-CH.10 I don't belong here
Blackmill-Friend
Her feet kick at the ground with such veracity that her tears are flying off the sides of her face with out touching her cheeks. Her legs are burning but she keeps pumping her arms. She picks up speed every time she feels like stopping.
When she can't feel her legs and when her breath can't catch up to her fervor she collapses. Green grass fills her hands as she tugs at the ground. She lets out a huge scream and rips the earth from its home. On her knees she falls forward hitting her forehead to the ground. She pounds her hands into the grass.
Bam
Bam
She releases all her anger and sadness that has been building up for a long time. Since Costia, Lexa always held her composure and would barely let anything bother her… until today. Clarke was able to take down those barriers just by one look. She made Lexa feel everything all at once. Everything was so intense with Clarke, to where she didn't know what to do with her feelings half the time, which ones to keep in and which ones to let out.
Lexa falls back, sitting on her heels. She looks up toward the sky and catches her breath. The sky always calmed Lexa. Ever since she was a kid, she would climb the tallest building she could find. She would lie there on the roof, watching the stars and the satellites make their way across the night.
Not knowing where she is now, she looks around. She had run to North-Den U in the middle of the rugby pitch. She lifts one leg up and then the other and makes her way to a familiar place. Her hands grip at a ladder, drawing her knuckles to white as she steps up each step. She climbs the scaffolding of the scoreboard until reaching the level where she can inch underneath the board. She falls on her stomach gasping for air. She flashes back to the day before Playoffs.
January 2, 2013 (about 3 years ago)
-Laughter is the prominent sound emerging from Lexa's apartment. It was early in the morning as Lexa turns over and grabs her phone off the nightstand.
"Ugh, I have practice in a few hours." A hand extends along her arm from under the sheets and grabs Lexa's hand to bring her back under.
"Did you say a few more hours? That is plenty of time," Costia whispers into the brunette's ear. Lexa rolls her eyes with a smile.
"Don't you have practice too? We ARE rivals you know. Playoffs are tomorrow!"
The other girl laughs as she moves to place her legs on both sides of Lexa's waist. Straddling her as she leans in and kisses her passionately.
"I love you Woodsy. Whatever happens, know that...I do" Her voice is a little shaky as she utters the last part.
Lexa smiles and puts her hands on Costia's hips. " I can't imagine being without you"
Costia smiles wildly. She hears a phone beep in her pants on the floor and her mood shifts. Lexa holds her from getting off and says, "No… don't answer it this time."
Costia turns and looks twisted. " I have to…"
Lexa knew she had secrets and she was used to her texting at awkward moments. Costia had told her it was her sponsor. If she didn't respond then she would come looking for her. Costia had a dark past and alcohol was the only thing that helped her through it for a long while. She has been sober for a year. Lexa didn't know her then but she always asked Costia to tell her everything. She never gave in but Lexa didn't mind. Costia was her first real girlfriend and she wanted anything she was willing to give her. Lexa never had trouble finding dates and would most often have to say no to most of them, especially to the men that would obsess over her. She would rarely find solace in the dates she would bring home, however far and few between they were.
6:49am
Nia: Do it.
Costia threw her phone down on the ground and fell back onto the bed. She looks up toward the ceiling and inhales deeply. Lexa notices the mood change and she sits up on one arm, the sheets wrapped around her chest.
"What's wrong?" She searches Costia's face for any inkling as to what just happened.
"We have been going steady for almost a year Costia, talk to me…"
Costia closes her eyes and tears begin to emerge from the corners.
Lexa notices and scoots close so her body is pressed up against the side of hers.
Costia shakes her head as she cries silently.
"Please…" Costia had told her she was bi-polar and Lexa understood the disorder. She never pried too hard when Costia would switch moods on a dime. She was patient and kind, usually.
Costia turns to face Lexa and she stares into her green eyes. Like she was savoring the moment. After a few minutes of gazing into each other's eyes, Costia suddenly gets up and starts to get dressed.
"Wait, Where are you going?" Lexa swallows and proceeds to dress as well.
" I have to go, something has come up." Costia slips on her bra and she begins searching for her shirt. Lexa sees her shirt, picks it up and walks over to her.
Costia looks at Lexa's worried face and curtly says, "thank you" while grabbing the shirt from Lexa's hand.
Lexa sighs and slips on some shorts and walks into the kitchen with her sports bra as a top. She has to eat something before practice because she hasn't eaten anything since yesterday. Costia has kept her very distracted. She was very good at taking her away from her responsibilities. As she was making avocado toast, Costia's hands come up from behind and wrap themselves around Lexa's waist.
"I'm sorry," she whispers as she sways Lexa side to side. Lexa is tired of Costia always running off and being shady about where she goes.
"Sorry for what Costia?" Lexa spits trenchantly, still making her toast. Costia releases her grip and steps to the side so she can look at her face.
"Woah… Hey…"
Lexa puts down her knife and discernably turns her head to look at Costia.
"Why are you always running off huh? Where do you go? I never ask and I don't question you. But something doesn't feel right. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of being the one that bends to your every move when I am left suffering for it"
Costia's eyes fall to stare down at the counter as Lexa expresses her discontent.
"I wait in the background for you and when you return you are like a different person. I have to warm you up and it gets exhausting Costia. You won't meet my friends and I have to defend you all the time to them. You keep me here in a neat space only to let me out when you return."
When Lexa feels she isn't paying attention she steps passed her with her toast in hand and sits down at the table.
"Fine, LEAVE!" Lexa yells.
Costia sighs and turns to walk toward the door.
"I'll call you later…" she says as she twists the knob. She hesitates waiting for Lexa to reply. When she doesn't, Costia slams the door behind her.
Lexa shoves the plate of food away from her, no longer carrying an appetite. She puts her head into her hands in anger. Her eyes are dry as she tries to cry. Tears don't come. Frustrated she heads back to the bedroom and flops on the bed. After moments of thought Lexa hears a faint ding. She goes to her nightstand and looks at her phone.
No messages.
She shrugs and sits back down on the bed. A moment later she hears another ding. Confused she starts pulling her sheets off the bed, kicking clothes around, and then a phone skids across her wood floor.
Ding
It is Costia's phone. She bends down and picks up the phone. Lexa sits back down on the bed and stares at it before pressing the home button.
New Message- Nia (3)
Nia is the captain of the South-Den U rugby team so it is not too strange that she would be texting Costia. But something in Lexa's gut tells her to look further into it. Lexa swipes to unlock the phone but it prompted her for a passcode. Lexa hesitates and thinks about what she is doing. She remembers Costia unlocking her phone one morning while lying on Lexa's chest, she wanted to look up the weather for that day. With out realizing it, Lexa had watched her press the numbers. Since then she had always knew her passcode but never felt the need to snoop, until now.
Lexa enters in the numbers to unlock the phone. To her surprise it clicked open to the conversation she wanted to see.
6:49am
Nia: Do it.
7:01am
Nia: Costia? You know what has to be done.
7:10am
Nia: STOP IGNORING ME! I will come over there and do it for you!
Nia: She is part of the plan Costia. You are mine and you remember that!
Lexa's heart stops beating.
"What the fuck?" She says out loud. She quickly gives her attention back to the phone perplexed.
She scrolls up in the conversation to read more.
December 28th, 2013
She tries to scroll further back but there is nothing there. Costia obviously deletes the conversation frequently.
12/28/2013
2:13pm
Nia: What are you doing?
Costia: I am out getting lunch.
Nia: With her?
Costia: For her, she is out with Anya getting new gear. We are meeting back at her place afterwards.
Nia: I miss you.
Costia: I know babe. I miss you too.
Nia: I wish you were here. Christmas was not the same with out you. I love you.
2:25pm
Nia: Costia…
Nia: Do you still love me?
2:36pm
Costia: Of course Nia… you are my queen.
Nia: I can't stand being away from you. Come over tonight?
Costia: I am not sure I can.
Nia: Why not? I never get to see you anymore.
Costia: You see me everyday at practice Nia…
Nia: That doesn't count. I have to be a leader there, not your girlfriend! Ever since you have quit drinking to be with her, you have become a different person. I will tell her everything and then I bet you will come over.
Yuna-Lullabies
Lexa looks up from reading and finds her fists clenching the sheets. She doesn't know what to do. Her breathing grows heavy as she stands up. Confusion floods her mind.
"What the fuck, What the fuck?!"Are the only words she can muster.
She remembers that day; Costia was out getting lunch while Anya was treating Lexa to new gear for the Playoffs coming up. Lexa and Costia had just spent Christmas together in Texas. During winter break for school, they went on a road tip. They visited rivers, caverns, and lakes. It was when Costia told Lexa she loved her and Lexa didn't respond, leading them into a fight. Lexa got home at 2:30 and Costia had showed up shortly after. She remembers Costia acting weird when she arrived with lunch. She was texting in the kitchen while Lexa was in the living room setting up their lunches in front of the T.V.
"Come sit down and eat! It is going to get cold Cos," Lexa says as she stares toward the kitchen. "Yeah, Coming..." Costia says over her should, opening the fridge to grab two bottles of water.
She read on with anger in her heart.
2:37pm
Costia: Stop, I will do it! I will try okay?
Nia: Try hard. Remember why you are there and who you are Costia.
Costia: Okay.
Nia: I love you more than anything. I know what this is doing to you and I will make it up to you I promise.
Lexa remembers at this time Costia walks into the living room and sets the two bottles of water on the table.
"Sorry about that babe, my sponsor needed some advice."
"Its fine, I just don't get why you have to be so secretive all the time." Lexa says while grabbing the remote, trying to find a show to watch. She lands on the Walking Dead and hits play. She looks over to Costia and she is sitting there staring at the floor.
"What are you thinking about?"
Costia jolts out of her daze and forces a smile on her face.
"What? Nothing, I just love being with you. I don't want to lose you." Costia sits back on the couch and sighs. Lexa smiles and grabs Costia's legs to pull them over her lap. "Then be with me." Lexa leans in and kisses Costia on the lips. It was a soft and quick kiss. "Now, can we please eat? I am starving!"
Costia giggles and says, "Go ahead, I am not that hungry." Lexa frowns but leans over and grabs her noodles and dives in.
Ding
Lexa remembers hearing her phone go off again and Costia opening it up nervously looking up at her and then back down at her phone.
2:48pm
Nia: Costia?
2:49pm
Costia: I love you too Nia. Please, stop texting me. She is getting suspicious.
Nia: You are mine, not hers. Just hold on for a few more days.
Lexa can't stand to read anymore and runs to the bathroom feeling sick to her stomach. She drops Costia's phone as she grabs the toilet rim and throws up.
She feels her body trying to purge the last year out of her system.
As she lifts herself up to the counter, she hears a knock at the door.
Her heart begins to race and she doesn't know what to do. That must be Costia coming back for her phone.
Do I pretend I hadn't read those messages or do I confront her and admit she looked through her phone?
"Fuck this…" Lexa storms out of the bathroom grabbing the cell phone off the floor. Before she could open the door Costia was walking in, "Hey, I forgot my phone." Costia walks by Lexa barely glancing at her as she heads to the bedroom.
Lexa stands still trying to breath steady. Costia is looking for her cellphone and yells out," Have you seen it babe?"
Lexa winces and wonders how she could call her babe.
How could she be this cavalier? They had built a life together.Who can be this cruel? What is this plan her and Nia had? Lexa had all these questions swarming through her head to choose from. She didn't know where to begin.
Costia gives up in the bedroom and comes out into the living room, "Lexa?" Lexa lifts her hand up and shows Costia she had her phone. Costia takes a small step backward and took a deep breath, looking at the phone and then to Lexa's face.
"What's wrong Lex?" She says with worried eyes staying in the hallway.
Lexa's stares at her in disbelief and murmurs, "Who ARE you?!"
Costia realizes that she must have looked in her phone but tries to play it off.
"What? Lexa, I don't understand." Walking up to grey eyes with her shoulders lifted trying to play innocent. "Why are you acting like this?"
Lexa steps away from her and puts a hand straight up as to request silence. She grits her jaw and clenches the phone tight.
"Lexa?! What is the matter!?" Costia's voice is shaking. She tries to remember if she deleted her messages from Nia or not but soon gets the answer.
"I doubt you care Costia. Were you headed to your girlfriends house until you realized that you left your phone at mine?!" Lexa's voice was low but stable.
Costia accepts that she can't play this off and walks into the living room to lean against the couch. "You went through my phone?!"
"DOES THAT EVEN MATTER NOW?!"
Costia cowers at the sound of Lexa yelling. "What the hell is going on Costia?! EXPLAIN THIS!" Lexa opens up the texts and charges toward Costia to shove it in her face. Costia's eyes are watering now as she tries to grab the phone from her. But Lexa quickly pulls it away from her attempt and throws it as hard as she can against the wall behind her. "FUCK YOU!" she screams inches from Costia's face, as it shatters intopieces. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME…ALL THIS TIME…" Lexa's eyes are dry but furious. Her veins are popping out on the side of her temple.
Costia gasps at the sound of her phone against the wall and lifts her hands to defend herself. Cowering at Lexa, she closes her eyes and waits for impact.
"WHAT? YOU THINK IM GOING TO HIT YOU?" Lexa asks standing on her toes.
Costia shrugs her shoulders and mutters, "I am used to being hit when I deserve it."
"What the fuck Costia? I DON'T FUCKING HIT WOMEN!" Lexa says while turning away from her disgusted. She takes a deep breath. "Answer me Costia. What is the plan?!"
Costia sits down on the arm of the couch and begins to sob. "Lexa, I am so sorry. I don't deserve you. You are so wonderful and I am an awful person. I can't stand it sometimes. I am so sorry."
Lexa turns to her and inquires, "Are you EVEN bi-polar, Are you EVEN in AA or did you just tell me that because you are living two lives and needed excuses to cover up your bullshit?"
Costia shrugs and looks down in shame.
"Oh my god!" Lexa paces back and forth with her hands pulling at her own hair. "You are unbelievable. This whole year has been a lie!" Costia looks up and steps near the pacing girl and pleas. "No… Lexa. It wasn't ALL a lie. It started off as…" She trails off, trying to find the words to explain her horridness.
"It started off as what? A joke? A sick fucking plan that you and Nia had to ruin me before finals?" Lexa scoffs at the idea but realizes that is just like Nia, sick and twisted.
"She sent her own girlfriend to seduce her enemy in order to sabotage a fucking game?!"
Costia's eyes are red and full of water, nodding.
"This is MY LIFE!" she cries. Lexa glares at Costia in utter abhorrence. "You are sick! This... I…" Lexa now has tears in her eyes and is shaking her head. She shifts her eyes at Costia and puts her knuckle in her mouth biting it and thinks.
'I let this girl in my bed!'
Lexa starts putting all the pieces together, all the secrets, hiding, and texting at the worst moments. She feels like a complete fool.
Costia takes this pause to speak, "Lexa… I do love you. It started off that way but I have been thinking about breaking up with Nia. I couldn't go through with it but she kept threatening to tell you herself. That is why I left abruptly, to go talk to Nia" She puts her hand on Lexa's arm to reassure her.
Lexa flinches her off and takes her hand away from her mouth to bark, "FUCK OFF COSTIA, are you crazy?!"
Costia recoils and begins to sob. "GET OUT!" Lexa screams. Costia doesn't move and looks up at Lexa flaring in front of her.
The Ting Tings- Shut up and Let me Go
"no" Costia whimpers backing up to sit on the arm of the couch again.
"NO?!" She stares at Costia not moving for a bit and then retreats into the bedroom. She returns with everything of Costia's in her arms. She drops it all on the floor: letters, clothes, and pictures in frames, CD's, jewelry, shoes, and even toiletries.
"LOOK AT THIS... ALL…OF… THIS… LIES!" Lexa lifts each item as she utters these words. Tears now falling languidly. Costia just sits there on the edge of the couch.
Lexa opens the door and she picks up each item one by one and starts throwing it out the door. "GET…" She tosses a picture out the door. " THE…" She tosses a shoe."FUCK… OUT!" Every word she screamed, she threw a new item out of the door. Costia can hear frames shattering down the stairs, her shoes hitting cars parked below. When all the items had been thrown out the door, Costia still doesn't move. Lexa is bewildered. Lexa begins hitting everything except Costia. She punches the mirror on the wall near the table, she grabs the chairs and throws them across the room, she grabs a large vase that held dried sticks on the floor and throws it as hard as she could at the T.V. She does this while thinking of the first time they had sex, the time they skinny dipped in the lake at night, all the times she ditched her friends for her, and the time she almost said I love you. Lexa falls to the floor on her knees and hands, landing in glass from the broken mirror. She begs dejectedly, "Costia... Get out of my LIFE. Get out. Get OUT. GET OUT!" She doesn't notice blood coming out from her knees and palms. She just weeps. Costia had stood up at the sight of a flying vase sweeping past her. She stands there frozen, looking at the destroyed home and the destroyed girl. She built a life with Lexa and it all came crashing down in a matter of minutes.
This was the plan, she thought to herself trying to justify her actions. She knew this day was coming. But she had changed her mind; she didn't want to go through with it. She thought of telling her the truth but explaining to her how much she loved her. She imagined Lexa being mad but maybe after finals she could have made it up to her, broken up with Nia. Costia loved Nia but she was abusive and controlling. She manipulates people for fun. Lexa was the complete opposite and Costia grew to truly love that.
Costia knew Nia was twisted but loved her anyway. Nia had always been there, even at her worst. But Lexa… she was different, she was perfect.
Costia walks toward Lexa and bends down to put a hand on Lexa's back.
Lexa doesn't move but says three words, "I hate you."
Costia clenched her eyes shut and sighs. She pulls her hand from Lexa's back and gets up. She walks toward the open door and hesitates to look back at her. She whispers, "I'm sorry Lexa…" And walks out the door. She left the door open as she picked up her clothes from the stairs, making her way to the parking lot.
Lexa lay scrunched up on the glass, bleeding. She grips the ground, grabbing glass, and squeezes. She promises herself right then and there. "Never again will I let someone hurt me. NEVER." She vowed to herself to protect herself from everyone. She vowed to herself to trust no one except herself. She vowed that love is weakness and that she didn't need it.
Next day- January 3, 2013
Lexa wakes up late, letting her alarm go off for over thirty minutes. It was the playoffs today. She didn't care. The events of yesterday echoed in her head. She replayed the day over and over again. She replayed the year over and over again. She gets ready apathetically. Her eyes were grey and she felt nothing. Exiting her room she walks over broken glass and leaves her apartment with out locking the door.
When she arrived at the pitch she saw South-Den already warming up. She runs over to where her team is just starting to do the same. As she jogs she notices a few of the South-Den players staring in her direction.
Titus cuts her off before she reaches the North-Den team. "Captain, where have you been?!" he looks her up and down and notices cuts all over her hands and knees. "What the hell happened to you?!"
"I'm fine coach." Lexa says dryly.
Titus looks back at Indra and signals her to start the team's warm up.
"COACH! I need to warm up with the team." Looking at him with confusion.
"Come sit with me, your team can warm up with out you." He leads her to their bench and sits down.
"Now, Lexa…you look terrible. You are all cut up and you arrive late. This is not the example I need to have today. Your teammates are distracted at your tardiness and by the looks of it so are you. What happened?"
Lexa starts to tear up and she can't hold it in anymore.
"I..." she tried to talk but she chokes on her words and puts her face in her hands and cries. Her hands begin to sting from the salt in her tears.
Titus sighs and says softly, " Whatever it is we will fix it. But gather yourself for now, We need you to lead the team. You are the head of our body, Lexa. Go to the bathroom and wash up." He pats her leg and runs off to meet Indra in the middle of the pitch to get the girls on track with some drills. Lexa looks up and watches as her team works out with out her. She gets up off the bench and heads to the bathroom to wash her face.
She stares in the mirror above the sink with the water running on hot. The steam is rising and making the mirror fog up. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying all night. She lifts her hands to look at them. The cuts are small but deep. She clenches her fists as hard as she can, making blood trickle out from her grip. Her blood drips in the sink, turning the water a crimson shade as each drop falls in. She stares at the water as it circles the drain. Watching the red swirl around she loses herself.
The door opens and Lexa turns to find Costia standing there.
"Lexa… just listen okay?" Costia's hands are up in the air as to show she comes in peace. Lexa stands in silence.
"I am so very sorry. I didn't want it this way. I want you to know that I fell in love with you at the lake. I was an alcoholic but I was sober the whole time we were together. That wasn't a lie. You made me a better person Lexa."
Lexa's eyebrows furrow but she stays silent. Her fists are clenching tighter now, resting by her side blood dangling from her knuckles.
"I don't expect you to forgive me or want to have anything to do with me…" Costia scrunches her face not knowing how to express herself. "I guess I just wanted to see if you are okay and tell you I am truly sorry."
Lexa looks up with crazy in her eyes. All of the sudden the door flings open nearly hitting Costia in the back.
It's Nia.