It's a Romantic Conquest True Love Story, Haruhi-Chan!
Chapter Nine:
Common Sense, This is Haruhi: I Don't Think You've Been Introduced!
After Koizumi's inexplicable outburst at the café, the esper remained silent.
Not that anybody noticed.
Haruhi was far too preoccupied with more important matters; such as molesting Mikuru in broad daylight.
"N-no! Get off! I-it tickles! Eeek!"
Kyon sighed.
I guess it's just another normal day, then.
"Hold still!" Haruhi barked at the trembling, tomato-red mess of teary eyes, frilly skirts and cute pigtails.
Oh yes, Mikuru in her 'gothic' attire was every man's peverted dream.
Then again, Mikuru in any attire was rather attractive, be it gothic or not.
Strangely enough, though, Kyon's mind was only half-focused on the ever-appealing Miss Asahina. Dimly, at the back of his brain, the image of Koizumi remained. Kyon went over it again and again, as though it were stuck on a looped tape; how Koizumi had acted so irrationally at the café; how he been so rude to Emiri; almost as if he had been...
Jealous?
Really?
It didn't make any sense.
And it was frustrating as all hell to be thinking of that annoying esper when any normal guy would have been transfixed at the way Haruhi was attempting to feel Mikuru up in the middle of a busy road.
Quite a crowd had begun to gather around the pair- mostly guys, all, seemingly, 'normal guys' who were transfixed at the sight, as they should have been.
Some were even filming the event on their cell phones.
Kyon was one hundred percent sure none of them were thinking about one Itsuki Koizumi, and how utterly bamboozling he was. Kyon was so sure, he'd bet his little sister on it.
And if I'm wrong, it'd be no big loss.
Maybe I'll be able to watch what I want on TV for a change; and maybe I'll be able to have a shower in the morning before somebody uses up all the hot water.
Hey, it was just a thought- Kyon would never really trade his sister.
...Probably.
"Come on, Mikuru! Just keep still!~"
Haruhi's voice dredged Kyon out of his hazy, confusing mess of thoughts; as effective as a pinch in bringing somebody back into reality. Although, juding by how loud Haruhi was shouting (maybe you should speak up a little, Haruhi- I'm sure there are some people on the Andromeda Galaxy who didn't quite catch that), her tones were more akin to a slap across the face than a gentle pinch.
But when had Haruhi Suzumiya ever been subtle?
"Kyahhh! Get off, please!"
Those teary-eyes and high-pitched screams were enough to further drive any thoughts of Koizumi out of Kyon's sponge-like brain.
"Haruhi."
Kyon strode forward, and prised Haruhi's hands away from the trembling Lolita wreck that was Mikuru.
"Hey!" Haruhi whined in protest, and continued to flail her arms, making little 'grabby' motions at the mentally scarred Mikuru. "No fair! Go find your own toy to play with!"
Kyon narrowed his eyes at Haruhi.
Sometimes, she could go too far.
Hell- Haruhi always went too far. Rules and regulations were things for lesser mortals, not Haruhi Suzumiya; whereas most people toed the line, she took great, leaping bounds right across it.
And assaulting Mikuru was certainly 'going over the line'.
"Miss Asahina is not a toy," Kyon said sternly. He had half a mind to shake her by the shoulders- see if that knocked some sense into her. But Kyon knew he would be seen as 'evil' or 'abusive' to do such a terrible thing to a girl- which was pretty freaking ironic, considering Haruhi could publically molest Mikuru and nobody would bat an eye because they both had boobs. "You shouldn't keep doing that, it's indecent."
"What?" Haruhi blinked up at Kyon, feigning innocence.
Kyon had to resist the temptation to slap himself in the face.
Urgh...
Either you're really dense, or you're just doing this on purpose to be annoying.
"What do you mean, 'what'? I mean, what you were just doing! You were attacking her!"
"No I wasn't!" Haruhi looked affronted by the accusation. "It's just, her pigtails were all uneven, and I needed to sort them!"
"So why, pray tell, were you groping her chest?" Kyon hissed under his breath.
He didn't want Mikuru to know he and Haruhi were now discussing her ample bosom; she'd probabaly have a heart attack.
That, or declare she had been 'spoilt', and no person would ever want to marry her.
Which was a pretty unrealistic claim, considering her looks and all.
Some guys might take the fact that Mikuru came with her own faux-lesbian stalker as a plus- it might spice up the marriage, or at least make for a pretty interesting sitcom...
"They weren't sitting evenly, either," said Haruhi blankly.
"..."
"One was higher than the other," she offered, for clarification.
Well.
There really was nothing to say to that, really.
"Geez." Kyon couldn't resist; he brought his palm up to meet his face with a smack!, hoping he hadn't murdered too many innocent braincells upon contact. "That excuse won't hold up in court, you know."
"Nah. I thought, if that ever happened, I'd use my feminine wiles to charm the judge and jury into believing everything I say!" Haruhi beamed, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
What feminine charms?
I have personal experience of just how painful your right hook is- you're even manlier than me!
Haruhi Suzumiya: about as womanly as the Incredible Hulk.
"...Yeah, good luck with that." Kyon sighed. He let his hands drop from Haruhi's arm. He figured she didn't need restraining anymore; hopefully, by now, Mikuru's ponytails (and... um... chest) were both nice and level.
"Anyway," Kyon continued, glancing around. "Maybe we should go now."
"Why?"
"Becuase we're in the middle of the road."
"Ah..."
"Yeah. Those drivers look kind of pissed."
"Good point."
"You want to thank me?"
"Oh, I wouldn't bother." Haruhi clapped Kyon on the shoulder, displaying her 'feminine charms' once more. The fist hit Kyon like a freight train; he'd probabaly be crippled for life, now. "You'll just say something stupid again in about five seconds that will completely negate any goodwill I might feel towards you right now."
"Gee, thanks. I feel so loved."
"Well, you're not."
"Thank you for clarifying that for me."
"No problem."
"Okay!~" Haruhi declared, once the SOS Brigade had (finally) managed to cross the road- thankfully, sans any gruesome injuries or missing body parts. "This is what I've decided! We'll go take a look around the shrines in the area, 'cause they're meant to have super-aweosme mystic creepy powers, right?"
"As stunned as I am that you have actually planned something," Kyon remarked dryly, "I don't think you should get your hopes up."
Haruhi glowered at Kyon, arms folded, a sour expression on her face. "Oh. Why not?"
"Because ghosts don't exist?"
"That's such a close-minded thing to say. How do you know?"
"Because."
It only occured to Kyon, after he had said these things, that Haruhi was right.
Sort of.
He was pretty close-minded for somebody who was 'best friends' (and he used the term very, very loosely) with a time traveller, an alien and an esper.
"Another thing," Kyon continued, counting down points on his fingers. "It's the middle of the day. They'll be lots of people wandering around. In horror movies, ghosts only come out during the night- and vampires are burnt by the sun."
"Shut up, Kyon!" Haruhi barked.
Her voice was loud enough to scatter a couple of pidgeons, which had been, up until that moment, happily pecking around at the floor.
"You think it's a good plan, right, Koizumi~?" Haruhi wheedled, turning to her 'number one most faithful sidekick'.
Not that Haruhi had equals, or sidekicks.
Kyon knew all too well what Haruhi thought of her fellow SOS Brigade members.
She had play-things.
"Huh? Oh, um..." Koizumi blinked up at Haruhi. He looked a little disoriented, as though his mind had been somewhere else altogether. Perhaps on Planet 'I'm-a-Touchy-Feely-Weirdo', which was where Koizumi seemed to have been concieved. "Yes?"
Haruhi seemed displeased at this reply.
It was very unlike Koizumi to ignore Haruhi...
Ignoring Haruhi was generally considered to be a 'Very Bad Idea', as it could - and would - result in your immediate death (or, at the very least, a drop kick into next week and a headache the size of a small country).
Koizumi was pretty smart. He never seemed remotely suicidal.
So why wasn't he listening to Haruhi?
Could it have something to do with Emiri?
Or Kyon?
Kyon shook his head, trying to drive these annoying thoughts out of his brain. They buzzed around incessantly, like flies.
So aggravating...
"Well, I don't care what you think. We're doing it anyway."
Kyon couldn't help but sigh (internally, of course) at Haruhi's flawed logic.
Then why bother asking us what we want to do in the first place?
Why give the faint, shining illusion of hope that our opinions might actually mean something to you, for a change?
"Okie dokie!" Haruhi beamed, smiling as sunnily as the theridion grallator. "Because there are a few shrines around the area, I thought we'd split up to get more covered. So we'll draw lots!" Triumphantly, she drew five pieces of paper out of her pocket. "People with the red tips in one group, blue tips in the other, alright?"
Haruhi held out the fistful of paper and, one by one, the members of the SOS Brigade drew.
Kyon did so with a world-weary sigh.
This scene was far too familiar.
Last time, he had gotten lucky, with partners such as Mikuru and Yuki, who were both quite cute, and not likely to inflict grievous bodily harm upon him.
He didn't suppose it would be too inconcievably awful to draw Haruhi this time round, either- despite being violent and dangerous, she could like a decent human being a good two percent of the time.
Besides, she was his girlfriend.
But Koizumi...
The silent esper was completely different.
He'd been acting so strangely, and during his bizarre personality transplant, Kyon had begun to feel strange, too.
It was confusing.
Even moreso than one of Nagato's complex books on space and science and stardust and the like.
"Hmn... I got red." Haruhi's voice filtered through Kyon's thoughts, like sunlight through a canopy of trees.
"Blue." The monosyllabic reply could only be Yuki.
"Same here." That was Koizumi, holding out the blue-tipped piece of paper for Haruhi's scrutiny.
"U-um... Oh... I got red..." said the stuttering Mikuru.
"Oh reallyy?" Haruhi held out her hand. "Show me."
Almost as if she didn't believe Mikuru.
Oh, come on. Why on Earth would anybody lie in order to be in Haruhi's group? Especially Mikuru, who gets savaged by you twice daily.
Or are you flattering yourself, Haruhi, into thinking everyone loves you so much they'd fight tooth and nail for the pleasure of being in your company?
Kyon sighed.
Haruhi's logic- or lack of it- was, at times, warped and downright confounding.
If Kyon was Mikuru, he'd be running fast as he could in the opposite direction once he'd drawn that red-tipped piece of paper.
Then again, Haruhi was freakishly fast, in addition to being freakishly strong (and generally freakish all round)- Mikuru wouldn't stand a chance against her in a running race.
"I guess you're right," Haruhi all but pouted, handing Mikuru her lot back. She turned to Kyon, affixing him with a deadly gaze. "So what did you get? Blue?"
"Yeah." Kyon looked at Haruhi in surprise. "How did you-"
"I made these, duh." Haruhi rolled her eyes. "I know I made three blue and two red. It's simple math, Kyon. Wake up."
"O-of course..."
That made sense.
Kyon felt disappointed in himself for that lapse of intelligence.
"Hey, I don't get why you're so upset to be paired with Miss Asahina, though," said Kyon, brows furrowed as he attempted to understand. Then again, attempting to understand Haruhi Suzumiya was a bit like attempting to solve a Rubiks Cube. Blindfolded. With both your arms tied behind your back. That is- extremely difficult, and foolhardy to attempt. "I thought you'd like having someone to play 'dress up' with as you look around?"
It must've been about as much fun dressing up the unresponsive Nagato as it was poking a dead corpse with a stick; and neither Kyon or Itsuki were female enough to warrant Haruhi's attention when it came to fashion matters.
So, for the life of him, Kyon couldn't figure out what Haruhi's problem was.
(Not that Haruhi only had one problem- there were many.)
The brunette in question sighed a little at Kyon's inquiries, and gave him a withering look.
"You should know."
"Then..." Kyon was struggling to understand. "If you wanted to be paired with a certain person, why not just decide the teams yourself?"
"Because it's no fun that way."
"But then you'll just make yourself miserable when you don't get what you want."
"Don't tell me what to do, I'm your leader! To question my rule is treason!" Haruhi snapped at Kyon. Her eyes narrowed.
Really, it was such a waste.
Haruhi looked so pretty when she stopped frowning.
So why did she insist on looking so darn unhappy all the time?
"I should execute you for your impertinence," Haruhi continued, jabbing a finger at Kyon. It came worringly close to his right eye- if Haruhi had been standing any closer to him, Kyon would've had to kiss half of his vision goodbye.
"Let's not go that far, shall we?" Kyon asked, taking a step back.
Kyon didn't bother pointing out murder was illegal. Haruhi's outburst seemed even more violent than normal, and he didn't want to provoke her.
Instead- like always- Kyon would quietly think his bitter thoughts from within the safety of his own skull, where Haruhi couldn't hear them.
"Alright then." Haruhi gave Kyon another dark look, before (finally) withdrawing her intrusive finger.
"Okay, everyone!" The schizophrenic brunette's face lit up into a bright smile. It was instantaneous, like a candle being lit inside a Halloween pumpkin.
Geez... I think your violent moodswings are going to give me whiplash.
You should give some warning before your emotions change so drastically- then I might be able to keep up with you...
But Haruhi did look a lot nicer when she smiled.
Like she was actually happy.
"There are only about three shrines in the immediate area. Two are real close by, so me and Mikuru will deal with those, and you three-" she pointed in turn at Kyon, Koizumi and, finally, Nagato (who was reading a book. Where had she got that from, anyway? She hadn't had it when they first met up...) -"are going to go explore the last shrine. You'll need to get a train there, it's about half an hour away, in Nishinomiya. You got that? We'll meet back at the café by four, understand?"
Kyon didn't have a chance to reply, before Haruhi said, forcefully; "Good."
And what Haruhi said went.
There was no arguing with her.
So this will be a nice, relaxing day with Nagato the mute alien, Koizumi the mute-and-possibly-insane esper, and little old me.
...I wonder if Haruhi wouldn't mind swapping places with me.
a.n: I can't believe I updated this o:
can you believe I updated this? XD
Well, um, I decided I should carry on with this story because I noticed people were still favouriting it and reviewing it even now after it has been dead-ish for about a year- and that thought made me feel happy, so I decided to keep on writing ^_^ Although, I had forgotten my original plot, so I had to read back through what I'd written to jog my memory XD
This chapter may seem kind of filler, but it's not. Really.
Actually, I don't even have that much of this story left to write- if it follows my original plan (I HAVE PLANS! HUZZAH!) it's about five to six chapters away from the end.
But I can /never/ make accurate promises on how long my fics get 'cause they always spiral out of my control in the end XD
ho hum~
Stick around for the next update, ne? maybe it will take less time than a year XDD
renahhchen xxx