...Chapter 10...
Sometimes are special, kept safely in our thoughts, deep in long term memory, some moments are just too precious to let go off. Who knows when will happy times end? I just learned that present should be celebrated because these are the times we'll once look back and wish to relive.
Fast forwarding every moment I spent with Reid in my head, from his first appearance in BAU to last hug before leaving for that shopping mall. It kept playing over and over again in my mind as we got ready to bring our dear one back. Special teams were called on emergency, the whole rescue was planned. Other things were investigated with the help of Kevin and Garcia. A sense of new energy developed in ourselves, everyone doing their own things trying to add their efforts in the mission.
We rushed to get into our private jet, flying to northern California, to distant lands, with miles and miles of fields. Today, was the day, I would have him back. The black van rushed on the roads, we on our most attentive mode, almost slipping off the edges of the seats.
The tires screeching as we sped up, cutting through winds, engine burning up fuel leading us closer and closer to our destiny. My stomach drained tension, twisting and turning in anticipation. I wanted this chase to end, the long, one year game to finish. I wanted him beside me now, like before.
I remember that day so clearly, of course, it changed me forever. The sun was hiding behind the clouds as fields were dancing and swaying with winds. We came out to large mansion in middle of nowhere, surrounded with fortified walls. The Swat took their positions all around, Hotch and I marched to find the main entrance, there seemed to be none. So we decided to climb on top. Hotch followed me as we landed on a big wide front yard. Something was odd about the mansion, perhaps the antique looks. We slowly moved forward to a large glass door. I gradually opened the unlocked door entering a giant hall like dining area. Hotch was close behind. It seemed as if everything around was untouched for years. We decided to split up and cover the large area. I went to the right leading upstairs, stepping up a grand staircase. Who was this man? I tried to remain focused, working it like a case, forgetting this was the most important mission I was doing in life.
My feet moved from one room to another, finding each one empty, as no one lived here. Then, there was this room. I entered in and noticing the coffee on the side table first, bed unmade, pens on the blanket, papers spreading around and a teddy bear. I lowered my gun and raised my eyebrows, walking over to the bed, immediately recognizing the hand writing. My eyes almost pained seeing something belonging to that dear being. I bent over. The first words on the page drowned me in sea of tears "Dear Morgan, no matter where I stay, even nowhere, your memories are with me. I may tell someone or not, what my heart says, they say world walks with you, but still there lingers a loneliness in my heart, but your memories are with me, always with me". There were pages and pages of words, the ones that Reid wrote for me, all this time, he had me there. I examined the teddy, lifting it up and brought closer, almost hugging it. It scented just like him.
Then, few guns shots echoed the whole mansion up, roaring its way through the walls. I immediately ran out of the room, the shots continued, over and over again. I rushed my way through the stairs, almost tripping, but the gun shots kept blazing, so many shots.
"HOTCH?" I called as I ran around chasing the sound and then the shots ended. I ran around the large maze like mansion, hyperventilating, I called Hotch over the communication. He was silent. Panic took another level in my body as I finally entered the large lounge running through the doorway, and immediately slipping.
I landed on the floor, dipping in blood, as it filled the floors. I looked up and saw Hotch standing a little far, his back facing me. I turned to see an unknown man gushing blood out of his body, filled with bullets lying beside me. I stood back up full of fear, all wet with blood.
"Hotch?" I almost whispered, paled. He faced me, slowly moving and revealing Reid's lifeless body on the couch behind him, with a gun hanging from his fingers. Hotch's red eyes and lips shivered as he looked over at me.
Suddenly, my whole being roared as I made my walk towards the couch. He was wearing dark green shirt, contrasting his skin greatly, I came closer and closer and new levels of pain rose each time, breaking me into pieces, my heart stopped. It did. Blood stopped rushing. Feet froze. I was now face to face with the cause of my agony.
"Spencer?" I called lightly. He was lying on the couch as if he just fell back, just moments ago breathing, waiting, for me. I quickly checked for a pulse, desperately doing last minutes efforts, but his arm looked too red, as if it was bloody from inside.
I didn't know what happened, but I became high, hyper, frantically looking for a pulse. The lifeless veins and arteries were done, silent. I kept holding his wrist in my hand tight.
"Hotch? I can't find HIS PULSE?" I screamed. He just stood there, trying to drink up his cries.
"Morgan...we're..late" he slowly said and I went wild, punching the floor beneath me, denying it. He rushed over and stopped me instantly.
"NO, NO...NO!" I yelled on top of my lungs. I pushed him aside and took Reid in my arms, the gun from his hand fell on the ground. I cried soaking up his shirt. I grabbed him firm, the life had escaped from the body. I forgot all talks of this world, all senses giving up, holding up my dead heaven, so thin, so fragile. I knew I was crying like an animal getting slaughter. The Derek Morgan, oh that so called strong man, fell to the ground, totally lost in wails. I was nothing anymore, just a mess on the floor, weeping, beating the earth, denying, yelling.
"WHYYYYYYY?" I howled lying on the floor, losing myself in the grief.
The next thing I knew I was back home, sitting on a bed with Garcia beside me. I woke up from a dreamless sleep, astonished as how the world still seemed the same. How, the colors still illuminated the same lights, how sounds still sounded the same, how sun still rising on the sky, how tears still flow like rivers out of my eyes. Garcia, I couldn't recognize her first, no make-up, no bling, almost like a different person, lost in her tears too. She noticed my movements and turned my way, grabbing my hand gently. We spoke nothing, just staring, sharing our sorrows. Something I longed for was no more. My happiness, my world, all heavens, my life, all died.
The silence continued, I didn't wanted to hear anything anymore. I sat there, feeling alone, like I was in dark tunnel, waiting, I felt dead, paralyzed. The year long search, the desperate waiting, finding, praying, finally came to an end. Just few moments, we were just late.
Losing my father was hell but this hit somewhere else, much more than a hell. All the struggles standing in front of my eyes, laughing at my defeat. I was a loser to fate, to Carl. Maybe, there is no such thing as happiness, maybe it's only a mere illusion.
I wanted to ran away from the world, all by myself, freeing from all the guilt and pains. I wanted to hide in the room, forever, but I came out, dragged my deceased feet to visit Reid for the last time, before his burial, before he was finally added back to the mud, where he came from, where he will mix away with nature, giving life to another life.
The funeral home was packed, people, so many people came to see him dead, where were they when we needed to find him. But, nothing meant anything for me, no people, no customs, no rules.
I walked over to his coffin, where he was laying, my heart wept again as my eyes saw his pale face, eyes shut, he looked like an angel, all dressed up to depart this world. Once, this face lifted a life, smiling with sparkling eyes. His lips were slight a shade of purple, once were red, full with life.
I didn't wanted to blink, I had no time to waste, he would be gone, forever, and ever from my eyes and from my world. I had seen so many people dead, it was my job but today it hurt to say that Reid was a dead body even, it hurt to think death ultimately won.
"Spencer, wake up" I heard Diana Reid say as she paced this way with a nurse holding her carefully. She looked relaxed and glanced down upon reaching the coffin on display. She smiled.
"Awwh, look at him sleep" she commented, the smile never leaving her face. And, from behind Reid's dad stepped closer. His eyes were puffed, nose red. He was crying now as if he really cared. He shook his head looking over Diana smiling at his son. He grabbed her shoulders.
"Diana, our son is dead" He told her and her smile faded.
"Don't talk non-sense about my baby, let him rest" she replied running her hand over Reid's forehead. Another tear escaped from my eye. And, then she started to tense, looking around the crowd. The panic attack was coming so the nurses gathered around.
"Why is everyone here?" She asked worriedly. We kept our heads down and she wailed and went wild, hitting around, pushing as nurses tackled her away. Her troubled mind knew she had lost her only child. The mother's pain were above us all, unmatched.
I gave Reid a last glance, filling my sight full of him so I could cherish it forever in my memory and stepped aside.
I liked to sit still, doing nothing, rocking back and forth on my rocking chair. I wasn't insane but I was gone. Derek Morgan was ill, he had to be kept in a therapy center. I was happy here, away from everyone, everything, the meaningless planet.
I had all I needed to live, last words of Reid, written specially for me. It was hard to believe he actually killed Sam Elliot before dying, firing all bullets he had, he used just very last amount of life left in him to get his revenge. I was proud of him for that.
The last page of his dairy made no sense. He was out of his mind and definitely away from Sam Elliot where he was treated worse than an animal. I wanted to know what happened but what good would it do to me. There was no good left for me anymore.
I was no more of what I was before. Some people are just so powerful, can scar you forever.
Note: Thanks to all the readers. I promise the future chapters won't be too sad. There will be a happy ending :)