CHAPTER TEN
The crisp morning air did nothing to cool Hoss's temper as he stood gasping on the Ponderosa's front porch. His arms hung taut at his sides and his fingers curled into fists. Why? Why did I say them things? I wasn't raised ta talk ta women that way, 'specially not the woman I love!His brow creased, and he stared out across the yard. She don't understand. I'm jist tryin' to protect us. As long as we stay here, at the house, we're safe. Out there, anything could happen.
Hoss steadied himself against the post. Out there. Out there, a man can make camp one night 'n' end up in chains, no water, no air, no light.Hoss hugged himself, shaking his head, driving the memories away.
I cain't let nothin' bad happen. We're safe right here, all of us. Safe. Hoss nodded unconvincingly. Maybe, if I could jist make it out there. If I can jist step into the barn, the place where . . .
His eyes clamped shut. Dadburnit! I'm a grown man! Why am I afraid? I've done it a thousand times, maybe a million! Why am I afraid to walk across the yard?He bowed his head, rubbed his tired eyes, and ran his hand through his hair. It's the nightmares. After all this time, they ain't lettin' up none.
Suddenly, his wrists burned, and he held his trembling hands in front of his face. The chains. So black in that mine . . . and them chains. Them chains was out there . . . in our barn. Hoss blinked again and again, frantically searching his wrists. Nothin'. There's nothing there but the scars. Why can I still feel them chains?
A soft breeze ruffled his hair, and he shivered. The mine. It was always dark. How many days? I lost count. And the ground. The ground was wet. The air was cold. I'm still cold!Hugging his chest, he mashed his lips together. Why ain't it over? He pounded his chest with his fists. Them nightmares is jist dreams. Jackson's dead and long buried. Ain't no way he can hurt us, no way he'll ever touch Amanda or Evelyn or Pa. He ain't gonna hurt anybody ever again!
Determination inched across his face, and he dropped his arms and filled his lungs with air. I gotta do this. He glanced at the boards beneath his feet, raised his head, and lifted one foot from the ground.
Hoss leaned forward, beads of sweat glistening on his forehead. There ain't nothin' to be afraid of and . . . Mandy and Evelyn, they deserve more.He closed his eyes, set his jaw, and convinced his foot to take him one step closer to healing. But as his boot hit the ground, his confidence was shattered by a sudden, sharp cry. "Evie!" He spun around, his eyes lifted to the open window in the bedroom above. "Evie."
Staggering, he steadied himself against the post as the sound grew louder. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes as his daughter's cries changed into laughter – the evil, self-satisfied laughter of Jackson Findley. Hoss turned on his heels, his heart pounding, eyes wide with terror. "No! It ain't real!" he shouted as the cackling once again became his little girl's cries. With one final, angry glance at the barn, Hoss flung the front door open and rushed into the room, slowing just long enough to question his wife.
"Ain'tcha heard Evie?" Hoss barked, his eyes blazing.
Stunned, Amanda hurried to the foot of the stairs. "Yes, Hoss, but . . ."
"When my daughter cries," Hoss yelled harshly, grabbing the baluster with both hands, "I 'xpect ya ta go to her!" Bounding up the staircase, Hoss left his shocked family behind.
Amanda hid her face, speaking toward the floor. "Ex . . . excuse me. I need to . . . I should . . . Excuse me."
Ben reached for his daughter-in-law. "Amanda." He watched helplessly as she gathered her skirts in her fists and dashed upstairs. With one hand on his hip, Ben ran the other through his hair.
"What do you suppose brought that about?" Adam asked as he stepped next to his father.
"Hoss had no call to talk to her like that," Joe insisted as he started up the stairs.
Ben took hold of Joe's arm, stalling him on the second step. "Joseph, come back down. We mustn't interfere."
"Interfere? The man that went up those stairs isn't acting like my brother, and he certainly isn't behaving like your son! Ever since he came back, Hoss isn't Hoss anymore!"
"Joseph . . ."
"I lost him once," Joe interrupted, looking from his father to Adam and back again. "We lost him. It was nothing short of a miracle that brought him back. And I, for one, am not gonna stand by and watch while my brother disappears again!"
Adam folded his arms across his chest. "Joe, what Hoss had to endure when Findley's men were holding him . . . I can't begin to imagine, but I do know a little bit about it. Believe me, Joe, Hoss has some demons to conquer."
Joe faced his father and brother, his eyes anxious and confused. "Findley's dead, Adam. I'd call that conquered." Ben stole a glance at Adam, and their expressions frightened Joe. "Pa always taught us to help one another. Together, we stand strongest!"
Adam faced his youngest brother. "You're right, Joe, but Findley's only part of it. Hoss has a lot of adjusting to do." Adam flinched as memories of Kane washed over him, and he folded his arms across his chest to mask the shudder. "And we can be there to steady Hoss when he wobbles, to catch him when he falls. But Hoss is the one who has to come to terms with everything Findley put him through." Adam's eyes trailed up the stairs, and his brother and father's couldn't help but follow.
At the end of the upstairs hallway, Amanda paced, her hands fretting as embarrassment quickly swelled into anger. She'd never seen Hoss so upset, and the raised voices in the bedroom were frightening their child. When the voices subsided, her daughter's cries faded, but the quiet did nothing to calm Amanda's temper. I know he's haunted, day and night, but I thought he was healing. I thought . . . But this? Amanda glared at the door. This is just too much!
Amanda gripped the doorknob and stormed into the room. "It's enough that you're insisting that Evelyn and I can't leave the house, but don't you ever dare to suggest that I'd neglect . . ."
"I was wrong." Gently, Hoss handed his daughter into Hop Sing's waiting arms.
Amanda stuttered, her breath catching in her throat.
Hoss thrust his hands into his trouser pockets and stared at the floor. "Hop Sing done told me he offered to see to Evie." He lifted his eyes to hers. "But Amanda, you shoulda been the one tending her."
Hop Sing bounced Evie as he walked toward her cradle. "Missy Evelyn no like diaper change. Hop Sing tell Mister Hoss, hear little one make happy sounds, Hop Sing come right away. Hop Sing change diaper, little one make much noise. Eyes closed when she cry. Diaper change over, open eyes, see her pa, little one smile, happy now." He leaned forward, about to lay the baby in her cradle when Amanda's unexpected request sent him scurrying out of the room.
"Hop Sing, would you please take Evelyn down to her grandpa?"
Hoss was still angry, but he looked everywhere, avoiding Amanda's eyes and the look of disappointment he sensed on her face. It wasn't until Hop Sing closed the door behind him that Hoss bore the rage behind her disappointment.
"Mandy, I . . ." The intensity of Amanda's glare caught Hoss off guard, and his words took refuge in his mind and his heart.
"Mydaughter?"
Hoss furrowed his brow and took a cautious step in her direction. "I don't understand."
"My. . . daughter."
Hoss shook his head. "I don't know . . ."
"That's what you called Evelyn. 'My daughter.' I believe your exact words were, 'When mydaughter cries, I expect you to go to her!'" Amanda swiped harshly at the tears marring her cheeks. "She's our daughter, Hoss. Not yours, not mine. Ours!" Hoping to hide the rawness of her pain, Amanda started across the room, brushing past Hoss and shirking from his reach. "And if you think I could ever neglect our child, harm her in any way, you don't know me at all!"
Hoss turned to see Amanda's silhouette framed in the window's morning sun. "I know you would never hurt Evie, 'n' what I said downstairs, I . . ."
"What you said downstairs, you said in front of your father and your brothers!" Amanda spun around to face him. "Do you know how embarrassing that was, Hoss? What must they think? That I shirk my responsibilities as Evie's mama? That I'm a devoted little wife who takes orders from her husband? That all I'm capable of doing is tending to yourdaughter? I can't even step outside, Hoss! It's as if I'm some sort of . . . prisoner!"
Amanda regretted her words the moment they left her lips. She hid her face in her hands, tears spilling down her cheeks as she stepped toward Hoss. "Oh, Hoss, I'm sorry. I didn't mean . . ."
Pain exploded in Hoss's head and he gasped as his vision clouded. He clenched his eyes, and the cloud cleared to reveal an evil face where Amanda's had been. "You're my prisoner, Cartwright!"The shape distorted as the room wavered to and fro. "Amanda is mine, Cartwright! I'll get her, right here in this house, I'll get her and she'll be mine!"Hoss grabbed his head as he staggered backward. He blinked frantically, over and over again and still, the face of Jackson Findley stood in the window before him.