Chapter 10: Uncertainties

October 1976

It was going to be almost a month since James had last spoken with Lily but it was beginning to feel more like two. Not that he ever really gotten a chance to talk with her before then, but it was just that they had started to become closer, and James even thought that she was actually enjoying his company somewhat. Wishful thinking on his part.

James let out a breath and tried to let the negative thoughts flow out of him and disintegrate into the air swirling around him. He was sitting in a far corner of the Hogwarts grounds as he attempted to collect his thoughts; so that what he was about to do would go the way he hoped it would.

Sighing heavily, James stood up and traipsed back to the Gryffindor tower. After he gave the Fat Lady the password and before he climbed in he took in a deep breath and summoned up as much courage as he could.

He looked around the common room and spotted whom he was most anxious to speak with.

Lily was sitting with her friends and laughing over something that someone had said and she looked very relaxed as she steadily worked through her homework.

It was Sunday and the sky outside was covered by heavy gray clouds, so the students had holed themselves in the common room together, some working on homework or playing games and just enjoying the freedom to choose what they would.

But James couldn't keep his eyes from traveling back to the girl that had stolen his heart without making any conscious effort to do so. Lily had settled back down and was turning back to the work set before her but then seemed to know that she was being watched and looked up and stared straight into his eyes.

Her eyes seemed to flicker through a wide range of emotions that James could hardly understand.

Weariness… fear… resignation… and apprehension?

But James didn't stare at her for long. He didn't want her to make an excuse to leave for the closest exit, the girls' dormitory, where he knew that he had no hope of getting to.

So as quickly as he could without actually running, James appeared before her and asked hastily, "Hey Lily, could you come with me for a moment?"

Lily's eyes flashed briefly over to Nicole and Kathleen, who were grinning at each other, and then looked back a James before she silently nodded her head.

Tory wasn't studying with them, but James had the sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with what Sirius had said about him being "too busy" to study with Remus in the Library and begging off James's invite to take a quick fly earlier in the day.

James was shook out of his musings when Lily said in a exasperated tone, "Are we going to talk or not?"

"Yes, but could we do it in a quieter place?" he ask uncertainly.

Ignoring the giggles that came from the table that Lily had just left, James led the way out of the common room and into an unused classroom to talk.

Lily was tense as the stillness drew longer by the minute, but she couldn't stop the restless movements that ran through her body.

"So… " said James, breaking the pregnant pause as they both fidgeted nervously.

"Er… James… I owe you an apology." said Lily in a small voice, that sounded nothing like her own. "What I had asked of you was unfair and quite rude to the extreme. I would completely understand if you never talk to me again, for I know that its what I rightfully deserve."

James didn't say anything but after another minute or two he started to speak, "I accept. But I didn't pull you in here to get an apology because I forgave you a long time ago. No, the reason I wanted to talk to you was because I wanted to ask you something."

Lily was shocked that he would forgive her so willingly but she stiffened when he mentioned requesting something of her.

"I was wondering if you really meant that you didn't want to try being friends anymore. Did you mean it or was it just the heat of the moment?"

Lily blew out a breath of relief and said, "No I didn't mean it. Sometimes when I get mad my mouth gets carried away and has the misfortune of blurting out things I don't mean exactly as they come out."

James looked comforted and said, "So what I really wanted to ask is, could we have a go at being friends again?"

Lily thought over the talks that she had had in the last few days and had to agree that James wasn't as bad as he tried to be in front of an audience. It was also her fault last time, not his, that they stopped being friends. She thought it over for another minute before replying, "I think we could try it again."

James laughed and the relief was obvious in his stance and posture as he visibly relaxed against the wall.

He stood up and walked over to Lily and stuck out his hand.

"Friends?" he asked.

"Friends." Lily confirmed as she gladly shook his hands and noticed, though she tried not to, that James had a firm but gentle grip.

Lily grinned and quickly took her hand back and said, "Well I don't know about you, but I have to go back to my studies. Bye."

But before she could leave the room James said, "I'll accompany you back to the Gryffindor common room, if that's okay with you."

Lily nodded in agreement and then her heart gave a lurch as she noted that his eyes were burning with some unknown emotion, but she couldn't be sure of what it was because before she could get a good look at them he took her arm in his and together they walked out of the classroom in silence.

After Lily once again agreed to be friends with James everything seemed to fall into place. It was a heaven on earth for James. He noted that Lily was still more formal than what James wished, but it was pleasant just the same.

Although the school was large and covered a lot of floors, James would try and accompany Lily to all of her classes without being late for his own. If it so happened that they attended the same class, which was quite common, then he and whoever was with him, would sit as close to Lily as they could get.

James recalled back to when Lily had shaken his hand. He thought back to how small and slender her hand was compared to his. The perfect fit. As much as he hated sounding cliché or sentimental, he felt that they just seemed to fit together perfectly, like two pieces of the same puzzle.

James was shook out of his ponderings when he heard Professor Slughorn dismiss them from his class. He quickly approached Lily and said a swift hello. He was pleased to take note of the fact that Lily's smile appeared to have widened when he walked over to her.

Before he could offer to take her satchel for her; she lifted it up and put it on her shoulder and walked to the door as everyone queued through the exit. So instead, he followed her and left the dungeons with his friends.

They quickly caught up with the girls and both groups ascended together to the common room to work on their homework before the weekend.

During their studies, Kathleen announced that she was cold and would be moving nearer to the fireplace to stay warm. James noticed that as she sat down Jonathan Kirk had walked over to her as she set out her school things, and as James continued to watch he saw that when Kathleen caught Jonathan looking at her she blushed pink.

When Kathleen had completely moved away from the table Tory wasted no time in insisting that Sirius join her at the girls' table to study, so it wasn't long after that things had started settling down again and they studied undisturbed.

James believed that Sirius was enjoying the attention that Tory was lathering on him a little too much, for he noted that they didn't seem to have accomplished very much work for the amount of they had put in.

As the night wore on the room slowly emptied of students and the 6th years were the only ones left in the common room.

Peter was the first to say good night to his friends but he was quickly followed by Sirius; Kathleen left not long after. Although Tory wished that she too could leave; it was not to be so, for she had yet to finish a charms essay that was due soon, so she stayed downstairs until 10:30 and then she left for bed.

Since there were only four people left in the common room, James and Remus decided to join Lily and Nicole at their table to tie off their last assignment for Professor Conner.

The four friends spent the rest of the time studying in companionable silence. As the fire started to dim lower in the fireplace James had just polished off the conclusion of his essay when he saw the most exquisite sight his eyes had ever beheld.

He observed that Lily's hair seemed to shimmer in the light of the fireplace and was in awe at the view before him. Lily's dark auburn hair was lightened and the effect was radiant, the fire illuminated the red in her hair and it made a red halo around her head that sparkled brightly.

But his scrutiny was interrupted when Remus yawned widely and said, "Are you coming up James? I can hardly keep my eyes open."

"Yes, I'm right behind you," he answered.

James picked up his bag and said a gentle good night and gave Lily a friendly pat on the shoulder as he passed and then followed his friend.

Lily was getting used to the idea of James becoming a friend. It wasn't hard to imagine when he behaved and didn't act like a fool. Her friends were great company, and luckily things didn't change much when James and his friends were around.

At times it got tiring to have Tory and Sirius always all over each other, but then again, it was lucky that they never showed any outward affection other flirting.

She knew that if they did start a relationship it wouldn't last more than a few months. They worked together so well because they were kindred spirits, both easily entertained, but then again they both got restless with long-term relationships and preferred having several flings.

Lily knew that things would turn out alright whether Sirius and Tory dated or not and it would be funny to see who would be the first to call it quits, although, it wouldn't be very fun if either one of them got hurt emotionally, but from what Lily had observed, that didn't seem too likely.

JLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJL

Lily noticed that as the days progressed James was less prone to show off and more likely to chat about things that didn't have anything to do with Quidditch or being an annoyance. She was beginning to understand why Nicole had told her to give James a chance.

Lily and her friends had been sitting at the Gryffindor table enjoying their breakfast when the boys came in and sat down next to them. Remus was the only one who looked remotely awake and the others barely were able to speak through their yawns.

She greeted the boys good morning and surveyed them as they piled a huge amount of food onto their plates. But her stares were interrupted when the owls flew gracefully into the great hall and dropped off the mail to their owners.

She watched as a white owl that had a large black spot on its head that seemed to be flying in her direction and it had a letter tied to its leg. Lily was surprised to see that it landed in front of James and stuck out its leg obediently.

"I didn't know that you had an owl, James," said Lily as she watched the owl start pecking at his plate of rashers greedily.

"Yes, his name is Blotch." answered James as he gazed at his owl as Blotch flew back out of the hall and presumably up to the Owlery.

"Wow James, he's such a beautiful owl." said Lily she watched longingly at the departing owl. "When did you get him?"

"Oh, I got him on the trip to Diagon Alley before my first year of Hogwarts." he answered.

"I've never seen him before. Where have you been keeping him all this time?" Lily asked confused, for she had never noticed James with an owl before.

"I never bring him on the train, my mum; well she usually finds something to send me the day after I get here, and for the rest of the year Blotch stays up in the Owlery during the day when I don't need him to send a letter for me."

"That's nice." said Lily as she gave James a kind smile. It was refreshing to hear the respecting tone that she heard in James's voice as he spoke of his mother. "It must be lovely for you when your mother sends you something from home."

"Yeah, well, mum will be mum." he said offhandedly, but Lily noticed that his ears turned a delicate shade of pink and she had a sneaking suspicion that he liked it a lot more than he was letting on.

But Lily didn't pursue the subject any longer; instead she opted to polish off her pile of rashers and a couple of slices of toast and talked with her friends through the rest of the morning meal until her first class of the day started.

It was just barely a week to the day that Lily agreed to start a friendship with James and he was so happy to have Lily counted as a friend, but that didn't mean that he forgot his friend now that he had a chance with Lily.

Now that Lily could stand being around James more, things went a lot smoother, plus Sirius and Tory got to spend more time together and James was happy for them.

It was the weekend and James decided that he would go and visit Blotch in the Owlery on the beautiful, but windy day.

The Owlery was quiet as James walked in and spotted Blotch up on a high perch, he called for him and Blotch flew down and landed lightly on a lower perch as James sat down on the dropping strewn floor. James talked to Blotch about Lily's renewed promise to be friends and the happiness at this new development, and when James asked if Blotch thought that things were looking better for his probability for a chance with Lily. His owl then pecked him hard on the head and gave him a look that he could easily translate into and it's taken you this long to find this out?

After his stomach complained loudly at his neglect, James stood and told Blotch he would see him later, and after the owl hooted serenely he then dusted off the back of his robes and walked to the great hall in high spirits.

When he reached the bottom steps of the marble staircase, James saw his friends halfway through the doors of the great hall and when he registered that it was indeed them, he yelled to them and they turned around quickly with their wands drawn.

"Whoa, it's only me. What's with the wands? Do you think that you'll be attacked in school?" James asked surprised.

"Didn't you read the Daily Prophet this morning, James?" asked Remus looking alarmed.

"No," What could have happened to make his friends so on edge? "Should I have?"

"It's the latest news, everyone's talking about it." Peter added with a knowing nod.

"Yeah, it's all over the school and that was the only topic going on in the common room just now." Sirius put in quietly.

"Will someone just tell me already? It's getting annoying that you guys keep banging on about this… this thing, but you won't mention exactly what the big news is!" said James, finally loosing his patience.

"Well, Death Eaters attacked a village near Hogsmeade and ransacked the whole place and left it in shambles. It's been really big news and there were people found being tortured and some even murdered in the village." said Remus. After he relayed the news he shook his head dejectedly.

"Oh no, that's horrible. I didn't have the slightest idea. Did any Aurors get hurt when they reported to the place?"

"Yes and a few died as well, but thankfully there weren't a lot of Death Eaters, so that many were just taken to Hospital." Remus answered again.

"Wow, I mean, I know there is a war happening and all, but I just never realized what that meant exactly, but you say that it happened close to here?"

"Yes, and as such, we will begin taking precautions that are yet to be put to action." said a voice from behind the boys. The four twisted around again and found them being closely examined by the Headmaster.

"Let us not be discouraged because of the grave news. I shall be announcing the changes that we shall be making tonight before our dinner, so let us enjoy this meal and remember to stay united in all trials set before us." finished Dumbledore, and he swept gracefully past the stunned group and into the great hall and seated himself at the center of the staff table to have his mid-day meal.

Sirius shook his head dog-like, having had enough practice, and that broke the melancholy mood and the friends burst into uncontrollable laughter that couldn't be stopped. Soon enough, with their eyes streaming with mirth, the boys move to the table and sat down to get pleasure from having a lighthearted meal together, although the sadness still lingered in the air they ignored it and finished the day together and contentedly.

JLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJLJL

The next day James found himself sitting on the lawn that was facing the west as he and Lily dug their way through the large pile of homework that they attempted to finish. He had just told Lily a hilarious anecdote about a time when Sirius had accidentally sliced off a substantial amount of his hair when he stayed at the Potter's house during the summer months.

The pair laughed riotously until their sides hurt and their respective friends had located them and when James and Lily had pulled themselves together everyone rested on the cold refreshing grass.

James examine Lily cheerfully and noticed that her cheeks were flushed a bright pink from the cold and probably also from laughing so hard. When Lily looked in his direction and they both automatically let their eyes fall on Sirius and that unfortunately got them laughing once more.

It took a while before James and Lily could again control their amusement, but after they did, the group talked for a few hours until the sun slowly lowered out of sight and the wind picked up and they were forced to vacate the happy place and continue in the common room. Through the rest of the evening, James and Lily stayed by each other until they had been left alone as a large clock in the distance chimed 12 o'clock.

"Hey, Lily?" said James quietly. He wanted to ask Lily something, but his Gryffindor courage had somehow left him when the last of his friends had trudged tiredly up to their dormitory. James's heart thumped loudly in his chest and he could feel himself starting to sweat. How could he do this? But he had to before someone else did! A horrible thought had just occurred to James, was he already too late and…

But his chaotic thoughts were interrupted when Lily spoke up.

"Did you want something James?"

"Ye… no… I… um" he cleared his throat loudly. "I… I forgot what I was going to say. Darn, well maybe I'll think of it tomorrow." said James with a shrug.

Lily looked a little suspicious but thankfully let it go and she then walked to the bottom of the girl's spiral staircase and made her way up, but on the third step she paused and turned around to face James again.

James was puzzled as to what Lily wanted to say, for a few seconds she just stood on the bottom step as she opened and closed her mouth several times. After a minute of indecision, she said, "Good night James," and then left him alone as the coal in the fireplace slowly burned out and he was silhouetted only by a sliver of light from the moon.

LINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

Lily rubbed her eyes as she climbed the stairs that would take her to the wonderful bed that awaited her, but as she thought of James standing in the common room in solitude, she thumped her forehead with her closed fist and berated herself for acting completely barmy in front of him.

What she had wanted to say was that she had had a fabulous day hanging out with him and that she had quite gotten over her irritation toward him and that she hoped that they could again have a fun and relaxing day together, but she had backed out at the last instant and instead gawked shamelessly at him and then finally tore herself from him and marched back upstairs.

But it was over and done with and she could do nothing more tonight except go to bed. When she reached the dormitory she quickly dressed into her night clothes and drifted slowly to sleep as her mind again replayed the pleasant day spent with.

As she entered sleep a large smile spread across her face as she dreamed, and a single word escaped her lips, heard by none and was lost to the world and the girl that uttered it.

"James."