Chapter 10 There's no point

"...you need to start dealing with it..."

"Talking about it will help...you can't hide from it forever."

"You might want to consider trying group therapy, being around other victims might help.."

I laid in bed the next morning replaying snippets of my last few conversations with Bobby in my head as I stared out the window at the early morning sky and debated whether or not to do something about it. I stretched out across the large empty bed, which for once wasn't filled with Alex's warm body as we always said it was good to spend some nights apart. And on this particular morning I was glad to be alone. Because I'm sure all this thinking about Bobby and our talks was putting a weird look on my face and if Alex had been there beside me then he would have questioned me about it. And to be honest, I just needed time to myself without Alex around. Don't get me wrong, he was great to have to lean on and I was so glad he hadn't run off screaming when he found out the truth. But I knew there were times when this was a little intense for him and he needed breathing room as did I. So as I laid there looking out the window, I felt a moment of peace that rarely came when I was alone these days. Maybe it was because I was seriously thinking of taking Bobby's advice and the act of tryign to move forward could only be positive, right?

"I might as well give him a call and ask him about it." I said to myself as my eyes landed on my cell phone and the folded piece of paper beside it. I grabbed both before I could talk myself out of it and dialed the number just as I was sitting up against the headboard with my long hair tumbling down my shoulder. I listened to the ringing on the other end and closed my eyes to avoid being distracted by anything that might make me want to hang up. I didn't have time to debate it long anyway as I heard a click and I nearly jumped. "Bobby? Hi it's me Savannah.."

"I had a feeling you would be calling sooner or later." Bobby said in such a tone of voice that it was obvious he was grinning in triumph despite the early hour. But he didn't seem annoyed or agitated and that I took as my first good sign of the day. "So...should I assume you called for a specific reason or just to chat with an extremely intelligent co-worker?"

"You're so modest and humble, but to be honest it is the former. I needed to ask you something." I held back from laughing at Bobby's cheesy attempt to be funny. He was normally so serious that when he did crack a joke, it tended to be out of left field and not go over well. But this wasn't about Bobby's humor, it was something much more serious. "Um, yesterday when we were talking at the gym, you might have mentioned group therapy and I..."

"Ah, I should have guessed that when you called me out of the blue. I'm just surprised you came around so quickly." Bobby replied with a click of his tongue and I could hear in the background the sound of shouting voices that meant his sons were running around somewhere close by him. And just for the slightest of seconds I had an image of seeing my nephews running towards me, the last time I had seen them, they were just toddlers. I had to shake that thought out of my head when Bobby started speaking again. "But since you asked, I do happen to know that there is a small church not too far from the arena that has a group meeting every Sunday afternoon for rape victims. I go to it with my sister whenever she is in town, so if you want to go then I would go with you."

"I don't want to ask you to do that, but I don't feel like I can ask Alex or Chris to come with me. I just think it would be less weird if it were with you, you know since you kind of know what its like..." I bit my bottom lip, almost mortified at the way I sounded like some stupid damsel in distress but I couldn't exactly hide the fact that I was nervous about this. It would be the first time I ever tried anything like this and I didn't know what to expect. And bringing either Alex or Chris would be awkward since they only had experience on the subject through me. At least Bobby had seen in his sister go through it and knew how it felt. "It's ok if you have to say no, I know you're probably busy with your family..."

"Not really, my wife is taking the kids out for the day and she would understand if I needed to help a friend. So it's cool." Bobby said it like it was no big deal but it was just that, a big deal. He may not know it but I certainly did. No one in my family ever did anything like therapy and here I was about to do just that. And with the person who had first discovered my secret. That meant a lot. "So we'll meet up at like 1:30? You know what church I'm talking about?"

"Yea,I know it. I'll see you then. Bye Bobby." I hung up the phone and tossed it onto the night stand before swinging my feet down to the floor. I felt the coolness from the open window across my skin and for a second I just sat there with my eyes closed and felt it. I had to gather myself for a few seconds before I could think of moving. Now that I had made the choice to do something about dealing with the rape, it had quickly made me shaky and I had to pull myself together if I intended to be at all productive today until I had to meet up with Bobby. I opened my eyes and let out a heavy breath.

"OK, I can do this. I just have to keep moving..."

That afternoon

"Alright, you said you wanted to talk, so talk." Alex Shelley's already agitated voice filled Bobby's ears as he noted the way the other wrestler dropped down into the seat across from him with a heaviness that said he was opposed to this conversation even though he had shown up like Bobby had asked him too. But now, looking at the glare the other man was giving him, Bobby was beginning to regret ever calling Alex Shelley to ask if they could sit down and talk before he went to meet with Savannah. He knew this guy hated him, hated him for something that he had conjured up in his own head but Bobby didn't feel right about going to that meeting with Savannah unless Alex knew about it. And more importantly, not before they had made peace with each other. Alex looked him over with dark eyes before sitting back with his arms crossed. "Well, speak! I don't have all day."

"Neither do I, so shut up and give me a second before you annoy me so much I get up and leave you here." Bobby couldn't help but snap back as he lost his contained composure for a minute. He saw Alex's brow raised high and even he couldn't deny the shock that was on his face. Bobby had spent a lot of effort trying to keep his emotions in check but with this guy, his resolve was wearing thin. He clenched his hands under the table and breathed through his nose. "I asked you to show up because I had something to mention to you that might irk you and it couldn't be said over the phone."

"And you think it will be safer in public so I won't throw a fit." Alex smirked triumphantly, his face clearly guarded in an irritating way because it seemed like no matter what was said, he was still going to hate him. "And the only thing that would make me cause a scene when it comes out of your mouth is if it has to do with Savannah. That's why I'm here isn't it?"

"Not to piss you off but yes it is. She might have told you about our conversation in the gym yesterday when I suggested group therapy to her and that's sort of the reason why I wanted to meet with you. She called me this morning..." Bobby watched as Alex's eyes flared up almost instantly towards the end of his statement but he was prepared for that. He knew just how much this kid was jealous of him despite the fact that he had no interest at all in Alex's girlfriend except to help her. And he was hoping to get through to Alex for once. "Look, before you get mad, let me just tell you that she was only calling about taking me up on my offer about the therapy thing. And she felt weird about going alone, so I said I would go with her."

"Yea, I'm definitely mad now. Even though I do agree she needs to talk about it more." Alex practically growled, sitting up in his chair with his folded up hands on the table top looking like he wanted to pounce across it and tackled Bobby to the floor. Bobby tensed up, thinking he might actually do it but Alex just sat there unmoving with his eyes narrowed. "But I cannot fucking believe that she would ask you for help instead of..."

"I know where this is going and I'm going to stop you right now." Bobby cut in, holding up his hand to let Alex know he wasn't going to be interrupting him back. "She felt weird about asking you, she feels more at ease with me going because I know what she's..."

"Oh because you know what she's going through and not because you're trying to make a move on her? Well bullshit!" Alex snapped loudly, gaining the attention of employees behind the counter who stared at their table with frowns and Alex sank back in his chair looking almost wilted but not enough to stop with his tirade. He leaned across the table and said. "I know you want her, or else you wouldn't have suddenly just started to pop up out of your supposed concern for..."

"Will you fucking let that go? How many times do you need to hear it before it gets through your damn head that I don't want to steal your girlfriend from you?" Bobby had had about enough of Alex's accusations and he was finally prepared to fire back and put the younger man in his place. It would be justified if there had been a truth to it but there wasn't. He didn't want Savannah, he never had and he never would. And having the opposite thrown in his face so much was getting on his last nerve. He glared back into Alex's face. "I'm married, I have three sons and I am madly in love with my wife. And you're so fucking that you can't even see that I don't want Savannah, your jealousy is clouding your judgment."

"It just seems odd to me that you keep coming around. You could have just said you knew about her secret and then left it alone. But you had to keep going to her, offering her help. That's my job." Alex said fiercely and it seemed to dawn on the both of them that this was the reason behind Alex's fired up emotions. Bobby was doing what Alex wanted to be doing for Savannah and Bobby kept on taking that away from him. Alex wasn't getting the opportunity to shoulder some of the burden because of Bobby and if there was anything to take away his frustration, it was this realization. It seemed to have had the same effect on Alex because when he spoke again, the jealous tinge was gone. "I'm suppose to be the one doing this for her..."

"She just thinks I will make it less hard then it already is. It's nothing against you, trust me." Bobby assured him even though he knew next to nothing about the relationship between those two. He knew how Savannah felt about Alex but she seemed to not want to involve him in this for fear of scaring him away. Bobby looked at Alex and sighed. "Look, my sister was raped when she was in high school and I saw how hard it was for her. And Savannah reminds me of her, that's why I'm trying to help her. I'm not trying to edge you out or anything. And that's the truth."

Alex went silent for a few seconds and just stared at him like he was debating whether or not to believe this. Bobby knew he couldn't force Alex to take his word at face value but he was hoping it would happen. If only for Savannah's sake, the last thing she needed was feuding men in her life when she was trying to take a step forward.

"You might have a point, ok? I'm willing to admit that I might have been in the wrong for how much I over reacted..." Alex grumbled like it caused him a lot of pain to say that he was in the wrong but at least he was doing it so that had to count for something. But Alex being Alex wasn't entirely letting it go as he leaned in close with a smirk. "But I still don't like you."

"That's ok, because I don't like you either. But I will deal with you for her sake." Bobby replied back with his own smirk and crossed his arms over his chest. "We don't have to be friends or like each other. But we have to attempt to get along. Savannah needs as many people supporting her as possible and the only way for her to get through this is if we are all on the same page. Deal?"

"Deal."

1 hour later

"Alright, so are you ready to do this or what?" Bobby's voice came at me so suddenly that I nearly stumbled over my own feet from where I had been leaning against the edge of my car for the past 10 minutes waiting for him. I saw him hanging halfway out the door of his car in a parking spot beside me and I had been so caught up in day dreaming that I hadn't been aware of his arrival and judging by the way he was silent laughing at me, he had been trying to get my attention for quite a while. I felt my cheeks flame up as he turned his car off and got out, slamming his door shut as he shook his keys around his finger. "How long have you been waiting?"

"About 10 minutes. I thought we were meeting up at 1:30." I said, running my fingers through my hair as I laid eyes on the small church across the parking lot where this group therapy meeting today and I tried my hardest not to cringe as I spoke again. "I guess you were running late for some reason."

"You could say that. I was actually talking to Alex, we decided to meet up before I came to join you." Bobby said this so casually as if it were no more a big deal then remembering to take out the trash. But this was a very big deal. It was only yesterday when Alex was expressing his insane jealousy over Bobby and now they were meeting up? Oh that wasn't crazy at all. Bobby must have sensed that's what I was thinking because he quickly added. "It turned out alright I think. I just let him know that I was coming with you to this meeting and that it was in no ways a trick to try and take you away from him."

"He actually sat there and listened to you and didn't throw a punch? Oh I wish I could have seen that." I pressed my lips together in a smirk at the thought of Alex and Bobby having a civilized conversation. The image of it was so comical that I momentarily forgot my nervousness and giggled. "Alex was so badmouthing you after we got home from the gym so I find it hard to believe that you two talked things out."

"Well we did and I think it went just swell." Bobby rolled his eyes, showing he knew just how ridiculous he sounded. "We'll never be best friends but I think we found common ground. Enough where we can walk by each other at the arena and not send death glares. That's progress right?"

"It's the best I can hope for with you two." I shrugged, more then thrilled that finally this whole ordeal could be put in the past. It would be one less thing for me to worry about right now. I sighed in contentment and tucked my hands under my arms. "Well, since that is over, should we..."

"After you." Bobby waved his hand in front of him,signaling that I should lead the way so I did with him coming up behind me. We walked in silence for a few seconds, my eyes trailed on the church as it got bigger the closer we got to it. I didn't take notice of it before when I got here but I noticed it now as I felt my heart thudding almost painfully against the inside of my chest every time I took a step forward. In just a few moments I was going to be walking through those doors and facing a group of people who shared the same horrible experience as me, something I had never come across in the past few years. I never took into account how nerve-wrecking it would be to do that and now I wasn't so sure I should be doing this. I came to a stop so suddenly that Bobby crashed into me hard and almost sent me flying to the ground but his hand grabbed my arm and held me upright. "Savannah? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I uh, I don't think I want to do this." I fell over my words as they came spilling out and I felt the blood rushing in my ears as I took a step back and looked at Bobby's surprised expression. "I can't go in there. There's no point in it."

"No point? I don't understand how you can say that." Bobby let go of my arm and scratched the back of his head in confusion. "I thought you agreed it would be helpful to be around other victims and that talking about it would help."

"I thought it would be helpful, but then it just hit me right now. What is the point in talking about it when nothing can be done?" I asked, surprised that this dawned on me so quickly and out of where when it hadn't occurred to me at all today. "I mean think about it. Talking about it is great and all, but only if something can be done about it."

"Ok..."

"But what about my situation? I waited too long to say anything, I washed away any evidence there might have been to put that asshole behind bars. And I regret doing that every single day because now, even if I speak up, he will still get away with it. So why put myself through the agony of reliving it when I know he will never be punished for it?" I asked, hearing my voice getting chocked up with emotion the more I went on with releasing these thoughts from a dark place I never knew I had. I knew that I would always come to a point where I would have to face this particular fact. The fact that if I had just gone to the police that night or gone to a hospital to have a rape kit done, then maybe Randy would be in jail right now and I wouldn't have gone on the run away from everything I knew. That if I hadn't given myself over to the darkness of my sadness then maybe I would have said something to the police instead of sitting in that shower and washing away any physical evidence that was on me. But I had and I couldn't change it no matter how much I wanted to. Holding on to that regret was just going to destroy me from the inside out. It would be a reminder that Randy was getting away with a crime. Just like going into this meeting would be a reminder. I looked up at Bobby and shook my head. "There's no point in going in there. Talking about what happened won't change it and it will just be torture for me because the outcome is still the same. He raped me and got away with it. End of story."

"I still think you should at least give it a try. You don't know it won't help you unless you give it a shot." Bobby tried to tell me, his eyes turning sympathetic and I knew he thought I was going to burst into tears any second now. "Come on, I'll be in there with you..."

"I'm sorry, I can't. If I can't see the outcome that I want then I don't even want to try." I shook my head and turned back to head for my car. "I'm sorry for dragging you out for nothing, but this was a mistake."

"Savannah wait!" Bobby called after me, but I was already hurrying away without looking back.

A few hours later

"Savannah Lillian McMahon, where in the hell have you been?" Alex's voice practically shouted at me the second I climbed out of my car and found him jumping up from the porch steps where he had apparently been waiting for me and we walked towards each other at the same pace with him looking both worried and relieved at my arrival. I knew the reason for that look, he had probably been thinking I would come home right after the meeting and I hadn't done that at all. After I walked away from Bobby, I had gotten in my car and just drove around for a while for the sole purpose of avoiding having to face him. After learning that Alex and Bobby had a meeting of their own, it made me apprehensive to think of dealing with him. I knew he would want to know what happened, especially since it involved Bobby and I just did not have the energy to have that conversation. I was just grabbing my house key when Alex reached my side. "You were suppose to be home like hours ago.."

"Thanks for the concern Dad, but I'm fine." I rolled my eyes at the protective edge to his voice and the wild way his eyes looked over me as if he were expecting me to be hurt in some way. I sent him a slight smile as we headed back to the house. "I didn't come home right away because I wanted time alone and I knew you would be waiting for me."

"Of course I would be, you were hanging around with Bobby for part of the day. I would want to know about what went on the second you got home." Alex didn't even bother trying to hide his darkening look for the other man but at least he kept his tone and words reigned in for the moment. Maybe he and Bobby would never truly get along but they could at least be civil. Alex was hot on my heels as I walked up the porch steps and put my key in the door. "So how did it go?"

"It didn't go. I got back in my car before I was even half way across the parking lot." I shrugged my shoulders as I let myself into the house, allowing Alex to be the one to close the door as I tossed my bag on the hallways table and headed for the kitchen. I felt Alex's eyes practically staring a hole through me so I turned around to find his eyebrows knitted in confusion. I placed my hands on my hips and frowned. "What?"

"You walked out? You didn't even try?" Alex's mouth fell open and I don't know why but I felt like he was really disappointed in me for this. Now that was way out of left field. I can't remember the last time Alex looked at me like this and I certainly didn't think it would be over something like this. He crossed his arms and pressed his lips together. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I didn't want to do it." I almost snapped in his face, feeling my face get warm when I was on the verge of losing my temper. This talk had just started and already I felt the bottom falling out of it. "So sorry if you're bothered by that. I didn't realize I needed your permission to walk away."

"Don't be like that, you know I didn't it mean it the way it came out." Alex sighed, seeming to be walking on a rope as tight as I was. He uncrossed his arms so he could run his fingers through his dark hair before saying. "Why didn't go through with it? Bobby said you seemed like you really wanted to do it and I actually agreed with him on that.."

"Oh so now you're on Bobby's side? Are you two the ones who are in this relationship now?" I hissed sarcastically, seeing the twinge in Alex's face when I said this and I knew I had struck a nerve. "You both get to decide what you think I need to be doing?"

"Don't be like that." Alex rolled his eyes this time, sticking his tongue out between his teeth. "You're being way too sensitive about this."

"Says the guy who jumped into a rage every time Bobby came around me. And now you two are on the same page." I wasn't mad at Alex, not at all. This was more about me and the anguish that was building inside of me that was now being taken out on him. "Look, this isn't about what you and Bobby want, it's what I want. And I decided I wasn't ready to deal with this."

"Were you just not ready? Or were just trying to avoid it again like you do everything?" Alex shot back, his patience obviously gone as his comment shot through me like a knife. I actually felt my face fall when he said this but I couldn't deny that he had a point. I did avoid things. Avoiding calling us a couple for years, avoiding telling anyone about the rape and now avoiding dealing with it. But to have him outright say it to my face was just harsh. "Savannah, I'm not trying to be mean, but ..."

"That was kind of mean though and right now, I'm going to walk away before I say something mean back." I informed him before walking past him towards the porch door and letting myself out into the back yard.

2 hours later

I was still sitting on a lounge chair by the pool when I heard Alex come out of the house onto the porch but I didn't bother turning around to look at him. I remained curled up with my elbow on the chair's arm and my knees pulled up close to my chest as I stared at the darkening sky above me. I had been switching between fuming over Alex's comments and feeling sad that he was right that I hadn't even thought about getting up to go back inside. I listened to his footsteps coming across the grass and then hitting cement around the pool as he came around the side of the lounge chair and sat right down on the end of it with his arms across his knees and his head turned to look at me. I stared back at him for a second, my chin resting in my hand as my elbow still rested on the chair arm for support. There was a small wind blowing through the yard, brushing my hair into my eyes and blocking my view of him. I went to push it back but found Alex's hand doing it instead.

"Thanks." I said quietly, leaning back with my legs stretched out in front of me and my ankles brushing against his back as I sighed. "So, you finally decided to come after me?"

"I was too chicken shit to face you after what I said. So I hid inside the house like the ass hole that I am." He said in explanation, turning to face me completely and I could see the ashamed look in his eyes. "I didn't mean to make you mad."

"I know you didn't and I didn't mean to take it so personally. We were both just frustrated and took it out on each other. No one is completely to blame." I replied with a small shrug, tucking my hands under my arms as I drew my eyes away from the sky and focused solely on his face. "It just seems like we're fighting a lot these days. And I didn't think it would be over something like this."

"Trust me I didn't expect to get so up in arms about it, it just sort of took over, you know?" Alex looked adorable in his shame as he hung his head low and hunched his shoulders deeply that meant he just needed distance right now. Alex needed to go through his emotions completely and feel the brunt of it before he could let go. So I knew to not reach out and touch him even though I wanted to. "I'm just worried"

"About what?"

"It's not just about you not going through with the meeting, its about the whole way you're approaching the situation since you told us about the rape." Alex answered back, tilting his head backwards to look up at the sky and I could tell by the tension in his neck that he was thinking about everything that had happened since that night. He turned his face towards me. "I worry that if you don't start to really talk about it, then it will build up and really end up hurting you in the end."

"I'm going to tell you what I told Bobby and I hope it gets through to you better then it did him." I sat up and crossed my legs under me, curling my toes instinctively when I was nervous and went on. "There was no point in going into that meeting and talking about when it won't help. Talking about it won't undo what happened to me and it certainly won't help me now. So why bother?"

"Why bother? Because then you wouldn't have to hold on to all that pain, that's why you bother." Alex shot back, his face tightening up like he was prepared for another go around like he had in the house. "You should really go back and try it again..."

"Alex, please just let it go for now. I don't want to fight with you again. I haven't had the best of days and I just want to attempt to end it better then it ended this afternoon." I heard my voice wobble and I quickly went silence to regain my composure so I wouldn't burst into tears. I had cried enough and I didn't want to shed any more tears. "I was pushing myself before I was ready and I felt suffocated because of it. And now I just want some peace and calmness. I will deal with it in my own time, but not right now."

"I guess I have to accept that." Alex nodded and while I could tell he didn't like my answer, he had the courtesy not to say anything about it and just sat there with me in silence for a while. The only sound came from the wind rustling the trees in the yard and the sound of cars going by on the street in the distance. Alex's eyes didn't leave my face as he got up the nerve to speak again. "I love you, you know that right? I only want you to be happy."

"I know..." I wanted to say I loved him too, I've been wanting to say it for a while even before he first said it to me. But I couldn't get the words to come out, maybe I just wasn't ready for it like I wasn't ready to go to therapy about the rape. It would come in its own time, but I wished it would hurry up. Alex didn't seem to care though as he sat back on the end of the chair with his hands behind him gripping the edge. I just smiled and sat back again. "I want us both to be happy."

A/N: So another crisis averted between Alex and Savannah. But can't say the same for the next chapter