ok, i rewrote this chapter like five times so if it sucks, im sorry. it took forever to get it to even say what i wanted it to say.

CHAPTER TEN: come right out and say it

They stood waiting at the gate. Marissa kept standing on her toes to look for the Cohens. Alex looked a little uncomfortable, plus she had to keep her hand over a hickey on her neck that Marissa had given her a couple hours ago. Then, Ryan came out of the plane. When he caught sight of Marissa he grinned and picked her up in a hug, then kissed her on the lips. Alex watched causally, barely hiding her disgust. Marissa kissed Ryan back, but his lips were forceful, not soft and welcoming, like Alex's. She almost pulled away, but stopped herself. The only thing she could stand about him was his promise of familiarity, not the crazy, exhilarating life she had been living with Alex. It's true. Marissa admitted to herself. I'm afraid of change. Then Ryan put her down and she fake smiled at him. He turned to Alex and Marissa breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey Atwood." Alex grinned and hugged Ryan. He just kind of glared at her.

"What was with the phone thing?" He asked, a little angry. Alex shrugged.

"We had a party to go to." She said. Ryan shrugged and let it go. He slid an arm around Marissa and smiled at her lovingly. Alex just stood there, awkward times ten, and also the hand covering her hickey was starting to ache. Finally, Alex took her hand down, revealing her, um, love spot. Ryan looked at it with suspicion, but Alex just smiled.

"Heh, heh." She fake laughed. "You know me." Ryan rolled his eyes and kept his arm draped over Marissa's shoulders as they waited for Sandy and Seth. When the two guys got there, the five of them stood uncomfortably. Alex could tell she was the source of all the stress. She smiled a little sadly and looked at Marissa with an unreadable look on her face. Marissa refused to look at Alex. Alex finally sighed and sort of half-waved.

"Talk to you later." She said and turned to leave, pretty much giving up on Marissa. Marissa could almost feel the tension leave the group as Alex walked off. She watched Alex walk off and, on impulse, ran after her. Marissa put her hand on Alex's arm, but Alex ignored her.

"Alex." Marissa pleaded. "Please." Alex finally looked back at Marissa.

"Hey." Alex said, her eyes unreadable, but definitely sad. "Uh, I guess we're done." It wasn't a question. Alex tried to compose herself and it worked, a little.

"No, it's just. . ." Marissa trailed off and Alex picked up.

"Look, you and Ryan. . . it's like Clark and Lois, or Padme and Anakin or Han and Leia, you're destined to be together no matter what horrible things come along." Marissa grinned.

"Nice Star Wars analogy there." She commented and Alex couldn't help but smile back.

"Thank you." Alex's smile quickly faded though. "There's no other person for either of you. So I'm just gonna go and settle for being a distant memory in your mind. All right? I know you're trying to pull away from Ryan, but its not going to work. So I'll pull away from you and save you the trouble. I'll see you, Riss." Alex gave her a sad smile and turned and left. Marissa quickly grabbed her arm again.

"No, Alex. . . I just. . . its Ryan, you know? I don't really know what I want." Marissa tried to explain. Alex looked her in the eye.

"Well, figure it out and get back to me." Alex said and left.

IOIOI

Alex lay on the couch in her apartment, throwing a ball up in the air and catching it. She was trying to figure out what to do about Marissa. I've got to get over her. She thought. It's not like I'm really in love with her. . . or anything. Alex sat up and put her head in her hands. I mean, I thought I loved her, but now everything is fucked up. Alex looked up when someone knocked on her door.

"Come in." She called, pretty sure of who it was.

IOIOI

Marissa sat in her car in front of Alex's apartment. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to get everything in her mind straight. I've got to tell Alex that I can't leave Ryan. That he's just… Ryan and I can't leave him. Marissa thought back to earlier, when she had gone home with Ryan. Everything had been so freaking boring. So. . .normal. Marissa sighed and got out of the car. She walked up the stairs and knocked on the door.

"Come in." Marissa heard Alex call. She walked in. The two girls stood for a moment, looking at each other. Then, Marissa walked toward Alex and wrapped her arms around her. Alex put her arms around her shoulders, not able to turn her away.

"I won't let you go." Marissa whispered softly, tears forming in her eyes, betraying her feelings. Alex didn't say anything. Yeah you will. She thought, but she only held the other girl. After a few minutes she pulled back.

"We need to talk." She said. "We should have talked about this before. . .they came back, but we didn't, so we need to talk about this now." Marissa looked back at her.

"Yeah, we do." Marissa agreed softly. They looked at each other.

"So." Alex started.

"So." Marissa echoed. Everything was awkward again, as if everything that had happened between them hadn't happened.

"What's gonna happen between us, now that Ryan's back?" Alex thought out loud. Marissa looked away, out the window.

"I can't cheat on him and I can't leave him, Alex." Marissa slipped back into their familiarity. She sat down on the couch. "I can't be with you." Marissa said, trying to lay it out as well as she could. Alex looked away as well, silent, for once.

"Just like that?" Alex finally said, looking back at the brunette.

"It's not like we ever really had a relationship in the first place." Marissa said. Alex's eyes turned cold.

"No." She said icily. "We just had sex and went out together all the time." Alex stood up angrily, frustrated. Marissa stayed seated, looking up at Alex.

"Well it's true." Marissa said, waving her hands. "It's not like we could ever be together for real." Alex glared, more shocked at what the younger girl was saying, than actually angry.

"Do you really believe that?" Alex asked Marissa. Marissa sat there for a minute.

"Yeah." She answered, lying, but not really realizing it. "I really believe that."

"Then you're right, we couldn't be in a relationship." Alex said, turning around.

"It's not like you wanted one!" Marissa raised her voice.

"How," Alex said loudly, "Would you know what I wanted? All you cared about was Ryan and his feelings."

"Don't forget about the sex." Marissa said with sarcasm.

"Is that all I was? A good fuck?" Alex said angrily.

"What do you think Alex?" Marissa answered with a question. "Why does this have to be so hard?"

"Maybe I thought we were something more. Maybe I thought I was really in love with you! And maybe I believed you when you told me you loved me too." Alex said, deathly calm as she said the last sentence. Marissa sat, frozen in her spot, words she had tried to forget, just thrown in her face. "Whatever." Alex said, waving her hand and walking out the door, leaving Marissa alone with only her thoughts.