Once we got back inside the apartment I immediately went to my room without speaking to, or even looking at, Edward.

I sat down on my bed and started to think about the implications of his confession. He claimed to love me, but did I love him back? Rather, could I love him back in the same way I once had. I knew that I had never completely stopped loving him, that I had never completely moved on, but now I was left to contemplate whether or not I could forgive him.

A knock on the door temporarily silenced my thoughts.

"Bella, can I come in?" It was Alice.

"It's your house." I answered. She came into the room with a guilty look on her face.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Well Alice, that depends, is he around?"

She shook her head, "I told him that I wanted to talk to you, and that it would be in his best interest to make himself scarce."

I nodded slowly, but remained silent. Alice came and sat on the bed next to me, but didn't say anything, waiting for me to start talking.

I sighed, knowing that I had limited time to talk to her before Edward returned.

"I don't know what to say Alice. Hell, I don't even know what I feel. I mean, I know what I feel, but I'm feeling too much, and I don't know what to do about it, or even which emotion is the most important to me right now."

Alice didn't respond right away, instead she trailed her fingers long the bedspread. Just when I was about to burst from impatience she spoke. "Bella, I don't know what I can say to make this better for you. I know that my brother is an ass, I know that I never should have let him leave, I know that every single emotion you're feeling right now is completely justified, and if you wanted to walk out of here right now and never comeback, I wouldn't blame you one bit."

I had been staring at the wall while Alice was talking, but once she finished I looked over at her. She looked so distraught and lost that I had to throw my arms around her.

"I'm not going anywhere Alice, I just need to figure out what I want to do. Did you know that until today I was never once angry with him for leaving me? Not even a little bit. I always thought that if he didn't want to be with me, that if he wasn't in love with me that is was more than fair. I mean, who am I to tell someone how to feel. So I wasn't happy, hell, I was miserable, but I didn't think there was anything I could do about it, so I just did my best to deal.

"The worst of it is knowing how much I love him and that there isn't anything I can do about it. I mean I always loved him, I could get frustrated with him, annoyed with him, or sad about him, but until today I was never angry with him at all. Not even a little bit, but now I'm pissed at him, and I just want to hit something."

Alice looked at me for a moment then reached behind me and grabbed a pillow and held it up for me.

"Go for it," she said simply.

I looked at her as if she was insane.

"I mean it," she insisted, "Hell, I want to hit him, and I would if I thought it would do you any good, but I know you and you'll just feel guilty about it later. You'll somehow convince yourself that you're responsible for it. But Bella, sometimes you just need a physical release, so hit the goddamn pillow, and see if it makes you feel any better."

I stared at the pillow. It was a nice pillow, a lovely shade of blue with embroidery on it. I seemed to remember that this particular pillow was especially comfortable.

I beat the crap out of it.

I poured all my anger at Edward for leaving me into every punch.

It felt amazing.

I don't know how long I actually took my aggression out on the unsuspecting comfort object, but by the time I was done I felt better and the stuffing had been changed into a lumpy mass that barely resembled what it had previously looked like.

"Feel better?" Alice asked.

I nodded.

"Good. Do you want to talk to him yet? Or do you just want to be left alone?"

"I think I need some more time to set my thoughts in order before I talk to him, but do you think you and Jazz could make yourselves scarce in a couple of hours? I don't think either of us wants an audience."

"Of course Bella, but of you need me you call me ok?"

I nodded silently, and Alice kissed my cheek and left the room.

Try as I might to hash out the consequences associated with getting involved with Edward again, I fell asleep five minutes later.

When I woke up again I realized I had grossly surpassed the two hour time I had told Alice earlier. I was debating on whether or not I had time to go out and talk to Edward before they came back when my phone buzzed.

Don't worry, Jazz and I won't be back until morning. We're going to rescue some more tourists 3 Alice

For once I was grateful for her psychic tendencies.

I took a moment to steel myself and went out into the living room.

Edward was once again sitting on a couch reading a book, again the title was in a language I was not familiar with. He didn't look up as I entered, but I knew that it was because he was giving me the opportunity to pass him by if I wanted rather than a disinterest in my presence.

I briefly considered making a mad dash for the kitchen, pretending I was in search of a snack instead of answers, but I knew that this discussion would only get worse if I left it for later.

I walked over to the couch he was sitting on and sat down on the end opposite from him, curling up into a comfortable ball. He put his book down and looked to me once I got settled.

"We need to talk," I said simply.

"I think that might be a bit of an understatement Bella." His voice did not have its normal melodious quality. It was still a thousand times better than any other sound in the world, but it sounded as though he had been gargling sand for an hour or two.

"I guess I'll start this time," I said not entirely sure of what I was going to say. "I already told you that when you left you broke me, and I really don't see the point in rehashing that experience for you again. It'll only make you miserable, and put me in a bad place, so we're going to skip over that for now. I know you want a response from me about our future together, if there's even going to be a future together, but I can't give you that until I have some answers of my own."

His eyes bore into mine, "Ask me anything."

I leafed through the questions I wanted to ask in my mind, unsure of where to begin, I decided to start with a simple one, "What did you do after you left me? And please spare me your ideas about my sensitivities and don't leave things out."

He looked away from me embarrassed. "My time away from you is not something I like to dwell on. You already know that I separated myself from my family. I did that immediately after leaving you, it's one of the reasons I made them leave first. Of course Alice knew what I was going to do and tried to talk me out of it, but I was resolute. After that I went looking for Victoria. I took me a year and a half, but I finally managed to track her down, and … I took care of the situation. Once I found her I pretty much curled up in a sewer and just lived with the misery of being alone. I checked in with my family every so often, which is what I was doing when I came back this time."

I nodded once he finished, I wasn't happy that he'd gone after a homicidal vampire, but I made the decision to let that go until a later conversation.

"Why did you lie to me?"

He focused his eyes back on my face and I could not look away, "You weren't going to let me go. I had Alice check to see if you would have put up a fight if I explained to you why I was going, and you would have raised hell over it. I also considered just leaving in the night, but I couldn't do that to you, and I was selfish. I needed to say goodbye. It almost killed me to do it Bella."

"So you knew I was going to fight you on it and you still left? Why because it was what you thought was best for me?"

"Yes."

The anger I had been burying beneath layers if hurt bubbled up to the surface.

"Right Edward, because clearly you always know what's best for me. I mean, you are the amazing Edward Cullen, all of us plebeians must bow before your awesome power! Except, wait a minute, I'm the exception to that awesome power, aren't I? You don't know a damn thing about how I think do you?"

Edward looked desperate, "I know what things you don't Bella. You don't seem to realize how much danger I was putting you in! Aside from physical danger, you wanted me to change you and I refused to put your soul at risk like that."

I snorted, "Yes Edward, I had no idea about what kind of physical danger I was in. I mean, I was thrown around a ballet studio like a rag doll by a vampire, I've seen you bend a truck with your bare hands, but of course I was completely ignorant! And that business about my soul, you know I think it's bullshit. Everyone else in your family seems to have different opinions on the subject, but of course I shouldn't have to make up my own mind about it! That might be too taxing on my inferior human brain."

I was yelling by the end of my rant, and I got up to go into the bedroom, but as soon as my back was turned he grabbed my arm and spun me back around until I was sitting on the couch and he was kneeling in front of me.

I glared at him, trying to infuse every angry thought and feeling I had into a single look.

He crushed me to his chest.

I lost it.

It was too much. Seventeen year-old Bella had never wanted Edward to see her as anything less than her best self. Twenty-two year old Bella wanted Edward to see her in the best light, but frankly she didn't care anymore. I started crying into his chest and he rubbed soothing circles into my back, murmuring quiet calming phrases in my ear.

When I was done I lifted my eyes back up to look at him, waiting for him to speak.

"You're right, you're one hundred percent right Bella. I don't know how your mind works, I didn't consider the fact that you should have been given as much consideration as any member of my family, and I thought more of how I could best protect you than of what you actually needed. I cannot undo the past as much as I may want to. All I can do now is ask you for your forgiveness and wait and hope that one day you'll find me worthy of it again."

I sighed, my anger had faded into oblivion and I was thoroughly spent after yelling at him. "Edward, I want to forgive you, I want to be with you, I want to let myself love you completely again, but I just cannot fully commit to that right now, and I don't want to give you only a piece of me, because I don't want to be the same girl I was at seventeen. You left and I changed, whether that was for the better or not remains to be seen, but if I let you back into my life before I'm fully ready to, I'm going to wind up back at square one, and if you leave again I won't survive it."

He gripped my shoulders and looked into my eyes, "I will never leave you again Isabella, no matter what you may think I would never lie to you about that."

I looked at my lap, "Look Edward, I'm exhausted right now. I don't want to make any big decisions tonight that I may have to change in the morning. I'm going to go to bed and sleep on this. I'm not going to promise to give you an answer in the morning because I might not be able to, but I will promise to let you know soon, because I can't keep myself in this emotional state forever."

With that I stood up from the couch, walked slowly back to my room and fell quickly into a dreamless sleep.

A/N: Please don't shoot! I'm extremely sorry for not updating, but just think of it this way. In 3 weeks I'll be out of school with a full month before any form of employment is on the horizon. Think of all I could do with that time. As always shoot me a review of you have any questions or comments, they really make my day!