Phillip's grip on her hand had got progressively tighter the closer they got to the circus. It was freezing outside, his breath forming little clouds in front of his face, but he was sweating in spite of it. His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt sick to his stomach. The only thing that was keeping him moving forward was Anne's firm grip on his hand.
As they approached the door he stopped dead, pulling her to an abrupt stop with him. "Phillip?" She frowned, turning to look at him. He'd been quiet the whole way there and she could feel the tension radiating off him but she'd been ignoring it thinking maybe if she could get him there he'd feel a bit more like himself. Maybe she'd been wrong to push it.
"I can't." He whispered. He tried to pull his hand free from hers but she kept a hold of it tightly. "They're all going to hate me."
"Phillip." She sighed, her hand coming up to the side of his face so she could turn his head to make him look at her. "No one knows anything. They all think you've been sick. It's up to you if or what you want to tell them. They're your friends, they'll just be happy to see you. I told P.T. you were coming with me. You can go and help him with some things if you want to, take a nap on the sofa in his office if you like… I don't think he'll mind."
He stared at her for a moment, wide eyed with a deep frown. He took a couple of deep breaths trying to shake off the feeling he couldn't breathe. It was odd. The circus had been the place he loved most- his escape from his past and chance at freedom- and now he could barely bring himself to set foot inside. How many nights had he spent sitting in his office working to escape his nightmares? He wasn't sure he could ever imagine feeling so safe and comforted by being there again- after all it was only a matter of time before his father was going to take it all away from him again.
"Come on." She tugged gently on his hand. "You'll feel better once we get inside…. and if you don't then we don't have to stay."
"Okay." He breathed, allowing her to pull him forward.
She breathed a quiet sigh of relief when they made it into the tent and to P.T's office unnoticed. The door was open and they quickly ducked inside, P.T. looking up as she closed the door behind them.
"Phillip." Barnum smiled. "It's good to see you here."
"Yeah… I um…" Phillip looked at Anne hopelessly. What was he supposed to say? He was just lucky Barnum hadn't kicked his sorry ass out onto the street yet. Yet.
"You'd better get going Anne, W.D. has been looking for you all morning." Barnum laughed. "I've got a few things I need Phillip's help with, come find us when you're done?"
Anne looked at Phillip for a long moment, unsure of whether to leave him or not. He looked so uncomfortable and unsure of himself stood there- so not like her Phillip- it was almost painful. "I-"
"Go." He whispered, nodding towards the door. She looked between him and P.T. for a moment and then spun on her heel and left the room in search of her brother. If she was honest she was itching to get back on the trapeze- she couldn't remember the last time she'd had more than a couple of days off. She needed the time to clear her head so she could work out what she was going to do next.
"Trouble in paradise?" W.D. smirked as she walked into the ring. "You're late."
She glared at him. "And you're not funny."
"Hey, Anne." He caught her arm as she started unwinding the ropes and getting things ready. He pulled her round to face him. "It was a joke. What's wrong?"
"Nothing." She whispered, her voice hoarse and much to her dismay her eyes started to fill with tears.
"Anne." W.D. growled. "Don't lie to me. If he hurt you I'll-"
"No." She choked out. "Phillip hasn't done anything. The opposite. Can you please just leave it?"
He pulled her into a bone crushing hug. "What's going on Anne?"
"I can't tell you." She sobbed against his chest.
"Hey, it's all going to be okay." W.D. pulled her over to the bleachers so they could sit and talk. "Why can't you tell me?"
She looked up at him, her face stained with her tears. "I made a promise, it's not my secret to tell. I'd do the same for you."
W.D. stiffened. "So this is about Carlyle. You've barely known him five minutes Anne, don't go getting yourself dragged into his shit."
"It's not like that." She sighed. "I know I've not really known him all that long but he's not who you think he is. Hasn't he proved that with everything he's done for us all?"
W.D. pulled a face but didn't speak. She could practically see him working his way through a list in his head of all the things Phillip had done- good and bad- in the months he'd been at the circus. "I don't know." He sighed eventually. "Sure, I mean he seems like a good guy now… but people like that Anne, he's not like us. I'm just worried he'll get bored of playing circus and run back to that big fancy house his parents live in and you'll be the one that gets hurt."
Anne shook her head. "He's not like that."
W.D. sighed. "I've got no idea how you can be so sure, but you obviously love him."
"I do." She whispered, resting her head on her brothers shoulder. There was a part of her that was worried it might not be enough to overcome everything that was in front of them, but the last thing she was going to do was tell her brother that. "Now can we please get on with this so I can go home? You're the one who insisted I had to come in today!"
He looked at her for a long minute, trying to read from her face what it was she wasn't telling him but came up empty. "Okay." He nodded. "Here's what I was thinking…."
"Sit." P.T. ordered as Anne closed the door behind her. He gestured at the sofa that was pushed up against the wall.
"I'll be honest I really don't think I'm going to be able to help you with anything today." Phillip sighed. He could feel the dull ache in his head starting to return already.
Barnum waved dismissively. "I wasn't expecting you to do anything. If I'm honest I wasn't even expecting you to actually be here."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Phillip sighed, sitting down heavily.
P.T. rolled his eyes. "You know that wasn't what I meant. How are you doing Phillip?"
"Fine." He sighed. What was he supposed to say- no I'm not okay but I'm tired of people asking me? He wasn't even sure himself what he was really feeling, let alone how to put it into words that might explain it to someone else. "Tired."
P.T. sat and looked at him for a long moment with an unreadable expression. "How long has it been going on Phillip? The drinking." He asked quietly.
Phillip shrugged, looking down at the floor unable to bring himself to look his friend in the eye. "I don't know. I honestly didn't think I had a problem."
"I probably should've realised when I saw you in the bar." P.T. said quietly. It was funny how in hindsight everything about the last few months seemed to be ringing alarm bells that had previously gone unnoticed.
"I um… if you don't want me here anymore… I'll understand." Phillip mumbled. His stomach churned as he said it, it was the last thing he wanted- the circus had become him home. But he also had to face the fact that now they knew the real him they might not want him around anymore. "I know I'm not the person you thought I was."
"Tell me something- if you'd been sober that night in the bar do you think you'd be sitting here now?" Barnum asked.
Phillip shrugged. He couldn't even remember that night in the bar, let alone what he was thinking. "I honestly don't have a clue. I can barely remember being there."
Barnum cringed. "I was worried you might say that. Do you regret it?"
"No." Phillip answered before he'd even finished the question. "Not even slightly."
"Well." P.T. smiled. "That's good to hear."
"I just…" He looked up at P.T., looking for the words to say what he meant. "I don't know if I can do it anymore… Anne had to drag me in here today and I can't even begin to imagine going out there in front of everyone and putting on a show."
"Don't try and run before you can walk." P.T. smiled. "I've been quite enjoying being back, don't tell Charity though."
"Don't tell Charity what?" They both looked around as the door to the office swung open. Charity stood, arms folded looking questioningly at her husband.
"Nothing dear." Barnum smiled. "What are you doing here?"
"I thought I'd come and see Phillip." She smiled, closing the office door behind her. "How are you doing?"
Phillip shifted awkwardly in his chair as she walked around and perched on the desk beside him. "I'm okay."
Charity reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "Have you been out to see Anne? Their practice looks like it's going really well!"
P.T. got to his feet. "Come on." He waved for them both to follow. "Let's go and have a look."
As they all stood on the balcony, exactly where he'd been stood the first time he'd ever laid eyes on Anne, watching her soar through the air to meet W.D. Phillip noticed one thing. The deep frown that had been etched onto her face the last few days had gone. She looked free, happy. The gut wrenching realisation came that he'd been the one who was making her so unhappy.