Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am a bad person.
I deserve no second chance. No probation. No parole. I deserve the iron around my wrists and the chains around my ankles. I deserve the cage I'm in. The bars separating the dangerous animal from the innocent.
It's funny how it all works. From the outside looking in, the light looks into the darkness. But from the inside looking out, the darkness looks into the light. It just depends on what side you're on that makes the difference. It seems I can't escape it. The darkness is everywhere. I fall into to it wherever I go. I will always look to the light but never be in it.
Pathetic.
I am a prisoner to my own soul. Sentenced to my own skin.
I've been charged with every tear that's grazed Tori's features. I'm the one to blame. I've finally got what has been coming for a long time.
I am cold. I am an animal. I lash out and scar anyone within range. It's just what I do, even to her. But that is no excuse. Not to the one I love. No, she only tried to heal me.
I plead guilty.
"Hi"
"What" I snap. Be nice Jade… "I mean… hey"
"Are you feeling better?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Well… you look better" Cat says tilting her head to the side.
Do I? I mean, I guess I feel a little different. Maybe a tad lighter. Warmer. I little less… hurt.
"Then she's working" I breathe.
"Who's working?" She asks furrowing her brows.
"Tori" I answer.
A small smile graces Cat's features and she looks at me all dough-eyed.
"Don't do it-" I barely get out as I'm enveloped in a bone crushing hug.
"Awwwww! You and Tori still love each other!" She squeals right into my ear.
"That was obvious Cat." Although she might love me less now that I'm deaf in one ear. "She just gave me a… reminder" I finish. And suddenly, Cat's not hugging me anymore. She pulled back and is now giving me this ridiculous look.
"A reminder?" She says arching an eyebrow suggestively.
I wish I could hit her. Smack her adorable face right off her head. That's what I would do to anyone else, but for some reason, whatever heart I have keeps me from it. I mean seriously, I barely have a heart, yet whatever Tori doesn't occupy holds Cat of all things.
"Not like that" I say through my teeth.
"Either way, good. I don't like the way things are when you're not together." She says before skipping off to her next class.
"I don't like it either Cat." I say to myself.
I should probably get to class considering the warning bell just went off, but I really don't feel like it. I know she meant well, but bringing up Tori wasn't Cat's best idea today. To the janitors closet it is. My safe haven. My sanctuary. My fortress of solitude. Or my evil lair as most people call it. Whatever the case, it's time for some more sulking and wallowing in self worth.
I drag my combat boots from my locker to the janitors closet and open the door. I after I walk in I hear a sniffle. I wanna say I played it off and told whoever was there to get the hell out, but no. It actually scared the piss outta me and I shrieked. Shrieked. Like a girl.
I jump and end up with my back against the door and my fists up in what I think is the most pathetic fighting stance in existence.
"Did you just shriek?" The voice asks shocked.
"Dear god Vega…" I say letting out a huge breathe. "Don't do that" I say trying to calm the overwhelming urge to puke after the scare.
"Sorry. I figured you'd be in class by now" She says with another sniffle. It's now that I actually look at her.
It's pretty dim in here due to the usual light being off and a small lamp being on, but it's enough for me to see her. Her eyes are red and her face is flushed. Her lip is barely quivering, due to her trying to suppress it, and there are tear stains on her cheeks.
"What wrong?" I ask slipping my bag off my shoulder and kneeling down next to her.
She keeps her eyes cast towards the floor. She knows that if she looks at me her secrets will pour from her eyes. She won't be able to hide it no matter how hard she tries. So I look around to find the answers.
She's sitting on a bucket she flipped over to double as something to sit on. She's huddled close to the lamp with her bag on the other side of her. There's a small crumpled up towel in front of her and a small glint catches my eye. On the towel lays a box cutter.
The blade removed.
And it feels as if it's lodged in my heart.
I swallow hard and close my eyes for a moment. Keep it together Jade. You will not cry. She needs you to be strong and that's what you're gonna do. Be as soft as you can. Everything you do from this moment on will be swimming in love. You are gonna make her feel safe and you are gonna carry her through this if you have to.
I will not lose her to a blade.
"Things were supposed to get easier" She whimpers.
"What do you mean?" I ask softly.
"I was supposed to be better… without you" She says as more tears roll down her cheeks.
I know sweetheart… I know you were. You were supposed to be free of me. You were supposed to heal and leave me in the past. You were never supposed to look back.
"But Jade I've never hurt this much before" She sobs. "I just want it to stop… just for a little bit".
It's now that I notice her hand clenched around the razor.
"I know how it hurts, I do." I say. That's probably the most accurate thing about us. We both hurt the same way. "I can help. I can make it stop, just for a little bit" I whisper.
I know I can heal the hurt. If not that than at least dull the pain for a little bit. Please Tori. Let me at least try. Let me try to fix you. Let me try to undo some of the stuff I did. Let me remind you of what I can be. Let me… love you.
"Let me" I whisper.
I beg of you Tori. Let me do this. I love you so much. Let me show you.
"Please?" She barely gets out after a minute.
I place my hand over hears and her grip on the razor slowly loosens.
I get it out of her hands safely and push it off to the side with the towel and box cutter. I kneel down in front of her and just look in her eyes for a minute or two. I let her sadness drain into me. I let her tell me all the things she's kept from me sense we fell apart. All of it, with one look.
From there I take her hand in mine, and lift her arm a little. I take note that there aren't any bold red lines staring back at me. Good. I hate them.
I lightly trace my fingers over each scar, counting them as I've always done. Making sure there aren't and will never be anymore. I then lean forward and gently press my lips against each one. I hear her whimper as I finish and I look back into her eyes.
"You are so beautiful" I say with every ounce of love that I have for her.
And then she breaks.
She sobs apologies and collapses into my arms.
Right where she should be.
… … …. … ….. …. … …...
Sometimes we are the moon and sometimes we are the ocean. Sometimes we are the ones pulling, and sometimes we are the ones being pulled. That's our relationship. That's how it works.
"Thanks for taking me home" Tori says quietly.
Anything for you my princess.
"Anytime" I say as I wait for her to get out of my car.
Lane found us in the Janitor's closet about a half hour after our whole ordeal. He thought it would be best to just take Tori home. He looked like he had seen a ghost. I'm not surprised. No one's seen Tori so distraught except for me. Even when she's depressed she still manages to smile.
"I'm sorry… about earlier." She says avoiding my eyes.
"It's… together or not Tori, you can come to me when it gets this hard. Together or not you made me a promise." I say. She finally meets my gaze.
After we fell in love she promised me I would never see another scar. Sure, I may have fucked everything up, but this is the one thing she owes me. Me and herself. Not another blade across her delicate skin.
To think if I had walked into the Janitor's closet ten seconds later…
"I know. I'll keep it." She sniffles.
My love I know you feel guilt. Shame. But please know that I only say these things out of love. You deserve depression the least. For someone like me to make someone like to feel like this is blasphemy, but I promise my dearest, I only do this with love.
"I know you will" I say giving a weak smile.
Now go, be free of me. I can't imagine-
"Come inside?" She asks softly.
Why? Why would you want that? Did… did you feel what I wanted you to? Did you see the love I put into my words for you? Is that why?
"Uh, sure." I say slightly surprised.
I barely notice use getting out of my car and making the journey to her room. Her sister and parents gone like usual.
We sit on her bed in the dimly lit room, me next to her, when I feel her hand lightly cover mine. I look at our hands then up to her eyes.
I'm still her love.
What I feel… can I explain it? It's like another small piece of be relocating back in place. It hurts… it hurts so bad, but then there's that relief. The knowledge that even though it hurts right now, it's back where it should be. Now I might be able to function that much better. I am where I belong.
Even when she's broken, she fixes me.
And it's now that I realize just how close to me she is. She's leaning closer. But why? Why now? Why after all of this? No… Tori don't. Don't do this. Don't let me back in, don't let me get close enough to hurt you again.
"Don't" I say turning my head before her lips can touch mine.
Her hand gently caresses the side of my face. She gently places her palm against my cheek and I turn back to her.
No Tori… not in this defeated state. Look at me, I'm a mess. I am broken. I am just as sharp and dangerous as before. My jagged pieces will surely tear into you again.
"This was supposed to be easier…" She whispers kissing my forehead.
I know my love. You were supposed to heal, not bleed more. You were supposed to be free.
"But…" She says before kissing my cheek.
Stop it Tori. Don't say that. Don't give me that chance. Don't give me that hope.
"Being away from you…" She continues kissing my other cheek.
Being away from me should be what's happening right now. You should be running the other direction, never looking back.
"It's… its' the hardest thing I've ever had to do" She says stopping to look into my eyes.
My love… I never knew I could be away from you. I never saw it as hard, but imposable.
Tears are now freely falling down my face. I have no control when I'm with her. I am not Jade West. I am nothing of my own, but only what she wants be to be. I am only what she makes me.
And at that, she leans in and softly presses her lips to mine.
I can't stop the sob that escapes me. It hurts so much. She's relocating more and more of me. Picking up my pieces and putting me back together. She fixes me so that I might one day be a reflection of someone again.
I can never tell which one of us is which. Am I the ocean or the moon? Is she pulling me into her arms? Am I pulling her shirt off? Is she pulling me under her? Am I pulling all those noises from her?
Are we really here, bare and intertwined, reeling from the love that we clearly still have for each other?
We are Jade and Tori.
We are in love.
We let ourselves fall into the most intimate moment.
I am her Jade and she is my Tori.
We are the moon and the ocean.
… … … ….. … … ….. …. ….. …
Hello my Lotus Blossoms.
This one… this was hard to get out. So many feels. Sorry it's also kind of short and rushed. Meh, I try not to be choppy, but this one bested me I guess.
I apologize for the wait, life… well, let's just say it got to a very dark place. But I'm on the bounce back from that (rhyme: ten points).
So it's come to my attention that I have rounded a year now since this fic was started. I am super sorry for the lack of updates, but I'm also super grateful that all of you have stayed with me through all of it. So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
To some of the many awesome people:
Lissfuller: Yeah that one was emotional. Try investing in some actual tic-tacs haha.
You're My Remedy: *Squee*
Chile101: Don't die, all will be well.
Jakarie: Yeah, you have no idea… A lot of this is actually from experience.
Alright loves, that's all for now.
SUPER DUPER IMPORTANT: Only five chapters left. I know, I know, but it had to happen eventually.
I love you guys. Each and every one of you.
So, until the next update, Reviews = Love. So spread it around. Thick.
A.Y.P.