A Gilmore Girls fanfic

Author: mz lynx

Disclaimer: Don't even own a set of dvd's...

AN: Edited and reposted.

At the Heart of Things

Chapter 7: Hush Little Baby, Don't Say a Word…

Where we left things:

"And then it was over. My precious baby girl… /…/ I've been paying for it ever since, but there's no way to atone for my sins. I don't deserve to be forgiven; I'm a horrible person…"

He looks at her, terrified, and sees the tears falling down her cheeks. Could she be saying…? Oh, please God, no. Say it isn't so!

"What happened to the baby, Lorelai? What happened to your daughter?"

And now, we continue:

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He doesn't know what to think, what to believe. He's afraid of what goes through his mind, afraid of what she might say, and for the first time in over twenty years of practicing as a psychiatrist he's afraid that he's in over his head.

I can't be hearing this, she can't be saying this. Is she trying to tell me she killed her own daughter? It's starting to sound like it. God, how do I deal if she did? Do I continue treat her? How do I do that then, knowing something like that? Do I refer her to someone else? Do I break confidentiality and report her? No, at least that's out of the question. Even if she did do it there's no way I can do that. She's right; she's been punished ever since. She may not think she deserves forgiveness, but I think I do…

"My baby doesn't exist. She never existed. My beautiful baby… Gone. Never there. And I miss her every day…"

Okay, now I'm confused. Did she just say her baby never existed? What is she talking about? I could have sworn she was telling the truth when she told me about the pregnancy. I still could. So what's true here? Did she not have a baby? Was it just some product of her imagination, a symptom of a breakdown? Or did the baby die? Is that why she says it never existed? Why, though? Should she just tell me straight out then? And if the baby died, how did it die? Could she really have killed it, her? I have to know. She's actually starting to scare me here…

"Lorelai! Talk to me. What happened? You daughter, Lorelai, tell me what happened to her." But please don't say what I'm beginning to fear you'll say. / "Emily took her." Oh thank God. At least then I don't have to worry about that part.

"Okay. Emily took her, but where? Where did your mother take your daughter?"

He saw some of the daze leaving Lorelais face, her eyes growing a little less vacant, looking like she was returning to herself again. And it was obviously dawning on her that she needed to clarify things.

"I managed to leave that part out, did I? Oh. I guess I probably left a lot of things out… It's not exactly something I enjoy talking about – or rather thinking about, since I've never talked about it with anyone before. Let's see now, uh, okay, first I broke up with Chris – not the other way around. My parents demanded it, it was part of our 'deal', and I had to do it in a letter. See, they didn't trust me to keep quiet if I was allowed to call him, or even worse to see him, and so a letter it was. One they read, of course, and that was sent after I'd already left. They didn't want Chris to try and sneak in to talk to me. Again, I wasn't trusted to keep to the deal and say nothing. My dad was real clear about that, no telling anyone, not under any circumstances. If he finds out about this he'll be furious, I'm sure. Chris was on the top of his list though, it was especially important that Chris never found out. After all, if Chris ever grew up he might want to have a say in the matter – if he knew he had a child. If he didn't know, well, one less problem to bother with."

She sounded bitter – and he didn't blame her.

"So silence was the first part of the deal, breaking up with Chris the second. The third part was that once the baby was born Emily and Richard would take her – or him, if that had been the case. Once the buzz had died down about me getting 'sick' and leaving for 'boarding school' my parents waited a little longer, and then quietly announced that they were expecting a second child. That was the bait see, to make me accept everything else. The baby was to be brought up as a Gilmore, as my little brother or sister, and that way I wouldn't loose her or him completely, just as I wouldn't loose my parents. Or so I thought then.

But, things didn't really turn out like that. In a way I might just as well have left when dad issued his ultimatum, because ever since that day my relationship with Richard and Emily has been lousy, to say the very least. Also, they did a pretty good job at keeping me away from my daughter. Like when she was born. Emily returned here with her, while I was left behind in Montreal. 'It would look suspicious' if I returned from my fake boarding school, see. And it started even before she was born, when they arranged for me to be registered as 'Emily Gilmore'. That way my mother's name would be on the birth certificate, and I would have one less thing connecting me to the baby. There were the nannies, a row of them – even if my mother didn't fire them as often as the maids – and always trying to find other people to baby-sit. I've always felt like I had to sneak around to spend time with her…

Do you know how many times I've taken a walk with my daughter? When she was little I mean, in her pram or stroller? Once. One time. And when Emily found out the nanny was fired and out the door in two hours. Just like that. Because I'd taken my 'baby sister' out for a walk around the neighborhood, for like half an hour. She was so afraid someone would see me and get the wrong idea – the 'wrong' idea of course being the right one, but hey, that's Emily for you. Her way or no way.

Back then I really thought I had no other option, not that I could live with that is, but I'm not so sure anymore. I've seen enough teenage parents by now to know that you're capable of a lot more than you'd think when it comes to your kid. And I've started to believe that I would have been able to, too, if I'd just had the guts. See, that's the irony of it all. I refused to marry Chris claiming he was too weak, and then I myself just folded. I was just as weak as I accused him of being. I should have left. Looking back I see that things probably weren't as desperate as I believed. I could have found some sort of job. If I'd gone to Chris he'd have found some way to help me. Hell, if I'd gone to his parents Francine and Straub probably would have given me enough money to live comfortably just to stay away and not tell Chris. And I believe that Trix would have helped me… She knew, see, well not then, but later, and she didn't like dad's solution."

"She knew?" Wow, that's a curve ball!

"Yep. I got a letter from her yesterday, one she wrote three years ago and left with her will. She figured it out, somehow, when she visited for my Yale graduation, even confronted dad about it, but didn't know what to do about it. She wanted to find a solution, but couldn't, and to talk to me, but never managed to figure out how. At least that's what the letter said, and I believe it."

"So how did that make you feel? Finding out that Trix knew?"

"At first I got really angry. Wanted to kick something – but I settled for smashing china. Then I acted like a five-year-old and was, you know, 'Well, if that's how it was, then I don't like you' and decided to sell the house, sell 'Thrilll', to just get rid off everything. Then I calmed down a little, read the letter a few more times and really thought about things. Afterwards I understood. I still wanted to sell the house though, but then for the reasons I gave you, not as some sort of revenge. I've forgiven her, but God! How I wish she'd been able to find a way to get out of all this. Or just to talk to me about it! Then I might not have been such a screw-up now."

"I hardly think you're a 'screw-up', Lorelai. Yes, you have some serious problems, but considering what you've been through that's not surprising. Honestly, you could have been a lot worse off. I know that might not be what you want to hear, but it is my opinion."

"Thanks." She gives him a weak smile, wipes some tears from her eyes, and looks at him with a little more composure.

"So. This is what you've been suffering from, is it? No more deep, dark secrets?" Please say "no", I don't think either of us can handle any thing else at the moment.

She shakes her head, and he continues: / "How do you want to do this, Lorelai? How do you want to continue?"

"I told you in the beginning – God, was that just less than a week ago? – I want my life back. That's still true. I want a real life, with something besides work in it. Friends I don't have to lie to, and always be on my guard with. A family… Not only a working relationship with my parents, and with my daughter, but also a family of my own, you know; a husband, a kid or two… As to how… Well, I'm beginning to suspect we both know how. I need to make right what I screwed up back then, straighten my mess up so to speak. And I think I know where to start. My parents… It scares me half to death, but I have to. Don't I?"

"I think so, yes. How do you think your parents will react if you bring this up with them? Have you spoken about it at all in these what, fourteen years? Do you think they realize what's behind your state of mind?"

"I don't know. They should know, shouldn't they? It ought to be self-explanatory. Then again, you never know with Richard and Emily. Their reaction? Oh, it'll be bad. Because, no, we haven't spoken about this since that day I agreed to their plan. Not even when she was born you know. Mom came, and she was there, and never said a word about any of this. Not one word. So they will probably be like 'Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, we made a deal. That still stands. And that's the end of it', and refuse to talk about it. That's partly what's kept me from trying to breach the subject before, that my unhealthy mental state might be because of this. But this time I can't back down like that, before I've even started trying, can I? I won't, I have to deal with this."

"See, I think I've finally figured something out. In order to get my life on track again I need my daughter. I need to have a working relationship with her, one where we can spend time together without Emily Gilmore going ballistic. And I think I need her to know the truth. Of course, I could always settle this in court, but that's the last resort. That way I'd just ruin all chances of also having a working relationship with my parents, and that would be less than good. I think… I think I'd just rather settle this peacefully, if that's even possible. I'm not sure it is, but I have to try."

"It sounds right to me. I think you're dead on when it comes to the need to have working relationships with your parents as well as with your daughter. About her, though, how do you think she will react?"

"Oh God. She's a smart kid, always ahead, always understanding things no kid her age should be able to grasp. But this? Oh, if it was in a book, then sure. But in her own life? I have absolutely no idea. We've always connected, always been able to talk, even back when she was just four, but still… It's one thing to have a good relationship with your big sister and a completely different one to find out she's in fact your mother and that she gave you up. What teenager would not freak out at hearing that?"

She catches the look in his eyes, and answers his next question before he can even ask it.

"No, I didn't give her up like that, but it's not like I can tell her that. 'Oh, by the way, I'm not your sister, I'm your mother. And Richard and Emily? They're your grandparents, who more or less blackmailed me into giving you up'… Yeah, that'll do wonders for trying to solve things peacefully, don't you think? No, if I tell her, then I need to do it in a way that will let her still love them. Just because my relationship with them sucks it doesn't naturally follow that hers need to as well. I need to fix things, not mend some and break others."

"Okay, sounds smart." If she's able to actually think like this, then why does she need me? Shouldn't she have been able to figure this out a long time ago? Or should I just chalk it up to my positive influence?

"You said something about a family of your own. Would you like Leigh to come stay with you?"

"I haven't even thought about that, but yeah, I think I do. At least part-time, you know, share her. If she's okay with it. But maybe if I can straighten everything out I'll finally be able to start a new family. See, every time I even thought about having children I just felt my heart breaking again, knowing that any joy from having children would drown in the sorrow of missing my firstborn. And a man, a boyfriend or husband? I knew at fifteen that I needed to love, trust and respect the guy. And if you can't be honest, then those three things are just a joke. To me at least. Plus, would it really be love, the feelings a man would have for me, when he never knew me truly and completely?"

Then she laughs, a bitter and ironic laugh that doesn't reflect in her eyes, and sends him a twisted smirk.

"You know, what you said about Chris? About his divorce, and whether he wanted to get back together? Well, you might be right about him. See, he started showing up more and more a few months back. At parties I might attend, talking me into having lunch with him when he was around to visit his parents. Then he showed up at Trix' funeral, telling me how I could always turn to him if I needed a friend. I know, might not sound like much, but I know Chris, and I've seen all these little things that just didn't compute, as it were. And when you said that… It was like a flash, this 'Oh my God, is Chris trying to get back together?'-thought, and it sounds so right in my head."

"Is that what you want, Lorelai? To get back together with Chris? You know, if you did, it just might improve your chances to get your daughter back." He throws the bait out, wanting to see her reaction. It's silence.

"Do I want to be with Chris again? Oh dear. You know, I…" She breaks off, thinks for a few more seconds, and then starts again.

"A part of me wants that. That's the part that still loves Chris, and probably always will. But see, that part of me isn't really who I am any more, it's who I was. The truth of it is that fifteen-year-old Lor loved sixteen-year-old Chris. However, 30-year-old Lorelai doesn't even know 31-year-old Christopher. And what little I do know isn't exactly enough to make me change my mind. I've heard some gossip over the last eight years, and as far as I can tell it's the same story as when we were teenagers: Chris getting bored, Chris not really working for things, Chris not taking responsibility…

Trix told me once that I needed to be careful when choosing a partner for life. Because, even though women need to be strong there's such a thing as a woman who's too strong – at least for her partner. A relationship, a marriage, can't survive if either partner is treated like a carpet – no matter who's doing the walking and who's doing the lying-down. And she was talking about Chris, I just know it. With him I'm afraid I'd always be too strong, always end up walking all over him – because he's never had the strength to stop me, nor the desire to. Make any sense?"

She glances over, sees his nod, and responds with one of her own. Then she stretches softly, lets out a small moan, and complains:

"God, my head's killing me. There wouldn't be any aspirin lying around by any chance?"

He nods again and reaches into a drawer. He then hands her two pills, a small bar of chocolate and a glass of water, and waits. When she's finished she sighs with content and looks at him expectantly.

"What now?"

"To be honest, Lorelai, you're not the only one with a headache. This has been quite the day, for both of us. I'd like to stop now, go home and sleep, and then try and start over tomorrow. If that's okay with you? You have made a lot of progress today, and I realize you might want to press on now, but I'm not sure either of us is really up for that."

"You're right. Yes, I'd like to keep going now, before I have the time to freak out, but I do have this lovely headache which I'm sure won't be helped by more introspection. Plus, I'm starting to have some trouble thinking straight. Not the best thing for a therapy session, yes? So yeah, I think we'd better wait until tomorrow. At five, as usual? See you tomorrow then, Dr Marshall. And… thank you. It was wrong of me to question your professionalism. You've been great. Sleep tight." And with a wink and a wave she's gone, leaving him to finally be able to break down a little himself.

Oh, dear. I must be getting old. I used to be able to handle anything. So why does she affect me so? And then it hits him: he's always had a soft spot for kids, not working much with them exactly for that reason. And in some ways Lorelai Gilmore still has a lot of teenager in her…

He reaches into his drawer, proscribing himself exactly the same as she received just minutes earlier, needing the pills for his head and the sugar for his depleted energy levels. At least now, he thinks tiredly as he walks towards his car, we've gotten past the worst. It has to start getting better now.

To Be Continued

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