Step two. Gaining Attraction.
Introduction.
For the past few days, Haru's been staring at Rin with very curious eyes. Rin finds this to be amusing and a good sign that Haru's interest in him is growing. Though he probably wouldn't feel so good if he could read what specifically Haru was curious about. That's because with each of those stares, Haru is wondering "how do I gain attraction for Rin?" It's possible that Rin was able to read the word attraction from Haru's mind, and hopeful thinking screened out the rest.
Haru really didn't like the second step required of him in relationship progression. The first step was easy. Spend time together. Well, he's staying at Rin's apartment, and neither of them have left the apartment very much, so spending time together is inevitable. Attraction, however is a completely different game.
Even though Rei advised him not to, he felt like he had no choice but to use his database of knowledge acquired from girls manga's in order to understand what constitutes being attracted to someone. First you need to like them. Well he and Rin had been friends since middle school, and Haru surely isn't the type of people pleaser who'd keep friendships with people he didn't like, so obviously he likes Rin.
Next is finding them visually appealing. Haru's eye's scanned over Rin's body next to him as he pondered this aspect. Despite the disarray of his living space, Rin took very good care of himself as far as grooming. He kept his body clean, he always smelled nice, his skin was unblemished, and he was clean shaven. Beyond grooming was the fact that he was tall, very fit, had longish hair that was soft as silk, and unique crimson eyes that could scare people, until they realized the possessor of those eyes was as kind as a teddy bear.
Haru thought the most striking feature about him in though was his smile. That moment when his lips part and his shining eyes crinkle a little bit as he exposes his shark toothed grin. Even though Rin's abnormally pointed teeth was another trait of intimidation, Haru found the trait to be another thing that made Rin one of a kind. As he thought about it, he realized that he appreciated the way Rin grinned for a long while now, even before he was trying to consider Rin in a romantic sense. He found that the way Rin lit up every time they met, also lifted him up a little too, even if he refused to outwardly express it.
Haru wasn't conscious of the fact that his eyes had been fixed onto Rin's lips while he was in his deep contemplation. Rin however couldn't help but notice it from the corner of his eye, the way Haru seemed to be staring. "I can't tell if he's trying to be coy or if he's just shy." Rin thought before he turned to face Haru and caught him by surprise with a kiss. Rin had been very careful not to be overwhelmingly affectionate with Haru this past week, but since Haru was so clearly begging to be kissed, he allowed himself to abandon some of his restraint. He slightly lowered his mouth in order to suck in Haru's lower lip, running the tip of his tongue against it inside his mouth. He gained the sweetest reward of hearing Haru softly whine in pleasure. God, just the noise alone was like a hot button to awaken his primal side. He broke the kiss to find Haru's cheeks slightly painted pink, and his eyes murky as he panted for air. "Too adorable. It's unfair you're so inviting." He had to look away, he promised himself he'd be good and not have sex again until Haru said he was comfortable with it. He mustn't complicate things by getting lost in passionate urges, especially since he started them in the first place.
Haru's head felt light, his cheeks felt warm, and on top of that he now felt slightly horny. "How annoying. Why did he need to distract me like that when I'm trying to figure out if I'm attracted to him?!" Haru softly sighed and nuzzled his face deep against the side of Rin's chest. It seemed like an odd way to hide from Rin, but he figured this would be the best way to hide his face from being read into, and also keep it safe from any further surprise assault. He both felt and heard Rin softly chuckle in response to his actions, but then Rin turned back to TV, draping his arm securely around Haru's side.
So where was he again? Oh yes, visual appeal. Haru quickly reviewed his thoughts previous to the sudden disruption and decided that, at least by societal standards, Rin was a catch. Haru also understood that he surely didn't find Rin's appearance to be in anyway ugly. In fact, in some ways, he found Rin to be quite beautiful, but he still wasn't convinced that this was a sign of attraction. Girls especially recognize and compliment the beauty of other people of the same sex all the time, but it doesn't mean they admire it in a romanticized or sexualized way. Haru found himself to be in that situation where he simply acknowledges that Rin is a really good looking guy.
The last requirement Haru could think of is a desire of spending time with the person of attraction. Haru had mixed feelings on this topic, because by nature he is a private person. So really it's hard for him to have a genuine desire to spend time with anyone. On the other hand, he can admit that up until very recently, he and Rin didn't spend nearly enough time together. After all, back when they met in middle school, he and Rin never saw each other outside of school and swim club. After that Rin went to Australia, and when he did come back, they were in separate high schools, and absorbed in spending time with their own separate teams. After graduation Rin was gone overseas again. It's sort of a miracle that they've remained friends all these years, let alone progress into anything else. With that timeline in mind Haru recalled that there were various times in the past he wished Rin was around more often. He used to hope that they could meet outside of competition settings. Of course he refused to be so needy as to voice these wishes to Rin and anyone else for that matter.
As he tallied up all his thoughts on Rin and the topic of attraction, the result made him less than confident. He knows he likes Rin, but only because he'd have to like him in order to stay friends. He finds Rin to be beautiful, but only recognizes his beauty in a platonic way. He knows he and Rin should spend more time together only because in reality they spent very little time together in the past. In the end, even though he fits all the criteria he could think of for someone who attracted to somebody else, all these ingredients were missing something.
He didn't feel like he really matched how the all the characters in the manga act. Attraction is more portrayed as a strong trance over the person. Not only does the person like their object of attraction, but they think nearly constantly about that person, and believe that person is somehow made perfectly for them. Not only do they find the person to be visually appealing, but they burn the image of the person into their brain, and find those physical aspects to be some sort of turn on, or something they could stare at all day. Lastly not only do people want to spend time with their object of attraction, but the desire to do so is so intense that there's a certain boredom and loneliness experienced as soon as they separate.
"Desire… yes." Haru realized that to be what was missing in all these elements. He was lacking in desire for Rin. Though knowing this only seemed to frustrate him even more. While at this point he had already gone above and beyond expectations of giving a relationship a try, he still didn't just want to tell himself that he tried, and admit defeat before achieving step two. It wasn't so much he really had much drive to see this relationship till the end, after all, he was still unsure a romantic relationship was even the least bit suiting to his normal lifestyle. It's more along the lines that he had already put in the effort of staying at Rin's apartment for eight days and leaving before gaining attraction would just be wasted time and effort. Haru hated more than anything to make an effort to do something unless it would produce some sort of good in his life. Though at this point maybe good was too much to ask for, but he still refused to let it go without some sort of result other than spending two weeks of watching TV, and receiving more affection then he ever thought he'd be comfortable with in his life.
"I just don't know how to see him through the lens of attraction. I've known him since we were practically kids, and I've only thought of him as a friend since then. Now I'm supposed to look at him and think he's a sexy devil? Someone I don't want to live without? How the hell am I expected to do that?" Haru thought he heard a term for this issue from one of the many seemingly useless conversations he's overheard in social settings. Friend…. Zoned, was it? The term made some sense to him now. He used to think it was weird excuse for people to reject possibly good romantic partners just because they've achieved a stable lesser amount of intimacy beforehand. If anything, it's logical to progress to deeper intimacy with people you're already comfortable with. But even though it is logical to date your friends, it seems the schematics of romantic relationships are the opposite of logical.
"Maybe I should ask Rin about it?" When Haru first started wondering about the nature of attraction he ruled out asking Rin, because for one it's embarrassing, and secondly he didn't want to offend Rin by saying he was having trouble being attracted to him. But maybe Rin knew something about how to get passed this friend zone thing. After all, Rin also viewed him as a friend for a long time as well. It's not like Rin had romantic feelings for him from the start right?
"I could tell by the way he talked, he already truly loved you then." Rei's words about the way Rin acted in high school hauntingly echoed in his mind. What if Rin had been in love with him from the start, and that's why he adjusted to this new relationship so easily? Does that mean there's no hope for him to get passed viewing things in the friend zone? More importantly than that, if Rin loved him from the start, why the hell did he wait so long to say anything about it? The pressure was once again starting to weigh down on Haru. Rin's arm around his waist stopped being a source of comfort and felt more like a restraint holding him down when he so desperately wanted to sprint out of the apartment and run away.
"CALM DOWN YOU BAKA." All thoughts ceased as Haru managed to drown them out with a single internal scream. "Doesn't Rin deserve a chance to talk things out before I turn away? Didn't this start with me wanting to embrace this relationship? I should at least tell him what's wrong. Preferably before I go crazy."
Haru turned his head up from his Rin's chest. Rin felt him shifting and looked down at him, their eyes momentarily locking. Crimson eyes filled with nothing but contentedness and comfort, met with deep blue ones portraying nothing but panic and hesitation. Of course, having Rin look directly at him, like he was expecting something, only made it harder for Haru to force words to form on his lips.
It took Rin only a second for the contentedness to wipe from his face and be replaced with deep concern. Even though Haru refused to let the rest of his face show any emotion, his eyes were practically screaming panic so deep it made him a little scared of whatever is going through Haru's mind. "What's wrong?" he asked with probably a little more panic than he hoped to portray. Whatever was wrong with Haru, it wouldn't be of any good if both of them were jumpy.
"Rin, how long have you been romantically interested in me?" Haru loudly blurted out in a weird response to Rin's question.
Rin wasn't sure how this pertained to his question, but in some way he found Haru asking this to be kind of cute. It was really unlike Haru's personality to be curious over something like that. He usually wouldn't care about somebody else's feelings towards him, especially not enough to directly ask them about it. "Could Haru's panic just be that he's insecure about my feelings towards him?" Rin couldn't help but find that possibility to be quite adorable.
"Well it's kind of hard to pinpoint. I've been looking back on it lately and I realized that we've always had a bond that's deeper than normal friendship. Or, I should at least say it was deeper than all other friendships I had. But at the same time our bond had always been tied up in swimming. So really, it wasn't until I thought of giving up swimming that I realized that loosing you hurt even more than walking away from the rest of my life. After that my feelings for you just finally became obvious to me. As for when it happened I told you the same very night."
"So, before that you viewed me as a friend right?" Haru's second question was asked just as urgently which threw off Rin's whole theory of possible insecurity issues.
"Well yeah? I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" Haru blinked at him, his face finally relaxing into relief from hearing Rin's answers.
Rin noticed the change in Haru's expression, which only bewildered him more. "I just… expected that maybe you wanted to hear something sappy, like the idea that I've had a thing for you for a long time."
"Noooo. I just want to know how you did it."
"Discovered my feelings for you?" "Well I suppose that's a romantic topic in itself." Rin wasn't sure what his theory was anymore. If he had any more time to think about it he'd remember that Haru really wouldn't have sappy conversations just for the sake of being sappy.
"Well, kind of about that. I wanted to know how you stopped seeing me as a friend. Because I don't think I can be romantically attracted to you as long as you're stuck being friend zoned."
Rin's eyes doubled in size as he stared at Haru, his jaw slightly dropping. "Excuse me, d-did you just use the term 'friend zoned'?"
Haru just blinked at him and answered, "Yes. Is it the wrong term?" After all, even though the term sounded like a logical summary of his issue, he could have heard it wrong. Or maybe he just spoke some sort weird dirty slang for all he knew when it came to topics like this.
Rin rose from the couch and then roughly ran his hand through his hair looking down at Haru. "I feel like I'm in a bizarre dream here! You must be mistaken. You are attracted to me."
Haru scowled. He had been debating this for days, only to have Rin say he understands what he thinks better than he himself does. "Well that's pretty cocky. Not the whole world is attracted to you."
Rin rolled his eyes. "I don't think that Haru. It's just that… well what do you call this?" Rin waved around. "We've been spending the past eight days cuddling during the day and sleeping together at night. We've kissed numerous times!"
"That's me holding up my promise to keep an open mind to do boyfriend things!"
"Oh yeah? And what about that first night? What we did at that pool when I first told you my feelings? How do you explain that if it wasn't attraction? You sure as hell seemed attracted to me."
Haru turned his face away, staring at the arm of the couch as he muttered, "I don't know what that was." His voice began to raise as his frustration surged in him. "I mean, I'm not going to pretend that didn't feel good, but I don't consider it proof of attraction either. It was simply a physical reaction. I had never been touched before. I had never been kissed before either. Years of denying any sort of physical pleasure just bubbled to the surface when you kissed me."
Rin cocked his eyebrow "Physical reaction?" he said with a voice laced with skepticism. Haru nodded still refusing to look at him. This was starting to look impossible. How could Haru be so oblivious to all the obvious signs that he's attracted to him? It wasn't a matter of getting Haru to see how he's been acting. Haru fully acknowledges how he's been acting, but is still blind to the real source of his actions. Rin knew one thing for sure. Even if was only due to obliviousness, he couldn't just accept having a partner that didn't find him attractive. It wasn't a matter that he was so egotistic to expect Haru to be attracted to him, but at the same time who wouldn't feel deeply hurt if their mate didn't find them to be attractive? That's the one person you'd really want to be attracted to you, more than anybody else.
He deeply sighed before speaking again. "I know you're not lying to me Haru, it's just that…" Rin trailed off and scratched at his scalp. "I'm not sure how to explain this. Attraction is a feeling, and while I can't claim with absolute certainty that I know what you're feeling all the time, I can also say you don't act like someone who's unattracted to me. I mean, we've already done lots of things we wouldn't have done if we were still just friends so… If you did only see me as a friend, wouldn't all these things make you feel uncomfortable? Are you uncomfortable Haru?"
Haru turned to look at Rin again now that Rin seemed to have calmed down. "No, I'm more comfortable than I thought I would be, honestly. I'm worried because I'm just, comfortable. Like, I don't think that I view you as a romantic partner should. I don't get all exited or gushy thinking about you. I don't have a craving to look at you, or touch you. I just don't know how to change the way I view you."
Rin nodded, though his face looked deeply forlorn. "Well, I'm not doing this to punish you, so please don't get me wrong, but I am attracted to you Haru, and I want a partner who's attracted to me too. So starting tomorrow you won't have to touch me unless you find that you actually want to. Until then I won't touch you anymore."
"Rin… I don't know if I can change. Are you really sure of this?"
"I get that, but I'd rather find out one way or another, because we can't really move forward as a couple as long as you're unsure of this so, unless you have any better ideas on what to do? I do request one exception though. I'd prefer it if we can still sleep together. I just feel like if one of sleeps on the couch then it feels too much like we're fighting and trying to close each other out."
Haru hesitantly nodded. "I'm sorry it has to end up like this Rin."
Rin sat back on the couch and wrapped his arm back around his mate. "We'll work it through, I'm sure we will."
Though Rin's words of comfort felt slightly empty to both him and Haru, as Rin pulled Haru even closer against him. His grip tightening like he was afraid to let go. He was trying to get the most out of what could possibly be their final day being close like this.
HIII EVERYBODY!
WHOOO I've gotten so many reviews last chapter. Makes me wonder if I should update late all the time to give you more time to beg for the story to continue. Buahahaha.
I kid, of course, though I really do love all the words of commentary and encouragement, but I still wish I could keep up with my previous chapter a week pace. Unfortunately starting 6 days from now my work hours are extending, and while two hours doesn't seem to make much of a difference, when you have to wake up at 8:30 in the morning... well, getting home from work at 10 pm (vs 8 pm) makes a large difference when it comes to having a chance to spend any time writing. Sorry folks, but I do try to get a full nights sleep before work days (I know, crazy me. Who does that anymore?) But I really don't want to be dead on my feet the next day. Deadness = bad days!
My roundabout paragraph style to explain something simple aside, point is the only times I'll have to write in the future is on my off days, and the nights before my off days when I allow myself to stay up XD. This story will not be in hiatus! I still want to write it. But I have no idea how long it'll take. GOMENASI. FORGIVE ME FRIENDS!
So, now on the actual topic of the story. I said in my comments section of my last chapter, that this step would also come in two parts. Well my count was off, so instead I decided to call this the intro chapter. WELCOME FRIENDS TO ANOTHER LONG FILLER OF HARU OVER THINKING THINGS WHICH CAUSES PROBLEMS. I had originally planned to start the "attraction stage" with Haru asking Rin what he thinks attraction is, and then that whole slight confrontation ensues and that no touching deal is made (which leads into the other planned out events in my head). But then I thought "that seems like a really weird thing for Haru to ask out of the blue. Maybe I should give some insight into what he's thinking." WHICH LED TO WHATCHU SEE HERE xD. Point being I rambled too much, but there's still two more chapters on attraction following this one.
I feel like I've talked to much right now to also add review responses this time. So I'll just say thank you to everybody one more time ^.^ . I do really get a nice squee feeling whenever I see a review notice in my inbox. Also so far I've gotten two responses on the question I posed last chapter. One asking not to break the sequence of relationship stages, the other telling me to do what I want XD. Honestly I'd rather like to write the chapter I was considering omitting because each chapter is sort of a mini adventure I dreamed up and I like all my imaginary adventures! Ahaha. But I think I'll poll for opinions again later when I can reveal more about the chapter in question, and why it's impossible to fit in perfectly so on and so forth. I think it'd be easier to get a vote on it if it's less vague.
Okay, I think I'm gonna shut up now. If you managed to read to the end of my personal rambling then you can have a cookie :3 Talk to you all next time!