Disclaimers: "We totally own PoT
Disclaimers: "We totally own PoT. We won it in a rock paper scissors match, didn't you know? ...but it's not that simple. We don't own PoT, and we shall never." –Eternal.Angel and Easily Forgotten.
Authors: Dudly, Sweet Obsidian Rain, awin-chan, Eternal.Angel, Kyoka, gold.paperclips, maldita08, Easily Forgotten, absurd musings, RainingSakuraTearDrops, violetglow, CrystalKitteN-MEW, The Night Owl Is Addicted, crassreine, Hiyoshi-kun Is Awesome, SakuraIroKaze, -Accents- Salsal Dead, Apple Snapple, Resonance Breaks Glass, disfigured-dream
Wee crazy POT yaoi fans hope you enjoy this crack fic from the forum of Dudly-sama!
Dudly-sama's Forum Members' Crazy Imaginative Creation Group Presents You:
Molesting the Fact
Chapter Nine
… until something collided into him (Fuji). He was slammed into the ground, and his grip on Ryoma was loosened. However, Ryoma was pulled along with Fuji and his attacker as they fell, so they collapsed into a tangled heap on the ground. Yes, tangled, limbs and otherwise.
"Get your evil hands off Ryoma-sama!!" Tomoka yelled from her position, straddling Fuji.
Everyone, surprised by the sudden attack of Osakada Tomoka, sweatdropped at the scene and did not dare to move an inch, afraid that they would end up in the same position as the tensai.
Meanwhile, Fuji had stiffened from under Tomoka; his shoulders had tensed and a dark, evil aura started to surround Fuji. The regulars gulped and moved back, even though many wanted to run away, they stayed because they had to see what would happen.
Even Tomoka felt a chill, but she remained stubborn and shouted some more.
Fuji smiled and said, "Get off me. Now." Tomoka felt a sadistic aura enveloping her. Still, she dared not to move.
"No," Tomoka bravely (but stupidly) stated. "Not until you sign this contract stating that you will not go near Ryoma-sama ever again with out the consent of his fan-club, which I am the president of!"
"She's my new hero!" Momoshiro stared in awe at Tomoka, not believing her daring actions.
"Fine." Fuji reached for the pen and paper that Tomoka was holding.
When he got the pen, he quickly, but effectively, stabbed Tomoka's eye. Now, Fuji's strange, violent behavior only made everyone gasp in shock.
Tomoka fell off of the young genius that she had been straddling, her eyes a dizzy, swirling mess. Everyone else in the area, minus Fuji, seemed to be dazed and confused as well.
The power of Fuji's sadistic aura was truly frightening. No one, besides a possible exception from Rokudo Mukuro of Katekyo Hitman Reborn, had ever pulled off such a crack-filled illusion and gotten people to believe it.
What? If Ryoma could break the laws of physics and nearly be turned into a girl by Mother Nature for it, he could certainly create illusions that seem completely random and out of place. And of course, everyone would believe them.
Please, Fuji stabbing someone in the eye? It wasn't his style. It was far too quick and too painless. He wouldn't rape Tezuka either. He knew that Tezuka would beg for it, but Fuji wasn't about to be a faithless bastard. He wouldn't dump Ryoma-chan, even if they hadn't gotten that far... yet. And, Fuji most certainly would not be sent to a mental institution. He was far too good looking for that, not that anyone could ever catch him anyway.
It was the real reason that no one ever liked crossing Fuji Syusuke. Sure he was scary and sadistic and would torture you until he got bored, but people were more afraid of being humiliated by speaking in bad pick-up lines. The odd speech habits were a side effect of Fuji's scary sadist aura, giving yet another reason why no one, and that means no one, not even the Emperor or the Queen of England, should ever cross Fuji Syusuke. Ever.
The only person stupid enough to try was Osakada Tomoka. No one dared to approach her now that she had gotten even more insane. Not even her so-called best friend, Ryuzaki Sakuno.
Her eyes glowed red. Overhead, the sky darkened ominously, and a roll of thunder followed a crack of purple lightning.
She gripped Fuji's hand, placed the pen in it, and began to make him sign his name by force. Fuji struggled, but in her anger, Tomoka's strength increased tenfold. The muscles gained through hours of cheering for Ryoma bulged.
Slowly, the pen met paper, and the first letters formed.
"F...U...J..."
"...I... ...Y...U...U..."
"T..A.."
"There, it's done." Fuji rolled up the paper cheerfully and handed Tomoka her now useless contract.
Tomoka stared at the contract. Useless fat space-wasting team. She attempted to forge Syusuke's signature, but she did not have a damn idea how it looked like. So she threw the contract away.
But she thought that a paper like that shouldn't be thrown away (mainly because Fuji signed it – and she was pretty sure that Fuji wouldn't sign another contract, no matter how appealing it was). So she decided to make Sakuno take it out from the dumpster. And Sakuno refused, saying no matter how much she loved Tomaka as a friend, she would NOT be treated like a slave.
So instead, Tomoka got the non-existent Sanada to do it. And all she got was a bitch slap. Needless to say, she did it herself, instead.
So, tons of dustbins later, she still did not find that contract. But the dustbin it was in was already emptied into a rubbish truck! She watched as the truck slowly passed by her, and she literally threw herself at the garbage truck in a desperate attempt to get the "autograph" back.
All of that made wonderful entertainment for the whole tennis team... for all of three seconds.
Inui was probably the only one interested in recording the whole scene, as Sanada did make a short appearance. Also, Osakada's sudden outburst of strength could be useful for them, and he was curious as to how he can harness that power and make it usable for the team.
Aside from the data master, everyone returned their focus on the ever smiling Fuji that was trying to capture the ever elusive Ryoma... again. No one dared to disrupt them their little game after what just happened. Everyone felt helpless. They wanted to do something other than watch... though part of the team really just wanted to be the one chasing Ryoma. Fuji was so lucky.
"They never really did answer the question, ne?" Oishi said off-handedly, as he began retrieving a first-aid box from his bag. It could be useful later.
"Yes, since when has Momo been having perverted thoughts about O'chibi?" Kikumaru asked.
"Ever since we..." Momo was cut off because Hiyoshi, who just happened to pass by, threw a meatball at Momo's head out of boredom.
"Not that question!" Oishi shouted, blushing. "I don't think anyone wants to know since when has Momo started having…" Here, Oishi blushed again and coughed, "…those kinds of thoughts about Echizen."
"Oh, I do," Fuji said and grinned at Momo, who after eating the meatball Hiyoshi had so graciously given him, shivered as he felt the presence of something ominous.
"Ever since he saw Ryo-chan... shirtless. Remember, Momo? You just wouldn't let go." Fuji opened his eyes and glared at Momo.
Momoshiro swallowed his Adam's apple and bit his bottom lip nervously. He nodded his head slightly so that only Fuji and no one else would notice. "Er...sure..."
Ryoma just stood there, dumbfounded.
A long, awkward silence ensued before someone's coughing filled the air, and at last, Fuji spoke.
"Let's go home, Echizen-kun. Your parents might worry."
From that tone of voice, Ryoma knew that something was wrong with Fuji.
Hell, everyone knew there was something wrong with Fuji!
And Hiyoshi was going to find out what, but not before he ordered his ...notepad. To write everything down about what he had just found out about Fuji, and what was going on with him.
While Hiyoshi was channeling Inui, Ryoma kept his eyes on Fuji.
The tensai was unusually tense, and refused to look at Ryoma. He had his back turned so no one could see his face.
Ryoma hesitated but after taking a deep breath, lifted his hand and clasped it with Fuji's. For some reason, he just didn't want Fuji to be mad at him.
Damn hormones. Why was he so upset that Fuji wasn't looking at him?!
I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl. I hate Fuji being mad at me. ... Wait. What that last one?
Why on earth would he hate the fact that Fuji was mad at him? It wasn't as if he ever cared before, so why now?
Damn hormones; they're messing with my brain.
Ryoma's heart skipped a beat when Fuji squeezed his hand. He looked up to see a smile on Fuji's face.
When Ryoma felt the urge to answer the smile with one of his own, he nearly smacked himself.
He needed to get a hold of himself. It was probably just a girl thing. Yes, it was all very simple indeed; just a girl thing that boys would never understand.
He had to wonder though, how girls ever even managed to think straight with this...feeling.
But then it hit him! Kind of like the time Tezuka bitch slapped him, he really did not need to think about it! All he needed was to trust in Fuji.
No!! Stop it! Weird girl instincts! Who knew what would happen if Ryoma didn't hurry and change back into a boy? The horrors.
Trust Fuji? Ryoma knew he knew better. It had to be the girl germs talking!
"Ummm... Am I interrupting something?" A very uncomfortable looking Fuji Yuuta stared at the group of people before him. No one could tell how long he had been there since the trauma easily seen on his face could have come from any number of events.
"Yuuta-kun!" Fuji smiled. "Have you met my girlfriend?"
"Aniki... that's Echizen."
Another uncomfortable pause. Yuuta's brown eyes flickered from his brother, then to Ryoma, then finally to his brother.
Then back to Ryoma and stayed there. Moved down. Went round. "Echizen, you've got boo-"
He was cut off when Ryoma yelled, "No I don't!"
"You don't know what I was going to say! And yes you do!"
"I do not have... boots on." Ryoma prayed that his senpai would be as gullible as they were before and not notice how lame his answer was.
"Of course Echizen doesn't have boots on!" Momo yelled. "Is Fuji-sempai's little brother alright?"
"I wasn't talking about boots! I was saying he has b-"
"I don't think he's feeling well!! Syusuke! Can you take him inside to rest!?"
Fuji smiled and answered Ryoma, "Anything for my Ryoma-chan!" and grabbed Yuuta by his elbow. "Come with me Yuuta-kun, I want to show you -"
As the brothers disappeared inside his house, Ryoma now realized he had been left alone with his sempais.
Various people coughed.
"So... What were we originally talking about again?" asked Taka-san.
"Fuji being Tezuka's eternal rival in tennis?"
"Echizen being royalty?"
"Ochibi being a girl?"
"Echizen's family stalking him?"
"Fuji and Echizen being engaged?"
"Us calling Echizen Ryoma-dono?"
"E, all of the above?"
Various people added their input as well.
"WHAAAAAT?!" A loud screech could be heard from the house or where ever the two brothers disappeared off to. The rest of the team turned to stare at the direction of where the yell came from… Hiyoshi and Sanada, making out. Now where did SANADA come from?
"What is this, bizarro universe?" Ryoma mumbled, eyes wide with the shock he'd just had after seeing two very unlikely people express their affection towards each other in a very uncharacteristic manner, and in his backyard too! What next, Karupin would turn into a human girl that had the hots for Kikumaru-sempai, and that Tezuka would start dancing the waltz with Inui?
Crap. A random girl he had never seen before was standing nearby, and Karupin seemed to have disappeared.
"Karupin?" Ryoma asked in a weak voice, his lower lip quivering.
"Eh? Who? I'm Karen. I'm just here to deliver the mail."
Relief rushed through Ryoma and he nearly fainted.
Wait, fainted?
…
Not again! Ryoma tripped and crashed into Tezuka. Not a very pleasant experience seeing as how the overload of random information had finally seeped into his brain and the things that caught the teenage captain's attention were Fuji, Ryoma, and the fact that they were supposedly engaged.
"You're...engaged," Tezuka said, trying to organize the mess of information that he had just heard.
Ryoma just responded by grunting and struggling to get out of the death grip that Tezuka had put on his arm while he was falling.
"But... eternal rivals..." babbled Tezuka. Several unnamed Regulars were concerned that their poor Buchou was broken. He was babbling that eternal rival nonsense again.
Ryoma managed to somehow pry two of Tezuka's fingers off his arm, and he was now struggling with the other two.
"Eternal...rivals...school...engagement?" The bespectacled boy still had no luck in sorting out the pieces of information in his brain. "School...engagement?"
Just a thumb separated him from sweet, sweet freedom now, though there would probably be some livid finger-shaped bruises in the morning.
"Fuji and Ryoma. Fuji... engaged?" Something clicked in Tezuka's head. That something did not bode well for Ryoma.
"You two are still in school," Tezuka said calmly, placing his fingers firmly around Ryoma's arm again. "Fuji, thirty laps, now."
"Why are you giving him laps?" Ryoma burst out, glaring up at the captain. "It's not like we're married! And he isn't even here!"
"Actually, I am, Ryoma-chan." Fuji walked towards the Pillar Pair at an even pace. No one wanted to know what he'd done with Yuuta.
"Fuji must have done something," Tezuka answered calmly. "And getting engaged when you're still in school isn't exactly the best idea."
"As expected of our captain," Fuji commented. "You don't like the fact of us getting engaged, do you?"
"Ummm, what exactly could Fuji have done? They're both boys, aren't they?" asked Momo.
"No. We are not having this conversation again!" shouted Ryoma when everyone turned to look at him.
Something about the desperate look in his eyes sent a flicker through Fuji's heart. Though he would have liked to stay and enjoy the shock they, no, he, had created, Ryoma was his priority at the moment.
"Indeed, we're not. We're engaged, I won't be running laps, and we're leaving." Fuji took a firm grip on his arm that wasn't firm enough to hurt, and pulled him off without meeting with resistance.
The regulars were left standing, all thinking along similar lines. Except one person.
"How did he know Tezuka told him to run laps if he wasn't here?"
And a cold wind blew past.
"..." everyone looked at each other and shrugged.
The two walked along briskly. They had spent so much time in the Echizen yard that it was twilight, and a cool breeze raised goosebumps on his skin. Ryoma looked up at the guy pulling him along. His grip had not slackened since they had left, neither had their pace. Fuji's face still seemed peaceful. As always.
He cleared his throat.
"W-where, exactly, are we going?"
Fuji tilted his head to face him and smiled.
"You'll see."
Enough was enough, Fuji couldn't wait any longer and tightened his grip on Ryoma's hand. It was only supposed to be a quick peck on the lips but hormones got the better of him and pressed himself harder on to Ryoma.
When someone tapped Fuji on the shoulder, he turned, eyebrow twitching. Karen, the girl that had come to deliver the mail stepped back when he saw Fuji's furious face and smiled meekly. She extended her arm, holding a pen, and said, "I'm sorry to disturb, but you have to sign for this."
Fuji took the pen and stabbed the girl.
... At least he wanted to. But if he did then he'd have to deal with witnesses and such. Committing murder (because Fuji can kill with a pen) was always such a hassle.
So instead, he signed off whatever the form was on the clipboard that Karen had for him.
And then had a brown package shoved into his face while Ryoma had an envelope, if you could call it that, placed into his hands.
He opened the piece of paper and showed it to Fuji.
Looking at the letter, Fuji read out loud, "HEY RYO-CHAN! IT'S ME, HIYOSHI (otherwise known as your ex-boyfriend, but that's our dirty little secret ;)). HOW IS LIFE WITH FUJI-KUN? I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S SUCH A DRAG SINCE HE'S A DRAG QUEEN AND ALL. WELL, IF EVER YOU NEED A FRIEND (with benefits) I'M HERE FOR YOU. )" Fuji twitched but soon smiled. He faced Ryoma, "Do you know a guy named Hiyoshi?"
Ryoma was sure that name sounded familiar, but he couldn't put a finger on who Hiyoshi was. So instead he said, "Maybe..."
"The letter was sent to the wrong person? Doesn't that one guy from that one school have the name Ryo?"
"Then how do you explain the mention of 'Fuji-kun'?"
"The guy named Ryo is dating Yuuta?"
"H-hey! I don't make mistakes on my route! You're Kisarazu Ryo right?" shouted Karen, pointing towards Ryoma. "He wasn't at Rokakku, but someone said that I could find him in Tokyo this week because he's visiting some friends! You have long black hair and a white cap and someone was calling you Ryo-chan! You match the description of him! You're Kisarazu Ryo... right?"
The Seigaku players felt the urge to smack their heads against the nearest wall.
"My name is Echizen Ryoma. Didn't you see the name Echizen near the entrance?"
"I thought that the Echizen's might be the friends Ryo was visiting..." Karen rummaged through her mailbag. "But I do have a letter for an Echizen Ryoma 'Chibisuke'!"
Ryoma's eyes widened. There was only one person who would refer to him as Chibisuke.
"Yuuta... dating..." Fuji murmured, crushing the package in his hold. He was in shock. Yuuta wasn't allowed to go on dates with anyone else besides his adoring older brother!
"Wait a minute. I thought we were a few hundred yards away from my house already. How did we end up back here again?"
Silence reigned for a few seconds... until the Seigaku regulars popped their heads back into the fray.
"Ne, Ochibi! You've come back! Now tell us all about you being a girl, nya!"
Unrehearsed, yet in perfect timing, both Ryoma and Fuji turned around and ran away. Maybe it was a good thing Inui made them run all those laps.
But, seriously, it was not good that little (lucky) Ryoma had a cute, sexy, tall, awesome, hot, handsome (not really) stalker. Nuh uh, not okay at all. Fuji would not let this down easily.
Sweet Obsidian Rain: XD Our dear kohai-tachi of the forum went on crack, I'm sorry. This is the craziest chapter as of yet, but I think more are to come. The slightly more responsible people tried their best to prevent the others from creating a complete massacre. This chapter is total "WTF", but I hope you got a good laugh out of it as I did! Thank you!
Eternal.Angel: At least I'm alive now, right? Everyone in our forum did a good job in contributing and continuing on the story, so please give them some thanks! As well as the two of us, Rain-chan and I, who beta-ed this (although Rain-chan did most of the work… XD). We hope that the next chapter will be much more serious, but we'll have to see! Keep the reviews coming, and thanks a lot, our faithful readers!
First Unrevised Version 7.25.08
First Revised Version 7.26.08
Second Revised Version 7.27.08