A/N: I know, I know, I just suck. But I can guarantee you that if you people would actually tell me that you are reading that I would update. I am also aware of how crappy the first chapters, please keep in mind that I kind of jumped into this, I was just too excited and I have also improved my writing, and I just can't stand reading them, but I am forcing myself to move on because I need to tell you people all that I have written so far. Anyway I have a quick question for anyone out there.
Kay so (cheese) I came up with another path that this story could take. I am going to write what I originally planned unless you people out there (if you exist) ask for it. Basically in the other ending Alex isn't actually the father, he was too compassionate to do it and blah, blah, I thought it was sweet. I won't post it unless you ask for it though because frankly it would take a bit of research, I will look into it though if you wish. If you have any questions at all feel free to PM me, it would be much appreciated. Now maybe you can read some…
Disclaimer: Or not! Now you get to read about how I own nothing except for well Alex and Lisa and Martin (kinda belongs to my brother but I made him a part and figured out his point in life, for this story, I'm still working on the actual thing), and most of the wolves, although a lot of them are inspired/requested by my friends and then Stephanie Meyer chose the insane amount (I mean HONESTLY how on earth am I supposed to create a good story with 17 freakin werewolves, imprints, my main characters, and family and crap, I mean really, wasn't 17 just a BIT much?), and of course she owns the concept of the werewolves, imprints, and then all the ones that SHE created and such, wow, longest disclaimer ever, you might never read about Lisa and her troubles anyway, you could give up. I am just rambly today anyway, I should get out more…
Onward at last!
Chapter 10 What Have I done?
LPOV:
I took a deep breath. Again, what else to do anyway? Alex stirred on the couch. I mentally groaned, worst and best timing in the world love. Alex forgot the whole mental thing and groaned aloud.
"Lisa? Are you okay? I heard you come back…" He was struggling to stay awake, if I wasn't freaked out beyond my mind I would have laughed.
"I'm alright, but I'm staying home today, I just threw up, and I'm really tired." Alex jerked himself awake at this.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" He asked kissing my forehead, his lips were warmer than usual and it felt amazing on my clammy skin. I nodded against him, already feeling the tendrils of sleep grabbing at me, I gave into them and drifted away. I heard Alex's muffled goodbye as he left the room and then I sunk a bit deeper into sleep.
When I awoke I listened carefully, no one was home, I shifted my gaze to the clock and quickly understood why, it was nearly 1 p.m. I dragged myself out of bed and threw on some clothes, a t-shirt with my converse and favorite jeans, for good luck (as if it would help, what did I want anyway? Yes or no? It's true that I always longed for a child of my own, and that I had always wanted to have children with Alex, just after we were married, not in my senior year of high school, not here, not now, it just didn't fit). I walked at a fast pace to the gas station on the corner. I wanted to seem confident, no matter how crappy I felt. Luckily I had years of experience hiding how I felt, and no one seemed to think anything was wrong, except for the fact that I wasn't in school. Outside a mid-fifties woman was smoking a cigarette, I held my breath as I walked by. The bell dinged loudly, startling me, as I walked in, I released my breath just as the bell dinged again, the woman had come in, apparently she was the only person working, imagine that. She stood behind the counter and I felt her eyes on me. I tried to ignore them as I made my way to the worst part of the trip, the purpose.
On I grabbed a test that seemed fairly reasonable, trying not to look anymore stupid than I did by staring at them. On my way to the counter I grabbed a bag of Fun-juns, they just looked good. In honor of Juno I grabbed a thing of Sunny D and made my way to the counter. The clerk looked at me skeptically as she rang up the items.
"You know we sell condoms? I can get you some." The clerk, Mable, rasped. I tried my hardest to keep from punching her, did I LOOK like a slut?
"Oh, really? Well I saw some nicotine gum over there, why don't you try some of that?" Mable sneered at me, shoved my bag into my hands and pointed angrily at the door.
"Stay out of my store you whore!" I laughed her off, oh let her try to lay a finger on me, but I exited quickly anyway, the smell of her smoke saturated clothes was giving me a headache, smoke and I just don't mix well.
With each step I took towards home I grew faster, the anxiety was really getting to me, by the time I was in my kitchen I was out of breath from running. As soon as I was in my house I started chugging, reminding myself of Martin and his friends, once they had a chugging contest. Each of them had a huge thing of Hawaiian punch, and were seeing who could drink it all the fastest, I had won, because the rules were that if you puked, you lost. I just had one glass at a time, within ten minutes everyone else was puking their brains out. I was done the next morning, and declared the winner.
When half the container was gone and I felt quite sloshy I went to the bathroom and waited. Before long the urge made itself apparent and I did my business. I sat on the toilet seat with my Fun-juns and waited. It took five minutes; six minutes too long in my opinion. I listened to the faucet leak even though I could fix it if I just turned the sink off, mainly because it was my only record of time.
Finally I looked over, I mentally gave myself a pep-talk saying that anyway would be fine. I didn't want this to happen, because of the fact that it means I lied, I wanted to actually be someone, not a young mom who grows up alone with her child cause her parents kicked her out. But as much as I didn't want it to happen, I did. I wasn't sure if I could take the pain that would be associated with the rejection, of the knowledge that my body didn't love me enough to give me what I wanted. I wanted it both ways, but it could only be one.
I looked over. +. +! I couldn't stop the smile, before I let my hopes get too high in the sky I checked the box. + meant positive. I did a little happy dance before I stopped nearly in mid-air. If my brain had been a milli-second faster I would have fallen flat on my face.
The test was +. What did this mean? I don't even know what happened that night, WWIII could have torn across the planet and been gone and I would still be in my happy place, confused as to the location of everyone else when I finally awoke. A body's self-defense systems are rock-solid. Especially mine. I had no idea how Alex would react, it isn't like this is something we talked about, every moment we had to ourselves was spent sleeping or just touching in content silence. Our lives weren't easy, hiding the fact that your true love is next to you, and that you both know it, is possibly the hardest thing in the world. Even more so when you have been fantasizing about re-meeting this person for eight years and are now unable to enjoy their return.
Marriage and kids were so far into the future it wasn't even a question really. I was still adamant about no sex before marriage, and he was still trying to forgive himself for all the crap he did to me, and everyone else. Neither of us were ready to even think about approaching 'that step' and we didn't enjoy revisiting that night either. We weren't proud of it, and were still building up to fully facing it.
But that was just Alex. Martin looked up to me, he'd never admit it, but it's pretty obvious. Martin had looked up to Annabelle as well, but the falling out hadn't just been between us two, it was the whole family, I think that through it I actually did the best, I had still e-mailed her about my day, and prayed for her. It wasn't just that she left God, but in that she left everything we thought she believed in. Her friends, her family, her life, all of it. We didn't yet look up to her again, but we trusted her more with Billy at her side, I wasn't sure what my failure would do to him, I wanted him to be happy.
Mom and dad would kill me, I don't think they'd kick me out of the house, but they'd kick Alex out, I couldn't handle that. Death would be better. I was always the perfect little girl, and even though I wasn't perfect I had been proud to call myself pure. Now how could I convince them that this was true, with a long lost love at my side and his child inside of me.
What about school? I am a straight A student in AP classes, and I wanted to go to college next year. No college would accept a girl already with a baby, and my grades would fail me as well. My grades would drop, and my future I had worked so hard to build would crumble into a pile of dust. All because of a baby.
And Chessie? Oh, Lily would murder me. With her love of all things popular she would immediately despise me. No, I believe that she would genuinely care… a little bit. She would say, 'Oh, I'm sorry but I need to talk to Mrs. Jayson instead of eating, why don't you go eat with your baby daddy?' She would attack me and I would be rendered helpless against her power. I would automatically be hated by all teachers and administrators, I was no longer a teacher's pet. No, I was a miscreant.
I curled in on myself, tears streaming down my cheeks and creating a puddle on the tile of my bathroom, I still clutched the test in my hand, willing it to change.
APOV:
I am worried sick about Lisa. It is taking everything in me to not stand up and begin pacing in the middle of Biology. I am driving home now with Martin in shotgun. In the seat behind me is a strawberry cheesecake, her favorite. I really hope she is okay, she sounded really bad this morning. My hands began to shake again. I took a deep breath to calm myself and Martin politely acted like he didn't notice. The shaking has been getting worse. Today in second period I almost lost it when I found out that my partner was absent today. I mean I was full on shaking. It was rather frightening and it got some weird stares, especially from Brady, he looked like he was going to bolt out he door for help or something. I pushed all those thoughts from my mind though as I pulled into the driveway. Martin reached over for the keys not bothering to get out.
"I have a study group that I need to go to, check on Lisa for me okay? I'll see you later." I grabbed the cheesecake and walked in the kitchen to put it in the fridge. Once my present was safely trapped inside its frigid prison I looked around. The note on the counter left by her mother sat untouched; the can of soup unopened. I checked the fridge to see if she had gone for leftovers instead. It was all there, and so was half a gallon of Sunny D. I headed upstairs to her room, wary.
No one was there either; I heard a whimper from the bathroom and poked my head in. I nearly burst into tears myself. There, curled into the fetal position was Lisa, my love. A small puddle of tears had formed and was wetting her hair. To anyone else she would have look as though she had cried herself to sleep, but I knew better, she could hear nothing, feel nothing, and her eyes, if opened, would be blank. There was some trash on the floor, but it wasn't important to me, I just wanted to know if she was okay. What had happened? I picked her up bridal style and held her close to me as I sank down onto the bed. I set her down on the pillows and covered her shaking body with the sheets. I kissed away her tears and said "I love you Lisa. It's Alex and you are safe," so many times I lost count. After each repetition I kissed her softly.
I glanced at the clock. It had been at least an hour since I found her, she had barely stirred. I was going insane. I felt like I lost her I had no idea what was going on, what had happened that was so bad that she had gone to her safe place? I kissed her harder, longer this time, a few more tears falling on her face as I did so, but these were my tears, not hers. Her lips twitched under mine. I pulled back, cradling her face in my hands.
"Lisa? Lisa it's Alex. I love you, you are safe; I am not leaving you."
She took a deep breath. She was okay! Her eyes opened, and beautiful blues looked back at me.
"Alex? What happened, are you alright?" Her voice was thick with lack of use over the past who knows how many hours? I pulled her to me again, I needed to kiss her and have her respond, everything was just screwed up. She kissed me back, and I smiled against her lips.
"Lisa, I am okay now that you are back, but you are the one with explaining to do. When I came home you were mentally gone, and you were curled up in the bathroom crying. Darlin' I was frantic, what happened?" Her still heavy lidded stare, suddenly widened. She closed her eyes and tried to curl up again.
"Lisa! No! I am here, I love you! And nothing you can say to me will make me leave!" She was looking at me again, I softened my tone, knowing she was still with me. "Baby, what has happened?" She winced at my statement, I found nothing wrong with it though, and was trying to figure out what I had said when she pulled her left hand out from under the sheets.
"Baby is wrong Alex." What? I still didn't understand. She opened her hand. Inside was a white plastic stick with a plus sign in some kind of panel.
"Lisa, is that a-a-" I tripped over the word, she finished for me.
"It is a pregnancy test, and it is positive." Her voice lowered. "I am so sorry Alex. I can have it adopted, or-or something, I don't know, but please stay with me-"
I put a finger to her mouth quickly. "Lisa, don't do this to yourself, I know how long you have wanted a baby, since before you met me" she opened her mouth, I spoke quickly. "And you are not getting rid of this baby anymore than you are getting rid of me. I love you, and although I understand this is the worst timing possible, this is NOT your fault in ANY way, you did NOTHING of this, it was all me."
She relaxed and lowered her head into me, I was shaking with self-hatred, how could I have done this to her? "Wh-what will I tell mom and dad? Martin? Lily?"
"Shh… they will just have to deal with it." I lifted her from my chest. "I have a present for you," Her face brightened, I smiled. "Let me go get it, it's downstairs, I'll go get it."
I ran downstairs and grabbed the cheesecake and a fork, and rushed back as soon as I could, hating to be away from her, and not wanting to think, sadly, the 5 seconds away from her only made me hate myself more, I dropped the fork twice I was shaking so hard. I gave her the cheesecake and she smiled in thanks. Before I could sit down the doorbell rang. 'Perfect timing'
"I'll be right back, Love." I whispered, my voice staying calm for her only. By the time I was shaking so hard my vision was blurry. My muscles ached, I felt like exploding, but I kept in one piece, until I opened the door, it took me a few seconds before I realized that that Brady kid and another man were standing there. By the time I measured the look of alarm on their faces I was already being dragged outside. They took me behind the house and I tried to shout at them, telling them to let me go back inside.
My bones were screaming now, my brain was on fire, hell, ALL of me was on fire. I screamed in aggravation and pain, and then I wasn't screaming, I was howling. HOWLING? How am I fucking howling? A man began talking in my head, and I felt like I should listen to him, but all I saw was Lisa, alone, pregnancy test next to her, thinking I hated her. WHAT HAVE I DONE?
LPOV:
I heard Alex open the door. Silence. Then I peeked out the window, the doorway was empty. Maybe he invited them in? I strained my ears, trying to hear muttering from downstairs. Then I gasped as a scream broke through the silence, nearly deafening me. But this scream didn't just hurt my heart, my soul ached to fix the person making this sound; it's Alex.
Then the scream broke into a howl, dogs barked, close to the house. Big dogs. Where was my Alex? What happened? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
A/N: Awww, misunderstandings are just so saddening, sorry for any mistakes, but I am just going to post this because it has been so long. This chapter was long, even without the page long intro :D In the middle of writing it Pandora radio played 'You Never Let Go' by Passion. It really fit right when Lisa was questioning about keeping the kid or not, I liked it, look it up, it is actually about God, and I love it, but the chorus fits the chapter. Anyway thanks for reading, please review!
~Wish my name was Elizabeth (Or Molly Jean)~
P.S. Totally don't have to read, but the Molly Jean thing is actually a name from a story that I am writing. But don't get your hopes up just yet! I really am in love with it, it is a Jasper x OC, but I haven't typed three words of it, my betas are still reading it (a.k.a. my friends), and I don't want to post anything about it until I have typed out like 5 or six more chapters of Dead Horse, I don't want to be as inconsistent with posting it. Thanks!