Lies of the Soul

~Chapter 9 – Scars~

BPOV

Over the next couple of weeks, life finally seemed to slow down. Alice got used to the idea of Edward and me being together romantically, and she relaxed a bit. We all settled into a comfortable routine, and there were even entire days that would go by where I didn't even worry about the truth. My past was like a dark cloud hovering in the distance, I knew it would someday cover my sky and storm down on me, but for the time being, I was just enjoying the sun. I still had Emmett's wedding to worry about, and the daily details update from Rose kept that fact in the forefront of my mind, but I tried not to let it get me too down.

This was the time of my life that I'd always remember, this was the time I'd look back on and know it was the happiest of my life. I wanted to stay in every moment; I wanted to freeze the world from turning and never have to leave the place I was in. Every night I looked forward to making love to Edward before falling to sleep, but with the rising sun I'd remember that I was just one day closer to the time when the rain would start and my happy existence would be finished.

Edward and I never had a discussion about the label of our relationship, but we were together constantly and he'd always introduce me as his girlfriend. We just were a couple, and there was no need to talk about it. We were both forced back to work, but every minute when we weren't working, we were together; we even spent almost every lunch break with each other as well. We never went out with friends separately, if we did go out, it was usually with Emmett and Rose, or Jasper and Alice, or all four. It was odd to me that our main friends were both my siblings and their significant others, but it was nice and I couldn't have been happier.

As much as we liked to go out, we were still in that phase where we couldn't get enough of each other, so we'd much rather just stay in and make love all evening. The only time our love life slowed, was when I was on my period, but even then we found other ways to connect. We took those weeks and found a new way of existing. It was nothing like when we were kids, besides the fact that we were everything to each other. He was different. He treated me like the woman that I was, and at first it was difficult for me to accept. I was uncomfortable with him opening doors and pulling my chair out, it just made me feel lesser of a person, but then I realized that it had nothing to do with inferiority. Edward was surprisingly just a very romantic chivalrous man, and despite my upbringing, I found myself absolutely loving being taken care of in those ways. I was still headstrong and independent in every other aspect of my life, but with him I just saw the gestures as a form of affection.

We spent every night tangled together, but it was much more intimate than it was before. Our legs were twisted, our arms wrapped around the other, and our fingers intertwined. I knew I was cursing myself because I had no idea how I would ever be able to sleep without him again. It was hard enough to sleep without him after he stopped sneaking in through my window as a teenager, but being alone again after sleeping naked and pressed against him was going to be pure torture.

"Ms. Dwyer, you have a visitor," my assistant said. I was going by my mother's maiden name because there was no way I could go by Swan. My mother did give me my father's surname when I was born, but since returning to Isabella, I needed a different last name as well. Alice had always gone by her father's last name Brandon, so there was never any worry of anyone knowing we were really sisters. Alice and I had always kept that fact to ourselves, long before our latest charade, simply because our mother was crazy and she had told us it was important to keep those types of things secret. I didn't understand it then, and I didn't understand it as an adult, but it was always that way so it was normal to us. Rose was Alice's best friend and I had known her casually for a few years, but even she never knew Alice and I were sisters, which currently worked to our advantage.

"Thanks Tia." I smiled thinking it was Edward, so when Alice came into view I was disappointed but kept smiling anyway so she wouldn't get offended. "Hey, what's up?" I asked because she hardly ever visited me at work.

"Shit is about to hit the fan," she said quickly.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a panic.

"Charlie is coming down next weekend for a visit and to do his tux fittings, and Emmett is having a BBQ at his place and Edward already told him that you two will be there."

Yep, I was definitely panicking.

"Oh my god, what are we going to do?" I asked in almost a whisper.

"You have to make something up; you have to figure out an excuse to get out of it."

But I knew that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't run forever; my time with Edward was up.

"No Alice, that won't work. It doesn't matter if I'm there or not, Emmett will talk to Charlie about the wedding, I'm sure Rose won't be able to shut up about it. She'll mention me and my name, and Charlie will know that Ben didn't have a sister named Isabella Dwyer. And you, I'm sure he knows that Ben's sister's name was Alice Brandon, he'll recognize you, and then he'll mention it to Emmett, and then it'll all come out. Alice I'm so sorry, I can't believe I got you into this."

Alice was quiet while she tried to come up with a solution, but I knew there wasn't one. I felt horrible; I never fully comprehended what my lie would do to her, but now I ruined both of us.

Alice shook her head. "We haven't lost anything yet, but it is time to come clean. I can't lie to Jasper anymore, and I won't. But I will give you time to tell Edward first. I'll give you the rest of the week to find the right way, but then I'm spilling everything."

"You're right," I said quietly and nodded.

Alice wrapped her petite arms around my shoulders, and then I realized that I was shaking. I was absolutely terrified and even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't stop the fear of my inevitable separation from the man who was my life. Like when we were kids, we became completely codependent, and I knew neither of us would get past my betrayal this time.

I took the rest of the day off, and headed home in a daze. I felt sick, and there was no way I'd be able to function at work anyway. I looked at the condo that Edward and I shared; all of our stuff was mixed and combined as if we had lived together forever, and I just broke down sobbing. I hadn't cried since I was a child, but I couldn't stop the tears from overtaking me at that moment.

I went to Edward's bedroom, which had become our bedroom, and I laid in our bed and just hugged his pillow as I saturated it with my tears. I felt a loss similar to someone dying, because I knew the short-lived life I had built with Edward was about to end. He was everything, and without him there was absolutely nothing left.

I had no idea how long I laid there for, maybe I fell asleep, maybe I just laid there of hours awake and didn't notice the passing time, I couldn't be sure. Eventually, my sobs stopped and my body went numb, so when his hands caressed my face, I wasn't sure if it was real or not. But he was real, and he was there…it was time.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked sweetly concerned as he ran his fingers through my knotted hair. "I went by your work, but they said you went home for the day." His voice was practically a coo, and as he pulled me closer I couldn't help but melt into him. He smelled so good, and his touch was more tender than I would have ever expected he was capable of.

"Just hold me," I whispered. I knew I had to tell him, but I needed to feel him one last time, I needed to say goodbye before he had a chance to push me away.

"If something happened to you, you need to tell me," he said protectively.

"Nothing happened, I just need you close right now."

He nuzzled his face closer to mine, and then he kissed me softly. "I love you." He said the words so quietly that I almost didn't hear them, but there wasn't a doubt that he actually said it.

I looked up at him but he pressed his forehead against mine and held me even tighter. "I never said that to anyone before, because I never felt this way before. As much as it scares the shit out of me, I just need you to know that. I really can't even remember my life before you, and I don't want to either. I really have no idea what I'd do if I lost you."

And then a new wave of tears overcame me. I wasn't used to allowing anyone to see my emotions, I was good at hiding my deepest desires and fears, but I couldn't hide how much I loved him, and above everything else, I needed him to know that.

"I love you too, more than you'll ever know," I whispered. Even after all the lies were exposed, I really hoped he knew in his heart that I'd never lie about that.

He pressed his silky lips to mine, and before I had time to really think, we were making love. I didn't remember taking our clothes off, but he moved into me slowly to savor every last second of it, as if he somehow knew it was the last time as much as I did. I forced myself to focus on his movements, to burn that memory of him into my brain so I could carry it with me for the rest of my life. I would never love another the way I loved him, it wasn't even possible.

The whole day had been so emotionally draining that I unintentionally fell asleep afterwards, and I didn't wake until the next morning. He was still sleeping when my eyes opened, so I spent the next several minutes just basking in his incredible presence. I was trying to soak in his aura like a sponge, hoping to take a part of it with me when he kicked me out of his life. He woke far too soon and his brilliant smile lit up the entire room, and it was impossible not to smile back at him.

"Good morning," he murmured.

"Good morning," I said softly back.

We kissed and he pulled me into him, but I couldn't keep putting it off, so as much as I wanted to stay in his arms forever, I got up and started getting dressed.

"There's no work today, it's Saturday," he said with a yawn.

"I'm going to go make breakfast," I said quickly, and when I was finished putting my clothes on, I practically ran out of the room.

I threw together some omelets and toast just as Edward strutted out of the bedroom wearing my favorite sweats and a white tank. I couldn't help but think about the fact that it was the last time that I'd see him dressed in such a way, and I briefly got lost in his utter perfection.

"Shit!" I said as I cut my finger. I was grating the cheese for the omelet and I was so distracted by Edward's beauty that I didn't even notice when my finger got too close to the blades.

"Oh god, are you ok?" He ran to my rescue, like the gallant knight he was, and he grabbed my hand right away to evaluate the damage.

"It's not that bad," I said, trying to pull away.

"I don't think you'll need stitches, but I'll get you a band aid."

He ran towards the bathroom and was back in less than fifteen seconds, ripping the paper off the bandage. "Here," he said and reached for my hand.

"I can do it myself," I said pathetically, but he just smirked and continued. When the cut was safely covered, he kissed the wound, and then proceeded to kiss every finger on my hand. When he was finished he dropped that hand and then began kissing the other, starting with my little finger and then slowly moving to the ring finger. But when he got to my pointer finger, he used a bit more tongue. "Ewe, what are you doing?" I asked with a giggle.

"I love your hands."

"I bet you just love the way my lotion tastes."

"It's not lotion, its just you. Every part of you tastes good."

"How many of your previous girlfriends have you said that to?" I teased halfheartedly.

"None, just you babe." He held up my hand and spread my fingers, but for a reason that wasn't immediately clear, he suddenly froze.

"What?" I asked slightly amused by his strangely serious face.

"What the hell is on your hand?" he asked with an unexpected hostile edge to his voice.

"What do you mean?" I asked and pulled out of his grasp so I could get a closer look at what he was talking about.

And then I remembered the thin scar that ran the length of my palm.

Shit.

….

"Hurry up Ben, you're so slow!" Edward called to me from a few yards ahead as we were running to our meadow to have one of our 'secret club' meetings.

When we were eleven years old, there wasn't much that was more important to us than our club house, which was located in an isolated meadow up in the mountains behind my house.

"I'm coming. I just don't want to waste all my energy on running as fast as I can go."

"Yeah right, you only say that because you're not as fast as me and you can't keep up," he goaded.

"Not only can I keep up, but I can run way faster than you. I just don't want to."

"Yeah right. I'm the fastest around; no one can keep up with me."

"You wish," I said and then pushed my body as fast as it could go in order to try to outrun him. He sped up as well, and we raced the final length of the trail. Edward was faster than me, but he was always so worried about losing, that he'd often look behind himself to see how close I was to catching up.

"Edward, LOOK OUT!" I shouted, and he turned forward just in time to trip over a tree root and then fall hard to the forest floor.

"Are you ok?" I asked concerned.

"No," he said with tears in his eyes. He held up his hand to show me a gash on his palm, which was bleeding out and dripping to the foliage at our feet.

"It doesn't look too bad," I said relieved.

"Yes it does, and now it's going to get infected and they're going to have to cut off my hand."

"Don't be such a baby, you're fine."

"You don't know that, if you were the one who had a poisonous infection running through your blood, you wouldn't be so calm."

"You don't have an infection, besides, infections don't happen right away."

"But there was probably some tree virus on the ground, and now it's inside me."

It may have been silly, but he was really scared so I did the first thing I could think of. I picked up the sharp twig that had cut him, and I brought it to my own hand, slicing it down my palm. Edward watched me with wide eyes as I didn't even whimper from the pain of the self inflicted gash.

My blood started pouring out so I grabbed his still bleeding hand, and I clasped our wounds together tightly. "There, now we have the same blood. If you have some poisonous infection, than so do I and we'll die together."

"Promise? Because I don't want to go without you."

"I promise. You and me, we'll die together."

….

"Why the hell do you have a scar there?" Edward asked with an intensity that I had never seen in him before.

"Edward, I have to tell you something," I said quietly.

"Just tell me how you got the scar."

"I'm trying. When I was eleven…I was running through the forest, and my friend fell…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he said irately.

"Edward, I wanted to tell you sooner…I just didn't know how."

He shook his head. "No…What the fuck are you saying? I don't understand what you're telling me."

"I just need you to know that I've always loved you, and you are the last person who I ever wanted to hurt."

A tear rolled down his cheek as he started grasping what I was telling him. I hated the pain on his face, I wanted to make it go away, I wanted to hold him until the hurt passed...

"Don't touch me," he said as my hand lifted in his direction, so I let it drop. I didn't even intentionally reach for him; it was just a reflex from seeing him so upset. "Don't be cryptic, not now. Tell me the truth, say it, out loud!" he demanded.

I swallowed roughly. "I'm not Ben's sister, and Ben didn't die."

He shook his head absently, and the hurt radiating off of him was unbearable.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you, I love you, I always have…"

"You love me? How could you…how could you even say that after everything? I don't even fucking know you Who the hell are you?"

The tears started flowing down my face then. I lied…a lot, but I always tried to be who I was on the inside. I thought if anyone could see past the masks I wore, it was him. "You know me. I'm the same person I've always been…"

"And who's that? Ben, Isabella, Bella, who? Because I have no fucking clue."

"I'm the person who has always loved you."

He shook his head. "No, you're the person who's lied to me for the past month in a half. What the fuck? Did you honestly think you could just...show back up here and move in with me, and everything would be fine? Where the hell do you get off? ?hat makes you think you can play with my life like that?"

"I just wanted to see you; I just needed to know you were okay. I never planned to move in here, I never thought it would get this far."

"So why did you? Why did you…fake your death? How could you do that to us? Do you have any idea the kind of hell Charlie went through? Do you even care?"

"Of course I care...But I couldn't live like that anymore, I couldn't continue my life like that and I knew Charlie would never let me go."

"Why did he have to?" he exploded. "Why couldn't you just tell him that you wanted to live like...like...this? And how in the hell did you ever think it would be okay to…sleep with me knowing damn well that I'd never want you like that!"

"I never meant for it to happen, you kissed me and I just…"

"I didn't kiss you, I kissed someone who I thought was a woman!"

What?

"I am a woman."

"No, you're a confused little boy with serious mental issues, and I'm not gay. The fact that you'd trick me into something like this is just sick."

I was stunned, he couldn't be serious.

"Edward, would you listen to yourself? You know I'm not a boy. We had sex, you've had your mouth on me down there."

"I don't know what kind of fucking surgeries there are these days. If I didn't want you kissing me when we were kids, then why would you ever think I'd be into any of this now? Surgery doesn't change anything. You had no right to…"

I had to stop his rant because he was just way off. "I never had a surgery!" I said forcefully so he'd hear me."I was born a girl, my mother told Charlie that I was a boy, but it wasn't true. I was never a boy. I kissed you back then because I was in love with you, but I wasn't gay. I'm not a transsexual...I'm just finally who I was always supposed to be."

Edward was suddenly very quiet as he listened to me, and his face was set in a hard mask. I had no idea what he was thinking, which absolutely scared the hell out of me.

After several long minutes of deafening silence, I couldn't take it anymore. "Edward, say something."

I had never seen so much hurt in his eyes, but I wasn't going to get anymore of a response because without another word he grabbed his jacket and keys, and walked out of the condo.

After he slammed the door behind himself, the only noise I could hear was the rushing of blood behind my ears as the numbness took over completely. I knew it had to be done, but it shouldn't have been like that. He wasn't supposed to figure it out the moment before I was about to tell him; I was supposed to find a better way to break it to him, to try to make it hurt a little less. But I suppose it didn't really matter, the ending result was the same.

He knew the truth, and he left.

As bad as it was, I was well aware that it could have been so much worse. I expected screaming, and throwing things, maybe even him shoving me a little. I knew Edward wasn't the type to push a woman, but I thought after he found out he wouldn't think of me that way. Oddly enough, he almost seemed more upset after learning that I was always a woman than when he thought I was a transsexual. I didn't understand that, but it didn't really matter at that point either. I needed to get out of his home; I needed to get out of his life completely and leave him alone.

"Alice, can you come help me move my things out?" I asked over the phone in a shaky voice.

"You told him," she said quietly. It wasn't a question, it was obvious from the sound of my voice. "Did he hurt you?"

"No. Please just come," I said and then hung up before the grief could sneak its way back. I needed to stay numb because if I allowed myself to start crying again, I knew I'd never be able to stop.

I quickly threw everything I could into boxes, and by the time Alice got there I was almost finished.

"Hey, stop just a minute!" Alice yelled. I didn't even realize she had actually come through the door yet, and apparently she had been speaking to me, but I just was so focused on what I was doing that I didn't notice her whatsoever.

"I need to finish this so he can have his condo back," I insisted.

"Tell me exactly what you said, just so our stories are straight."

"Alice, you didn't even enter the conversation, so until Edward tells Emmett, you're fine."

"Wait, you're not planning to tell Emmett yourself?"

"Alice…" I took a deep breath. "I just don't have it in me to go over everything again right now. I just need some more time, so…I'm going to go back to Jacksonville for a while."

"Bella, you hate Jacksonville."

I shrugged. "I hate being here without him more."

"What did he say when he left?"

"He didn't say anything, he just walked out. He was pissed at me when he first realized who I was, but when I told him I was always a girl he just left like it was the worst possible thing I could have said. I mean, why would he rather me be a transsexual?" I asked confused, but not really expecting Alice to have an answer.

"Because it's an easier lie," she said simply.

"What does that mean?"

"Well you kissed him as a teen, so he probably figured that you were gay; I mean, he probably could have accepted that eventually. Maybe he figured you becoming a woman was the next step, but the fact that it was all a lie was probably just too much for him."

"We've been having sex…a lot. He'd rather know he was doing that with someone who used to be a guy, over someone who lied to him as a kid?"

"Think about it, Bella. You were like his whole life as a kid, his only family, the only one he could ever really count on. The adult he is now could probably handle it if his best buddy decided to have a sex change, but to know you were never who he thought you were...it was probably more than he could handle right then. He is more than likely lost and confused and wondering how much of his childhood was real; he probably doesn't even know which way is up right now."

"How do you know all this?" I asked her, because despite the crazy situation, she was actually making sense.

"Believe it or not, I often question my own sanity. I mean, mom is crazy, and I was raised by her, so…" She shrugged. "I think insane people can sometimes see the odd behavior of other's more clearly, so Edward's perplexing reaction makes sense to me."

"Alice you're not insane."

"Renee wasn't always so bad either. Jasper really wants to have kids someday, but what if being pregnant sparks the craziness or something. My dad really loved her before I was born, what if having me did something to her?"

"Renee always had problems," I disagreed with her.

"But, so do I. Sometimes I do things that I look back on and have no idea what the hell I was thinking. Like when I told you to stay away from Edward and Emmett. I mean, what the hell was that about?"

"You weren't wrong, I should have never come here," I whispered.

"No, I shouldn't have told you to never come here, I should have told you to just tell the truth, and I should have told you that years ago."

"We couldn't tell them because we had to protect Renee," I said mechanically. "It's our job to protect Mom."

"But it was my job to protect you. I'm so sorry Bella, I'm so sorry that I wasn't a better big sister to you." She started crying, and I didn't have a choice but to comfort her. I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame and held her as she cried. I wanted to cry with her and tell her it wasn't her fault and I'd never blame her, but I didn't have any tears left inside me. I had to turn off that emotion, because if I would have allowed myself to feel the sadness again, my tears were sure to drown me completely.

After Alice's crying slowed, I let her go and told her I loved her. We finished packing my stuff, and after carrying the boxes down to the garage, I realized that not everything was going to fit in her car.

"We'll just come back later for the rest," she said softly.

I looked at my box full of androgynous clothes and decided enough was enough, and I threw the whole thing in the dumpster.

I didn't know how or when Edward was going to tell Emmett about me, but I just needed to escape before I dealt with the next round of inevitable pain. I took a leave of absence from my job, filled two suitcases full of everyday stuff, and flew back to Florida. I wasn't sure what I was hoping for by going back to visit my mother, but I also couldn't be anywhere else. A part of me wanted to yell and scream at Renee, and blame her for everything that went wrong in my life, but that wouldn't get me anywhere. The woman was mentally insane, and hating her wouldn't accomplish anything except to break the numbness I was desperately hanging on to.