Chapter Ten

It only took a day to move into the Malfoys' apartments. Draco had told Astoria that it wouldn't be a problem, that his parents never came here anymore, and even if they did, they couldn't object. After all, it was his room, he could do with it as he liked. But she still felt awkward and out-of-place among the richness and lavishness of the hotel again.

Her family had used to be rich. They had once been one of the top Wizarding names in London, in all of Britain, in all of Europe, practically. But then Voldemort. It's like his name wasn't even him anymore, it was just an era. A time. A phase. Every Wizarding family had been changed after Voldemort. It was just a fact.

Hers? Well, her family had all survived, which was better than some, but their finances had suffered. Her mother had never been convicted as a Death-Eater, namely because the only people who knew were her family and Lord Voldemort himself. Though Astoria fancied the idea that the Malfoys knew. Otherwise why would they be so eager for a match between her and Draco?

Either way, they had not had a fortune in a long while. Their house was in shambled ruins, they had only one house elf, and her mother was in denial. Her mother kept her room and the front hallway and sitting room clean for visitors, and pretended that they were fine. Astoria was the one to do all the work.

Astoria cleaned where she could, cooked when she was hungry, and helped her father with his book-keeping, something that he hadn't done himself in years. It was hard work, but she had felt compelled. Now that she was free? Well, it was a completely strange feeling, and she wasn't sure yet if she liked it.

They were magically levitating all the apparated furniture around Draco's apartments. Daphne was very impressed.

" Merlin, Tor, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were a gold-digger! For star's sakes, look at the view he has!"

" Daph-!" Tor grunted, holding her wand tip up like it was heavy. " Could you please, please help me with this bed?!"

Daphne looked around, just in time to see Astoria's bed plummeting from the ceiling, and just barely managed to catch it with her own wand, before it fell through the floor into the downstairs room.

" Merlin! You're bad at levitation spells, I forgot!"

" I'm not bad at them-"

" You were absolutely horrid!"

Astoria sniffed, and blew her hair out of her face. " Should you be doing heavy lifting in your state?"

" Oh, please, that's just for muggles who can't use magic! Besides, I was always stronger than you!"

Astoria's eyes narrowed.

She had decided to leave Draco's bedroom untouched. For when he came back, she reasoned with herself, but she knew the real reason was that it was too intimate of a living quarter for her to touch.

There had been no other bedrooms, only a kitchen and eating space, and a bathroom, both luxurious and spotless. Astoria and Daphne had decided to camp out in the main room, setting up their beds against the wall, and their vanities and tables in a corner.

" There, that's better!" Astoria said, flopping onto her own bed. Daphne followed her. " Daph! You're making the bed into a sinkhole, you big whale!"

" It's not my fault I'm pregnant!"

" Oh, yeah, like you and Addison aren't probably doing it all over the house. I'm surprised it took you two years to get yourself knocked up! You disgust me."

" You can't get knocked up if you're married."

" Sure, whatever you say, Daph."

" It better be whatever I say! I'm sleeping in your boyfriend's living room for you!"

Astoria sniffed loudly. " It can hardly be called a living room. And he's not exactly my boyfriend. Just my Betrothed."

" Like you aren't madly in love with him!"

" I'm not!"

" Sure . . ."

Astoria kicked her sister. " What do you want me to say?"

Her sister kicked her back. " Maybe I just want you guys to admit your feelings for each other, so you can just go ahead and shag each other boneless!"

Astoria gagged. " You're so crude. You disgust me. Besides, nobody's shagging anybody."

Just then there was a crack as Draco apparated into the room. Astoria and Daphne yelped slightly and leaned backwards. " Idiot-" mumbled Daphne.

" Hello, lovely young ladies . . ." Draco said in a mockingly- debonair tone. " What were you talking about?"

Astoria's face turned red, but Daphne was cool as a cucumber. " Boys."

" Really . . ." Draco smirked. " Fascinating. By all means, don't stop because of me."

Daphne rolled her eyes, and turned back to Astoria, effectively blocking Draco from the conversation. " So, Astoria. Chance Selwyn."

Astoria blanched at the unexpectedness of Daphne's words. " Oh, Merlin's great beard, Daph, don't ever mention that name to me again!"

Draco walked over. " This sounds fascinating. Who is this Chance ponce?"

" Nobody." Astoria's face was buried in a pillow, and her words were rather muffled.

" Ex-boyfriend," Daphne supplied.

" I hate him already," Draco said cheerfully. " How jealous do I have to be?"

" Very."

" Daphne, shut up. Draco, don't be an idiot." Astoria's voice was still muffled.

" He was hot, and intelligent, and hilarious, and he adored the ground Astoria walked on," Daphne snipped back at Draco. " They were both head-over-heels in love."

Draco stiffened. " You don't say," He drawled.

" Daphne, don't say stuff like that. Oh, Draco, don't look at me like that-! It wasn't love anyway. Trust me."

" But it would've been-" Daphne continued. " They were planning on getting married and everything. He had a home, she had childrens' names picked out- She even still has a wedding dress that she bought on a whim."

Astoria was shooting Daphne glares that should've burnt right through her skin. " Daphne Greengrass, shut up!" She hissed.

Draco's face was cold and emotionless. " What happened then?" He asked dryly. " I hope I didn't get in the way of anything."

" Of course not! We were over before you- before we happened," Astoria said quickly. " We had a fight. I thought he was moving to quickly. My parents . . . my mum . . . didn't approve of him. She thought he was too coarse. I was scared. I thought he was cheating on me. A lot of stuff happened, we both said stuff we regretted, and boom. It was over. Maybe we would have gotten back together, but as soon as he left he got pissed and slept with another girl. So we were finished. End story."

Astoria wasn't looking at either of them now. Draco had a cold expression on his face. Daphne tried to reach for her hand, but she jerked away. " I hope you're happy, Daph-"

She disapparated.

She wasn't sure where she going, until she ended up back at Madame Malkin's. After all, nothing beats a bad break-up story then your best friend and a hot cuppa tea, right? Right.

But Olivia wasn't there. Lindy was. Astoria groaned when she saw the older woman's back, and Lindy spun around startled.

" Land sake alive, girl, what are you doing here? I thought you had left us for good! Gone an' lived with your Death-eater boyfr-"

Astoria disapparated again, interrupting the older lady in the middle of her tirade. She just wasn't in the mood.

Her own thoughts guided her to the place that she always used to go to whenever she was stressed. Astoria found herself lying on the ground, in the field where her old grandfather had taught her and Daphne to play Quidditch. The grass was yellow and itchy, and was taller than her body, effectively shielding her from anything that could've been around.

She was invisible and completely alone, and instead of feeling vulnerable, she was so relieved. So very, very relieved. It wasn't like being in the middle of a forest by yourself, where the empty wind and the trees are promising invisible enemies. Here . . . it was like being inside your own head. Completely alone and ready for good, hard thinking.

Obviously she should not have overreacted that much when Daphne had brought up Chance. She should have been over him by this point. It had happened more than a year ago. But to talk about a sore subject in front of Draco? And he had looked so betrayed . . . she didn't even know him that well back then! If she had known him . . . Oh, who was she kidding? She probably would have hated him mindlessly. Just like Lindy. Just like all the rest who didn't know him and how he'd changed.

She closed her eyes, and felt the prickle of tears, trying to moisten her dry eyes. She let an emotionless tear slip down her hot face. She wasn't crying because she was sad. She wasn't crying because she was angry. She was just crying because she was so, so tired. The world . . . it was heavy. It weighed so much.

There were so many meaningful, meaningless things in the world. Things that shouldn't bother her, but did. Things that should carry no weight, but did. People's judgment. Draco's inner emotions. Her mother. Her father. Her own inability to ride a broom. Her dead grandfather who she had loved. Her future in-laws who didn't seem to accept her. Her bad Potions grade when she was at school. Leaving Lindy's flat. Her sister. Her sister being pregnant. Her sister being pregnant by a husband that she was completely happy with. Her own personal flaws. Cruelty. Slavery. World hunger. The impending apocalypse . . . .

Okay, she was grasping at straws here. She smirked wryly, her mood no better.

Her eyes were unbearably heavy. She hadn't slept well in days. Her nights were littered with nightmares of wolves, and her days were filled by the daymares of life, which were somehow infinitely worse, because they were mind-numbingly real. But out here . . . with the golden sun and the golden wheat and the golden heat all around her . . .

It was easy to forget the stupid, little things, and the beetle crawling on her arm, and the sticky stubs of wheat beneath her. So she went to sleep.

It was several hours before she was awakened by the crack of thunder. There was an oddly bright light in her eyes, and she groaned loudly, squinting up into the darkness beyond the blinding brightness coming from her wand.

" Astoria? Lumos!" She heard somebody call, and turned over, trying to get back to sleep. Her wand flickered brightly again. " Astoria!" Somebody was running near her, and she jumped as the first drop of cold rain hit her arm.

" G'away-" She mumbled, fighting viciously as somebody tried to drag her up. " I'm going to kill you, Daphne!"

It was raining harder now, and she was sure that her robes were going to get soaked, but she didn't care. She just wanted to go . . . back . . . to sleep.

" Daphne, I found her!" The person holding her said, and with a heave, Draco lifted her up in his arms. She curled against his chest.

No. This was definitely better. This person was warm, and solid, and was curling her against him protectively.

" Oh, thank Merlin. It was your idea, Draco, saying lumos and waiting for her wand to respond-"

" What the hell was she doing out here?" Draco demanded, and Astoria groaned a protest, slowly coming to her senses.

" Please . . . stop yelling . . ."

" I'm apparating us back-" Draco yelled over the oncoming storm.

There was a deafening whirl of air around them, and Astoria was frozen to the bone by the speed and by her wet robes.

She was being carried now, and dropped unceremoniously on a bed. " Wet-" She murmered, and her soaking robes were stripped off her. Thankfully the clothes beneath were dry and she felt somebody slip her muddy shoes off her cold feet.

" Better?"

She hummed faintly, and curled up against the cold sheets. " Sleep."

" Yup, sleep is good. Though I don't see why you should be sleepy. Apparently you had a pretty good nap out there." He sounded annoyed, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

" Hmm . . ."

She missed the rest of what he was saying as she slowly fell backwards into a deep chasm of warm, enveloping slumber.

She dreamt. No. Not again. She couldn't. She didn't have the strength to fight the wolves now, so could they just go away?! But it wasn't the wolves.

She was back at Hogwarts, but it was after the Battle this time. She was standing next to the War Monument they had erected for all the fallen heroes. Except there were no names. Only one. One name.

Astoria Greengrass.

But that doesn't make any sense, she tried to say, but couldn't. I'm not dead, she tried to scream. Not dead! The words echoed in her head. She screamed them aloud.

" Oh, Astoria." A female voice behind her. " Tori, Tori, Tori. Dead? Of course you are. Don't you remember?"

Daphne. She turned around. A crowd of people stood behind her, not moving, only smiling. Some maniacally, some sadly, all of their eyes wide open. Her eyes were closed. Her eyes were closed, so why could she see them? Her chest wasn't rising, and their's were. Rising and falling, rising and falling.

" Astoria, sweet-" Draco stepped forward, his thin lips twisted into a sneering grin, unnatural with his open grey eyes. " You died. You're buried underneath the ground. Thousands and thousands of miles under the ground."

No! She tried to scream. I'm not! I'm not! But suddenly she was, in a coffin, nailed closed. Her mouth was sewn shut, and she couldn't pry her lips apart, as she screamed deep in her throat, and hammered against the lid of the coffin. But it wouldn't budge. The coffin was getting smaller around her. Smaller and smaller and smaller, and she could hear Draco's voice getting louder and louder-

She screamed. Loud and piercing in the night, her mouth open, her eyes open, her chest heaving, as she sat bolt upright on the bed.

" Astoria! Astoria!" Draco was next to her, grabbing her shoulders, shaking her.

She was gasping now, gasping and dry-heaving, and clutching onto Draco so hard. So hard.

" Astoria, what in the world?!"

But she didn't answer, only pulled him closer to her. As close as he could humanly get to her. " Please don't leave. Please don't ever, ever leave me!" She sobbed pathetically into his shoulder.

" I won't! I won't, I swear, Astoria! Salazar, what's wrong with you?"

" I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I've been horrible, and I didn't want to marry you! Please don't bury me!" She was whimpering now, in a way that would horrify her if she had been in her right mind. Her face was buried in his shirt, and the smell of him comforted her.

" Bury you?" He started to say, completely confused, but cut himself off, pulling her closer. " Of course not. Of course I won't bury you. And you don't have to want to marry me. It's not one of the rules. Seriously, Astoria, sweet-"

She stiffened, and pulled away from him, her face so white in the darkness he thought for a second she was a ghost. " Don't call me that."

" What? Sweet?"

" Don't. Never again. Ever."

He frowned. " Seriously, Astoria, what did you dream?"

She moaned slightly, and lay back down, her muscles still tense. " It doesn't matter. Please. Just lie down."

He did, and she curled into him, pulling the covers up. " Is this your bed?"

" Yeah. We were sleeping in the other room, but I came in here when I heard you. Daphne's in her bed, but I don't think you woke her up."

" I'm sorry I woke you up."

" You didn't. I was already awake." He sounded irritated, and she wasn't sure why. Probably just lack of sleep. Which was her fault.

" Oh." Her own voice sounded odd. Subservient and humble.

She was warm. Warm to the very bone. To the very core of her, and she would be lying if she said she wasn't enjoying every second of it. Him. The safety. For some reason she knew she wouldn't dream when she was with him.

" I'm sorry you had to come look for me in the rain."

" Merlin, Astoria, stop apologizing, okay?" His voice sounded angry, and she curled tighter into him, bringing her knees up in a fetal position.

She didn't say sorry, but she lowered her head.

" And don't do that." He pulled away from her, and she looked up, a look of complete and utter hurt on her face. It nearly broke his heart. " No, seriously. Don't give me those eyes. I don't want you to feel like you have to apologize for everything! Come on, I'm a complete jerk sometimes. I don't apologize. You don't have to. That's just the way it is with us. We don't apologize. Not to each other."

She sighed.

" Look at me. In the eyes, Astoria Greengrass."

She complied, frowning at him, her lips thinning.

" You're not a kicked puppy, okay? You don't need to cower in the corner. You're strong. You're amazing. You're Astoria, and you don't need somebody to protect you, okay? You don't need your mother's approval, and you sure as heck don't need mine, so please don't act like I'm a tyrant, like she is. Nothing can make me feel worse. Please don't apologize to me, and please sometimes treat me like dirt, and please leave your clothes on the ground, and tell me when I'm being a jerk, because that's the real you. It isn't the you that's trying to appease other people."

She smiled, just a little, and he smiled, just a little, back.

" Nice speech, Malfoy. Now are you coming back to bed or not? I'm getting cold." Her voice was back to normal.

He didn't wince at the sound of his surname. Not this time. He just leaned closer to her, and kissed her soundly on the lips, before pulling away. She gave a sound of protest, and leaned in, but he held up his hand.

" Come on, Astoria. We're in bed together. If we get in a mad make-out session, there's no telling where this will go, so come on. Let's just sleep."

" Whatever-," She groaned, but he could hear the smile in her voice.

They lay there in silence for a long time. In the darkness, their breaths corresponding. Her's lengthened out, and deepened, and he thought she had gone to sleep.

" They're mostly about the Battle, you know." Her voice startled him out of a dozing reverie, and he started slightly.

" What?"

" My nightmares. They're always about the Battle."

He was stiffening beside her, his muscles clenching underneath her head and neck. " You were there?"

" Yeah, but I didn't fight. Just watched. I watched the others fight."

" I didn't."

" I know."

" I was a coward. I knew which was the right side then. I knew I should've fought with Potter. But . . . I was a coward. I didn't want to side with the losing side. I decided to wait it out."

Astoria didn't say anything, just thought about this. Draco's breaths were becoming more ragged next to her.

" You know, they almost sent me to Azkaban."

She still didn't say anything.

" I deserved it. They all said I did. Even Weasley said I did, but Potter saved me in the trial. Defended me. Defended my whole family. But I didn't deserve that."

She could feel him panicking next to her, and she reached up a hand, and gently smooth the hair away from his forehead. He jerked against the touch, but she didn't pull away.

" The Dementors . . . they would have had so much to feed on-!" His voice cracked, and her hand kept smoothing his hair. Pulling at the silky locks, smoothing them against his scalp, tangling them with her fingers.

" So many bad memories. Your nightmares are about the Battle. I have nightmares about that too, but most of mine are at the Manor. My own home. He stayed there, but you knew that. Against my parents' will, but not like they would say anything to . . . to him. And he punished them when they let Potter go. The Cruciatus. Our whole family. Me. My mum. My dad. Even the house elves."

His breathing wasn't calming down now, and her fingers drifted down the side of his face, feeling the smooth skin beneath her fingertips, his rough chin, the sharp edges of his jaw, his neck underneath her fingertips.

" In my dreams . . . He's torturing me. Sometimes my mum, but normally me. There's green light, and pain. So much pain. And I deserve it. I know I do. The whole world knows I do."

She spoked for the first time.

" I don't think you do. In fact, I know you don't."

He didn't say anything, as if he had been waiting for those words from her.

" You torture yourself, Draco Malfoy. You tell yourself you deserve these things, because that explains everything. It explains the Dark Lord, it explains your horrible, excuse for a father, it explains the hateful stares. But if you did deserve it. Truly deserved it. Then it doesn't explain one thing."

She felt him turn to look at her, as she played with the collar of his shirt. His face was inches from hers in the dark, and she thought she might have seen tears in his eyes, but she 't sure. He didn't seem like the type to cry. But at night, people don't always act like themselves.

" What?" He said, his voice ragged with emotion. " What doesn't it explain?"

" The fact that somebody so completely evil and one-dimensional as you seem to think you are, wouldn't have somebody like me that loves them."

There was a very long silence. Astoria held her breath, her fingers frozen on his chest, his chest frozen underneath her fingers.

" You . . . love me?"

" That's what I said, isn't it?" She gave an awkward laugh. " I mean, I don't really know you all that well, but I think I do. I think you're pretty amazing, and really great, and a gentleman some of the time-" She could hear the smirk in her own voice, "- and I think you've had a horrible life, but you've turned out pretty decent in spite of it. I think you're really hard on yourself, and I wish you wouldn't be, because there are plenty of people out there that will be hard on you for you, so you don't have to do it."

He was breathing again, thankfully. She didn't fancy trying to bury a corpse. " You love me."

" Yes. That's what I said. Keep up, Draco."

" You love me?"

" Sure. If you say so."

" Really, really love me?"

" I'm not even answering you any more. Merlin, Draco, you're like a little kid."

He sighed a little, and tucked her head under his, pulling her flat to his chest. " I'm glad you love me."

" Really? I couldn't tell."

" Because I love you too."

" Oh." She couldn't say anything else, except for that. She had known that he fancied her, sure, but love? Love was serious. If he loved her, half as much as she loved him at that precise moment-

" 'Oh?'" He prompted.

She still didn't say anything for a long time.

" Do you think we're moving too fast?"

" Fast?" Draco snorted. " We're engaged aren't we?"

" I'm being serious. We've only known each other for a few weeks. Granted we both knew each other at Hogwarts . . . but . . ."

" That doesn't count."

" Exactly."

Draco shifted, leaning against his pillows, staring at the ceiling. " What are you suggesting?"

" I don't know. I just . . . If your parents hadn't made you get married, you wouldn't have, right?"

" Astoria . . ."

" Right?"

" Right."

" So why are you . . . why are you falling in love with me? Why so fast? If you didn't want to get married, and if never really knew me, let alone liked me, then why are you falling in love with me so fast?"

He sighed. " If I'm being perfectly honest . . . I don't know. I really don't know. I just . . . I need somebody, okay? I need somebody to talk to about my nightmares, and about my father, and about how I'm worried about my mother sometimes, and about . . . everything. Okay? I can't keep it bottled up inside. I used to have friends."

" Friends you could talk to?"

" I thought so. I was a big talker back at Hogwarts-" She could hear the smile in his voice. " I used to tell Parkinson and Crabbe and Goyle the biggest stories you ever heard. All kinds of things that I did. I used to tell them about my father too. But back then I was proud of him."

" Did he not hit you?"

" Not much back then. Back then he was proud of me. Slytherin Seeker, top Potions student, Prefect- and then when I joined Voldemort? He was . . . he was proud. Not necessarily excited, but he was proud of me."

" And he's not now?"

" No. Not really. I helped Potter, needed his help to get out of Azkaban, there wasn't really anything for him to be proud of."

Astoria didn't say anything, just turned her face to the huge window on the wall. There were curtains on it, unlike the one in the living room. Big, sheer grey curtains pulled back so that she could see the dark city and the star-like lampposts.

" So you talked about your father to them?"

" Yeah. But then . . . you know. After the War . . . well, Crabbe died. Goyle left somewhere. I don't know where he is. His dad didn't get off, and so he's off in Germany I think. Trying to get away from the haters."

" That makes sense."

" And Parkinson . . ."

Astoria strained her ears in the dark, trying desperately to hear Draco's next words.

" We just grew apart. She was mad at me after the Battle, I was fed up with her, we argued, I left. I haven't really seen her since, though she's sent me a few owls."

" Oh. I'm sorry."

He rolled over, and put an arm around her loosely, his voice muffled by the pillows. " Don't be. I'm not."

" Really?"

" Really. Because if we had stayed in touch, I would probably be Betrothed to her right now, and not you."

" And that would be bad?"

" Dreadful."

" Good." Then she turned over too, and they both slept.

AN: The updates are going to be getting a bit slower because I'm catching up to the bits that I haven't written yet. So . . . was my prose too purple? My Astoria too annoying? My Draco too caring? My plot strange and unrealistic? Please let me know!