Chapter 10
The longer he stays in hospital, the more Kurt feels like he is fading away. Even Mercedes' visits do little to make him feel connected to anything other than the sterile smell and drab walls which surround him. He has become a part of them.
Mercedes tries so hard when she visits and, although he loves her for it, he just can't seem to feel things like he used to.
His mind struggles to keep up as she updates him with all the scandals currently unfolding at McKinley High during his incarceration, her stories told with a dramatic flourish that Perez Hilton himself would have been proud of.
Things he would have found hilarious just a few months before now barely amuse him and, under his best friend's worried gaze, he finds himself trying to react to her stories as he would have reacted before… well, just Before.
It felt like he was playing a part. It was exhausting.
The general consensus seems to be he's doing pretty well 'considering'. His head certainly feels a lot clearer now he's fully weaned off the pain medication and, he is told, once his fever comes down he will be allowed to get up and leave the four walls of the room that has become his entire existence.
He knows he should be excited. The truth is he's terrified.
He finds comfort in the slow-paced routines set out by the hospital and in the surrender of control to the nurses and orderlies who care for him. He can barely remember his moisturizing routine now; it's all part of The Before which has become a distant memory.
The turning point comes the morning after Finn's visit. A nurse takes his temperature and tells him it's still not low enough for him to start trying to get up.
Kurt can tell from her face that she expects him to be upset by this so he coaches his features into what he hopes is a suitably disheartened expression. It seems to work as the nurse looks stricken.
"I'm sorry honey, I know you were counting on being up by now. I guess…" she glances behind her and lowers her voice conspiratorially, "I don't see why I can't wheel you to the washroom. Let you have a proper shower, I bet you'd like that, huh?"
Kurt's expression brightens and this time it's genuine. Sure, he's kind of gotten used to the bed baths (he hasn't really had a choice), but the thought of actually standing under a proper shower with hot water and proper soap makes him feel quite light-headed in anticipation.
As it turns out, the thought of standing under a proper shower was a little ambitious. Kurt is upright only briefly as the nurse helps him into the wheelchair but during those few moments his vision greys and his legs refuse to support him.
But that's ok, he realizes as the nurse wheels him the short distance to the bathroom, the shower has a seat! The nurse helps him onto it and makes sure the temperature of the water is just right.
"I'll be right outside ok?" She reassures him, "Just holler if you need me." She closes the door to give him a little privacy.
Right now she is Kurt's favorite person in the whole world. He doesn't even know her name.
He closes his eyes tight as the water splashes down over his head and shoulders and cascades down his aching body. He had forgotten it was possible to feel this good.
He realizes that during his stay in hospital he has forgotten a lot of things.
As the nurse dries him off with a soft white towel, Kurt lets his mind wander. For the first time since Before he begins to contemplate the future.
Since he has been in hospital it has been easier to detach and let the world carry on without him. Now he feels a yearning from deep within him for something he can't quite define, and the tentative prickle of something that feels a little like hope.
He knows he has lost his family. But maybe even that doesn't have to be forever. Maybe, over time, he can prove to them that he is worth something. Maybe one day his dad will hug him again with tears in his eyes and tell him that he loves him.
Maybe. One day.
But he can't escape the possibility that that may never happen and he will have to live with the fact that he just wasn't enough for his dad; that he was a disappointment and a burden. And he doesn't know if he can.
Live.
With that fact.
He has two choices: All or Nothing.
By the time the nurse helps him back into bed he knows exactly what he must do and, having made the decision, he feels a sense of freedom and relief.
"Remember, if the doctor asks, you haven't set foot out of bed since you got here ok?"
"Thanks… Elizabeth." He says, reading her name from her tag. "Thank you so much."
"You're welcome honey. It's nice to see some color in those cheeks again." She tells him and with a wink and a soft smile she is gone.
Kurt watches her leave.
He reaches into the drawer by his bed for his iphone. He fires off a quick text to Carole and then settles down to wait.
It is time to take control of his future and put his plan into action.
Carole arrives looking a little flustered just over an hour later.
"Hello Kurt." She greets him, taking a seat by his bed, "I brought the things you asked for."
"Thanks." He takes the bag she offers him and has a quick look through it.
Pen – check; paper – check; sneakers – check; his favorite pair of jeans – well, she managed his third favorite pair and given the fact he had 86 pairs at the last count, he decides not to hold it against her.
"So, does this mean you're going to be up soon?" She asks him.
He looks up at her. There is a look of polite interest on her face. She is there but she is not. She looks… uncomfortable. Again. And it's unbearable.
"I think so." He tells her, "Maybe a few more days."
"That's great." She tells him. "Your dad sends his love. He's having some problems at work today but he's going to come by tomorrow."
"Oh, ok." Kurt replies.
His father's doesn't visit so much anymore. Kurt can't really blame him as he still feigns sleep as soon as he hears the familiar heavy footsteps approach. Maybe it's just his imagination but those footsteps sound heavier every time he hears them.
Even thinking about his dad is too hard; being in the same room is agony. Even Carole's brief mention of his name makes him feel lost and vulnerable.
The uncomfortable silence that has filled the room is making it worse. His stomach feels heavy with all that he has lost.
"Carole?" Kurt says. She looks at him and before he can change his mind he blurts out, "Did I do something wrong?"
"Wrong? Why would you think…"
"I don't mean in general, I mean since I've been in here. It's just…" He takes a deep breath, "when I was really sick I remember…" His voice shakes a little, but he continues, "I remember you being so close. And now it's different." He blinks hard, willing the tears not to fall. "I just wondered if it was because I'd done something wrong. Because if I have I really want to fix it before I…" He clamps his mouth shut quickly, realizing he has almost said too much.
He looks away, ashamed of his inability to control his emotions. Whatever happened to Kurt Hummel: Ice Queen? He feels a hot wet tear fall down his cheek. Another follows. He wipes them away angrily but they just keep coming.
"Oh sweetie, come here." Carole closes the space between them and perches on the bed, drawing him to her chest. Kurt freezes for a moment and then relaxes into her embrace. He lets his tears flow unchecked as she strokes his hair and rocks him gently.
After a few minutes she pulls back, squeezing his shoulder before reaching into her bag and pulling out a tissue. She wipes his tears away, then holds the tissue to his nose and says, "Blow."
Kurt obeys feeling his cheeks flush in embarrassment – I mean he is sixteen years old for goodness sake. But there are no witnesses and he decides that minor embarrassment is nothing in comparison to the relief of having Carole close again.
"Kurt, you haven't done anything wrong and I'm so sorry you thought that. I wasn't sure you would remember those early days. You were so sick and there were a few times when we thought… well, we're all so happy that you're so much better now."
She squeezes his hand. Kurt gives her a watery smile and waits for her to continue.
"When you first woke up you called me… you thought I was your mom. I felt so bad for you honey; you were fighting so hard and you deserved to have your own mother there with you, holding your hand and telling you everything was going to be ok, not somebody else's."
Kurt feels the tears building up in his eyes again and blinks hard, willing them back.
"And after that first time you would smile at me whenever I came to visit. Your dad noticed too and I think he was a little hurt that you responded to me more than you did to him so I started come alone, and I thought…"
She pauses for a moment as if gathering her thoughts.
"Kurt, I'm sorry if this was the wrong thing to do, but I thought that maybe if you thought I was your mom it didn't really matter. If that's what you needed, if that's what would make you smile when nothing else could, if it helped you hang on, then maybe that was ok."
She pauses to grab another tissue out of her bag and wipe her own eyes.
"When you started to get better I was so relieved. But I was scared too. I dreaded the moment you realized it had been me all along." She takes his hand, "Sweetie, I know it's been hard for you – your dad and I dating. It's a big adjustment and we're all learning. Sometimes I wonder if we've taken things a little too fast. Not for us but for you kids. Remember when you came home with your dad and Finn and I found you upstairs by the dresser?"
Kurt nods; it seems like a lifetime ago.
"You were so upset and everything inside me wanted to comfort you, to make the bad feelings go away. And then you pushed me away. I understand why but… I guess I was worried I'd overstepped the boundaries in the first few days when you were here. That if you had known what I was doing you'd be angry. And that you'd feel I'd been trying to take your mom's place. Does that make sense sweetie?"
She looks at him anxiously and Kurt nods again and gives her a small smile. They sit in silence for a moment but this time it feels ok.
"Carole?" He says again, "I heard you and dad talking. About… the changes that need to happen at home."
"You did?" Her brow wrinkles, "When…?"
"I just wanted to say that it's ok." He interrupts, "I understand."
He meets her eye and feels a moment of understanding pass between them.
"Kurt, I'm so glad you understand. We were really worried about telling you and…"
"I'm glad he found you." He interrupts again, "Well, I guess I found you really." He gives her a watery smile and she squeezes his hand.
"I'm glad you found me too honey." She tells him, "Not get some sleep. We want you out of here as soon as possible, you hear me?"
He nods and looks down at his hands. She places a gentle kiss on his brow. Just before she reaches the door he calls out, "Carole?"
She turns back towards him.
"I knew it was you." He tells her simply. "Maybe not the first time but after that... I know my mom isn't here anymore…" He pauses waiting for the familiar wave of grief to wash over him as it always does when he acknowledges Her absence, "But having you here meant a lot. So… thank you." He finishes.
She smiles at him and her eyes are wet, "It was my pleasure honey. Really, it was."
And then she leaves him alone with his thoughts. And the bag she brought him. He empties the contents onto his lap and grabs the paper and a pen. He begins to write.
"Dear Dad…"
A/N: I hope this is ok and not too drawn out and boring. I feel I have been wallowing in this fic for too long but am determined to finish it (mostly thanks to the lovely reviews I have received – thank you so much, your encouragement really does mean a lot). More to come – the end is finally in sight :D
And then I am going to write something a little happier (probably…!)