Chapter 10

Gathering all necessary things for the surgery, Michaela tried to get a hold on her emotions, knowing she wouldn't be able to work with trembling fingers. Her world was shaken to its very foundations though. It wasn't only that two of her children had almost been killed while they were under her care but she herself had deliberately hurt a human being. Her mind was occupied with questions she had no answer for, such as: Why hadn't she realized what Tom was up to when he had come back for morphine in the morning? She had seen that his injury had healed up well. Had she simply been blinded by the fact that he was Dorothy's child and because of that assumed that he wouldn't lie? She had lost her objectivity as a doctor and she hadn't been able to protect her children properly. What was wrong with her?

However, whilst she was working on the young man's leg in the hope of saving it, Michaela refused to allow her emotional upset to distract her. The horror in Dorothy's eyes made her only more determined to prevent an amputation. Of course she could tell why Jake had doubted that this was possible but she still felt there was a chance she might succeed, and as long there was a chance, she wouldn't stop trying.

It was already light when she finally opened the door in order to give her report to the people waiting on the clinic porch. Of course Dorothy was relieved upon hearing the news. Michaela, however, sensed that she blamed her for Tom's suffering when she passed by without as much as a glance in her direction. Yet Hank even topped that when he told her that he was proud of her. How could someone be proud of damaging a human body? She hadn't felt so alone for a very long time.

Yet then she spotted Sully at Matthew's side strolling towards the clinic, and she went to him as if he was the opposite pole of a magnet that inevitably pulled her in his direction. She was having a hard time controlling her emotions now and barely managed to ask her oldest son to take care of his siblings for a moment. Then she sought comfort in Sully's arms and whilst his hands soothingly stroked her, guiding her away from prying eyes, she gave in to her desperation. She didn't register that Sully told her that he had heard from Matthew what had happened. She needed to get the horror off her chest, knowing he would understand for he was a kindred spirit.

"Sully, I almost shot a man." Her voice cracked. Speaking this truth out loud and still having the picture of the pool of blood and the severe harm the bullet had done to Tom's leg before her eyes, devastated her even more.

"You didn't have no choice," Sully instantly reassured. Truthfully, he had expected her to be upset that someone had broken into the house whilst they were all asleep, not berating herself for defending her family's safety by using a weapon.

Michaela stepped out of his embrace towards the small fence behind her clinic. Yet she didn't do it in order to reject the comfort he offered; she was simply still caught up in reproaching herself for what had occured at the homestead. Pivoting so as to face him again, she revealed her doubts, "I keep going over it in my mind. Maybe there was another way…" Her voice trailed off. If she had known it was Tom, she was sure she could have talked to him… On the other hand, he had pointed a gun at her, determined to use it…

It was as if Sully read her thoughts, and he knew he had to assure her that she had reacted the only possible way in this situation.

"You did what you had to do to protect your children," he stressed, searching for her gaze.

Michaela, however, was still too deep shock. Now that she was done with the surgery and could allow her thoughts to wander, she started comprehending what she had done. Her voice trembled when she explained, "But I took an oath to preserve life. When I think of how close I came to taking one…" Disgusted with herself, she averted her eyes.

Wanting her to recognize that she needed to focus on what was really important, Sully reminded her, "But you didn't. You saved him."

Hearing his words, Michaela looked up at him again. She could read in his face that he understood what it was that tortured her. His features were so familiar to her like the picture that her own mirror reflected. At the moment his expression promised her all of his support she needed. Letting out a long breath she went into his arms, silently asking him to give her his strength, and he was more than willing to do it.

"It's gonna be alright," he whispered, holding her close and Michaela remembered when he had first said those words, consoling and encouraging her at the same time. It had been after Brian fell into a coma and she had feared that she didn't know enough to help him. His unwavering trust in her was one of the reasons why she'd eventually dared an operation she had never done before. Back then it had saved her son's life. Now she needed to restore that faith in her own competency. It felt good to know that Sully was at her side.

As far as Sully was concerned, he feared that the tiniest movement would make her jump out of his arms. For a short minute he allowed himself to be selfish and savored finally holding her against his chest again, feeling her soft hair tickling his cheek…

In fact he was angry with himself. He had spent the night so far away from the homestead that he hadn't even heard the shooting; otherwise he would have gone there immediately. But Sully also knew that there was no use in looking back. Thus he decided instead to stay close by for the next few days until he could be sure things were back to normal. That was why it was he who noticed that Colleen couldn't cope with the events of that night at all. Yet when he took her to her mother, he learned that the girl didn't want to tell Dr. Mike how upset she really was. Unfortunately there wasn't an opportunity for him to reveal the truth of the situation, firstly because he thought it wasn't his place to do so with Colleen present and secondly because Dorothy burst unexpectedly into the room.

The composure Michaela had built with Sully's help earlier had crumbled to the ground again not only because of her argument with Dorothy but also as she had to concede that her efforts to save her patient's leg had been in vain. Now she had to do what she'd hoped could be avoided, for both, mother and son's sake. From now on, Tom would have to live with only one leg because she, his current doctor, had shot at him. Now that she was quite sure that a disease had caused his actions she felt even worse. Preparing for the amputation, tears kept escaping her eyes and blurring her vision.

"He made it all through the war with that leg," commented Jake dryly, standing at the head of Tom's bed. Michaela didn't see how Sully scowled at the barber but only sank deeper into her feelings of guilt.

"I did this." She wiped at the moisture on her cheeks, glancing at Sully who had stepped towards her, concerned at seeing her so distressed.

"No," he shook his head, laying his hand on her shoulder, wanting her to look at him again, "you didn't. He did."

But this time he failed in convincing her. However, he wanted her to know that he was there for her and thus he suggested, pointing at his chest, "Want me to do this?"

Strangely enough, Sully offering to do her job made Michaela focus again. Determinedly, she straightened her back and brushed away the last of her tears. Drawing her mind from her troubled thoughts, she stepped towards the bed, concentrating on the operation that would cost Tom his leg but save his life. The latter was all that counted.

...

When Sully went to the homestead the next morning, he felt as if things were finally back to normal. Michaela had wanted to keep vigil at her patient's bedside over night and thus she had asked him to look after the children; he couldn't remember when she had last asked him to do so.

His good mood faltered a bit though when he saw Matthew standing with his horse in front of the barn. "You alright?" he wondered as the young man wasn't able to meet his eyes.

"Yeah," replied Matthew, "I'm just wondering - if I'd have gotten there sooner…"

His gaze went to the house and he knew he didn't have to say more because he was sure that Sully understood. He did indeed.

Sully was aware of the fact that the oldest Cooper kid, as the man of the house, felt responsible for the family's safety. But so did he and knowing they shared the same feeling of guilt he admitted, "I've been thinkin' the same thing. I should have stayed closer. But," and now he reiterated the conclusion he'd arrived at earlier, "There's no use lookin' back. You do your best at the time; that's all you can do."

Matthew nodded silently. Of course Sully was right but he still thought he should have tried harder last night.

After the young man had left, Sully was confronted with the next set of problems. First he had to explain Brian that pretending to shoot a man wasn't an exciting game and then he couldn't get through to Colleen. Although he promised that he would make sure that no one would hurt her on her way to school and back, the girl flatly refused to leave the house, claiming she was too tired. Sully had never seen Colleen acting so withdrawn and was positive she was still caught up in the terror of the nightly attack. Thus he decided to alert Michaela to the state her daughter was in.

Back in town, he dropped Brian off at school and then actually managed to get Dr. Mike out of her clinic, wanting to inform her about Colleen. Yet whilst they were strolling towards the meadow, Michaela just kept talking about her own problems. To him, it seemed as if her patient and her professional questions were more important than her own kids.

When she finally stopped, welcoming his suggestion to talk to Cloud Dancing, he took the opportunity to tell her why he had wanted to see her: to make her realize that her daughter was so upset that she needed her mother's help.

When she told him she was sure that she would have noticed if something was wrong with Colleen he insisted, "You've been so caught up with Tom, you haven't had a chance to watch her close." He paused a split second so she could sense his disapproval when he added, "You forget – there were other people in the cabin that night."

Michaela stared at him in disbelief. Her heart started thumping heavily within her chest as she once again felt as if standing alone. Was there really no one around who could see that she only struggled with her doubts because she was certain that it was her who had started the terrible event at all? As to prevent her children being put in danger again she needed to find out what she had done wrong. Did Sully actually believe her to be so self-centered that she thought only of her own distress?

"I haven't forgotten," she interjected, emotionally withdrawing from him again, "I'm reliving it every waking moment."

"So does Colleen," Sully retorted, a tad softer now.

Michaela didn't want to take a chance and miss something being wrong with her daughter and thus she went out with him to the homestead.

Although his words still stung, in the end she was glad that he had directed her attention to Colleen. In taking care of her, she had regained some of her own composure and was later determined enough to prevail over Dorothy who tried to dictate how her son should be treated.

As Colleen gradually mastered her fears and Tom, free from the influence of the morphine, even apologized for what he had done to her, everything seemed to be right again for the family. Yet the next helping of trouble was already waiting for them when Jedediah Bancroft decided to come back to town.