DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight, any of the characters, or anything else Twilight related. Stephenie Meyers is the genius behind it all. The only thing that I own is the plot. Also, no criticism for the non-canon pairing.
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Sometime before the light of the sun ever filtered through the window I woke to the sounds of clangs and bangs from the kitchen downstairs. Charlie must have been awake and scrounging for a pan to fry some bacon and eggs. He truly was a helpless cause in the kitchen. I would have to teach him to cook some of the healthier essentials before I moved out. Else, I could find him someone to look after him… If that were even possible everything would be all too easy.
With more grace than usual, particularly for so early in the day, I climbed out of my bed and made my way to the bathroom. I allowed myself my quick "human" moment before returning to my room. I quickly dressed in a pair of comfortable jeans and a powder blue, long sleeved shirt. Even if it was nearly summer here in Forks, the air always held a certain dampness to it that was a bit chilling, especially after living in the dry heat of Phoenix for so long. Once I was finished dressing I pulled my hair back into a simple ponytail and bounded down the stairs.
As suspected, Charlie was in the kitchen and cracking several eggs in a bowl. The bacon was already in a pan frying over the stove. The smoky scent filled my nose as well as a slightly sweet, slight bitter aromatic scent that I immediately recognized as coffee.
I didn't drink coffee often. My tolerance for caffeine was particularly low and I generally did not like the jitteriness that accompanied it. Today, however, I would take my chances. I had my suspicions that it would be a long day full of exhausting conversations. Yes, caffeine would definitely be my friend today.
Breakfast was a quiet affair. This was partially because Charlie and I had never been inclined to fill the silences with unnecessary conversation. It was also because I avoided exerting myself in conversation before later in the day when I knew it would be inevitable. But it was also because I was still more than a little upset about Charlie's blatant preference for my Quileute friends over the Cullens. It was bad enough that they couldn't get along with each other. I didn't need Charlie taking sides to complicate matters.
After we finished eating I picked up the plates and carried them to the sink to wash them. Charlie grumbled his appreciation and mentioned that he would be down in La Push with Billy to fish for the day. He also hinted that Jacob might be lonely. I knew what he wanted. While I might have welcomed the chance to escape and not deal with the problems that I was sure to face today, I was still more than a little irritated that he and Sam had decided against my being changed as an exception to their precious treaty. Jacob could just deal with the cold shoulder.
I was already feeling the affects of the coffee within minutes of Charlie's departure. Sitting still was no longer an option as my legs were already bouncing uncontrollably. My fingers were itching for something to do as well. I jumped up, quite literally, and ran faster than I normally would have been comfortable with up the stairs. I ran into my room and slammed the door closed.
My thoughts were racing around in my mind as I began to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Edward was back. I had just accepted that I would let him go minutes before he returned. I loved Emmett. Emmett had let go of Rosalie. For me? Maybe. But, I loved Edward, too. That much was now painfully obvious. Did I love him the same way that I had before? Or was my heart beyond his repair? Was it Emmett that I now needed? Now wanted? Now desired?
I couldn't think clearly. Maybe the caffeine hadn't been such a good idea. My thoughts couldn't settle for even a fleeting second for me to sort through it all. I just didn't a distraction. Something to take my mind off it all so that my subconscious could begin to work through it. Absently I turned on the radio by the bed just needing background noise.
Dancing seemed like a decent distraction from my mental ramblings. I could turn the music up loud enough to drown out my thoughts. At least there was no one here to laugh at my lack of coordination or talent. I could just allow myself a moment to let free and have fun, to live the way that Emmett was trying to show me.
Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper blared through the radio and I began to dance. I stomped. I spun. I swayed. I even sang. It was exhilarating and fun. It was the perfect distraction and just the release I needed before the day began.
"Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls! They wanna have fun
Oh girls just wanna have fun!"
As I sang along with Cyndi I spun around with my arms out realizing just how true those lyrics were. They described my relationship with Edward. He was always so cautious with me, so protective. It was as if he had hidden me away from the world in order to protect me from all the hidden dangers that lurked in it. Emmett had been a ray of sunshine in my life after he left the second time. I wanted to walk straight out into the ray of light that he provided me. I wanted to bask in his warmth. And, damnit! I wanted to have fun. The kind of fun that Edward would never allow.
The song ended and transitioned into a new one. Getting' Jigy Wit It by Will Smith. I laughed to myself at the song and began to gyrate to the music again as I sang along. I shook my little booty all the way to the ground and worked my way back up and jumped to spin myself around.
I screamed and began to fall to the ground when I caught a pair of golden eyes watching me from the corner of the room. Edward caught me before I hit the floor.
"What would I do without your knack for falling?" he mused with obvious amusement. "It always provides the perfect opportunity to hold you. And to think, here you claimed that you can't dance…"
He sat me back on the ground as I began to flush in embarrassment. I turned my bright red face away from him. His cool finger hooked under my chin and gently pulled me back to face him.
"Please?" he begged. "Don't look away from me. Not now. I've been such a fool for so long, depriving myself of your presence. I can't stand to have you look away from me now. It's worse than the pain of your absence."
His words stung. They were so gentle, so full of compassion and emotion. It was wrong hearing them from his lips. I retaliated to that.
"You know nothing of pain in separation."
"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow at me speculatively. "I know that I was beyond miserable without you. My existence ceases to have purpose without you at my side. I know that it physically crippled me when I remembered you fondly and the floodgate of emotions broke through. I knew that I had to annihilate Victoria if there was ever a chance for you to live without constant danger of attack."
"That does not mean that you know anything about the pain of absence," I hissed back at him. "Have you spoken to Jasper? I'm sure that he could tell you exactly what I mean. He can show you just how physically broken I was when you left."
He winced. Apparently my words had had their desired effect, or else he had already spoken with Jasper and understood what I was referring to. He stayed quiet, simply gazing at me from where he sat perched on the edge of the bed. Eventually his brows knit together in a look of confusion.
"You're angry with me?" The disbelief was apparent in his voice.
"You expected any less?"
His lips turned up into a sad smile and he shook his head. "I suppose not. Though, I must admit, it is rather disappointing. I had hoped that you be as accepting this time as you had the last."
"The last time you left because you thought that you were a danger to me. This time you left because you refuse to change me. You made it quite clear, Edward, that you don't want me." I paused and inhaled deeply before forcing the next words out. "You never really wanted me. That's the problem."
"Bella, I've always wanted you, only you. But I cannot disregard your safety or your soul because of that. I love you too much to allow any harm to come to you."
"No!" I shouted back at him. "You're just stringing me along until I eventually die. You have never wanted to have me the way I wanted you. You won't even kiss me, Edward! You barely touch me! I'm not a porcelain doll that will shatter at contact. Regardless what your preconceived notion is, I am fairly resilient."
"Not when it comes to me, Bella," he argued quietly. "Did you forget how easily that I could break you? Have you forgotten how easy it would be for me to crush you without realizing it?" His words became angrier but his face remained pained and worried.
"That's exactly my point!" I screamed out. "Why would you want to keep me a stupid, fragile human? Why don't you want me to be your equal? Do you enjoy being superior to me? Do you enjoy keeping me in this pathetic state? I know that you can't enjoy being so near me when I smell so appealing to you. Why, then? Why torture yourself? Why reject me?"
"You think that I don't want you?" His voice was a pained whisper. "I have never stopped wanting you. I have never stopped loving you, Isabella. I would love nothing more than to spend my entire existence with you, but I can't risk you like that. I will not jeopardize your soul for my own selfish desires. I want you to have the chances that I will never be granted, Bella. Please, try to understand that."
"I'm done trying, Edward. If you think that I am going to wait around for you to change your mind then you have another thing coming. I'm done."
"I can't bear to live without you. Can't you just consider this for a bit longer? Give me a chance to atone for my horrendous mistakes?"
"You know what I want," I muttered petulantly. "Regardless, I will die one day if you don't change me. What then?"
"I have already told you once, I do not plan to exist much longer than you."
"You would rather damn me to a life of pain and suffering without love then damn me to an immortal existence with you? I would be happier with eternal damnation than I would be with salvation after one miserable life, Edward."
"Bella, please. I'm begging you not to choose this."
"What you are really asking me is to not choose you. You still want me to think of you as scary vampire and run the other way!" I accused.
"No! Bella, no! I don't want to be separated from you anymore. It was foolish of me to leave you the first time and completely senseless of me to leave the second. I was being utterly irrational and now all I want to beg for your forgiveness and acceptance. Grovel if it will help."
"But you will only do that under the condition that I remain human, correct?"
"That was the plan," he admitted reluctantly.
My mind was completely reeling. Apparently I did not have all day to think this decision through like I usually would with something so important. This was going to have to be an impulse decision, something that I was not entirely comfortable with. Of course, I could always prolong the inevitable, but then I would still have to deal with this later. I didn't want to worry about this anymore. I needed to make my decision. I would deal with those consequences later when necessary.
Edward rose from where he sat as if he had read my silent mind. He took the small step in my direction and crouched directly in front of me. His liquid topaz eyes smoldered as he stared directly into my own. He sighed, his cool breath dancing around my face and intoxicating me with his presence. I was mesmerized. I was… dazzled!
"Edward!" I said as I shifted back to regain my focus.
He smiled unrepentantly at me. "Look in my eyes, Bella," he commanded gently. "Look at me and tell me that you do not love me. Tell me that no longer want me, and I will walk away."
His words taunted me. I knew I could never honestly tell him that I did not love him, especially if I had to look directly into his eyes when I did so. He knew that. He knew that I could never lie. No, he knew what he was doing. He had decided that he was going to fight to keep me. And I would be lying to myself if I said that I wasn't just a little excited over that prospect, as wrong as it was. So I remained quiet. There was nothing that I could tell him at that moment that would have helped our situation in any way. He and I had had our chance. We had talked things through and he had decided that my mortality was worth more to him than an existence of love with me by his side. That was his choice.
My choice was to live a life as an equal to my partner. I wanted someone that would not be afraid of hurting me. I wanted someone that would not turn down my request to live my entire existence with them. Edward, obviously, was not that someone.
"Bella," he sighed, sensing my decision. "You love me. I love you, as well. More than you could ever possibly conceive. Don't let that love go to waste. Please? Please, think about this. Think about us."
"I can't."
"Can't? Or won't?"
"A little bit of both, I suppose."
"Why?"
Did he really want to know? There was no better time than the present, I supposed. I had already been honest about everything else so there was no reason to start hiding things from him now. As it was, I was almost entirely certain that he had found out about Emmett and I from at least one person at home. There was no way that they would have all been on guard with their thoughts from him. It had to have slipped by now. Even if it hadn't, he had seen Emmett and I last night and surely read Emmett's mind before his presence was known to us.
"Emmett."
His brow furrowed in confusion. "What about Emmett?"
I cocked my head to the side. His confusion had taken me by surprise and I studied his face carefully. Did he really not know? Great, now I was going to have to explain our already confusing relationship to Edward. Of all times for my mind to be silent, why now? It would have been so much easier for him to simply pluck the information from my mind instead of forcing me to say the words that were bound to hurt him.
"We fell in love, Edward."
He smiled softly at me and brushed my cheek with his fingertips. That was definitely not the reaction that I had been expecting. It caught me entirely off guard and I froze at his touch. He sensed my wariness and brought his other hand to my face, trapping me between his icy hands. He leaned in and brushed the tip of his nose along my collarbone.
"I know," he murmured against my skin.
I froze in place again. My heart stuttered and then restarted in a fervent pace. He knew. He knew and he had made me say the words. What's more, he didn't seem to be reacting negatively to it. That could only mean one of two things for me. Either Edward did not believe me or he was going to fight fiercely to win me back by whatever means necessary. And dazzling me was definitely not fighting fair.
"You can love anyone else in the world that you want, Bella," he murmured, leaving slow kisses on my neck. My brain had already begun to turn to mush and ceased to process his words. "As long as you love me as well. I won't give up."
Those four simple words snapped me back to reality as his lips hovered ominously over my own. I pushed him back with every ounce of strength that I could muster though he did not budge. He hovered above me, his eyes dark and intense.
"Edward," I whispered. "Please don't make me do this. I don't want to hurt you."
"Tell me that you do not love me, Bella. Tell me that you do not love me and I will stop."
"I don't love you anymore." It was a pathetic lie. Even I didn't believe it.
He paused and monitored my expression. Then he smiled that crooked smile that sent my pulse into frenzy and melted my resolve. It was quite obvious that he did not believe me either.
"You don't mean that." His smile grew even wider. "Now I am going to have to make you take back those words."
His lips pressed against mine. The familiar sparks of electricity that I had missed between us buzzed in force. His lips moved slowly against mine. His hands kneaded my back and my neck, pulling me closer to his cool, marble body. My hands betrayed my mind and wrapped themselves around his neck and threaded through his bronze hair. He pulled back just slightly so that his forehead rested against my own and pressed his lips weakly against my own one last time.
"Bella." My name was a reverent sigh on his lips.
I was panting deeply from the intensity of the emotions I was feeling. I knew that I still loved Edward; that much was painfully obvious. I also knew that I could no longer be in a relationship with him when he so clearly did not want me forever in the same sense of the word that I wanted him. It would always be an uneven relationship and that was unacceptable to me.
"You can't even kiss me and mean it."
It had merely been an attempt to provoke him, not an invitation to try again. Yet that seemed to be exactly what he interpreted it as. He growled as he forced his lips against mine once more.
This was not the soft, gentle kisses that I had grown accustomed to. Nor was it the frantic, desperate kisses that he saved for times when he thought that he would never see me again. There was a whole new level of raw emotion seeping from his lips to my own. This kiss was fighting to show me that he could love me in the way that I wanted, the way that I needed. This was him throwing caution to the wind and allowing himself to become absorbed in the feeling and emotion of the moment. This was exactly what I had been struggling to coax out of him ever since I met him.
Edward deepened the kiss further just as I thought that he would finally resort to his impeccable self control and pull away. His cool tongue slid between my parted lips and into my eager mouth. His arms clenched furiously around me and he pulled me into him. His tongue massaged mine with a gentle fervor. He pulled back to allow me a much needed gasp of air as his mouth peppered my neck and jaw with kisses, refusing to break contact with my skin. He murmured my name against my lips as he claimed them with his own once more.
"Wow," I breathed out once he broke the kiss.
"There are truly no words to describe how intensely I love you, Bella."
He held me between his stone arms. It was oddly comforting, probably because of the familiarity of it. He had been my rather hard pillow for quite some time and it was easy to fall back into that. Only my mind was screaming at me that this was not what I wanted anymore.
My heart and my mind were at war with one another. On the one hand, my heart needed Edward. His presence was comforting and almost as essential to my well-being as the air that I breathe. On the other hand, my mind recognized the pain that he could all too easily inflict on my feeble heart if he were ever to leave me again. Of that fact, I was near certain. He had left me twice all too easily. There was nothing anyone could do to prevent him from leaving again.
This had to end. I had made up my mind. Emmett would be waiting for me. He had already told me last night that he was not going to let me walk out on him again. I hoped with every fiber of my being that he truly meant that. This had to be the hardest decision that I had ever made, but it was entirely necessary for my survival. I would not live to breathe if he were to leave me again. I had to let him go this time.
"Edward," I sighed uneasily.
He shifted, sensing the direction my thoughts had taken me. Before I could say another word he lifted a perfect finger and placed it lightly across my lips to silence me.
"You do not have to decide anything right now. I would prefer that you didn't. Not just because I think that it will not be in my favor, but because I know you. You don't act impulsively and are remarkably stubborn once your mind is made. Take your time. Be sure that the choice you make is the one that you are the most certain will make you happy. Even if that is not me, Bella, I only want your happiness. Of course, that doesn't mean that I intend to give up. I'll be fighting for you twice as hard."
I nodded at him, suddenly unable to voice my concerns. Any conviction that my words would have held had melted away when he spoke so sweetly to me. I couldn't bear myself to bring him pain when he did that. I knew it was entirely wrong of me to prolong this, but I am essentially a selfish creature. I loved Edward. But I was not in love with him. My heart belonged to Emmett. It would belong to him for the rest of my existence as long as he would have me.
Edward gazed back into my eyes. It was hypnotic and serene. I could have been happy there. He smiled brightly at me. It appeared for a brief moment that he was going to lean in and kiss me again. Abruptly, he pulled himself up off the bed and walked briskly at human speed towards the window. I looked up at him in confusion.
"I need to meet with Jasper," he explained. "You have nothing to worry about. I will come back for you, Bella. Always."
With those parting words he slipped silently out my window. Suddenly the gravity of the situation came crashing down upon me. I had betrayed Emmett. What's worse, it never even occurred to me that he may have kissed Rosalie when she was back or that she would have kissed him. Now I had insane jealously to top the feelings of self-loathing and disgust. Not to mention the guilt I felt over Edward.
A gentle knock on the front door brought me out of my reverie and emotional rollercoaster. Curious as to whom it was, I made my way cautiously down the stairs. Most of my visitors these days did not bother with a door. I was surprised, as I threw the door open, to find both Alice waiting for me. Why would she use the front door when she knew that I was at home alone?