[A/N: The reason why I parodied "On My Own" in this scene is because I have to sing it for my Les Mis audition on Tuesday and I'm super nervous. However, now I will probably screw up and sing the dirty lyrics instead. Oh well. Wish me luck! And don't forget to review!]

SCENE TEN: In Which The Murdering Begins In Earnest

(While Anthony is jogging around the streets of London, searching for someone to "peel his banana", Sweeney is having himself a little murder spree in celebration of...something. We're not quite sure what.)

Sweeney: And are you beautiful and pale, with yellow hair, like her?

Random Dude The First: Gosh, what is it with everyone in this story having yellow hair? For the last time, it's called blonde!

Sweeney: (slips into his Sean Connery accent again.) Blonde. Jamesh Blonde. Haha, sorry. Where was I? Oh. Right. The slicing and the murdering.

(Sweeney slits the guy's throat. Naturally, blood is everywhere. Your dear author makes a comment about how the newly corpsified Random Dude can now be a Pez dispenser, and your dear author's father restrains the urge to hurl. The magical chair does its thing with the stuff and the corpse falls into the bake house. Hooray.)

Sweeney: (is shaving a man that bears great resemblance to an ostrich) And if you're beautiful, what then, with yellow hair like wheat?

Ostrich Man: (bursts into tears) Stop reminding me of how ugly I am! It's not my fault I was dropped on my face as a chi...urk...(dies)

(The lever is pulled and Ostrich Man falls into the bake house as well, this time with an added gory discretion shot of brains hitting the floor.)

Sweeney: I think we shall not meet again, my turtledove, my sweet... (apparently, was harboring a crush on said Ostrich Man)

(Then Sweeney goes to the window and stares at things, twitching all the while.)

Sweeney: Goodbye Johanna! You're gone, and so's my mind. I'm fine, Johanna, but that's what they all say and then they get institutionalized. Just like you. Lady-boy is trying to break you out of there right now, though, so I'm sure everything will be alright. Yes, I'm quite aware I'm talking to my razor. Mrs. Lovett, the sexy times will commence at never o'clock. Also, Toby's audition for the Disney Channel is this evening. I hope he gets in, because gin is getting more expensive as of late. So is Mike's Hard Lemonade, and tequila, and I'm an alcoholic, aren't I?

(The razor makes no reply, being a razor and having no mouth.)

Sweeney: (clears throat) Anyhoo, where were we?

(He goes back to shaving/killing people and singing about his daughter/razor. Meanwhile, Toby and Mrs. Lovett are preparing for the Disney Channel auditions...)

Mrs. Lovett: (is transforming Toby into a Zac Efron lookalike) Now remember, be polite, don't ask questions, don't bring your gin flask, and if the nice gentleman asks you to give him a blowjob, you do as you're told.

Toby: (looks like a street urchin caught in the headlights) Eep.

Mrs. Lovett: Now, from the top...

(Toby begins to sing "On My Own", from Les Mis. The other version.)

Toby: (wistfully) On my own, pretending he's inside me. On my own, I touch myself til morning -

Mrs. Lovett: The regular version, sweetheart. Save the homoerotic one for the other auditions.

Toby: What other auditions?

Mrs. Lovett: The...never mind. Just shut up and let me whore you out so we can get some more gin money!

Toby: Okay.

Mrs. Lovett: Now, let's try the song again....

Toby: Without him, I feel his arms around me. And when I feel sad I close my eyes and I am SEXYYYYYYYYYYY. (pumps fist)
In my pants, my hands are firmly grasping. And I know the herpes he will give me.

Mrs. Lovett: (looks like a stalkerish baker in the headlights) Eep.

Toby: ...AND ALL I SEE IS SODOMY, FOREVER AND FOREVER!
And I know, it's only in my mind. That I'm pleasuring myself to thoughts of him.
And although I know he's forty-five, still I say! There's a way for us!

Mrs. Lovett: Who are you talking about, exactly?

Toby: Judge Turpin. Isn't he dreeeeeamyyyy?

(His eyes turn into little hearts and he sighs. Mrs. Lovett gags and runs out of the room to be sick. Meanwhile, your dearest author is getting sick of typing "meanwhile", but back to the ranch it is, except instead of being on a ranch, the creepy beggar woman is outside of Mrs. Lovett's pie shop, being twitchy and spouting conspiracy theories to anyone who will listen.)

Beggar Woman: There, there! Somebody somebody look up there! Didn't I tell you, UFOs! Aliens are real!

(She grabs a random passerby. Because she hasn't brushed her teeth in fifteen years, her breath smells horrible, and so the passerby recoils in fear, disgust, and alarm by being grabbed by someone who looks like Squidward.)

Beggar Woman: Quick, sir, run and tell! Warn them all of the E.T's spell! There it is, there it is, the shiny ship! Aliens are real!

Passerby: I liked your conspiracy theory about pudding much, much better. (flees for his life)

Beggar Woman: Don't tell it to the Beadle cause he went to Las Vegas, help, fiend! Aliens are real!

Why does Toby think he's in a different musical? More importantly, why does Toby suddenly have a crush on Turpin? And how the frick is your dear author going to parody "Not While I'm Around"? These questions will probably not be answered in the next installment of Spoofy Todd, but just so you know, I want gummy worms right now. Thank you for your time, ladies and germs. And please click that little review button, because the more you review, the more I write, and the more I write, the more you smile! (Or grimace. Y'know, whatever works for you.)