A/N: I was going to hold off on posting this until I completely re-wrote the parts I'm still not happy with, but you know what? I can't write smut, and I'm okay with that :) Enjoy your not-very-smutty-smut, lovely readers, and thanks for sticking with me this far.
Chapter 10: Release
Kaidan
The shadow hanging over the ship only lifted when the shore party returned from Feros, heads held high and flush with success. My side was still stitched up after the last mission – the one on that planet no one could bring themselves to name – and she'd taken Garrus and Tali with her to investigate the colony. Along with Liara and Wrex, I'd been monitoring their chatter and studying the area as revealed by the Normandy's scanners to try to give them some advantage.
Things had been tense for a while when communications were cut off, and I'd found myself deflating with relief when she finally started responding after the Geth and their scrambler were chased from ExoGeni HQ. That was when she'd given the order for Wrex to stand down from where he stood by the airlock, gun trained on the colonists clawing madly at the door as I tried to talk him down.
When the full scale of the problem at Freedom's Progress had become clear, it seemed insurmountable. And then she'd saved all of them. Every single one of the colonists that still looked human were kept alive. When one raised his gun to his head, sickened at what was happening to him, she'd forced it from his hand and knocked him out with the butt of her pistol. It wasn't pretty, but when the Thorian was destroyed and they began to wake up, the thanks she received had made it clear she'd done something incredible.
After the last mission, it was a morale boost we desperately needed. Finally, it was all going to plan.
I'd heard before Eden Prime that Shepard was an 'at any cost' kind of operative, and in some cases that was true, but I wished the people who'd told me that could have seen what she just did. It would have been so much easier just to shoot all the colonists down. I knew I had little to do with the mission itself, but when she explained everything in more detail in the debriefing, I felt proud to even be on the ship
When Liara cupped Shepard's face in her hands and her eyes went black I found myself counting down the seconds until it was over and Liara could interpret the images in the Commander's head. When her eyes opened again with a sharp gasp I found myself relaxing muscles I hadn't even realised I'd tensed. We had a destination at last, but we'd still have to report back to the Citadel. It was a needless formality, I thought, but if we could get the full force of the Council's fleets on our side then we'd have a huge advantage, enough to make the trip worthwhile.
Liara was lying down somewhere, still reeling from the after effects of having to force her way into Shepard's mind – a task she said was far more difficult than usual owing to the Commander's abnormally strong mental walls, likely the only reason she survived the Prothean beacons with her sanity intact. I couldn't help but think that being implanted with the cypher and having Liara probe her mind must have taken a toll on Shepard too, and I was proven right when I returned to my post and saw her through the window of the medbay. She sat with her legs over the edge of one of the beds, a hand pressed to her forehead as Chakwas applied strips of medigel to the small scratches she'd picked up on Feros.
I watched as Chakwas handed her something and walked back into her office to the rear of the room. Shepard swallowed what I assumed was a pill and then slouched forward, the heels of her hands pressing against her eyes. She flattened her palms and raked her fingertips over her scalp, and then suddenly she turned her head and was looking right at me. I gave her a small, sympathetic smile which she returned, but it was strained. When she blinked slowly, turning back to look at the floor and her whole body heaved with a heavy sigh, I found myself walking towards the med bay before I'd had a chance to think it through.
She lifted her head as soon as the doors swished open, and at once I realised she must have a hell of a migraine. The subtle indicators – half-closed eyes, tense, agitated fingers, measuring each breath to distract from the pain – they were all things I was far too familiar with.
"Hey," she said in a laboured voice, managing to hitch the corners of her mouth up into something that wasn't a grimace. It was the first time we'd really seen each other since…since the last mission. I'd missed how her voice sounded when she wasn't just barking out commands.
"You okay?" I asked quietly, moving over to her and seeing her nod up and down slowly as she inhaled deeply.
"Just a headache," she said, almost in a whisper, "with the cypher and then Liara...it's a bit much, I guess. She's out cold next door, Chakwas is checking up on her."
I glanced down at the bottle of pills Chakwas had left on the side. I knew them well. I'd practically built up an immunity.
"The meds she gave you take about a half hour to do anything," I told myself that what I was about to say was just me being helpful, but I couldn't pretend that was the only reason, "If you like, I know a trick to ease the pain until then." Whatever had happened before could be dismissed as nothing more than friendliness. But as she looked up at me, her eyes glazed over with pain, I didn't care how this would look.
She gave a small nod and only looked a little confused as I brought up my hands to the side of her head, my thumbs on her temples and my little fingers at the top of her neck. I'd learned it from another L2 many years back, something about pressure and flow and the kind of crap they talk about in acupuncture. I didn't know if it would work on her – it only occasionally worked on me – but it was worth trying. Her short hair felt prickly but soft against my palms, and the skin on her forehead was hot and flushed. So close, I could smell her and it was distracting as hell. I dug the tips of my fingers in and began to knead at a few hidden pressure points on her scalp, and watched as her lips fell open and her eyes fluttered closed.
I marvelled at the trust she must have had in me to allow me to get so close. She hated appearing vulnerable, I knew, but here she was closing her eyes as my hands moved around her neck, her hairline, places I'd imagined touching before but in an altogether different setting. It was incredible to think how far we'd come since the first time we'd met.
She sighed expansively as I flexed my fingers harder, and I felt the tension in her body just melt away as I rubbed my thumbs over her temples, across her hairline, her scalp. I found the hollow at the base of her skull and kneaded it up and down, hearing a small gasp escape her throat that wasn't quite pleasure, more just the sudden absence of pain. I found myself holding back a smile. Her lips looked so full and soft, slightly parted, pouting as her face relaxed, even with the long scar slicing them through on one side. With my hands cupping her head, all I could think about was how easy it would be to just lean forward and kiss her. There was something electrifying about the idea – not just because of how breathtakingly lovely she looked when she relaxed, but because it was something so out of reach, the thrill of the desire for something you knew you'd never have. I couldn't do that, but at least I could at least make her feel better.
"How did you..." she started, her voice low and husky. The sound shot right through all rational parts of my brain and lodged itself firmly in a place I'd been trying to ignore for the past few minutes. I could taste spiced vanilla on the tip of my tongue as I drew an unsteady breath.
"You don't get as many migraines as I do without learning a few tricks to help," I replied gently, unable to stop the grin spreading across my face as her lips twitched upwards into a smile, her eyes still closed, "It'll come back, but by then the meds should have kicked in."
Suddenly she reached up and covered one of my hands with hers. Her eyes swept open and her amber irises were dotted with the blue lights of the medbay. My chest felt tight and heavy.
"You should stop," she said, and I felt a stab of uncertainty. Was I out of line? "I mean...it's nice," she continued, her brows softening, lips parted as though she was carefully considering every word, "but I don't want to get used to it, because you'll have to stop eventually. You're pretty good at that, Alenko. Too good."
I tensed my little fingers against the back of her neck, found a pressure point and drew circles, causing her to gasp again, a tiny sound in the back of her throat as her hand grasped lightly at mine. Even though I could see the pain was ebbing away, a migraine could leave you weak and pliable as a kitten. It was strange seeing her like this, and I was glad she didn't feel the need to put on a tough act while I was here.
"So you want me to stop because...it feels good and you don't want to be surprised when I eventually stop?" I ignored her instructions and stroked over her temples, feeling the tension and heat draining out of her head with every movement.
"Yeah," her eyes were alight as she looked up at me, and I thought then that she must be the most stunning creature I'd ever seen, and if this was as close as I could get then maybe, just maybe, it would be enough. Her hand was still covering mine, fingertips soft and warm. "But when you say it like that it sounds stupid. I think my head's still a little fogged up, and-"
"You know I've got nothing better to do, right?" I smirked, and she responded with a laugh, a quiet, amused exhalation that lit up her face, those perfect, high cheekbones and her straight, slanted brows, twin scars slicing through one like a pair of wings that trailed off towards her hairline.
Her eyes flicked down just for a moment, then back up at me and I felt my entire body tense up, warring with myself because all I wanted to do was slide my hands around the back of her head, lean in and cover her mouth with mine. Just being near her would never be enough.
"I-" she started, and at that moment the door to the back office swished open and Chakwas walked in, her eyes immediately catching my fingertips on Shepard's head, one of her hands covering mine. I broke away from her at once and Shepard looked back to see the doctor, her shoulders immediately tensing up.
"Don't mind me," Chakwas said as she moved swiftly to the door to the rest of the Normandy, "I'm not even here."
When I was fifteen, my mother walked in at the moment I first kissed a girl. This felt exactly the same. The door closed behind the doctor as she left the room, but whatever moment we'd had, it was over.
"I should...lie down," Shepard said quietly, glancing down at the bed she sat on, "give those meds some time to work. Can't be like this by the time we get to the Citadel."
"Of course, I'll be...well, you know," I said with a half-hearted smirk, "where I always am."
I went back to my post then, but I knew I wouldn't get any work done. Not while I could still see a few blonde hairs falling over her elbow out the corner of the window into the medbay as she slept with her arms clutching the pillow. It was too distracting. I could move, go to a different terminal, but...I didn't want to.
I felt like if I could just kiss her, give in just once, I'd be able to get it out of my system, this ridiculous infatuation I had with my Commander, a woman who carried a terrifying reputation and looked the part too. A mission like this wasn't the time, anyway. Or was it the perfect time? There were always the regs looming in the background, shadowing over our every interaction. They used to make things so clear-cut, give me an easy excuse to take one course of action over the other, but now, when I disagreed with them for the first time, all I wanted to do was forget they existed. Now, all I wanted was her.
oOoOoOo
Shepard
I didn't care who saw. Besides, there was no one around. No one to see me as I sat slumped against a wall, my head in my hands. My feet had taken me here as soon as I'd come back aboard the Normandy, still stinging like hell from the total dismissal by the Council, Udina, everyone with more power than me.
They said I was delusional. That I was more trouble than I was worth. I wasn't discreet enough for a mission to Ilos, and they had the whole thing under control. They stabbed me in the back. The world was crumbling around me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I'd wanted to look out onto the stars again, remind myself of the big picture, give myself time to think of a plan. And I'd arrived at that little window, the one by the drive core behind the life support systems, and I'd realised that I couldn't look at the stars. Because we were still at the Citadel. Because we were fucking grounded. And I'd sunk to the ground, knees drawn up, head bowed, arms shielding me from the world, and wondered what I could possibly do to fix things.
I was a fraud, I thought to myself. No one on this ship knew how much of a fraud I was. They all thought that Commander Shepard could do anything, but I'd invented her, I was the woman behind the name, and I was a fraud. Everyone had counted on me and in the end it had been for nothing because however much I played the part, however good I was, I wasn't good enough to save Ashley or get us to Ilos on time, or to convince the Council I was right. It was like everyone on the Citadel had been doped up – none of them wanted to see how goddamn serious this was. The crew of the Normandy had been all set to be at the head of the joint-species fleet that would take out Sovereign. And I'd had to come back and tell them that it wouldn't be happening, and all that we'd been through had been for nothing because the politicians said so.
It sucked. I wondered, briefly, what Ashley would have thought of all this. Would she have been as willing to die if she'd known it would ultimately be for nothing?
Once, I'd just followed orders, gone where I'd been told, got the job done and never cared much for how or why. It worked for a long time. But now I cared, not just because of the scope of the thing, but because of the crew and the ship I'd grown to think of as home. I couldn't sit back and do nothing, but that was exactly what I was doing.
I heard footsteps, light and familiar. I didn't look up. I didn't want to see him, even though I really did. It was his fault, I thought. He was the one with the warm eyes and supple hands that made it feel okay to care about this whole fucking thing, and now I had to sit and watch as it ended, shattered right in front of me like everything else.
"I'm so sorry, Shepard," he started, voice husky, tentative, "About the Council and Udina. Maybe they'll change their minds, or-"
"No," I replied, still staring hard at the floor, "they won't. I told you, remember? When this first started, I told you – they wouldn't want to believe in anything they can't deal with. It's happening now, to them I'm just a fucking nuisance."
"And you're going to take that?" He demanded, and I felt the air near me shift as he crouched down, almost level with me. I couldn't help it. I looked up at his face that was so full of faith and pride and hurt that we were doing nothing. He'd been just as angry as me, I could tell. I'd heard it in his voice when he'd stepped forward and told the Council this was the biggest mistake they'd ever make. When I first met him he'd never have done something like that. Was it my influence, I wondered, or just the way this mission had changed us all?
I told myself for the hundredth time that the mission had been the only thing on my mind when I turned back on Virmire.
"We're just supposed wait around and make sure we get a good view when the Reapers roll in?" he continued, "A week ago we were the pride of the damn fleet and now we're just supposed to accept that they don't need us any more? That's bullshit, and you know it."
"I'm not accepting it, I'm just..." I sighed sharply in frustration, "I just need time to figure things out. And I need all of you ready when I do."
"We're always ready, Shepard," he said gently, sincerely, "Me and everyone on this ship. But...we're in a rough spot. And I know you always have a plan B, but this is different. This is...hell, this isn't like anything else. But even though I can't see a way out, I know you'll find one."
"Yeah?" I shrugged, deciding that right now I didn't feel like lying about how hopeless it looked, "Well I can't see one either. And part of me thinks that if they don't even care enough to save their own asses, or to trust me enough to take one damn ship through the relay, then why should I care? Why should it be up to me?"
"I don't know," he replied simply, his voice reaching past every one of my defences and hitting me square in the chest as he spoke the exact words I needed to hear, "But...it is. And it's not fair, I get that – you're not invincible, you shouldn't have to pick up the pieces from other people's mistakes. I wish it were easier, I wish I could say something to help, or-"
"You could just skip the run up and tell me it'll all be fine," I said, part of me sickened at how broken my voice sounded but the rest of me not caring. Besides, it was Kaidan. He wouldn't think any less of me.
He chuckled then, a bittersweet sound. "Sure, I can do that. But it's easy for me to say – I believe it, I believe you can do anything," one of his hands moved to cover mine, and I pushed down a shiver at the sudden contact, not wanting him to see how much of an effect he had on me, "and I'll keep believing it, even if you don't believe it yourself," his thumb stroked over my knuckles in an unconscious gesture, "I..." he glanced down, a little self-conscious, but when he looked back up at me his eyes were so earnest, so caring that it made my insides knot together, "I care about you. And whatever you decide, whatever crazy plan you come up with, we're all behind you. Until the end."
I felt myself smile against my will. In protest I twisted my eyebrows into a stern expression, "If you tell anyone I needed a pep talk from you to make me feel better, I'll kill you, Alenko."
He laughed, making it obvious that I couldn't look stern now if I tried. I missed the warmth as his hand moved from mine.
"I made you smile," he said, standing up, "that's enough for me. I don't have to brag to feel good about it."
The smile drained from my face as I remembered why I was down here to begin with, and how the entire galaxy was at risk if I didn't get my shit together and figure it all out. "But what now?" I started, my voice uncertain, "We still don't have a plan."
He glanced to one side, down the corridor that led to the rest of the ship. When he looked back down at me and spoke, it was like there was only the two of us in the world. "Then...I guess what we do have is some downtime."
He offered his hand, eyes piercing and to me it was like he was offering a lifeline, reaching past every wall I had and telling me that I wasn't alone, I never had to be alone again, that we were all in the same boat, and I was no less strong because of it.
With a Reaper on the way, now didn't seem like the time to let personal hang-ups hold you back. I'd been carrying others all my life. It would be nice to be carried for a change, to lean on someone else. Kaidan was a good choice.
I slid my hand into his, taking my time and gripping his wrist. And then he pulled just as I pulled, and I wondered if it was a deliberate move from either of us so that we'd knock into each other, bodies closer than we'd ever been before. His other arm went to my waist to stabilise me, and when I looked up at him, nearly a head taller than I was, the embarrassed, self-deprecating smile I expected wasn't there. Instead his lips were parted and his eyes smouldered as he looked at me in a way no one had ever looked at me before, and this felt more intimate, more personal than any of the times I'd casually pulled on my clothes after bunking with whoever was on offer.
I realised I wasn't moving away, and a second passed before his hand on my waist curled up, fingers brushing over the thin fabric of my shirt, a tiny gesture that spoke volumes. I could feel the space between us almost as acutely as I could feel where we touched, the air full of electricity leaping across the ever-decreasing gap. I could feel the heat building, blooming in my belly as I tilted my head up, eyes flicking down to his lips, the very thought of giving into the mounting tension so heady that I wanted to prolong it, delay the satisfaction of taking what I'd wanted for weeks now...
He leaned down, I felt his hair tickle my forehead, his nose touched mine and for an instant I could smell him, crackling with sharp, sweet energy, eezo and something musky and masculine. I felt the ghost of his lips on mine before we even touched. My breath hitched.
"Commander-" I ripped myself away at once, Kaidan's arms tensing and dropping by his sides as soon as Joker's voice came over the intercom. I found my feet carrying me a few steps away, just so I wouldn't have to look at the man responsible for making my heart pound with a desperate, unfulfilled need, "-we just got a message from Captain Anderson, he wants to see you on the Citadel in that club, Flux."
"That's great, Joker," I heard myself say in the commanding voice I slipped into so easily to cover anything abnormal going on in my head, "Thanks, I'll be there in ten." It wasn't until I said those words that I realised what this could mean. Anderson could have a plan. We could be on our way again. We had a chance.
For a few fleeting seconds, none of those things had mattered.
I knew I had to turn around to look at him, I couldn't just walk off, but something fundamental had changed – it was unfamiliar territory, and I didn't know how I was supposed to respond. If he were anyone else, I'd have just told him to wait in my cabin and take what I wanted then, but Kaidan wasn't like anyone else. In this, at least, we were equals, and I didn't know what to do.
I looked back, and something twisted in my stomach as I saw him standing there, slim hips and wide shoulders filling out his Alliance casuals in a way I definitely liked, his hands tucked into his pockets. I'd expected him to look embarrassed, at the very least a little sheepish at the near-breach of strict regulations, but instead he was smirking knowingly, telling me with a look that he understood, that it was okay. 'Not now' wasn't 'never'.
I took a second for myself, so I could appreciate the picture in front of me – the man that had managed to work his way into my head and gain my trust and a healthy dose of desire without me ever being aware of it.
"I...I have to-"
"I know," he replied with a half-shrug, his eyes smiling, "I told you it would all be fine, didn't I?" His voice sounded so good. I wanted to march over, grab his neck and kiss him hard, just once, but I knew the moment had gone. As I walked back to the elevator I felt something fluttering in my stomach, a queasy feeling that was unfamiliar but not unpleasant, and I wondered if that was what butterflies felt like.
What the fuck, Shepard. Get it together.
oOoOoOo
Kaidan
The brief time when she was gone from the ship was hell. I didn't know where I'd got the confidence to say those things, or why I hadn't pulled away from her like I knew I was supposed to, but as soon as she was gone I felt the cold creep of uncertainty again. It was seeing her like that, I thought, tired and beaten-down and sick of it all that had made me not give a shit about the regs or who might be watching. Seeing her be slandered and not being able to do a thing about it...all I'd wanted to do was make her feel better, let her know that I cared. Maybe even kiss her. I'd almost done it.
For the time she was on the Citadel, all I could think about was how good she'd felt in my arms, that scent of hers filling every breath I took.
I'd been the one to answer the call to the Normandy's commlink, not even realising it was her on the other end. She'd hesitated, like she was surprised to hear my voice, and then she'd told me the news – that we had to be ready to leave in minutes because the lock was being lifted, and anyone that didn't want to get a court martial had better not be on the Normandy when she got back because we were stealing the ship. I'd grinned at that, excitement rising up in my throat. A month ago I'd never have thought my response to being told we were stealing an Alliance vessel to go on a suicide mission would be 'now that's more like it'. The mission had changed us all.
I'd done as she asked – told the crew that anyone who wasn't willing to come with us had better leave, and I'd watched as no one moved, just exchanged thrilled glances and said in response that there was no way in hell they were backing out now. It was good to remember that I wasn't the only one with this absolute, unerring faith in our Commander.
Shepard had come jogging through the airlock and straight into the cockpit where I waited with Joker. That smirk was on her face, the one that told you she knew exactly how everything was going to work out and all you had to do was sit back and let it happen. I'd missed it. When the Normandy was released and we'd sped away from the Citadel, her and Joker both looked like there was nowhere else they'd rather be.
She briefed us quickly, and with almost twelve hours until we'd arrive at Ilos, she'd left for her quarters.
And that was where I'd been for the past half hour, working my way up to knocking on the door and actually acting on the cramps I felt in my chest every time I thought about her. Before had been an accident – a happy accident, sure, but it wasn't something I could replicate. What could I even say to her? 'So I wanted to kiss you earlier but then you had to go and I know you're my Commander and all but I was thinking that maybe-'
The door slid open and there she was, leaning against the frame with one hand on her hip, a perfect compliment to the deep curve of her waist. She was looking straight at me, a knowing, amused sparkle to her eyes.
"You know there's a camera just above the door, right?" She glanced up to where there was indeed a lens blinking in the corner. She smirked and I felt my face fall.
"And how long have you...?"
"Long enough," she replied cryptically, her smile taking off the edge. And then, in a move that set my heart racing, she glanced around the rest of the mess hall, saw that no one else was there, and jerked her head inside as she turned back to her cabin.
I followed and the door shut behind me, sealing us off from the outside world. The thin straps of her top crossed over the tattoo curling between her shoulder blades, and I realised she wasn't wearing anything underneath. I swallowed hard as images filled my mind. I wasn't expecting that by coming here, I wasn't expecting much of anything – all I wanted was closure before the next day. I couldn't face the end without at least knowing one way or the other.
"Commander-"
"Don't call me that," she turned around to face me, "I doubt I'll be a Commander for long after they figure out what I've done."
"What we've done," I said at once, "We're all in this with you – we broke the oaths we made to defend the Alliance so we could defend everyone, and I'm not sorry about it."
She glanced down at the stack of datapads on her desk, "You might be, if it doesn't work out,"
"I don't think so," I said with a shrug, meaning every word, "If we're still alive the worst they can do is court martial us, and at least then I'll still get to stand next to you and say we did the right thing."
She chewed her lip, still staring down at the datapads with maps and briefings scrolling across the screens, "You think it's the right thing, huh? I'm not sure I'm such a good judge of what that is."
"You are. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't think so."
"Here on the Normandy?" she started to move towards me with slow steps, until she was so close I could have reached out and touched her. "Or here in my cabin?"
"Neither. But...that's not the only reason." I searched my head for the words to tell her how she made me feel every time she smiled. I found nothing my tied-up tongue would let me say. "I...I came here to say that if things go wrong, if we don't even make it to the court martial, well...I don't regret any of it. And...it's been an honour and a pleasure serving with you, Shepard."
"Really?" Her lips curved upwards, full and pink as her narrowed eyes danced with amusement. "That's it?" I felt myself smiling in response, a half-grin I couldn't stop from spreading over my face. "You're expecting me to believe the only reason you've been pacing outside my door for the last ten minutes is to tell me how much you like taking my orders?"
"I..." The words that presented themselves were of the same flavour as before – admit nothing, leave a way out. The time for that was over. "No, I don't. It's not the only reason. But I...with Ilos and Saren and the end of this whole thing just a few hours away, it feels like we-" I broke off the excuse I had lined up and took a breath. To hell with it, "...I care about you," I said at last in a low, serious voice, "And I think about what could happen tomorrow, how I might lose you, and I-" She stepped closer, so close I could smell her, and my mind went blank. "And I don't know what to say."
I watched her thick, dark lashes sweep across her cheeks as she glanced to the side, then back up at me, her eyes drawing me in. My hands itched to move around the wide curve of her hips, pull her closer.
"You could start by not calling me 'Shepard'," she said, her voice almost a purr as her lips curled up into a coy smile, the scar on one side giving it a dangerous twist. My heart thumped against my ribcage, a rich warmth spreading through my body. I wished I could bottle this feeling.
"Okay…" I started, her name on the tip of my tongue, a word I'd rolled around in my mouth before but never said out loud. It would mean thinking of her not as my Commander, or even as the legendary N7 Shepard, but as a human woman with eyes that could make me melt inside, a smile that made me feel like the only other person in the galaxy, a woman right in front of me, who— "Jena," I said, unable to stop the grin spreading over my face at how easy that tiny breach of protocol had been. I loved the way her name sounded out loud, like a shortcut through regulations, the chain of command, all of it, until we were just two people in a room together. Alone.
She grinned in return, her canines giving her a predatory look, making my heart race all the faster, "Now that wasn't so bad, right?"
I felt as though I were on the edge of a cliff, just a breath away from falling. It would be so easy, I thought, to close the gap between us, do what I'd wanted to do since the first time she smiled at me. But once I'd crossed that line, I couldn't just climb back up. I still hesitated.
"I could get used to it," I said finally, swallowing the lump in my throat.
I felt every hair on my body stand on edge, a shiver passing over me as her eyes flicked down to my mouth for a fraction of a second. I'd had enough of watching and waiting and hoping. Fuck the regs. Before I could think it through I leant down, closed the gap, and kissed her.
She responded immediately, her lips moving soft and slow as I ran my hands up her arms. My mind went blank, filled entirely with the white-hot touch and taste and smell of the woman I held. It felt like the only thing I'd ever wanted. With the faintest gasp she tilted her head up and opened her mouth against mine, suddenly insistent, aggressive. The hair at the base of her neck was like velvet when I slid up my hand and pulled her closer, tongues curling out to tangle with each other. Images flashed through my head of every fantasy I'd ever had about her coming true in this small room of hers. I could still barely believe she was kissing me back.
We pulled apart, but our noses still touched and I could feel her fast, deep breaths against my lips. When I opened my eyes I saw her staring up at me, and at that moment I was amazed something so beautiful could even exist, let alone be right there in front of me.
Suddenly a jolt of surprise and pleasure rippled through my body as I felt her fingertips brush down my abdomen. "So," she breathed, moving lower, her hand curling tight around my belt, "want to forget about the mission for a while?"
I didn't think, I didn't speak, I couldn't have backed away if I tried. In the next instant my hands dived around her waist and pulled her close as our lips crushed together again, breath coming hard and fast as we kissed, hungry and desperate and mad with desire. Her fingers wrestled with my belt and I felt it fall open as her other hand raked through my hair, nails digging in, sending waves of sharp, breathy pleasure jolting down to my core. Her mouth was hot and sweet as her tongue darted out to clash against mine, my senses full of her rich, heady scent. I found the hem of her top and glided my hands underneath to slide it up, savouring the feel of every inch of her skin.
A thick, primal haze descended, one where there was nothing in the world but the two of us and the feel of our bodies pressed together. It had never escalated this fast before. But I'd never wanted anyone like I wanted her.
She tugged my shirt over my head and at once I had her pushed against the wall, her breasts bare and soft and perfect against my skin. My hands roamed over her back, one moving down her spine, across to her thigh, and she gasped against my mouth as I lifted her from the ground and cradled her body against mine, my lips moving to her jaw, her neck as her legs tightened around me. Her breath hitched sharply as I shifted her higher and covered one pert, pink nipple with my mouth. The pressure in my shorts was suddenly stifling, urgent.
I felt the bed against the back of my legs and didn't stop to think how I'd made it there. I lowered us onto its edge, her hips grinding against mine as I kicked my pants off and filled my senses with her smell, her taste, the way she'd inhale between her sharp white teeth as they nipped against my lower lip.
She was so solid, but so light. I turned and rolled her body beneath me, one arm still tight around her arched back as I moved her up towards the pillows. I felt one of her hands urgently sliding her pants off of her hips as the other clung to the back of my head, nails digging in as she dragged her lips and teeth over my jugular.
In one deep breath of sweet air I was moving in her and a cry of pleasure erupted from her throat. Our mouths worked against each other in half-kisses, gasps and moans, trailing across lips and cheeks and necks. Her body curved towards me as I pulled her close, fingers splaying against the small of her back, wanting more of her with every breath. There was nothing in my world but the woman under me, the feel of her powerful soldier's muscles working beneath the softness of her skin, the high pitch of her sighs, the total, all-consuming feeling of having something in your arms that you've wanted for so long. I slid my hand up her thigh as her leg curled up and pressed at my back, as if there was any way we could be closer together.
I felt her body swell up, air rushing into her lungs as she rose to a peak and then the shuddering release, how she tensed around me again and again and melted as the waves ebbed away. The breathy moan she let out made it impossible to hold on any longer, and I followed her instantly with a blast of sharp, blinding pleasure.
And then I kissed her, long and slow and deliberate as the tension wound down and all that was left was a warm, soft haze that filled up every part of me.
I smiled as I caught my breath. Her face was flushed, and when she opened her eyes for a moment there was nothing standing between me and her, no barriers, no pretences, just the pure beauty of the afterglow and her nose nuzzling against mine.
I never wanted that moment to end, but I also wasn't stupid. I couldn't demand she care for me as much as I cared for her.
Sure enough, seconds later a playful slant returned to her brows and her expression became sultry, amused, more familiar. I returned it as I rolled off of her, as though I'd done it a million times before, and let myself enjoy the rush of blood back to my head. She closed her eyes again, her breathing still heavy, beads of sweat glistening on her forehead like pearls of dew. I wanted to reach over, brush the hair from her face and kiss her again, but I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if the moment was over and if, somehow, I'd be overstepping my bounds. I didn't know what she wanted from me, and I didn't know how I felt about the idea of just being…casual. I didn't know if I only felt okay about it because it was her bed I was in, and I'd take anything I could get to be closer.
I'd never done this kind of thing so lightly before. But with her in front of me it had been impossible to think straight, or care about what any of this might mean. So much for principles.
With those thoughts clouding my head I sat up and leant forward, running a hand through my hair. I wondered if I should leave before she asked me to.
"Do you have to go?" I heard her voice, smooth and brimming with satisfaction and just a hint of uncertainty. I turned my head to see her propped up on her elbows, her naked body flushed, every curve of muscle and breast glowing in the low blue lights. I never wanted to forget how she looked in that moment. I felt a smile tug at my mouth as I shook my head.
"No," I replied, suddenly bold enough to twist my body and lean over her to kiss the skin of her brow, one hand stroking the velvety stubble by her ear as I felt her relax back into the pillows, "Not unless you want me to."
She jerked her head up to kiss my lips in response, short and sweet.
"If you go, I might start thinking about the mission again," she said softly, her lips twisting into a lazy smirk beneath me, "and I'll need you to help me forget all about it."
Any uncertainty I'd had melted away. We might never come back from Ilos – now wasn't the time for holding back, for biting back words and gestures because you thought there'd be a chance for them later. Later might never come. We shifted until we were both comfortable on the narrow bed, and relaxed. With one eye on the clock counting down the hours to a mission that could kill us both, I watched her breathing slow and deepen until her hand, resting against the pillow, uncurled and she drifted into sleep. When my eyes finally slipped shut and I joined her, a smile was still spread across my face.
oOoOoOo
Shepard
I jolted awake during the night, as I'd thought. For once it wasn't because of a bad dream, visions of the Reapers poisoning my sleep, but the moment I realised it wasn't because of a bad dream, my mind turned to the mission and the Reapers and how impossible and crazy it all seemed.
But it was okay, because Kaidan had roused as I moved and without thinking I had started kissing him again and suddenly he'd kissed me back and rolled me on top of him, sitting up to draw my body closer as I reached a hand between my thighs to find him and all thoughts of Ilos were forgotten once more. It was slower the second time, slow and quiet and without the urgency, building steadily until I threw my head back as his mouth dragged across my neck and my body was flooded with warmth. His dark eyes had burned blue for just a moment, and I thought he must be the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.
No words were spoken, and afterwards I let myself fall asleep against him, the sparse hairs of his chest tickling my face in a way I'd found strangely comforting.
When I woke again, though, I knew the diversion from reality was over. The numbers on the clock told me there was less than an hour before we were due to land on Ilos. Kaidan was still sleeping soundly, his face perfectly relaxed. It was hard to leave him, especially when I noticed he'd brought the blanket up around my shoulders during the night and was cradling my waist with one thick arm. But I'd slipped out anyway, missing his warmth, and now I was fastening the large, ugly undergarment I wore to keep my breasts in check beneath my bodysuit.
My legs felt shaky and uncertain. Perhaps it had been a bad idea to end my dry spell with not one but two large, explosive orgasms just before I was supposed to charge into the breach and save the galaxy. Now all I wanted to do was curl up against his warm body and hibernate.
I didn't regret it, though. Kaidan's biotics certainly weren't his only natural talent. Besides, with the way we'd been circling each other it was inevitable we'd end up in bed together. I just didn't think I'd want him to stay there the whole night…
I heard him stir, hair rustling against the pillows and I turned my head to see his bleary eyes open, brows moving uncertainly as he saw I was out of bed.
"We're almost there," I said by way of explanation, suddenly feeling uneasy without the obvious context of sex to colour our interactions. Now I had to be his Commander again, and with a start I realised that, with Kaidan, it wasn't that simple. With other lovers I'd been able to keep a professional distance even as I picked my underwear up from the floor. I didn't know if I could manage the same thing with him. I didn't know what the night before had meant to either of us, and that scared me.
"How long?" He asked, his voice rough from sleep.
"Maybe a half hour before we need to be prepped to drop." As I spoke he slid across the bed and swung his legs over the side. The blanket was still draped over his lap, but the trail of muscles on his chest went all the way down...
"Are you okay?" he asked suddenly. I nodded, turning back to a folded pile of clothes and tugging out a loose pair of pants to wear until I had to suit up.
"Fine. I've...got a good feeling about it, actually," I slipped the pants over my hips, "I think-"
I felt a hand slide across my belly and I twisted around to see Kaidan, his arms moving around my waist and his eyes warm, like a mouthful of whiskey. I forgot what I was going to say. I had a hell of a poker face but even so I had to press my lips firmly together to stop a girlish smile from breaking through. That was unusual.
"I'm glad," he said, his voice low and husky, "and so do I." I realised when I ran my fingers down the muscles on his abdomen that he'd somehow pulled his shorts back on, and I toyed with the waistline to keep my disappointment in check.
"Are you sure that isn't just 'cause you got laid?" I quipped, and felt his answering chuckle pulse through my body. All I wanted to so was run my hands over his shoulders, around his neck, and pull him in for a kiss. The first time our lips touched it was like a wave crashing over my head, washing away every reservation I had, and I hated that it had taken me that long to just reach out and take what I wanted.
"I'm not gonna lie, it's been a while, but..." his forehead rested against mine, and it was all I could do to stare up at him, "I don't think it's just that." Something inside me twisted and I felt unsure, insecure. I could deal with sex – I was good at that – but I didn't know how to deal with the way he was looking at me now. It set off that feeling in my belly once more, the fluttering, slight queasiness, the urge to bat my eyelashes and look away shyly. I felt heat rising to my cheeks. But that was impossible – I'd already slept with him. There was nothing more to it than that, surely?
Then why had I asked him to stay the night? Nervousness bubbled up in my throat. I never felt nervous.
"Jena," he went on, and I loved the way he said my name, "it's been...even longer since I met a woman who-"
"Commander," the intercom crackled again and Joker's voice broke me free of any illusions that we were on shore leave, not a warship, "we're a half hour from orbit. By the looks of it we should get to Ilos free and easy."
"A half hour," I repeated quietly, glancing away from Kaidan and that piercing gaze of his, "that's just enough time for you remember how to call me Commander instead." It was unnecessarily harsh, but I had a mission to think about and this was unfamiliar territory. To my surprise, with a parting squeeze of my hips, Kaidan stepped back, straightening his posture with a knowing smirk on his face.
"Aye-aye, Commander."
It was professional after that, or at least as professional as it can be when you're both half-naked and looking for clothes you threw across the room the night before. That was more familiar to me, at least. But then, when I pulled a top over my head and made to leave I stopped suddenly, and before I knew what I was doing I'd turned back to him, grasped his face in my hands and pulled it down for one last, longing kiss. Something to give me courage, perhaps. And then I told him if he mentioned the night to anyone, or gave any indication when we were on the ground that we were anything other than strictly Lieutenant and Commander, I'd kill him myself. I had bigger things to worry about than whether my most useful squadmate would suddenly decide my orders were too risky or some such bullshit. I told him that, as soon as we left the room, it had to be as if the night before had never happened.
He told me he understood – of course he understood – and that I didn't have to worry about what we'd done changing anything. I didn't know how that could make me feel so relieved and yet disappointed at the same time. That was all I wanted from him, right?
I couldn't let myself think about it. I had a rogue Spectre to catch, a Reaper to kill and a galaxy to save. Everything else would have to wait.
Chapter 11: Stay – As the dust settles after the attack on the Citadel, Kaidan pays Shepard a visit in the wards.