Should do," Deanna agreed darkly, preparing for another kick. Her anger had faded, but the lingering burn in her chest hadn't. "But if I know Bobby as well as I think I do-"
It occurred to Deanna that maybe she didn't know Bobby so well, and her next kick was extra vicious. The lock gave in with a loud crash, and the door burst open, spilling sunlight into Bobby's familiar home.
"-then he'll already be done in the panic room by now," Deanna finished as she walked through to Bobby's living room, taking an extra long look at the kitchen table which saw more books than meals before turning around to face Cas and Ben.
Deanna wasn't exactly eager to drag answers out of Bobby now that she was actually in his house, so close to getting a goddamn explanation, but she shoved the feeling down, trying to smother it with the burn of betrayal in her chest.
"Why does he have a panic room?" Ben wondered.
"Uh-" Deanna scratched her forehead absently, glancing between Cas and Ben. "Cas will explain that while I go talk to Bobby."
The way Ben's expression shut down added to Deanna's dawning notion that telling Cas to explain anything to anyone was an awful idea, but she wanted to speak to Bobby alone.
Castiel glanced at Ben, not failing to pick up on the kid's hostile feelings judging by the smallest change in his expression.
"But what if he shoots you?" Ben demanded.
Deanna waved his concern away. "Rock-salt hurts like hell, but it doesn't kill."
Her casual remark made Ben and Castiel frown simultaneously. Deanna raised an eyebrow at them. It took a moment for her to brush off the weirdness. "I'll be fine."
Ben glanced at Castiel, looking like he was about to argue for a split second, before he sighed in a grumpy manner that reminded her instantly of Sam, but did what she said, which didn't remind her of Sam, and sat down on Bobby's threadbare old couch with a huff.
"Don't die," he told her grimly. "Or get into another bar fight."
Deanna grimaced at him, raising her hand to stop him there. "Well, I'm not gonna die, but no promises on the last one." Deanna grinned as her light tone managed to drag a slight smile out of the unusually moody pre-teen.
"Deanna," Castiel said as she shouldered past him. Deanna stopped, turning to face him dead-on. Castiel caught her gaze, and held it without seeming to blink. It was difficult not to fall into his eyes like she always seemed to. "Are you certain you wish to do this alone?"
"Jeez, Cas, I don't need you to hold my hand." Deanna shouldered past him, forcing herself not to spare him a look. From the corner of her eye, Deanna saw him turning to watch her go.
The force of his stare burned through her as she left the room, an immovable feeling of being watched. By anyone else, it would have pissed her off, alarmed her, but from Cas...even now, it felt like a comfort, soothing the bitter aftertaste of anxiety lingering in her mouth.
Deanna found Bobby in the panic room, like she'd assumed she would. He was sitting on the bed they'd once strapped Sam to in his blood-junkie detox with his head in his hands. He didn't look up at her loud footsteps, or her unsubtle entrance.
Deanna drew Ruby's demon killing knife from her waistband, and waited a moment. Bobby didn't look up, or react to the weapon in anyway. He didn't bitch at her for kicking down his door when she could've used Angel-Air either. Wasn't like Bobby.
It brought out a weird mixture of suspicion and concern in her. Maybe Bobby should be the one getting splattered by holy water, but first things first.
Carelessly pushing her sleeve up, Deanna pressed the blade to her arm, and drew it across. Her mouth went tight with the flames of pain the blade left in its wake, but she didn't release the grunt of pain catching in her throat.
"I, uh, didn't think the kids would wanna see Mommy cutting herself," Deanna tossed it out there jokingly, dropping the knife to the floor. She moved around the room restlessly, not quite pacing, keeping her eyes on Bobby. "Or Cas for that matter. The dude gives the most boring self-destructive lectures in the world..."
"Deanna," Bobby snapped, cutting through her bullshit ramblings with the usual grumpiness, but without raising his head. "Stop stalling, and sit your dumbass down before I drop you. I ain't one of those air-headed floozies you used to shuffle out the door back when you were a kid, I'm not gonna be distracted by your motor-mouth."
Deanna sat her dumbass down beside him, and looked at him, remembering the long year preceding the moment. The month she'd spent on Bobby's couch, trying desperately not to crawl into the bottle and never come out again because that was another thing she'd promised Sam.
Bobby had seen her like that, completely fucking broken, trapped in her own imagination by images of her baby brother...being torn and carved into fucking shreds. And he hadn't spoken a goddamn word to her.
A horrifying thought occurred to Deanna over the sound of blood rushing in her ears; how long had Bobby known? Before or after she left for Lisa's? If...if he'd told her, maybe everything with Meg could've been avoided.
Lisa could have lived, and Ben would've had a chance to avoid all of...it, the Winchester Plague.
"A certain pain in my ass called Gabriel said something to me a little while ago..." Deanna said finally, her voice harsh with the reignited blaze of fury in her gut. She clenched her jaw, and leveled Bobby with a fierce glare, green eyes hard. "Just after I found out that Sammy was walking the Earth again."
Bobby finally turned his head to look at her, eyes narrowed. But the look in his eyes was far from hard. It was remorseful, and Deanna already knew the answer, but she had to...had to ask anyway. Maybe it was machonistic, but she needed to hear it from the man himself.
"He asked me who I went too, just after Cas pulled my ass outta the fire, when I couldn't- or in this case, wouldn't- go to my only remaining blood family." Deanna watched Bobby's face, the fall in his eyes, and shook her head.
His reaction tore pain out of her better than Alistair ever could. Damnit.
Deanna looked away, swallowing and clenching her eyes briefly shut as pain swelled up inside of her. "Damnit Bobby," her voice was closer to a rasp than the snarl she'd hoped for. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"
"The hell didn't I tell you?" Bobby demanded, shifting slightly away from her to stare at her incredulously. "Because you were out, Deanna!"
"Out?" Deanna laughed derisively, and Bobby recoiled slightly from the sound. "I wasn't out of anything, except my goddamn mind. Believing that I could live a normal life with Lisa, and Ben, and my kid."
Bobby frowned at her, derailed by the mention of Mary. "You walked away from the life, kid! You were living with Lisa- and avoiding my calls, might I add-"
"That doesn't mean I was out!" Deanna shook her head angrily. "We popped Lucifer back in his cage, Bobby. You didn't think the demons were just gonna let that go, did you?" Bobby's eyes flashed, concern bleaching out some of his outrage. "That Meg and fucking Crowley give a damn that I'm out?"
"Crowley?" Bobby demanded. "And Meg?"
"Yeah, those two jokers. Well. Meg's outta the picture now," she jerked her head at the demon-killing knife in explanation. Bobby's eyes followed the motion, resting on the knife, then snapping back to her.
Understanding crossed his face. "Lisa-"
Deanna smiled bitterly. "Smacked Meg down for just long enough to blow her brains out in front of her kid."
"Damnit." Bobby closed his eyes, horror settling over his face. There was a flicker of old pain on his face; the way that Karren, Bobby's wife, died wasn't entirely unlike how Lisa had.
"And I brought that down on them!" Deanna raised her voice again, guilty words tumbling out of her mouth. "The moment I turned up on their doorstep, they were screwed, okay? So you better have a goddamned good reason for not telling me that my brother wasn't having several tons of crap kicked out of him."
Deanna expected Bobby to dive all over her for implying some blame on his part, to steam-roll her into the ground with a rant validating the cold hard truth settling in the back of her mouth, and the guilt tearing her insides to shreds.
Instead of tearing her a new one, Bobby shook his head, turning his eyes to the panic room's walls. "Sam said you were happy."
Deanna waited for a moment before realizing that that was it, all he was gonna offer in defense for himself. "That's it? That's why you didn't tell me about Sam?"
Bobby's head whipped round to stare at her, his eyes were vehement but not angry. "I need another reason? I thought you were safe there."
Deanna scoffed, mouth tight in anger. She was pissed and hurt and fucking betrayed, and it wasn't going away. No matter how much she yelled- it didn't ease. "Whatever," she said tightly.
Bobby's eyes were heavy on the side of her face as she beat her anger into submission, and memorized the hurt in her chest.
You dumb bitch, Deanna told herself, thinking of Bobby and Sam and Cas, this is what you get when you give a crap.
"I didn't like keeping you in the dark, kid, but I did what I thought was best for you."
Deanna had managed to wrestle her temper into something vaguely resembling control in the brief silence, but her rage exploded with the unintentionally provocative words.
A furious energy unfurled within her. Deanna flew to her feet, paced away from the cot, then turned back to Bobby. The lights above them flickered the tiniest bit, unnoticed by the two hunters.
"There are so many fucking things wrong with that goddamn sentance that I don't even know where the hell to begin!" Deanna snarled roughly, sounding more animalistic than human. "It's called free will, remember, Bobby? That thing we fought for, oh, what, less than a friggin' year ago?"
"Deanna-"
"You should have told me, Bobby!"
"Hey!" Bobby roared over her, the loud timber of his voice putting hers to shame. His eyes flashed "You aren't exactly lily-white in this crap heap, Deanna."
"When have I ever pretended to be?" she demanded furiously.
"You weren't exactly forth-coming about your daughter." Bobby rose to his own feet, stalking closer to her, face flushing with anger. "I didn't even know you could get pregnant after that hunt."
Despite the reel from betrayal to betrayal, Deanna grimaced. On one of her first solo hunts, she'd gotten on the wrong side of a deranged and incidentally barren ghost-bitch, and been so badly damaged from the experience that she'd lost the ability to have kids.
Not that she'd been planning to until seeing those two pink lines all those months ago.
"Yeah, well. Cas fixed me, remember?" Deanna could almost instantly feel her fury dimming, thinking of her daughter and, well, Cas. Briefly, she wondered how he was coping with Mary.
She hoped Ben was helping him. The poor dude was clueless enough about adults, let alone kids as young as their daughter. Their daughter. Christ. It'd take a while before she got used to that...
"The girl is his kid, isn't she?" Bobby asked, watching the way the fire in her eyes calmed with a startled expression. Deanna looked at him sharply.
Bobby rolled his eyes at her, seemingly content to leave their argument behind. "You two were hardly subtle."
Deanna recalled several of their hook-ups in Bobby's salvage yard, and was forced to agree with the older hunter there. Between the Intenser-Than-Thou staring they seemed to fall into naturally, and practically assalting each other whenever they had a moment alone, they hadn't been very sneaky about it.
Deanna gave Bobby a hard, assessing look. One more thing needed to be said before they shoved another skeleton in their closet. "You didn't tell me about Sam, and I didn't tell you about Mary. I guess this makes us even."
Bobby stared at her in sheer surprise for a second, as though he couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. Or more accurately, that he couldn't believe she loved someone as much as she'd always loved Sam.
Deanna stared back coolly, her expression carrying a clear message; Don't know me so well after all, huh?
Bobby looked away, shame crawling into his expression, and leaving just as quickly.
Deanna quirked a grin at the older hunter, pretending to dismiss the lingering betrayal and low-burn of hurt in her chest. Just as she was about to sling out a joke, something tugged at her stomach, and wings fluttered.
Deanna turned towards the sound automatically, ignoring the curse of surprise from Bobby at her swift movement, and Castiel's sudden appearence. Along with Cas came Mary, and along with Mary came a loud, ringing shriek that provoked her instincts in a second.
Castiel fixed her with a dejected look, clutching the kid closely to his chest. His expression held signs of stress, and Deanna could sympathise; the kid had one set of lungs on her. His lips were tight and bloodless.
"Something's wrong with Mary."
"I can tell," Deanna said loudly over the sounds of her daughter's bloodcurling screams. She lifted Mary from Castiel's arms, and came to an abrupt halt when she realized that the infant was still clinging to Castiel's blue tie. Of friggin' course. As if she wasn't aware enough of the blue-eyed bastard already.
"So can everyone else," Bobby grumbled as Castiel's hands moved automatically to hover over Mary. "I'll leave you two idjits to deal with this."
Deanna spared the older hunter a glance as he made for the door, stepping closer to Cas, and adjusting the screeching baby in her arms. "Afraid of a baby?"
"Yours? Hell yeah, I'm afraid." Bobby paused in the door way to tell her. His eyes flickered between Deanna and Cas, lingering on the blue tie connecting them.
Castiel lifted his eyes from Mary to catch the slight frown on Bobby's face. "You may shoot me if you wish."
Deanna snorted in amusement, ducking and shaking her head. Mary's screams lessened as her mother shook slightly with amusement, grinning down at the baby. Her daughter's face was red, and her bright blue eyes were watering, small sniffling sounds were damn-near drowned by her shrieks.
"Why the hell would I wanna shoot you, boy?" Bobby demanded, sounding faintly surprised. "It won't do anything."
"Gabriel informed me that it is a tradition when someone has impregnated your daughter..." Castiel said with a frown.
Bobby rolled his eyes at the archangel, turning away from the three, and walking up the stairs. Deanna would bet the Impala that he was muttering to himself.
Castiel's expression carried a note of anxiety as he glanced between Deanna and Mary. "What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing," Deanna said immediately, looking down at the sobbing child. "Her diaper isn't full, and we fed her, what, almost half an hour ago? She's probably just bored."
"You often get hungry after you've eaten," said Castiel, clinging to his faint frown.
"Yeah, but that's me. I'm not a three month old baby," Deanna pointed out. It was nice to have a conversation with Cas without it being full of awkwardness, and both of them being on the verge of flipping their shit.
There was an abrupt flip in Castiel's expression, though she couldn't exactly tell what he'd flipped too. It was vague, and far from the traces of concern on his face, darker.
It seemed she'd spoken too soon.
"Human pregnancies take nine months."
Deanna didn't even pretend that she saw where he was going with that. "Yeah. So?"
Castiel's eyes became sharper. "You were carrying our child-" Hearing that made Deanna flinch a little,"- when Lucifier..." suddenly the growing fire behind his eyes went still, cringing away from her. "When I-"
"Don't," Deanna snapped harshly. The fierce edge to her voice made Mary go quiet, shifting closer to her. Tightening her arms around her daughter, Deanna continued. "Don't think about the alley way, or your dickish brother. If you hadn't delayed me from saying yes...well, I doubt Michael is anymore pro-life about half angel babies than he is about human ones."
And didn't that thought just make her want to whoop her own ass for trying in the first place?
There was a disturbed twitch in Castiel's jaw, and he glanced away from her briefly, shame lingering before he boxed it away, and stared at her starkly. "How was your discussion with Bobby Singer?"
Deanna felt vaguely impressed that he'd actually known to ask, easily switching subjects with a snort. "Unresolving," Deanna said with a twist of bitterness in her words. "We'll probably end up yelling at each other about it in a couple of months."
Assuming that Mary was tired, Deanna bent down, laying her daughter on the small cot. Mary blinked at her tiredly, and Deanna couldn't resist stroking her blonde curls before straightening up to stare at Castiel. There was one of his almost-smiles on his chapped lips as his eyes scanned every inch of her face.
The sight of his almost-smile put the lingering anger clinging to her on ice, and made her relax a little. Things were so fucked up now, even more than before, but there had always been something about him that made her chill out. Even when she'd been half convinced he was gonna waste her, back when they'd first met.
"Damnit. I've missed you, you son of a bitch," the words slipped out of her throat faster than she could stop them, utterly true.
Platonically fucked over by her own mouth. Again.
Something eased in Castiel's face, that weird tension that had been clinging to him since that motel room, and he moved a little closer, like a moth to the flame. She'd already burned his wings off once. "I miss you constantly."
"Then why the hell did you leave?" Deanna demanded, not quite hitting the harsh tone she'd wanted.
"Because I was there," Castiel confided in a low voice, staring her straight in the eyes. "I watched from across the street as you chose her. It...hurt to see you with her, so I... refrained from intruding." His eyes did not flicker from hers when he moved closer.
Deanna closed her eyes, pain throbbing in her chest, throat closing up. Deanna felt bitter and raw, tension dancing over her skin, lingering between her shoulder blades, as he came even closer until their toes were almost touching, and she could smell him.
The smell of a dawning storm settled heavily in the back over her throat, giving her a weird shivery feeling of vulnerablity.
"You should've said something, man," Deanna gritted out, hating the catch to her voice.
"You needed to make your own choice," Castiel murmured, a faint twist of hurt in his voice. "I understand your feelings about free will."
Running through a dozen or so possible ways to explain to Cas that when she was making dumb decisions that screwed them both over he should friggin' stop her, Deanna opened her eyes, catching his intense blue entirely by accident.
The need- longing- is his eyes wasn't entirely innocent, greedy and human and just what she'd been needing to see for the last three months. It hit her hard and fast, and so hard that her vision honest-to-god flickered.
His unneeded breath ghosted over her face, they were so close. Deanna forced herself not to; not to sway forward into him like every instinct of hers begged, not to close her eyes, not to feel the steady spread of arousal and happiness through her.
But she'd never been very smart, so she leaned forward. Just a little. Just enough to make Castiel's intense blue eyes go dark, enough to make him burn for her like she did for him.
"Deanna..." his voice sounded like sex. The roughest sex in the whole world.
Fuck, but she wanted him. And not just for sex. She wanted to do weird and girly relationship things with him, like curl up after sex or let him kiss her sweetly like he'd always tried too.
Castiel's eyes darted to her lips, then uncertainly away. Deanna cupped the back of his neck, attracting his gaze, allowing the desire in his eyes to surpass eleven, before she leaned forward, hand sliding up into his hair, anticipation-so-strong-that-it-felt-like-terror churning in her gut, and touched her lips to his.
The overwhelming taste of him hit her like a train. An electrical storm, just like she remembered, but somehow more; stronger. Which, well, duh- archangel.
For a moment, Castiel was still against her, inhumanly so, and then he reacted with ninja speed. His strong hands moved up to craddle her face tenderly, body pressing flush against hers, not allowing a mere inch of them not to be touching, and his lips pressed back into hers.
The muscles in his fingers spasmed, clutching at his hair as she made to deepen the kiss- footsteps pounded down the stairs, followed by harsh, frantic breathing, and Deanna cannonballed back into reality.
Abruptly detacting herself from Castiel's lips, Deanna tried to step back. Castiel's arms resisted almost automatically, intent on keeping her there, before he regained his senses, and allowed her to slip away from him again.
"Deanna!" Ben shouted, bursting into the panic room with frantic eyes. He didn't bother to take in their slightly mussed appearences.
"Dude-"
"Sam's here."