A/N: You're going to want to kill me at the end of this chapter but the next chapter will be a direct follow on so I hope you'll cope. Hope you'll enjoy despite wishing me dead ;)

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2016 – February – Declan

He'd come back home from university for the holidays and that's when she'd finished with him. She evaded any concrete reasons although he sensed there was more to it that it simply being the distance. That had been a struggle, true, and he'd been tempted by other girls, but he'd been serious about Kelly. She'd been funny and sparky, never mincing her words and then sometime last year she'd fallen quiet. He wondered at first whether it was down to him, whether he'd rushed her too fast into something. He guessed he was a romantic guy, impulsive and passionate. Heart first. That clearly hadn't been passed on through his genes, neither his mum nor dad were like that.

She'd sat with him bundled up in a coat and scarf in a coffee shop, saying what a difficult decision it was. She pressed her hand to her forehead and said it quickly, so fast that he couldn't ask her to clarify and sometimes he thought he must have imagined it.

"I think your dad's hiding something from your family. I saw him when I was at work and it's none of my business but I just…he's not who you think he is."

Almost as soon as she'd said that she'd left and Declan had sat and stared into the remaining foam in his coffee cup processing the words she'd used. His mum had always said that Brendan had secrets and it was better off not knowing but hiding something from the family implied Eileen too.

Soon the quietness was catching and Declan spent the week at home noticing his father's absences, feeling the chill between his parents. Kelly was right. Something was going on that he didn't know about and as his relationship with his dad was nothing short of alienated, he would have to find out another way.

April – Brendan

They hadn't moved from the car park. Usually by now they'd be tearing open each other's clothes and tripping over themselves just to get onto the bed. It's been almost a year since they stopped meeting at the same Travelodge, almost a year since he threatened Declan's girlfriend to keep her mouth shut, two months since he paid her to dump Declan. She couldn't be close to him and know. He didn't like seeing her cry – she was a sweet young girl – but she knew about Steven and she couldn't be trusted around his son knowing that.

He hadn't told Steven the reason why they moved to a different budget hotel with its longer journey to get there and smaller beds. He'd almost lost it when on their first night they could only offer a twin room and wanted to use his fists to get what he wanted from the lisping man behind the counter. From then on a chill had set in between him and Steven. The wedding was looming. He knew that reason was enough to cause Steven to be cold to him, to screen his calls when he was otherwise busy. He'd hardened, grown up – it wasn't as easy to talk him round.

Things had been so different a year ago. He'd never have described himself as care free but with Steven he'd taken unbelievable risks just even to get a look of him. He'd go a week without hearing from him or seeing him and he'd drive himself crazy from it. His mood swings worsened when he hadn't seen him. He'd done it all: drinking early, closing the club early, he'd even gone round to Steven's flat (Steven blabbed once about the location of a spare key) to root through his fella's things, see if he couldn't find a reason for Ste to get rid of the feckless Adam. Sometimes it had paid off, like the night he hung around outside the hospital – freezing his balls off – and waited until Steven's shift was over. He'd been with a group of girls, other nurses.

"This is my cousin Brendan," he'd offered as a way of introduction, trying to duck away from the way Brendan had him pinned with his gaze. They didn't look like family, or sound like family. And they certainly didn't behave like family.

"Cousins, really?" Brendan teased once the girls had wandered off. They lived off this sort of interaction – the amuse bouche before the feast.

"What did you want me to say?" Ste batted back, crowding in close to him. Brendan knew he'd caught him in a good mood because he wasn't walking on, he looked warm and bit down on his bottom lip. "What are you here for anyway? You know I can't meet up tonight."

"Couldn't wait," Brendan said, drawing Ste away from the main entrance and sliding his hand under Ste's jacket.

"Someone might see here," Ste said, but far from the refusal, he touched Brendan's hand and darted his eyes across. "Come with me."

They'd ended up at a wind-whipped and derelict outer house of the hospital, a building sheltered from the main part of the hospital and locked up and unused past regular working hours Ste claimed. With the full force of his body, Brendan pushed Ste up against the wall, deepening a kiss in the shadows. His mouth felt smooth under Brendan's tongue, his senses spiked by Steven's smattering of jaw stubble from a long shift. Ste reception of him felt more longing and desperate than ever and he found his hands had snaked into the pockets of Brendan's jeans. Pressed so flush against the full heat of his body, Brendan felt Ste harden and his breaths came out in light-headed gasps as Brendan sought out the crook of Ste's neck with his tongue.

Brendan was forever grateful that Ste's cheap and thin clothing did so little at masking his body and Brendan could feel every twitch of muscle and surge of pleasure rippling through him with his hands on him. Ste pressed the side of his face against Brendan's and although he had no need in saying it, it was as if he couldn't help himself. "Suck me off," he said, resting his head back against the wall as soon as Brendan made his intentions clear.

He wouldn't have knelt on the damp gritty tarmac for just anyone, but as he rubbed his palms across Ste's clothed dick, he knew why he'd do it for him. Steven's hand reached out to comb Brendan's hair and his impish grin possessed Brendan's mood, making him want him even more.

"Did I mention you really do it for me in this uniform?" Brendan said, teasing as the soft waistbands tugged down easily in his hands. Brendan played with the thick dick in his hand, surprising him with a well timed squeeze.

"Shu'up," Ste said, a laugh and a groan merging. He pushed down on the crown of Brendan's head.

Brendan extended his tongue for one featherlike perusal of Ste's shaft, keeping his thumb circling the skin of his balls at the exact pressure he knew Steven was crazy for. He conquered the head of Ste's dick with arrogance – like he owned it – and held his lips there, mastering it with his tongue. Inch by inch Brendan took him into his mouth, responding to Ste's noises with a hollowing of his cheeks. He took Steven's hips into his control, letting him thrust with shallow and slow motions until they both reached a perfect harmony. Brendan tightened the pressure in his mouth to an unbearable knot, feeling Ste's fingers clamp around his hair and whine through his nose. Brendan submitted to his urges and let his middle finger skim Steven's rim, just as his tongue ushered the last vibrations through Ste's dick. Ste came, pushing a fist into his mouth and pulling at Brendan's hair, panting everything in a gibberish mess apart from Brendan's name.

Brendan pulled up Steven's clothes and together they buried their mouths in a hard kiss, Brendan still tasting every last bit of Ste.

"Your boy at home, he does that for you, does he? He make you feel like that?" Brendan said, their bodies pressing at the groin. A stab of jealousy and curiosity had got the better of him, but seeing Ste like this made him feel powerful.

In the dark Steven's eyes were as dark as his sin. "No. Just you," he said, pushing for another kiss.

Now the days where he felt he owned Ste were confined to memory; they sat in the car with too much space between them. He wore new clothes, smelt new, looked trim. Someone else had control of him now and Brendan loathed thinking about it.

"We gonna sit in the carpark all night or we going back to basics?" Brendan's hand flowed up Ste's thigh, squeezing him. They'd done everything that there was room for in this car and up against it when getting caught seemed worth risking.

Ste pressed his forehead against the window and he made no attempts to show he enjoyed Brendan's hands on him. Immediately Brendan felt affronted, jerking away and huffing to himself. "What, now you feel guilty?" He hadn't bothered so much when Brendan missed the birth of Brendan's child, his wedding anniversary, Adam's birthday. No, back then it was all fun and fucking and as many rounds as he could take without pain and as many mouthfuls of cum as he could swallow down.

"Don't," Ste said, rubbing his palm over his face. "Just don't. You think all this is easy for me?"

Brendan scoffed. "What he doesn't know don't hurt him."

"I'm getting married in two months!"

"And?"

"I can't do this to him, not when we're married."

"A piece of paper makes all the difference, does it?"

"It might not mean anything to you, but it does to me alright?"

"So that's why you're fucking a married fella is it? Cos you believe in the sanctity of marriage. Grow up."

"That's different. You're gay. You don't love her."

"And you love that prick, do you?"

"Of course. He's done so much for me. We've got a life together."

Brendan couldn't look at him, couldn't stand to see the expression Ste carried and nor did he want Ste to see how he looked. He was a weak, weak man. Maybe they both were. He didn't want to hear the answer to what he meant to Ste if it meant he was nothing at all. What was he really hoping for? That they'd pick up their things and run away together leaving the real world behind? Steven was a prolonged one night stand. That's all he was and could ever be.

"Look sooner or later someone's gonna find out and then what? Blow two marriages apart. It's too risky. I don't want anyone hurt. I mean, you've got kids."

Brendan shook his head, struck by a fist of dry laughter. He'd had enough of these tales of guilt from Steven when it suited. "Don't talk about them like you give a fuck. You're a good liar, boy I'll give you that. You tell me you love that fella, you tell me you don't wanna hurt people. My kids. And yet all the time you're on your back beggin' me for more. You sound real sorry when you're taking it."

It stung him just like Brendan needed it to and Ste unlocked his side of the car door. "I don't feel good about it, about any of it! You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your part time screw. I don't want to be the guy you shag for an hour in a hotel. I need more than that, Brendan. It's not enough."

Only when Brendan looked up to see him leave the car, did he see Steven's eyes had begun filling with tears. His body thumped with the manic anger that had escalated quickly. He wanted to pulverize Adam so there couldn't be a wedding. Or he wanted to drive them further and further apart. Steven had already booked himself a taxi home and was disappearing out of Brendan's sight that he realised he didn't just want a hold of him or to stop the wedding, he wanted Steven to be his. For good.

May – Declan

It didn't seem to matter how long he visited home for, Declan never seemed to see much of his father. In a way it suited him because as the years had gone on they had less and less to say to one another but it didn't stop the feeling that something wasn't right at home. Paddy didn't seem to have much say in the matter – shrugging that Brendan wasn't home much – and he didn't like to trouble his mum with Kelly's theory as Eileen was busy with Aoife.

He came home on a weekday during a reading week at university and with the house empty he started thinking more and more about what Kelly had said. He was sure Brendan kept most of his papers at work but he couldn't think how Kelly could have known anything. Had she seen something at the club, drugs or anything else dodgy? Had he been at her hotel arranging something with shady associates?

Declan searched his parents' bedroom, the drawers and the cupboard. He laughed to himself as he rooted around receipts, realising that if his dad really did have something to hide he wouldn't keep it in the house where anyone could find it. Just as he was closing the bottom drawer of the bedside cabinet he noticed a glasses case. Brendan didn't wear glasses. Inside the case sat an old mobile phone. It wasn't one Declan recognised and it wouldn't switch on. There didn't seem to be a charger anywhere. As he began looking for one, he could hear the front door slam and he burned hot all over trying to replace the phone.

As the drawer clicked shut he felt someone else in the room and his throat swallowed up his tongue.

"Looking for something?" Brendan asked, a serious expression on his face. "How's it goin' Deccy?"

"Alright Da, I was just…looking for some sellotape." Declan knew his face had flushed a vivid pink. He knew that whatever was on that phone soon wouldn't be, as soon as he left the room Brendan would be deleting the evidence. That's if there was any – Kelly had driven him to paranoia.

June – Ste

He'd made himself sick with nerves. Adam had left earlier, kissing him long and hard on the mouth before breaking away with giggling laughter.

"We're actually doing this tomorrow – you're not going to leave me standing there at the altar like a lemon, are you?"

Ste pressed his lips together pretending to think about it. "Err what do you think?"

Adam slung his small overnight bag over his shoulder but paused at the door way. "I don't want to leave you," he said.

"Oh, give over it's only one night!" Ste said, honking with laughter.

"The next time I see you…" Adam said, calling out from the doorstep.

"Yeah yeah…" Ste smiled, holding that grin in until he'd shut the door behind him. Then it all crumbled, his nerve, his resolve, his sanity. He paced the flat which didn't help at all. Everything he looked at was something Adam had bought, it was like a claw of reminders around his throat. The flat had never felt like theirs, only Adam's. And tomorrow Ste would be another of his belongings. Adam wasn't swanky or posh by any means but he had a respectable job, earned decent money. His life was simple, neat, uncomplicated. To most people Ste had lucked out finding Adam. He was everything a Mr Right should be. Saying yes to the proposal was the right thing to do of course, as was letting himself be whisked up into the frenzy of a wedding. People were supposed to settle down and choose the person who was good for them, who offered support and stability. He'd never had that from his home life and he'd be an idiot to screw that all up now.

They weren't supposed to follow the primal thump of their heart and bodies. They were supposed to forget excitement and danger and adventure and immorality of youth. He had to grow up. Even bloody Brendan had said as much. Brendan who he'd leave Adam for in a heartbeat for the promise of something more than an affair.

He crawled into the bath and soaked until his skin wrinkled and grew pink. When he returned to the bedroom he saw his suit hung on the wardrobe, pristine and smart. Tomorrow it would fit perfectly with all eyes on him and everyone else's joy would fill in the emptiness he carried. He sat on the bed, remembering how he'd left things with Brendan and not feeling any closer to closure. They'd exchanged a few texts recently but they hung in this stalemate. The texts from Brendan had come through his phone late at night, they were probably drink fuelled. He'd be different when he was sober.

Brendan: You think ur just a fuck then you got no idea

Ste: wot then? Jst tell me

Brendan: I want you

Ste: im sorry about how we left things but mayb it's 4 the best

Brendan: I know you want me too.

Ste: i can't

Brendan: forget him

Ste: and what?

Brendan: I'm still at the club, come and find me

Ste: no.

Brendan: You want to, I know you do.

Ste: we can't. 2 much at risk…im doin this for u too…x

As he came to reading the end of the text conversation, Ste heard a noise in the flat. He placed the phone down and called out. He hugged the towel tighter round his waist and flicked on the light in the corridor. He shouted out again, feeling a slight shift in the air as if the door had been opened. Ste called out, threatening to call the police and then, from the shadows of the hallway a figure appeared, skulking down the corridor towards him. Ste's heart hammered, faster and faster still when he recognised the man stepping in front of him.

"Steven…" Brendan said, a velvet slur to his tone.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he said, the adrenaline rising the hairs on his neck. His heart beat so solidly he thought it might deafen the moment but he blocked out the sway Brendan had on him, his fear coming out in a burst of anger. Brendan showed Ste the spare key he'd used to let himself in and placed it on the side. Ste's mouth fell open and he remembered giving the game away in a casual conversation and revealing where they kept the spare.

"Making the most of your last night as a free man."

Brendan pushed him up against the wall, hand shielding the back of his neck from the jolt and crashed his mouth against Ste's. Ste's hand, flat against Brendan's chest morphed from pushing him away to curling into the fabric as he melted into the kiss, succumbing to the throb and flow of his mouth. Brendan's tongue was a sliver of smooth heat against his, lapping against his moral struggle and coaxing him into submission. Ste felt drunk on nerves and a flood of adrenaline; screwing up was in his nature. All Brendan had done was give him that excuse, men like Ste weren't meant to have a life like this. Brendan's lips scissored Ste's into opening further and Ste felt warmth spread between his legs with Brendan pushing his weight against the towel. No man had ever made him feel like he could come from a kiss and a bit of friction alone but Brendan did. Just the illicit thrill of seeing him was enough for that.

He didn't dare question the motives or his conscience as he dumped the towel in the hallway and stood completely bare for Brendan's approval. He missed him. Brendan kissed him harder, rubbing his thumb across the tip of Ste's cock. His hands mapped Ste's naked body, eyes glossing over with hunger. Under his warmth, Ste turned and let Brendan press up behind him, searching out every inch of his skin with his fingers. His lips parted, moaning with no control, and held Brendan's hands still on his body. He didn't allow himself to think outside of this moment. This was just one last purge he needed out of his system, then he could fix it, be a good man.

He sucked Brendan's fingertips, kissing them lightly and then felt the brief wet smack as Brendan spanked his backside and made his skin prickle with electricity. He led the way into the bedroom, bracing himself on all fours on a bed that smelt of Adam and his impending marriage. The sound of Brendan's zip crackled into the room.