Disclaimer: i don't own sadly.
Author note : want to thank ace- bullets for editing this for me. I am going to say sorry for the lack of updates it might be a few weeks.
A few days later, Donna was feeling a little better but was still really tired and still not hungry.
After eating dinner one night Donna said to Hank, "We need to talk."
"Okay," he said, and went to go sit on the couch with her.
Donna started to explain everything she was feeling: the anger and the guilt. "I sat next to Jimmy and held his hand as he was pronounced dead," she admitted. "I tried to save him, but he still died. Steve worked on him but he just gave up. You have no idea how much I hate Steve."
She went on about how everything was her fault: from the loss of her teammates and the baby to not being able to help her teammates.
Hank just sat and listened and held her has she cried. "None of this is your fault, and we will get through this together," he said.
But Donna kept insisting it was her fault that they died and that she fell and killed the baby.
Hank said very gently, "It is not your fault at all. Falling was an accident. The bombing was not your fault, either. When you are ready, we can start trying to have a baby again."
Donna wanted to believe him but just couldn't do it. "I'm sorry about everything… But I think I might be depressed."
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Hank said again. "I told you: none of this is your fault and we will find a professional to talk to. We'll get through this."
Donna was grateful for Hank and her friends that had her back, but all she could do was sit and cry. Hank pulled her over to hold her where he could cry with her.
When Donna finally pulled away, she said: "We can call Dr. Amanda Luria. She's with the SRU. But I am not ready to try for another child... we can when the time is right."
Hank said, "We can do that. Tomorrow morning we can call Dr. Luria."
"Okay," Donna said.
"Sweetie, when are you going to visit them?" Hank asked, knowing Donna would understand he meant the graves of her deceased teammates.
In a panic, Donna said, "I can't go visit them. I'm not strong enough."
Hank said gently, "Yes, you can. And you will not be alone. I will go with you. Your team, Ed, and Wordy will go. Maybe even Greg."
Donna said sullenly, "I don't know when."
"Okay," Hank said, as he didn't want to push her. He could see how tired she was and asked: "Do you want to watch a movie?"
"Yes. Something funny or light-hearted," she replied. Hank picked out the comedy Police Academy.
Donna lay down on her good side with her head in Hank's lap. He was playing with her hair as she fell asleep.
Tom called just then to check on Donna, and Hank was happy to report that she was feeling better and that she was sleeping.
"Let her know I called," said Tom.
"I will," Hank said, and hung up after saying good-bye. It seemed to him that every day someone would call or come by to check on Donna, they continued to be grateful for the support.
The next morning, Donna was the first one up and was just lying there thinking and dreading the day. Hank woke up next and said, "'morning. Are you ready to get up?"
"'morning," Donna said, and gave Hank a kiss. "Yes, I'm ready to get up."
Hank got up to get ready first and went to the kitchen to make pancakes. Donna got dressed but was wondering why she should even bother. They sat down to eat but Donna only ate a half of a pancake. Hank tried to get her to eat more, but Donna got angry at him and was pouting.
Hank backed off. Very cautiously, he asked: "You ready to call Dr. Luria?"
Grumpily, Donna said: "Fine, I'll call." She was able to get an appointment that day, but she was scared to go. Nevertheless, she was on time for the meeting and was at Dr. Amanda Luria's office when she said should would be.
"Donna, come in," Dr. Luria said to her. "Hank, do you want to come with Donna or stay out here?"
Hank looked at Donna, saying it was her call. Donna nodded yes for him to come because she knew she wasn't strong enough to do it by herself, thinking she was weak and petrified. How could she lead her team if she was weak?
As soon as they went in, Donna was gripping Hank's hand tightly out of fear. Dr. Luria tried to calm her nerves and relax her. "How are you doing today?" she asked gently.
Miserably, and with a quiver in her voice, Donna answered: "Not good."
It broke Dr. Luria's heart to see her look so broken and vulnerable. "Can you tell me why?" she asked. "Take your time."
Donna said with tears in her eyes, "I honestly don't know where to start..." She was still holding Hank's hand like it was her lifeline.
Dr. Luria said, "You can start wherever you feel comfortable."
Donna sighed. She started to explain everything: The loss of her teammates and how she witnessed it; the miscarriage, and the new teammates. By the time she was done she was sobbing so hard she was gasping for air. Dr. Luria grabbed the trash can, knelt in front of Donna and coached her to breathe, knowing this was a panic attack.
Hank was rubbing her back gently. Donna all of sudden started to gag. She quickly grabbed the trash bin and put it front of her so she could get sick. After Donna was done bringing up, she apologized.
Very gently, Dr. Luria said, "You don't need to apologize. You had a panic attack. Have you ever had one before today?"
Donna said no very quietly, but she was so ashamed for it because she lost control. She wouldn't look at them.
"Good. Hopefully it will be your last," Dr. Luria said. "Do you want some water? I am guessing you feel weak and tired right now, which is normal."
Donna nodded yes for the drink, and put her head on Hank's shoulder; Dr. Luria handed them two bottles of water. Hank had to open Donna's for her because she was shaking so badly. He spoke up then and said: "Donna has lost fifteen pounds in six weeks and has no appetite at all. She's also having a hard time sleeping from the nightmares."
"The loss of weight and not eating is from grieving and the nightmares are from witnessing what happened," Dr. Luria said to Donna. "It will pass. For the nightmares, maybe try to put some soothing music on to sleep with for a while. No movies or TV shows with violence at all. Keep it light. For meals, eat what you can and what sounds good—but you have to eat. Take naps if you need to, and let people be there for you."
Donna still had her head on Hank's shoulder as she was listening to Dr. Luria.
Hank said, "Okay, we can do that."
"Donna, I need to ask you something, and need an honest answer, okay?" said Dr. Luria.
Donna nodded okay.
"Since the miscarriage, have you had a cycle?" she asked.
"Yes, now," Donna replied.
"Good," said Dr. Luria. "I want to see you twice a week. If you need to talk sooner, you can call me or come in."
Donna said quietly, "Thanks."
Hank stood and said, "Thanks, Dr. Luria."
Dr. Luria shook Hank's hand in parting, and she gave Donna a gentle hug before the couple left the office.
All the way home, Donna was very quiet. Hank let her be. As soon as they got to their apartment, Donna went to the bedroom to change and she lay down to sleep.
Later on, Hank went to check on her. He rubbed her back to wake her up for dinner. She slowly opened her eyes and got up to eat. After dinner, they watched TV for a while, remembering Dr. Luria's advice to keep things light and to avoid anything that could trigger Donna's nightmares.