A\N: I know it's been a while, but this one refused to be finished. Just look at its length. I actually had to remove a few bits or I wouldn't be updating anytime soon. Sorry about disappearing after that cliffhanger, but hopefully this chapter makes it even? Enjoy your reading!
"Care to say why must we walk you to the gate?" The annoyance in the King's voice makes him sound like a child and Baek Ah can't help but annoy him even more.
"Because you two are the only family I have?" He says with a smile as he continues to walk towards the gate, and his brother scoffs.
"That didn't stop you from leaving at the break of dawn last time."
The comment is not meant to harm him, and he knows it. But he can't help the small bit of guilt that starts to spread on him, and he tries to make things right quickly, "You can say I'm avoiding certain companies."
"You don't have to explain yourself," Soo cuts in, smiling brightly at him, "Pyeha is actually happy to be able to send you out."
He has no option but to smile as well as the moment for departure approaches. And when they finally arrive at the last gate, Baek Ah stops to look back at them.
He stays silent at first, unsure of what to say, when his brother speaks before he has a chance to decide.
"I still think you should stay," So complains bitterly, "Why are you even leaving again anyway?"
So's demeanor amuses Baek Ah, but this time he manages to not smile.
"I just need to double check a few things. And even when I come back I won't stay forever," he explains solemnly, and looks at Hae Soo expectant gaze, "I wouldn't even come back if it weren't for your illness."
Beside him, So sighs in feigned disappointment, "So it's only for Soo, then?"
"I won't be far, Pyeha," Baek Ah says to reassure his brother, even though he knows that he doesn't need to, "You can write me anytime."
"If you are only going because of me, please don't," Soo speaks before they can continue with their antics, "I still think you shouldn't be exhausting yourself like that."
Baek Ah can see the hidden question beneath her words. A question she can't ask out loud in front of the King, but it's clear in her eyes. A question that cost him a sleepless night.
Will you do it?
"I can't ignore my friends when they need me," he says in a solemn tone, "And you need me right now."
Yes, I will.
Her shoulders relax, and he wonders how she always managed to live with those heavy burdens upon them.
"Thank you, Wangjanim. For being a good friend," she says with a candid smile, and he knows she doesn't mean only this favor, "And forgive me for always depending on you."
"We have always depended on you, so it's only fair. Isn't it, Pyeha?"
His brother shrugs, still clearly upset, "Just be safe and come back quickly."
"I'll come back whenever I want to."
Instead of rebutting him, So turns his furrowed brown to Hae Soo, "See? He's like this now because of you."
Baek Ah is about to intervene, but before he can, another bickering starts between them, so he se contents in rolling his eyes.
"Why am I to blame?" Soo's voice shrieks with indignation.
"You were the one who kept talking about freedom with him. Now he's got your bad habit of talking back whenever he receives orders."
"What about you always asking him to call your Hyungnim?"
"That's different. He's my brother, of course he should call me like that."
He watches them arguing over small things like that, the smile on her lips and the glint in his eyes, and he's filled with relief and easiness.
"I'm glad you two are happy," he says quietly, not wanting to be dragged into the discussion once again. His brother, however hears his wistful musing, and turns to him with a full smile finally showing up on his face.
"Of course we are," So manages to say in both happy and authoritarian tones, "Now go and focus on coming back soon."
Baek Ah bows still smiling. But when his backs are turned and the gates start to get smaller with the distance, he feels the bitterness come back to his heart.
Hae Soo's letter is just a pile of ashes now, but he remembers the contents vividly, and once again he wishes their lives weren't a huge mess and in this reality people could actually be happy.
But those were their lives, and they couldn't change it. They could only make them bearable and hope the worst didn't come upon them.
I'll do it, Baek Ah vowed once again, this time for himself, I have to.
.
.
.
.
"Do you really think it's my fault?" Hae Soo's voice break the silence between them, and her words make So frown in confusion as he turns to look at her.
"What?"
"Earlier you said that it was my fault that the 13th Prince became like that," she explains still looking forward as they walk slowly, "Do you really think so?"
The realization dawns on him visibly, as he goes from confused to incredulous.
"You're still thinking about that?" Her silent and expectant gaze does not falter, so he sighs and says in a heartening voice, "I was just joking. You know that."
"I do, but let's stop to think about it for a moment," she smiles, but it's clear she's taking the whole matter to a more serious level, so he smirks to try to ease her anxieties a little bit.
"What?" he asks as he turns slightly to her, "Are you worried about your power to change people?"
"I'm being serious, Pyeha!"
"It's not your fault." He lets the smile disappear from his lips to ensure her that he's being serious as well, "Actually, if you stop to think about it, it kind of is, but that's a good thing."
"He's a wanderer now, how can that be a good thing?"
"Not that part," he cuts any other arguments she may have by squeezing tightly her hand, "He was always afraid before. He couldn't voice his opinions and he never dared to step over the line," his description of the old Baek Ah seems to catch her attention, so he proceeds his narrative, "But then some drunk crazy girl kept talking to him about how some people shouldn't be above others, and that he should just focus on living the way he wanted. Because of that, now he's quite fearless. To the point of supporting my rebellion and my claim to the throne. He was even willing to throw everything away and marry a Hubaekje princess. If it weren't for you, none of that would have happened."
Her shoulders fall when he mentions Woo Hee, and he regrets it immediately, but before he can say anything else she starts to speak again, "But he wouldn't be suffering."
"You don't know that. No one knows," he nudges her arm with his elbow in a gesture of reprimand, "But I'm sure he'd thank you for doing what you did."
"Still… I feel bad."
"Don't. How he is it's not on you, that's just consequence of people's greed. It's who he is that you should feel proud of."
She looks at him suspiciously, as if looking for a sign that he is teasing or just trying to avoid the topic with his speech and attempts to light her mood, but she seems to notice that he's being completely serious and adamant, so she looks back to the path ahead and sighs.
"How can you be so sure about that?"
"Because I'm the same," he says wholeheartedly, unafraid of looking too vulnerable or too eager in front of her. But then she giggles and his enthusiasm starts to fade into annoyance, "What is it?" he grumbles, unsure of what came upon her to provoke that behavior, but when her eyes turn back to his, he doesn't care anymore.
All he cares about is the glint of true love and happiness that he can see in her eyes.
"That's actually my line," she says, and a heartbeat later he realizes she's answering his question, and then he can't help the grin that takes over his face
"Hae Soo, are you saying that I made you who you are today?"
He pushes her closer by her shoulders and feels his heart flutter when she embraces his waist and leans her head on the side his chest.
"I'm an unmarried woman with a married man, and I decided to stay in the palace, even though I could leave now… Don't you think I would be in a different state and different place, otherwise?"
And you'd be married to Wook, he thinks but doesn't say out loud. It still bothers him, but he never says anything of the sort out loud, unwilling to bring him to the conversation and darken his mood when he's focusing on being happy with Soo while he can.
So he puts on a contemplating expression and muses out loud, trying to take his own mind out of his eighth brother.
"l don't know, you were quite reckless before…" He laughs when she rolls her eyes and pinches his arm slightly, but he continues to talk, "And what do you mean by leaving the palace?"
This time her smile is a challenge, as she raises her eyebrows when she turns to him, "Are you saying I can't?"
"That's right. You can't. I won't let you go."
"No? But what if I have to?"
"Why would you have to leave me?"
"I don't know," she hums and looks up in an attempt to come up with a reason, "Let's say, what if there is a plot to assassinate me?"
He shrugs, "I'll kill them so you'll be safe."
"Wah!" She backs away from his hold slightly, just enough to look at him properly and speak in a mocking shock, "A death threat in the middle of a peaceful stroll through the palace garden. Aren't you sweet?"
"You know me." He smiles and she laughs out loud, so he counts it as a success.
They manage to walk for a few seconds in silence, but then Hae Soo's curiosity and uncertainty seems to strike again.
"But seriously," she blurts and he gives up on dropping the subject, "You really wouldn't let me go?"
"Why? Is there a plot to assassinate you?"
"You don't know that, do you?" she comments, and then her inquiring tone turns into a condescending one, "Maybe you should be a little less possessive."
"I don't want to," He stops walking abruptly at her last remark, his expression now showing that he is most definitely not amused. She frowns, already knowing where he's headed to, but he starts to speak before she has a chance to, "I'll have to part ways with before I'd like to, why should it be any sooner? I can't let you go, not when you mean so much to me."
"Pyeha…" By her voice he knows how vulnerable he looks. He knows she wants to get closer and hold him, but, even though he wouldn't mind it, there are things he needs to tell her.
"I'm still trying to accept that, you know? I have to accept the fact that one day you'll be gone forever, and I'll have to keep on living as if this world still makes sense," He breathes in deeply, trying to focus on his words and not on what he's feeling and trying to conceal, "I'm trying to be strong so you can be strong as well, but if you keep saying things like that, it gets really hard for me."
She comes closer then, but instead of embracing him, she takes one of his hands between hers and caress it softly.
"If there was a plot to assassinate you," she speaks softly, looking down to their hands, "And I had to leave the palace, it wouldn't be easy for me either."
"Then why are we talking about this?"
"Because even though it would be hard, I would still leave." She looks up then, smiling, but with a sad glint on her eyes, and he remembers again the day she said she couldn't marry him.
"So you wouldn't even fight?"
"Unlike you, I cannot threaten to kill anyone," she sighs and then blinks hard to shake off the sadness and putting on a fierce expression that manages to make him smile again, "But just because I would be leaving it wouldn't mean I would be giving up on you, or changing my feelings, or even wanting you to move on, or…"
He interrupts her with his lips on her, and after a quick touch she's finally silent.
"I understand it already," he uses his hand, still on her hold, to drag her behind him as resumed their walk, "Now let's stop talking about such depressive topics, this is supposed to be a peaceful stroll through the palace gardens."
.
.
.
.
Later that night, after he's done with his reading and leaves the throne room, she follows after him into his bedroom to give him a new pillow and ends up compelling him to stop by the vanity and wash his face clean before going to sleep.
"But I want to make it clear that I'm only wiping it away because of you," he hisses, staring at her with an annoyed expression, battling with the cloth to remove the concealing cream completely.
"Who's the one here who actually studied cosmetics?" She retorts and he can't argue, so he goes back to his task of removing the make up, still under her vigilant gaze and lecturing, "Just let your skin breath. You are always wearing it. You don't even remove it properly when you reapply it."
"Then can't you make it less permanent?"
"Hey, it's not even hard to remove it," she reprimands him, "You just apply it too much and now you have too many layers."
"You should come here and teach me, then."
He looks at her expectantly as she seems to think about it, but then she just smiles and shakes her head, before saying in a charming voice, "No. I'm fine with just watching you struggle."
She giggles at his undignified face and then she stretches again all over his mattress, leaning her head on her arm to get a better vision of him.
"What are you even doing in my bed, anyway?" He asks as he resumes his cleaning and she rolls to her side so she's closer to the edge and to him.
"Resting my knees. It was really cold today."
"We shouldn't have walked outside this afternoon."
"But it's a tradition!" She whines and he sighs at her logic, as if she'd rather endure pain the entire night or just stop taking walks around the gardens in a cold weather.
"It's not a tradition if we only started it a few weeks ago," he says, not wanting to show he's too worried, but failing anyway, "Has the doctor said anything about your knees?"
Hae Soo shrugs, "They're just like they were before."
So puts the cloth away and looks back at her eased expression, as if there's nothing wrong with the way her knees were before.
"You should be careful," he says softly and she smiles.
"I am. You should take care of yourself too."
"Don't worry about other at times like this."
"Well, you should have someone worrying about you", she reasons and he can't argue, "Might as well be me."
He sighs in defeat, then, already knowing how this will end, but too tired to drag the conversation even more. So he just stands up and walks closer to his bed.
"It's not like I can order you to do anything you don't want to."
"That's right."
"And since both of us are tired and in desperate need to rest, I won't even ask you to stay," he sits beside her and looks down at her, "Just promise you'll come to see me in the morning, so I can have a good sleep."
"I was actually planning on staying tonight," she says as she sits up and starts to leave, "But since you're really too tired to keep me company..."
"No." He holds her down and pulls her to him, offering his arm as a support for her head. She giggles when he almost jumps to stop her from going away, and he can't help but chuckle as well, "So this is the new Hae Soo. Not even fighting to leave and making me spend minutes trying to convince you to stay."
He lets himself drop on the mattress, taking her down with him, and she laughs.
"I'm needy today," Soo explains as she snuggles up closer to his chest, "Last night you weren't busy, but you still didn't go to see me."
"You spent too much energy yesterday, I wanted you to rest."
"I wanted to talk to you a little bit before going to sleep yesterday."
"Sorry," he whispers in her hair and kisses her temple, "I'm here now, though. What did you want to talk about?"
At first, she doesn't say anything. But then Soo pulls away a little from his hold, just enough to lean on her elbow and hover above him, looking completely serious as her words come out of her mouth.
"You should lay with the Queen."
.
.
.
.
Go Hajin hated cheaters.
Of course, maybe that was because she had been cheated on, but even before she had met her trash ex, she was sure cheaters were no good. And that trait seemed to pass on to Hae Soo.
That's why, after she arrived in Goryeo, one of the biggest cultural shocks was the polygamy, and how everyone expected the men of higher status to have more than one wife. How it was odd to see them taking only one woman to be their partner until the end.
People there didn't seem to, but for Hae Soo, that was a little bit like cheating.
She wanted her man to be hers, and hers alone. And even if it were a political or strategic marriage, she believed she couldn't take it if she had to send her loved one to someone else.
But that was before, when Go Ha Jin and Hae Soo were young and full of hope. Now all of that is gone and she only has fear for the small amount of happiness she still possesses in a distorted world.
Now she doesn't mind a few wounds, as long as her loved ones are protected.
"You should lay with the Queen," she braces herself and whispers her request, a small part of her going numb as she looks down at him, waiting for his response.
So doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He just keeps looking at her, analyzing her with his dark eyes, and she feels small and anxious under his gaze. But this is something she has to do, so she doesn't look away.
He frowns a bit, then he speaks in a dumbfounded tone, "You were right, you're a completely different person now."
She doesn't roll her eyes, nor does any other sign of reproval at his bad attempt of making a joke.
"I'm serious," she says firmly and his frown deepens.
"I have a limited number of nights with you, and you want me to spend one of them with her?" He sits up, leaning on his elbows so they are on the same eye level, as he mutters through clenched teeth, "Are you insane?"
"Just once, to ease her mind." She didn't know when Gwangjong's firstborn had come into the world, but that's not what worries her. What worries her is how the rumors start to spread in the palace and how the Queen glanced at her the last time they met, "You've been married for months and she hasn't conceived."
"Well, it would be hard to, since the wedding wasn't even consummated in the first place."
It takes a while for her to process the information and fully understand what he means. But when she does, she has to process it all again and a screech leaves her mouth when she realizes what it implies.
"What?" She jumps and sits up, incredulity and confusion taking over her, "Then what did you do on your wedding night?"
He shrugs, unaffected by her dismay, "I walked around for a while."
"You walked around…" she repeats his words to herself numbly and then she shrieks again, "Then why did you let me think you were with her?"
"Why would I be with her? I despise her."
"What? But I… you…" She remembers being alone and gloomy on the day of his wedding, unable to sleep at night because her mind kept going to undesirable places. But she can't be relieved right now, even though a part of her was desperate to hear that, "Don't you realize how dangerous this is? She's clearly unhappy about it."
"Don't you realize that I don't care how she feels?"
"What about me? Don't you care how I feel?"
"I do," he straightens his position, and gets closer to her, aloofness being replaced by annoyance, "In fact, you were the main reason why I did what I did. Or didn't in this case."
"What if she takes it out on me? What about it, then?"
"Why would she? She already got what she wanted," he says matter of factly, "She is Queen, and she won't even have to fight for the position of Queen Mother, since I promised to make her son my heir. What could you possibly have that would make her harm you?"
There are many things, and Soo knows it. There are many problems that may happen. Some of them carry more weight than others, but all of them are on the same spectrum and have the same origin.
"Well, since I'm the reason you won't lay with her, then maybe she'll feel threatened and try to take me out of her way?"
He watches her silently, as if pondering on her question. Then he sighs and asks in a drained voice.
"Alright, I'll ask one more time: Is there a plot to assassinate you?"
Her eyes harden at his attempt to deflect the subject and her voice sharpens.
"Do you really want me to live like Oh Sanggung lived?"
"Do you really want me to go to another woman?"
No, of course I don't. She wants to cry out, but she holds it in. She ignores the way her heart squeezes and focus on her brave words.
"If it's to protect you, to protect us, it doesn't matter what I want. We do what we must." She says it out loud so she can start to believe as well, pressing forward when she notices he's about to interrupt her, "You have to appease her clan to remain king. You have to appease her to appease her clan."
His annoyance is gone, replaced by worry, as he looks away from her in contemplation.
"If you knew we would come to this," he muses out loud, "Would you have supported me to become king?"
"I would," she says softly, placing one hand over his, "I've known for a while you were destined to greatness."
He rolls his eyes, clearly, even though not fully, understanding what she means, "The vision."
"A beautiful vision." She smiles, trying to lighten up his mood.
"Didn't you say I looked mean and cold?"
"When don't you look mean and cold?"
"Not to you," he says pointedly, "Never to you."
"And that makes me feel really special." She moves her hand so their fingers are entrelaçados, "Your in-laws, however, may not feel the same way."
He takes a deep breath and Soo knows he's about to put a strong argument on the table, so she gets ready to whatever he might say to not lose her confidence.
"They wouldn't dare to do anything. Not after making me marry Yeon Hwa. I already gave them a peace offering. I accepted their deal and gave them a queen," his retort comes so fast and so strong that she finds herself gaping and struggling to form a sentence.
"But…"
"And Yeon Hwa won't let her clan dethrone me. She's greedier than you can imagine, and if she has to choose between being Queen or the sister of a King, she won't hesitate to march to Wook's house and get rid of him herself."
"Still…"
"I am also the only chance of her being Queen Mother. She knows I won't take any more wives, and she has already convinced you not to marry me."
"That's..."
"But if I go to her and she does conceive, she might decide to take me out of her way and make her son a King while still an infant. That way she could even be a Regent for a few years, and it will be all because you refused my beautiful proposal and made me marry her."
His annoyance is back. But so are his whiny voice and sad eyes. After he finishes speaking he lets himself fall back on the mattress in a sulking manner and she knows she has lost. She can't bring herself to contradict him when he's like that, she has no heart to continue pressing on the matter when it hurts him so much.
So she just lets a small smile come to her lips, approaching him slowly and asking carefully.
"You're still bitter about that?"
"Yes," he grunts and covers his eyes with the back of his hand dramatically, "I can't even look at you right now."
She chuckles quietly and leans her chin on his chest, trying to persuade him to look at her.
"Well, you do have around ten years to get over it."
His hand comes off his face and his eyes stare at hers, clearly annoyed and irritated by her comment.
"You joke with all the serious things, and yet you make us argue about things that aren't even a problem."
He's mad, but she can't help being relieved by the end of their argument. Part of her is glad that he adamantly refused her request, but the other part is still worried about the consequences. And even though his arguments are solid and give her some reassurance, this scared part continues to make plans and calculations.
The happy part, however, melts on the inside, feeling pleased. And in the end, Hae Soo decides to count even this small loss as a victory.
"It's because I care too much. Even the smallest things worry me," She lies down beside him, burying her face near the crook of her neck, "Sorry for pushing you to her once again, please don't hate me and fall in love with anyone else."
"You should only worry about what's important, silly," he reprimands her, but wraps an arm around her waist to bring her closer, "And how could I possibly fall for someone else if my heart is already yours?"
His words surprise her and she looks up at him smiling, "You're smooth today."
"Just because you're here." He tries not to, but she knows he wants to smile as well, "Now sleep or next time I'll be the one insisting that you leave."
Soo pulls a hand over his chest and leans in so she can listen to his heartbeat, and bask in his warmth. She hums and closes her eyes, focusing on his body so close to her, hoping she can ignore the worried plans on the back of her mind and finally fall asleep.
.
.
.
.
A week later he finds out.
And it's not because she finally gathered up the courage to tell him or that she decided to follow Baek Ah's advice and be completely honest and open despite the consequences.
She had been at ease that day, supervising and orienting the work of the court ladies. She even had the disposition to walk to her prayer stones and start to build a new tower.
When an eunuch came to tell her that the king had called for her, she was excited to see him sooner than expected. She practically hopped all the way back to her room, smiling to herself as she walked down the hallways.
But then she opened the door of her room, and all of her ease and content dissolves into fear and insecurity.
She finds him sitting on the floor of her room, but before she can greet him, or even get closer, she sees her chest open and the envelopes spread around him.
His head hangs low as he reads the open letter in his hand. She can't even see his face, but the dejection is clear on the way his shoulders fall.
I should have burned them. I should have burned all of them.
She doesn't move, uncertain of what to do. She had pictured thousands of scenarios in which she told him, but this was not one of them, so she's at a loss.
After a while she attempts to take one step forward and coax him to talk to her, "Pyeha."
"I didn't mean to violate your privacy." His voice is ice cold and it stings, making her stop right where she is, as he continues to speak without looking at her, "I was going to wait for you. But I saw your chest open, and the envelope was for Jung. Many envelopes were for Jung. I got curious. What did you need to tell him that you wrote so many letters? And why weren't they sent?"
She can see where this is going to, but she doesn't want another fight to break between them, "I can explain."
He looks at her then, and her words get lost somewhere in her throat. But it's not because of the coldness in his eyes. It's because of the tears of hurt and betrayal.
"I think I understand it already." He smiles bitterly, folding back the letter and tossing it to the floor, "What I don't know is why would you'd tell me you'd stay while planning all this time to run away. And to him, of all people."
Her words disappear again. This time, however, she freezes out of incredulity and confusion, bulging her eyes, and speaking in a higher tone.
"What? No, that's not it. Which letter did you read?" She marches up to sit at his side, taking the paper in her hands and scanning over it, finally realizing what he meant and what he understood, "Of course, from all the letters, this is the one you opened first…"
Now it's his turn to be confused, as her words finally make sense to him. But then he also looks a little bit mad, "Now you're trying to say it's a misunderstanding..."
"Because it is," she says calmly and slowly so he can also see the absurdity of his implication, "I'm not leaving you for Jung, that doesn't even make sense."
"Oh, then what's the meaning of the letter?" He asks dubiously, and leaves her without words once again.
This time is for a different reason, though. This time she just doesn't want to see his expression when she starts to talk about her illness. So she just looks down and tries to find the best words.
"It's a farewell. All of them," she says without looking at him, just focusing on the words before her, "At least most of them."
"Farewell?" So's anger is mostly gone now, but the confusion is still evident in his voice.
"Not all of them are to the 14th Prince. These are for you, and these are for Baek Ah-nim," she explains, pointing at the piles of envelopes carefully organized in the chest, "I have some for people who are not here anymore, and others that I wrote just because it became a habit. They are things I wish to say to everyone, and things I want to say to myself.
At first, it was just a way to practice how to tell you about my illness," she continues after a deep breath, "Then it became everything I wanted to tell, but never got to. Or everything I wanted to keep telling even if I couldn't anymore," She manages to look at him then, smiling even though her eyes are starting to get teary, "When I'm gone, I won't be able to tell you anything, but I still wanted you to be able to know all of it."
It's his turn to look away, as he looks down at her hands, probably trying to hide his tears as well.
"And this one?" he asks, pointing to the one on her hand.
"That one was when I thought you were done with me after I begged for the 8th Prince's life."
"But why Jung?"
She cannot possibly tell him that the 14th Prince had a way to take her out of the palace, so she just shrugs and tries to play indifference, "He has a house big enough to accommodate a guest."
Soo hoped her comment would ease him a little bit, but the King nows looks annoyed.
"You were going to live with him because you thought I'd tell you to leave?"
"Not really live with him," she changes her voice tone once again, wondering how did he come up with such absurd ideas, "Maybe just spend a few nights until I found a place of my own."
"Is your faith in my that small?" He looks into her eyes in disbelief and incredulity.
"You were acting weird," she points out, "And we had a really nasty fight. And I was feeling particularly down that day. It's your fault that I had to resort to such means."
She says it teasingly, but his eyes fall down and she knows he's taken it seriously to heart.
"I see that now," So mutters in a broken voice and she's about to comfort him, but then he smiles and she knows he's teasing her as well, "Should I compensate you for that?"
"Should you be ditching work?" She retorts and he smiles.
"You know what I always say."
Soo rolls her eyes and he crawls closer to her, "Yeah right, you're king."
He hums and kisses her softly and deeply, so she forgets everything about his work and her annoyance at his excuses.
Then he pulls away to kiss her forehead, and whispers softly, close to her skin.
"Forgive me for being so negligent to the point of making you think about going to another man for help."
"The letter's still here, right? That means you're forgiven."
"If I'm forgiven you should burn it."
She puts on a contemplative expression and pouts, "It would be a pity since I wrote it so well."
Soo laughs at his frown and proceeds to kiss him again.
He remains quiet and satisfied for a while, but grunts in annoyance when she pulls away once again, and she smiles so not to irritate him.
"Pyeha," she begins to ask using her sweetest voice, "If I had left before telling you about my condition…" So sighs and grunts and she knows the topic displeases him.
"Let's not talk about leaving again, please."
"But if I had left after all that happened with the 8th Prince. If you were really mad at me, and I were dying…"
"Why do you keep bringing up weird scenarios?" So pulls away so he can look properly at her as he speaks in an exasperated voice, "You could even stop loving me and marry someone else, if you were suffering I would go to your side in a heartbeat."
He's angry again, but Hae Soo can only smile. "Really?"
"You still have doubts about that?"
Her smile turns to a mischievous one as she pulls him closer, "I just like to hear you say it."
So tries to maintain a serious face, but her laugh is contagious and soon he's laughing as well.
"Look at her," he accuses, "Show-off and greedy."
"It's not my fault it makes me happy." So doesn't argue with her this time, for her relief, and just complies to give her another short kiss, for her despair.
Soo almost whines when he pulls away once again, but sighs at his worried semblance.
"So there's no major secret you're hiding from me?" His tone is careful, as if he's afraid of what she may answer, as if this short moment of peace they have is frail and short-lived.
Baek Ah's words come to her mind once again. The fright of thinking he had found out about that from an accidentally discovered letter is still very fresh on her mind. The logical part of her brain requests incessantly to tell him, and tell him now.
"Actually, there is something I have to tell you."
She can feel him tensing almost immediately, bracing himself for the worst, "What is it?"
"Relax," she smiles to reassure him, but he doesn't move, "It is important, but not grave."
The king seems to get even more nervous when she turns away from him and to the chest of letters, but Soo doesn't stop moving.
She digs deep down into the chest, raising the piles of colored envelopes until she can see the few white ones. She takes them out, caressing her hands over it, trying to decide which one to give to him. In the end she picks up the first one she wrote and hands over to him, trying not to give everything away from her expression, and to put him at ease at the same time.
He's hesitant at first, but after an encouraging nod from her, So finally manages to open the envelope and unfold the letter.
Soo watches him in silence. She watches apprehensively the way his expression changes as he processes the information on the letter, his tension fading away as his face merges into a blank expression. She curls around herself a little bit as his eyes go back and forth through the page, reading its content over and over again. And when So blinks, looking away from the paper to her, she freezes, uncertain of what he's thinking.
"How long?" He asks neutrally, as if he's only asking how her day was.
"I don't know for sure…" She fidgets nervously, wishing he would just express himself, "Around two months?"
As soon as the words leave her mouth, Soo feels his arms wrap around her, hugging her tightly, bringing her to his chest, and she gasps at the sudden movement. But she doesn't mind it, as So's laugh start to echo around her small room.
"All this time and I never suspected."
She smiles at his wondering voice, relief coming over her as he kisses softly the top of her head over and over again.
"So, are you happy because I hid it from you?" She asks kidding, grinning so much that her cheeks start to hurt.
"No, but we'll talk about how you should tell me things sooner in another moment." He pulls away from the hug just so he can hold her face and look closely into her eyes. "Right now, I'm…" He hesitates, trying to find his words.
"Happy?"
"Euphoric," he says after a deep breath, his smile never fading for a second, "I would be screaming and running around if this wasn't the palace."
"I know what you mean."
And she does. She remembers when she realized she had conceived. The mess of feelings that came over her. There was fear, apprehension, insecurity, anxiousness, but most of all there was happiness. Or euphoria as So described. Like there were bubbles inside of her, coming up to her mouth and she had to let them out.
Even though that was just a couple of months ago, she still feels them. And when he kisses her, it's like that joy is amplified, because now that he knows what's happening inside her, she feels exhilarated.
I'm going to be a mom.
You're going to be a dad.
We're going to have a baby.
"You know what, forget the meeting, I'll send word that I'm sick or whatever."
"You can do that. You're king."
He laughs at her answer and she follows him. Too lost in the happiness to even nag him to not procrastinate work. She indulges on his presence and gets drunk on his joy, allowing her worries to disappear, at least for this moment.
This moment, she vows as she watches his eyes tear out of pure joy, she'll keep on her jar of memories and nurse it, so it does not fade away until she's gone.
.
.
.
.
You're still just a small piece of me, but I already love you more than my own life.
I have never seen you, but I already know you're the most beautiful and adorable person in the world.
I have never met you, but I already know you will be loved and kind.
So far, I've been trying my best for myself, but if it's for you, then I'm sure I would let go of all of me so you'll live.
I just want you to live. Even if this world is cruel and harsh, I want you to live. I want you to live and to be happy.
That happiness I wished for myself, but that slipped through my hands, I want it to be yours.
.
.
.
.
Hae Soo waits until his euphoria has died down. She waits until he's sober and his excitement has subsided, his joy finally settles and he's not eager to run around the palace screaming he's going to be a father. Soo waits because he has the right to be completely happy and free of worries like this, at least for a while. But she knows she'll have to tell him.
They are walking through the gardens once again, after Soo argued that the exercise would be good for her and the baby and he convinced her to wear at least a small coat, even though it wasn't even winter yet.
As usual, she waits until they are safely away from the buildings and out of anyone's ears and reach before openly talking about their unborn child. But unlike all of the other serious conversations they had in the past, she decides to go directly to the point.
"You know this is also bad news, right?" she says, as her hand touches her stomach discreetly, "Especially with your wife around."
He grunts, already knowing where this conversation is going to, "Is that why you kept pushing me to go to her the other day?"
"She has no child," she knows it's a dull argument, but she says it anyway.
"That's her problem." He shrugs and she can't say she's surprised.
"If you give the Queen what she wants, she'll leave us alone." Soo decides to say it directly and avoid his attempt to ignore the topic.
He stops walking then, and she turns around to look at him. For some reason his eyes don't look angry like when they last had this same conversation. He looks apprehensive and coy, as he sighs and wets his lips.
"She wants my heart."
The repulse hits her hard, like a hammer, and her bile seems to want to leave her body again, as she feels a sudden urge to throw up. And this time is not because of the pregnancy.
"What?" Her voice sounds cold, and she doesn't know how, since she's burning on the inside.
"She told me a while ago that she loved me, before I even considered becoming king," he explains calmly, as if he isn't narrating the most absurd and sickening of the events, "The opportunity to become Queen and receiving all the honors was a mere incentive to…"
"That... Incestuous wench!" She shrieks before she can control the loathe, not even letting him finish speaking. The thought of the vile queen in love with her king making her shake in anger, as she starts marching in indignation, muttering disconnected sentences, "Such an evil and nasty person! Trying to seduce you like that! I bet that's why she told me to leave you! All this time she wanted you to herself! How can someone be so repulsive and disgusting! I can't even bear to see her now!" The thought of So being embraced by her makes her want to shiver, and it fuels the anger that came up over her, "And I've been telling you to go to her?! What an outrage!"
"Then," So cuts in her angry venting, "Become my second queen and save me from her."
Then her anger is gone, replaced with the cold melancholy of before and she tries to regain focus, to say the important things before it all gets too complicated once again.
"I cannot," Soo fells tears start to pool in her eyes, "And what makes me angrier is knowing that one day you'll go to her."
"I won't." The King's voice is determined, and she knows he means well. But his royal status won't help him get away with that.
"My lifetime will be a lot shorter than hers," she feels her voice tremble when she speaks, but she can't hear herself, "You'll have to go to her eventually. And you'll father her children."
She hates it. She hated back then and she hates it now.
She hates this image carved in her brain of the king and the queen together. It has not been a reality yet, but that's only a matter of time.
Soo doesn't remember how many children Gwangjong and Daemok had, but surely there were more than one. He went to her many times, and she conceived and gave birth to his princes and princesses.
But now, more than anger, she feels a sudden urge to cry. And when she knows it the tears are streaming down from her eyes and his eyes get worried as he holds her by her shoulders carefully.
"Soo-yah…"
"I saw the doctor a few days ago." Once again she tells herself to go directly to the point. Avoid detours, be completely honest and open.
So's suddenly worried, before she even tells him anything, "Is there something wrong with the baby?"
"Not with the baby," Soo sighs, and instead of touching her belly, as she used to whenever they spoke about her pregnancy, she places her hand on her chest, just above her failing heart, "I won't be here to protect this child."
.
.
.
.
This world is cruel, Hae Soo has known for a while.
Over and over, it took something from her. It hurt someone she loved. It destroyed her.
And now is destroying him.
Soo would rather not hurt him like that again. Having to tell him about her illness and her terminal status was hard enough, she didn't want to go through it all again.
Ten years was severe enough already.
A few more months is plain torture.
She watches him carefully as she tells him what the doctor had told her before, but he doesn't look at her. He listens in silence, nodding in comprehension, until she's finished.
And when she is, he takes a deep breath to hold back his tears before he looks at her.
"How could I choose between my love and my child?" His voice breaks and she feels his despair.
"Then let me be the one who makes this decision." She doesn't need to think about it, as the doctor suggested. The choice was already made even before she knew she had one.
The choice was already made, so she didn't have to ask him anything. Between a shorter life for herself and a life for her child, there was not even a second of hesitation.
He knows that, but it still hurts. It is visible on the way he looks lost and vulnerable, "I think I'll be upset with whatever choice you make."
"Don't be like that, Pyeha…"
"Either way I'll be losing one of you," he snaps furiously, brushing her hand away, his temper flaring at the feeling of impotence, "I don't see myself being satisfied with any of these scenarios."
"Who said anything about losing one of us?" She snorts, crossing her arms, and speaks in a deliberated stubborn and inflexible tone, so she can break through his melancholy, "You don't know that! Maybe I am so stubborn that I'll just refuse to die."
"Will you really do it?" He looks at her with a mix of hope and suspicion, afraid to be disappointed and eager to be comforted at the same time.
"Yes. I am not dying in childbirth," she says it with conviction this time, so he knows she's confident, "I also want to meet this child."
"Promise me." Soo doesn't mind he's asking for something absurd, because this time she wishes for the absurd as well.
"I promise, Pyeha. I'm not going to leave you so easily. Not after everything we've been through."
"Good." He nods and comes closer, his eyes set on hers, "Now, if you break this promise. I'll be really mad."
So tries to put on his regal aura, his commanding voice and imposing posture. But it all crumbles and he's almost crying again, so she rushes to hold him, encircling her arms around his body, humming softly to calm him down.
"Don't be afraid."
"How, when this is so terrifying?"
"Just focus on me." She squeezes him a little bit to reassure him, "Right now I'm here. And you are here too. Also, think about the Queen's face when she sees us here together."
Soo tries to make him smile, but he doesn't yield.
"How come you're trying to make me feel better? I should be the one comforting you."
"Then hug me." She feels So's arm come around her waist, so she holds on his shoulders and his neck, "There. I just need this."
"You're easily satisfied."
"Now, now. During the pregnancy what I want it's what the child wants. And right now our baby wants to feel the parents' love."
She feels him smile next to her temple, but also feels the tear coming down his face and she can't stop hers from following it.
"Can I send my love to both of you?" The king sounds vulnerable, but his words make her smile.
"Of course," she nudges a little closer to him, closing her eyes in content, "The baby wants what I want, after all."
So kisses her cheek softly, taking a few of her tears away, and then buries his head in the crook of her neck. Hae Soo sighs, long tired of how things were, long exhausted from the constant blows this world seems to throw at her.
But now she has no time to feel sorry for herself. She has already cried enough for her life, now she'll cry for the others. She'll cry with him and find a small portion of comfort in that embrace of her small, new, and already broken family of three.
Soon it will be only two.
But that's the future, and she'll only focus on the now. And as long as she has them, she will be alright.
A\N: So yay! Pregnant Soo! Seol finally shows sign of life. Sorry, it took longer than I expected to introduce her to the story. But look fluff! (there was angst too, but what did you expect? we're still in goryeo here)
...
Vero Diaz
Sorry for the trolling, but hopefully the chapter eased your worries.
...
myrka1296g
Yes, she is. You were the first to call on that. :) Sorry for taking long again, but thank you!