A/N: And I thought the last chapter was difficult to write… this one has been the hardest so far. An apology in advance for any mistakes that you may find, it had never been so difficult for me to think in English.
I hope you like what happens here, despite it is far from what most of you have expected.
*Heads up* The kidnapper will come back, you can be sure of it, but not just yet ;)
Thanks so very much for taking the time to read the story, if you have the chance, let me know your thoughts on this chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.
Chapter 10
Ever so slowly, Amanda turned, a harsh vision of the possibilities that awaited her invaded her mind. She chastised herself for not carrying her gun. She had promised to carry it with her no matter what and yet, she had broken her promise. Once again, she was defenceless. Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard, more aware than ever that she was not fit to fight, but willing to do everything in her power to defend herself.
Pressing her back against the door, she opened her eyes, and her breath was caught in her throat, her heart pounding in her ears as she jumped slightly upon seeing him, her hands shaking from bracing herself for something that never came.
"What are you doing here? You scared the hell out of me!" She said, trying to recover from the shock.
"This is my house, remember?" Nick saw her like she had grown two heads.
"Of course I do, but you were supposed to be in Washington." Amanda was trying hard to get her heart rate back to normal after the scare a few second ago.
"And you were supposed to be at Fin's." Nick answered, an accusatory tone in his voice.
Amanda regarded him for a minute. She could tell, by Nick's body language, that he was pissed. Maybe Maria had cancelled or pulled something at Nick that prevented him from being with Zara, but that wasn't her fault.
Amanda was about to ask him what had prevented him from visiting his daughter, but he cut her off.
"There's some Italian in case you're hungry. But, considering you had lunch a couple of hours ago, maybe you're not hungry yet." Glancing at his watch, he said as he turned to leave, his voice laced with bitterness.
Amanda caught him half way to his room, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of the water. How on earth did he know she had had lunch a few hours ago?
"How do you know that?" She asked, grabbing him by his arm.
"What?" He turned around to look down at her over his shoulder, "that you had lunch already? The same way I know that you have just had the time of your life with your friend the doctor." He shrugged, pulling away from her touch.
Amanda looked at him, not quite believing what he had just said. Nick had decided to follow her instead of spending the weekend with his daughter as he had planned.
"Wait a minute, you followed me?" Amanda asked in disbelief. She wasn't really surprised by his actions, but by the fact that he had preferred to spend his day following her than with his kid.
Nick shook his head, before turning to look her in the eyes, his hands on his hips. "I did." He answered defiantly. No matter what Fin and Amanda had said, he wasn't making the same mistake twice.
"The doctor got himself a very nice place. I could tell how happy and proud you were walking by his side and talking to him while enjoying your picnic." Nick's voice was laced with venom. He had followed them into Winter's family property. It was a great place and Nick was envious, and angry, not because of Winters' wealth, but because he got to spend the day with Amanda.
"Why don't you mind your own business.?" Throwing her hands up, she asked, clearly exasperated by his intrusion.
"You are my business, I'm supposed to keep you safe, remember?" Nick's voice raising a few octaves.
"I was safe." Amanda said, her voice barely audible in contrast with his as her mind analyzed what he had just said. He considered her his business, definitely not the answer she had expected.
"Of course you were, with such a guy, he's wealthy, maybe you noticed it and you thought that maybe, with a guy like him, you won't need to gamble again."
Turning to look at him, she felt her blood boiling with anger. "You are … I can't believe you're telling me this." She shook her head in disbelief, that was a low blow, one that she never thought Nick capable of. Taking a step forward, she raised her eyes to meet his. "Just so you know, I've never gambled for the money. In fact, every time, I've done everything to pay my debts. I gamble for the thrill of it, to feel alive. Have you ever felt alive about something, Nick? She asked him, her voice deathly low.
Levelling his gaze at her evenly, he tightened his jaw as he felt her words landing deep within him, her question leaving him out of words.
Tense silence fell between them and Nick didn't dare to fill it, but Amanda wasn't willing to finish the conversation just yet. Taking a few steps back, Amanda spoke first. "Well, I release you from your duty, if it turns out to be such a burden.
"I didn't say that." Nick said, in a softer tone, his mind still processing her words, wondering if he had ever felt alive.
"You don't need to. And please, stop following me around." Amanda said, her voice harsh.
"I don't want you to get in troubles." Nick said, his voice even, not wanting to continue arguing with her.
"I told you once and I say it again, you are not my father. Don't act as you were." She said sternly.
Nick shook his head in disbelief, "the problem with you is that, you're not used to be loved, nobody has ever really taken care after you, which is why you are always so defensive", and this time, he was the one who turned around first, leaving Amanda standing in the living room. Her heart racing still from the scare that he gave her first and them for the argument they've just had.
She couldn't believe that he had preferred to follow her than to spend the weekend with Zara. She knew just how important Zara is for him. Why would he do such stupid thing?
Amanda wanted to be mad, but deep down she couldn't. Nick was right and it killed her to accept it. It didn't make sense. She shouldn't be mad at him, all he had wanted was to make sure that she was okay, that was not a valid reason to be mad at someone, and yet, she was.
Feeling like the conversation between her and Nick wasn't finished, she decided to follow him into his room. Knocking at the door she waited for a response, but when she got none, she pushed the door open. Entering his bedroom, she stood by the door, looking around in search of Nick, but she soon realized that he wasn't there as she heard the water from the shower running. The image of Nick naked sending shivers of desire to her body. Feeling anticipation building in her stomach, she walked towards the bathroom door and placed her hand on the knob considering entering the room, but she jerked her hand away almost immediately. Shaking her head, she decided it was by far the most stupid idea, especially after what had just happened between them. They both had said harsh things to the other, and although she knew that make up sex was always great, she also knew that she and Nick were not together and therefore, not the best idea. Instead, she left Nick's room almost as quietly as she had entered.
Once back in Zara's room, Amanda considered taking her things and calling a cab to take her to Fin's house, but she knew it wasn't a good idea. It was too late already, Fin was probably asleep, or worse, he might be willing to know how her day was and she wasn't in the mood to share the day's events at the moment. So she decided to go Zara's room, spend the night and leave first thing in the morning.
Despite being a bit cold, she was more tired than anything, the events of the day having worn her off, she decided to wear her flannel shirt instead of wasting time changing into her pyjamas. Getting inside the covers, she reached for the stuffed dog Nick had given her and closed her eyes, ready to fall peacefully asleep.
As soon as Nick finished his shower, he went straight to bed. He was still upset about his argument with Amanda, he didn't want to argue with her anymore, but apparently, everything he did seemed to upset her, and not for the first time he thought that, maybe her decision of moving with Fin was for the best. This way, she would be more relaxed. Even when he suspected that, the only way in which she could be relaxed was when they were able to identify and catch her captor.
Closing his eyes, he decided the best thing he could do was to sleep. He had lied to Amanda the previous night, he hadn't slept much. The couch was not comfortable and the fact that they had argued as well, made his night even more difficult to bear. But he was hoping to finally be able to catch up on some sleep. After all, there was nothing he could do to fix things with her.
Amanda felt the bed shifting ever so slightly because of a weight change. She tried to move, but she was unable as she felt her hands being pinned against the mattress, the side of her face pressed against the pillow. She felt hot breath on her neck, and she tried to scream, but it was futile as there was a cloth in her mouth preventing her from doing so. Once again, her plea for help died in her throat.
Amanda felt like she couldn't breathe, she couldn't move, she had been immobilized. She tried to turn her face, but she couldn't. All she could see out from the corner of her eye was a human figure on top of her.
Her captor had found her. He was there and there was nothing she could do. This time, it was for real.
Closing her eyes shut, she started squirming under the body on top of her, in a desperate attempt to get free. "Get away from me" Don't touch me Get away! Let go of me." She screamed inside herself over and over again.
A heart ripping scream coming from Zara's bedroom, woke Nick with a start. Grabbing his gun instinctively, he sprinted to Zara's bedroom, his heart stopping in his chest, panic rising inside him as thoughts of the bastard that had hurt Amanda flooded his mind. He had followed her around to make sure that she was safe only to leave her alone at night. He should've stayed with her. What if the guy was there to finish what he started week ago?
Kicking the door open, his gun drawn and ready to take down whoever was threatening her, Nick found Amanda dashing on the bed, covered in sweat, the sheets tangled around her body. Her fingernails digging into her palms, her fists throwing punches everywhere. He wanted to wake her up, but first, he checked the bedroom and bathroom in case someone was there, but everything seemed to be in order, the windows were closed, the closet was empty, except for some of Zara's clothing, the bathroom was secured and he felt somehow relived upon realizing it was just one of Amanda's nightmares.
Securing his gun, he placed it on the table and gently came to Amanda's side. Brushing some strands of hair out of her face, he started calling her in a soft, soothing voice as the last thing he wanted was to startle her.
"Amanda, it's Nick, you're safe. C'mon open your eyes, you're safe."
It took Amanda some time to wake up and when she finally opened her eyes, she blinked quickly, moving away from Nick's touch as she processed what was going on, taking in her surroundings, she clutched the sheet with her hands, a howl still locked in her chest.
"He was here, I felt him, he was on top of me, he pressed his face against mine." Looking around in despair, she said in a rushed voice, the words stumbling over one another as she spoke.
Amanda started rubbing her cheek raw with the sheet, trying to wipe away the feeling of her captor's touch.
"Hey, don't do that, you're gonna hurt yourself", Nick said, taking her hand gently into both his hands.
"It's okay. He wasn't here. There's no one here Amanda. I checked already". Nick said in a reassuring voice.
"He was, I know he was, I know, I know." Amanda said, her eyes scanning the room for any evidence that might support her theory.
Jerking her hand away from his, she bent her knees up against her chest and hugged herself as tightly as possible as she started rocking herself back and forth. Her body racked with violent shivers, memories of her torture making their way to the surface once again.
Seeing her body shake uncontrollably, Nick wrapped his arms around her, trying to steady her as she clung to him for comfort.
Nick didn't know what to do. She was entering into trance and that was the last thing he wanted or needed.
"Hey, I'm going to check the rest of the house okay, stay here, I'll be right back." Taking his gun he left her already shaky frame on the bed, tears running down her face.
As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew they were stupid as she was in no condition to move.
After clearing the house, he went back to her, and it broke his heart to find her in the same position.
"Amanda", coming closer, tentatively, he touched her arm. "It's okay, the house is safe," but his words fell on deaf ears as she continued rocking back and forth, her head resting on her knees.
"Do you need me to bring you something, some water or maybe tea?" Nick offered, trying to get her attention back. But Amanda didn't answer, instead, she kept asking to be left alone in a soft whisper, as if Nick wasn't in the room.
Looking around, Nick didn't know what to do. Running his hand along his face, he kneeled down and tried again.
"Hey, you need to relax a little. Everything is fine now. I'm gonna stay here for the rest of the night, okay. I'll sleep over there," he said, pointing to the small couch in his daughter's room, "Will you feel better if I do that?" He asked her, a ghost of a smile on his lips.
Once again, no response.
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, Nick slowly, sat down on Zara's bed and very carefully, rounded Amanda with his arm and hugged her against him. Nick didn't know how long they remained in that position, but when he felt a bit uncomfortable he realized he needed to shift his position as most likely she was growing uncomfortable too.
"Why don't you lay down, maybe try to get some sleep."
"Can't sleep", she mumbled, "he was here, I know he was."
The words kept coming like a mantra and Nick didn't know how to convince her that she was wrong.
"It was just a nightmare, Amanda." Nick said, rubbing the back of her hand.
"No, it wasn't." She shook her head against his shoulder.
"Amanda, the house is safe, try to relax, please. " Nick tried again, rubbing her back gently while he thought what to do next.
He considered staying with Amanda in Zara's bedroom but the bed, as Amanda has pointed out before, was too small and so was the couch next to the little girl's bed, not to mention that the pillow was drenched in cold sweat. Nick considered changing the bed sheets, but it would take a lot of time and where would he put Amanda in the meantime, she didn't even want to move from her spot.
It didn't take him long to make up his mind. "C'mon is not an option to sleep here tonight." Nick said, as he lifted her bridal style and brought her to his bed. Sure, that she was going to be much more comfortable than on the couch in the living room.
As he lifted her in his arms, he could smell her scent, a sweet aroma that permeated his senses.. She smelled like fresh baked vanilla cookies and he knew it wasn't her shampoo. He breathed her in as he deposited her on his bed.
When he tried to lay her down, he noticed that, Amanda's grip on his shirt was strong and he had no choice but to lie next to her on the bed until, eventually, her breath evened and her hold on him loosened.
Nick considered suggesting her to take a bath in order to relax, but he doubted her wobbly legs would cooperate as she was still pretty shaken by her nightmare.
Taking her hand in his, he lifted it to his lips and, brushing his lips against her fingers, he mumbled, "I'll be back"
Knowing that a bath or a shower were not an option, he thought about the second best thing he could do to help her feel better. So, he went to the kitchen, grabbed a clean towel, and brought some warm water to clean her with it. It was not a bath, but it was going to help her. Nick passed the towel over neck and her face, being extra careful with the delicate skin around her eyes.
As soon as he finished cleaning her, Nick put the bowl of water on the night table and turned to look at her. Amanda's gaze seemed to be lost in an abyss, as if her mind was detached from her body, drifting away in the shadows of her memories.
When he was about to stand from the bed, he felt Amanda grabbing him by his arm.
"I can't be alone right now, please, stay…" She said, turning slowly to look at him, her eyes full of fear.
Reaching over, Nick took her hand in his, playing with her fingers, measuring them against his larger ones.
"Amanda, I…" he stammered, unsure if he could give her the comfort she desperately needed.
Amanda looked up at Nick over her shoulder, the moonlight beams coming from the window, casting dazzling shimmer of light on her skin, making her look more beautiful than ever. "Please, Nick. Just tonight. Every time I am alone, I feel his presence. It only seems to go away when you are around. Please!" Amanda felt ashamed to accept it out loud, but she was so scared that she didn't mind opening herself a little.
Affection seeped through him, like a summer breeze, soft, gentle but firm and immovable upon listening to her words. A warm sensation spread through him like a light feather, gently shivering across his entire body. Amanda looked so lost and scared, and all he wanted was to protect her, but she was asking too much of him at the moment as he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it through the night without trying to cross a line with her. Looking intently into her eyes, Nick felt his resolve crumble. Nodding his head, he laid next to her on the bed and to his surprise, Amanda scrambled closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, the proximity evident and Nick couldn't resist putting his arm around her frame. Hugging her closer to him.
Amanda laid by his side perfectly still, her palm against his chest and her head resting on top, but he knew by the soft sound of her blinking and her breath intervals that she was awake. He felt her body tense with the remnants of fear from the nightmare she had woken up from.
"Nick, I've been thinking and… I know you don't believe me, but, this was not a nightmare, he was here. He came back for me." Her voice was flat and expressionless, as if she was giving a recipe.
"I checked the house", Nick said as he pulled her to his chest tighter. "There's no way in which he could have got himself in". He said, gently rubbing her arm up and down.
To his surprise, she didn't protest or tired to contradict him, instead, she continued.
"I think that what just happened cast some light into what happened to me, or rather, what didn't happen during my time with this man." She pursed her lips together and snuggled closer against him.
"What do you mean?" he asked, lowering his head so he could look at her.
"I… I…" Amanda hesitated before finding the courage to share her thoughts with Nick. "I don't know if it were because he was unable to or because he didn't want to, but I'm positive now, he didn't rape me. I don't remember what exactly he did to me, though. I know he beat me, he cut me, he… did many things", she said, shaking her head as if trying to get rid of the memories lurking in her mind and heart. "But that, you know already." Her voice above a whisper.
The room fell silent, there was only the sound of their breathing and Amanda regretted having shared this with Nick, maybe it wasn't something that he wanted to know. "Sorry, I just, I felt like I needed to say it out loud, and, I needed to share it with you."
While she spoke, he could feel her cold hand, making its way under his white t-shirt. The tip of her fingers forming circular patterns in his chest.
He wanted to tell her that she didn't need to explain herself. That she didn't need to tell him all those things, but he figured that she needed to talk, and he was happy that she felt comfortable enough to share that with him, from all the people, he was glad to be there to listen to her. Even when at the moment, it was becoming difficult to form sentences as the feeling of her skin so close to his was making it impossible for him.
"Amanda… I." His breath caught in his throat at the feel of her hand against his bare chest, her touch leaving a trail of fire over his skin.
Sensing what her touch was doing to his body, she found the courage to voice the thoughts she hadn't dared to speak aloud before. "Nick, I am not sharing this with you because I am ashamed of what happened or because I blame myself. I do know it wasn't my fault, you know? The reason why I'm doing it is because I want to be with you." She said, her words barely audible despite the silence in the room. Tipping her eyes up at him, she looked intently into his eyes. "You won't hurt me, I promise. But tonight, I need you, I want you" Her voice a bit shaky but firm.
She wasn't sure if he had rejected her before only because he was worried about hurting her or because he thought she wasn't worthy, but despite she was risking to be rejected again, she also knew Nick was the only man with whom she wanted and needed to be at the moment.
Nick looked intently into her eyes, he could see the desire and pain written all over them, clear as captions on a screen. All he wanted was to protect her, to help her. He wanted nothing more but to erase what had happened to her, to bring back the spark in her beautiful blue eyes, but, on the other hand, he felt like a total jerk, as he wasn't sure if his body was responding to her touch and closeness, or to his own repressed desire, one that he had tried hard to keep hidden deep down and that, now, it seemed to match the one making its way through her eyes.
Leaning forward, her face inches away from his, her breath fanning his skin, she spoke softly. "Please, Nick," before brushing her lips against his.
Nick did his best to ignore the desire building up inside him, to avoid succumbing into her kiss. He didn't want to hurt her, but the feeling of her soft lips on his was proving to be too much.
"Amanda…" He called her name one last time in a futile attempt to stop what was already in motion. To pull away, to voice again his concerns about this being such a bad idea, but she cut him off capturing his mouth with hers, hungry with desire and pent up passion, pushing him all the way down on the mattress with her body
As her lips moved over his, soft and gentle, like a siren chant dragging him into the sea, he couldn't resist the invitation and he swept his tongue over her lower lip. He heard her gasp when he finally gave in, shutting his eyes before deepening the kiss.
Desperation and self-consciousness had driven her to seduce Nick, in a desperate attempt to erase her captor's touch of her lips and body. But when she felt Nick so close to her, his lips in such intimate contact with hers, other feelings started to invade her body; it wasn't about erasing another man's touch, it was about imprinting her skin with Nick's gentle touch.
Breaking the contact of their lips, Nick moved lower, licking and nibbling along her jaw line. Needing to get her closer, to feel her warm body underneath his, he shifted, rolling her onto her back. Nick looked at her face as if he were appraising a painting as he started unbuttoning her shirt. Trailing wet kisses along her exposed skin.
Closing her eyes, now it was Amanda who couldn't move or think clearly, he couldn't breathe, or do anything else except feel. Amanda took a deep breath as she felt his fingers on her bare skin, her heartbeats speeding with each button that he opened. But, when he was about to pull open the last buttons of her shirt, she suddenly stopped him by covering his hand with hers.
Upon feeling her hand in his, Nick immediately turned his attention back to her face, her eyes wide open in a mix of shame and horror. And it worried him that he might have hurt her. Was his touch reminding her of her captor?
"You don't have to". She said, looking away and focusing on trailing kisses along his jaw line instead. She didn't want to break the moment, but she didn't want him to see something that would make him feel uncomfortable.
It took him a few moments to understand her words. Looking down to where her hand was clasped in his, he raised his eyes to meet hers. He considered telling her what he thought about her concerns, instead, he decided to show her exactly how he felt. Looking steadily into her eyes, he entwined his fingers with hers and, with his free hand, he reached out to cup her face, moving it so she could see him straight into his eyes as he opened the remaining buttons and, before shrugging the shirt of her arms, he trailed wet kisses on her abdomen, kissing each and every scar and remaining bruise, paying special attention to the scar on her abdomen, lavishing it, showing her with actions, rather than words, that her scars were never a reason not to want her.
Once he finished, he made his way up to her face and, looking into her eyes once again, he was granted by one of the most beautiful sights, as he saw a film of moisture over her eyes and he could tell that he didn't need to say anything, his actions had been clear. Her eyes were alive with relief and happiness
Amanda felt alive and immensely happy, her heart swelled in such a way that she found hard to draw a breath at the way he had kissed her scarred skin.
"You are so beautiful, Amanda," he whispered in her ear before returning to her face, to capture her lips once again. But it wasn't enough. Biting her lip in anticipation, she tried to help him out of his shirt, but she cursed under her breath when she was unable to.
"Are you dirty talking to me?" He smiled gamely.
Smiling seductively, she shook her head. "I can't lift it". She said, whispering in his ear as she bit at his earlobe, getting a moan out of Nick. Deep down though, she was feeling like an idiot, she was usually the one who liked to take the lead, to be the aggressive one, but she realized that her body was not ready to be the way it used to. Though she hoped that the next time, things would be different. She rolled her eyes, the next time… she hadn't even started and she was already thinking about a next time.
Quickly, he took off his shirt and threw it across the room before returning his full Attention to Amanda..
"Make love to me, Nick." She said, nibbling his shoulder blade. "I want to feel your hands on me. I need to feel you inside me."
Nick looked at her, worried that, she was doing this just to forget about what happened to her, he did want to help her, he wanted to be with her, but he was worried that he might end up hurting her more.
Looking intently into his brown depths she hushed him seductively. "Shh... It is not about him, it is about me, it is about us," she corrected, before capturing him in a more tender yet full of passion kiss.
Once again, she proved to be able to read him like an open book and that both scared him and intrigued him.
He would make love to her until the remaining pain disappeared from her eyes and was replaced by happy memories of the two of them.
They were so wrapped in one another that, neither of them noticed that they're being watched from the outside.
Through the window, he could make out their silhouettes rather than any distinguishing figures, but he knew all the same that it was them, his bird and her lover. The curtains playing as a veil that add mysticism and magic to the viewer outside, making him angrier every passing second.
He saw how, at first, they were only kissing. Then, their bodies started moving in an intimate dance, the flowing curtains, casting a unique effect, the silhouettes perfectly defined and he felt the rage bubble inside him.. After all he had risked for her, how could his bird betray him? Clutching the stuffed animal in both hands, he twisted it, pouring all his hatred and rage on the innocent stuffed dog. He felt his head about to explode, his undying love turning into pure hatred.
How could she do that to him?
He slapped at his head, rocking back and forth. He should've never let her go. She was a traitor, she had betrayed him.
He saw their bodies dancing the most ancient dance, their body language screaming desire with every move, but he could sense, even from the distance, that such desire was mingled with more feelings, stronger feelings, love even maybe. He didn't know as he had never felt that before, but he knew that what he felt when he saw them was so strong that he couldn't label it. He wasn't sure if it was pure, strong desire or if there was some connection, some love making thrown into the mix, all he knew was that, what happened between his bird and her lover was so strong that he could feel it from the distance.
He knew he should've left after the first time they climaxed together, but he couldn't help staying as each time they kissed or caressed, the way they moved in sync fed his anger even more.
He would kill them, his bird and her lover would join his other victims. But the question was, who he would kill fist? Should he take his time with her while her man watched or the other way around?
"No," rubbing his face, he shook his head, that would be predictable and risky. No, he would get what he wants one way or another. He would let one of them live with the guilt, suffering for its lost love knowing itself responsible for what happened to the other.
As the torn stuffed animal fell from his hands and onto the ground, its fibbers discarded and broken, he walked away from the window. His revenge taking a form in his twisted, jealous mind.
She… They were going to pay for this….
tbc…