Chapter 10

By the time Monday had come around she hadn't spoken to Jay.

He hadn't contacted her, not even to say sorry again. For what ever reason he felt like he'd needed to apologise.

And what was she supposed to think about that? Was it because he didn't get to kiss her? Or was it because he shouldn't have even tried to kiss her? Did he not want to kiss her? Did she even want to kiss him? She needed friends, not potential boyfriends. Why did she let it get that far?

Considering that the last time they had been close, in that way anyway, it had resulted in the revelation of her pregnancy, she wasn't surprised at the silent treatment. She was worried though, because she didn't want things to be awkward between them, even though they had been distant for a while, she felt closer to him than anyone else at this school.

But she'd wanted to kiss him, when he'd leaned towards her she'd wanted nothing but his lips on hers. And she wasn't used to feeling that, usually it was a chore at best and a punishment at worst, but with Jay it just felt pure and good.

She couldn't pursue those feelings though; Jay deserved better than a pregnant girl with a drug addicted ex and a more complicated past than he even knew. And even though he had been the one to try and kiss her, he didn't want this. And she couldn't afford to lose him.

So on Monday when he tried to separate her from the rest of their group before school started to 'talk' (whatever that meant), she'd denied him, saying instead that she needed to get to homeroom early before leaving quickly.

Not quick enough, it seemed, as Kim had run after her.

"Okay what's going on with you and Jay?" she'd demanded immediately.

Erin sighed, as much as she loved Kim she was not in the mood for this right now.

"Nothing," she lied, slowing down as she felt her breathing quicken.

"You really think I'm going to believe that?" Kim asked her. "He looked liked you'd kicked his puppy when you said you wouldn't talk to him."

"Okay but you can't tell anybody," she said sternly. "Not even Adam."

Kim gave her the puppy dog eyes before finally agreeing.

"Jay tired to kiss me on Saturday," she admitted.

Kim's eyes had never been so wide.

"You stopped him?" she chastised.

"What? That's what you're surprised about?" Erin asked. "No, Hank called him and… you aren't surprised that he tried to kiss me?"

"Um no?" Kim said. "He is totally in love with you."

Erin couldn't even process what Kim was saying, her head was spinning.

"He's not," she insisted. "We barely even talk any more and he was probably just feeling sorry for me because I was crying."

Kim didn't seem impressed with her answer.

"It sounds like I need to hear the full story," she reasoned. "But probably not in homeroom."

Kim looked pointedly at the small group of cheerleaders who had entered the room.

Erin spent the rest of the morning thinking about what Kim had said, Jay couldn't have feelings for her. She was pregnant, and she was a complete mess, he didn't know how much she was keeping from him.

She could never be enough for him, he deserved someone better, someone who wasn't pregnant and damaged.

She went to the library at lunch, avoiding the rest of the group but specifically Jay. She could only eat when the librarian wasn't looking because of the no food rule but she was making it work, until Jay decided to ruin her plans.

"Don't run away from me," he said quickly as soon as she saw him. "Please?"

She just stared at him.

"I think we need to talk," he said, sitting down opposite her.

"Really?" she asked. "Because I would have thought that if you really wanted to talk to me then you would have called me Saturday night, or maybe even Sunday?"

"I'm sorry," he said and she'd never been that annoyed at him before.

Didn't he understand that was why she was mad at him in the first place? He almost kissed her, apologised and then didn't speak to her for two days.

"I should have called you or come over to see you," he admitted. "But I was scared."

"Of me?" she asked sceptically.

"Not exactly," he muttered but then put a teasing grin on his face. "Although now you mention it…"

She glared at him.

"If the only reason you came to speak to me was to tell me you're scared of me then please leave me alone."

Then the words spilled out of his mouth.

"I like you, Erin."

She had spent the morning preparing for this, not believing it was true but preparing for the one in a million chance that Jay had feelings for her. But now that he was in front of her, she couldn't speak.

"You don't," she told him, refusing to look at his eyes. "You can't like me."

"Well I do," he persisted. "I know it won't be easy but on Saturday I realised that even with all of the complications in our lives, all I want right now is to be with you."

She looked at him then, his eyes were ocean blue and she felt like she could see his soul, he was being honest and that scared her more than the possibility that she liked him more than he liked her.

"You realise that I'm pregnant?" she said softly. "You don't want to be with me, Jay."

"I don't care," he said, taking her hand on the table, and she couldn't bring herself to take it away.

"You don't care that I'm pregnant with another guy's baby?" she asked softly. "You don't care that there is someone else's child living inside me?"

"I want to be there for you," he said, his eyes burning mine. "We can wait until you've had the baby and it's all over, but I need to be with you."

She took her hand away at that moment.

"And what if I change my mind?" she asked him, packing her books away into her bag. "If I keep the baby then how would you feel about me being a mom."

He stumbled then.

"But… you're not keeping it?" he asked, confused.

"I… I know," she said, looking down. "That's what I want to do, but what if something changed?"

He didn't have an answer to that so she took her chance.

"This can't work, Jay."

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Camille asked Erin as she placed the back of her hand on her forehead. "It's not like you to miss your tutoring sessions with Jay?"

"I was just feeling sick earlier," Erin said. "I'm fine now."

Camille looked at her, concerned and seemingly troubled by something.

"Erin I need to talk to you about something," she said, closing the book that Erin was reading.

Erin turned to face her, sensing the seriousness of Camille's tone.

"A man came to the door today," she started. "It wasn't Charlie but he was asking to see you and when I said you weren't in, he gave me a letter to give to you."

Erin swallowed, she knew what was coming.

"I opened the letter," Camille admitted. "I was worried that whatever was in it would hurt you, so I thought I should read it first."

Erin nodded, wondering whether she should be upset about Camille reading a letter addressed to her, but maybe it was time for her to know whatever was in the letter.

"Do you want to tell me about Steve?" Camille asked gently.

"You probably already know from that letter," she muttered uncomfortably.

"Whatever that letter implies, I want to hear it from you."

Erin didn't want to do this, she'd never wanted anyone to find out and now, it felt like the minute she told Camille, the whole world would know.

"He's my mom's boyfriend," she explained. "They've been together for about a year."

"Hank said he's an ex con, drug bust ten years ago," Camille encouraged.

"He's not a nice guy," she agreed. "He's been violent with my mom since they got together and a few months after he started doing the same thing to me, he said no one would believe me and no one cared."

She took a deep breath and felt Camille's hand on her shoulder.

"I started spending more time at Charlie's so I didn't have to be at home," she continued. "But then it got worse when I eventually did come home; he started touching me, pinning me down and…"

She stopped then; she couldn't get the words out. She'd never said them before.

"Did he rape you?" Camille asked softly and Erin could see that her eyes were brimmed with tears.

It felt like a weight had been taken off her chest. No one had ever asked her that before, even though her mom, Bunny, must have known, she hadn't cared. She hadn't had anyone to tell, not someone who would understand.

"Yes," Erin confessed.

She watched as Camille let out a small noise and glanced at the ceiling.

"Is he the father of the baby?" Camille asked, suddenly realising why Erin had been so withdrawn when it came to discussing the father.

"I don't know," she admitted. "It could be his or it could be Charlie's, the dates were too close together."

"Did you tell anyone?" Camille asked her.

"No one cares," she said quietly, the tears spilling over now. "My mom, I didn't tell her but she knew, she had to have known what he was doing."

"I care Erin," Camille professed. "And Hank cares, Justin cares even though he might not always show it. And your friends, they care. There are so many people who love you, Erin."

But Camille didn't understand, the first time she'd been raped she was thirteen. And that's what she thought sex was, because it was her seventeen year old boyfriend who did it and she thought that was how it happened. She didn't tell her mom because she was embarrassed that the experience that her friend, Annie had told her would make her a grown woman was the worst experience she'd ever had in her life. And when her mom's boyfriend had touched her when she was fourteen her mom had been in the room, maybe she hadn't seen it but maybe she had. Erin had frozen, she wanted to hit him to stop him from touching her, but her body was paralysed.

"What does the letter say?" she asked, wiping the tears from her eyes. She didn't want Camille to worry about her.

"He's trying to intimidate you," Camille explained gently. "He wanted to stop you telling us what happened and he stressed that if the baby was his then he needed to know."

"I don't want him to know," Erin said immediately. "He can't have any say in what happens to the baby."

Camille sighed and moved the hair back from Erin's face.

"I know," she told her.

"I'll pretend it's definitely Charlie's," she said determinedly. "Nobody needs to know what happened."

"It's not that simple," Camille said calmly. "I think you need help Erin."

She looked at her, confused at what she was suggesting. Did she mean that she needed a lawyer because Steve needed to know? He couldn't find out. If the only thing she could do for this baby was protect it from him then she would do it, whether it was unlawful or unethical or everyone told her it was wrong. She wouldn't let him anywhere near this baby.

"I think you should talk to a psychiatrist," Camille explained. "Because everything you just told me broke my heart, but I don't think it broke yours."

She paused when Erin looked down at her knees.

"And I think that's because yours is already broken," she continued. "And we need to work on mending that."

For the first time in her life, Erin felt like maybe someone really had listened. Maybe she really did care.

After waiting for Erin for forty minutes, Jay had given up on their tutoring session and headed home. He'd tried calling her and she had ignored him, he supposed he deserved it after that weekend.

He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but the moment that he had almost kissed her, he felt so much more for her than he ever had before, for Allie or any of the other crushes he'd had.

He was in love with her.

And he was terrified of that.

Because that wasn't supposed to happen when he was in high school with a girl he had known for just a few months and had kissed once. It wasn't supposed to happen when his mom was sick and his dad was never home and his house felt less like a home than ever. It wasn't meant to happen when Erin was pregnant.

But it had and here he was, in love with a girl that had just told him that they couldn't be together.

He wanted to be with her, so bad. He couldn't be around her without wanting to kiss her, and he knew she had feelings for him. That was the one thing she hadn't denied earlier, he just had to show her that he was serious about this and that it could work.

And it's not like she was really going to keep the baby, she had a plan and she had told him that she couldn't keep it.

But then what if she did? What if she changed her mind? Could he be with her if she was the mom of a tiny baby? He wasn't ready to have a role in a baby's life, and Erin wasn't either, she'd told him that. That's why she had a plan.

It wouldn't happen, he was going to be with her and she was going to give the baby to someone who could actually take care of it and everyone would be happy.

Jay was walking down the driveway when he heard his dad yelling from inside the house, so he quickened his pace.

"You think I care what you want?" he was shouting when Jay walked through the front door. "You think it matters to me?"

As Jay walked into the living room he saw his mother sat on the couch with his dad standing over her, not caring how imposing and intimidating he was.

"Dad," Jay called to get his attention. "Stop."

"Get out of here," his dad scoffed at him. "This is a conversation between me and your mom."

He didn't move, he wasn't about to leave his mom in the same room as his dad when there was a whisky glass in his dad's hand and he had that look on his face.

"Jay," his mom addressed him, tired and weary. "You don't need to hear this."

"You don't want him to know?" his dad directed to him.

"What's going on?" he asked warily. "Is something going on with mom's treatment?"

There was silence in the room until his dad shouted.

"She's giving up," he proclaimed. "She wants to put all of the time and effort and money that I spent on her to waste."

At that his dad left the room, whisky in hand and slammed the door to his study.

"What's he talking about mom?" he asked, dreading the answer.

She sighed and patted the space next to her on the couch to encourage him to sit there.

He sat next to her and she took his hands in hers.

"I wanted to tell you and Will together," she began and he felt a lump in his throat. "I had an appointment today with my oncologist and the treatment hasn't helped as much as they were hoping."

"You can try a different treatment though?" he said. "There has to be something else."

"It's too late for that now," she explained softly. "I know it's hard but I know that you'll understand this Jay."

He swallowed the tears but he couldn't speak, he couldn't lose his mom. There had to be something else.

"I'm not going to get better," she told him. "And I don't want to spend the rest of my life having chemo and being sick."

"I don't… I don't want you to…" he couldn't get the words out, but they both heard them.

"Everything's going to be just fine," she said, hugging him. "I promise."

He left the room and walked to his room, the minute the door closed he let the tears fall. And he felt the anger inside him bursting out as he kicked his desk chair. He got out his phone and called Erin again, waiting as the ringing tone continued, silently begging her to pick up.

He needed her.

I don't really like where I ended this chapter but I hope you still enjoyed it.

There was a question in the reviews for the last chapter, in this story Camille hasn't been diagnosed with cancer - having a doctor's appointment is the first thing excuse I think of because I'm a med student. Also thanks for pointing out my mistake, it's all fixed now.