/N: JE owns these characters; I am a friggin nut who likes to play a bit with them. Also credit needs to go the late L. Frank Baum for his characters from The Wizard of Oz. There is a place in Beech, NC called Land of Oz; I have changed it using poetic license to fit it in with this story. .
Thanks to Jenny for her wonderful beta skills.
Follow The Yellow Brick Road- Chapter 10
We gingerly walked our way around the debris and I tried to clear a path for Grandma Bob. Both of us decided it would be safer to be outside. Leaving from the back door, the view outside was nothing that we'd ever seen before. It was not the 'Burg, Trenton or even Kansas. I had no idea where we were.
I had referred to the half human/ half dog creature as Grandma Bob but somehow that didn't agree with me. It just didn't seem right especially since she kept whispering call me Grandma Bobo.
Once we exited the house we came upon a disturbing sight. Beneath the house lay a body. The only reason we knew was that we saw two legs sticking out from under the house. The two long legs were clad in sheer, silk stockings and the feet had on 4-inch, red, satin stiletto-heeled shoes. They were gorgeous and, if I was not mistaken, designed by the incomparable Christian Louboutin. He was one of the best shoe designers around today. I guess it was sad but true that he designed shoes that really are to die for.
Upon further investigation, I discovered that the body belonged to none other than Terry Gilman. She truly was the Wicked Witch of the East, but although she was never my favorite person, I hadn't ever wished ill of her. I was sorry she was dead. I was jealous of her when Joe and I were dating, because I always felt that Terry was my competition, like she was a rival for Joe's affections. Morelli had a long, romantic history with her and things migh t have been different if she hadn't had ties with the mob. Cops and Mafia Princesses are strange bedfellows and are frowned upon by everybody.
Leaving the house and body behind, Grandma Bobo and I came upon a clearing. There we saw a woman who bore a striking resemblance to Lula. She looked fantastic in a pale pink spandex top that was decorated with rhinestones, paired with a matching long, tulle skirt. Judging from her outfit, I realized that she was the Good Witch of the North, Lulinda, that I had heard about somewhere before. Seeing the squished body, she yelled, "Get your bony asses out here. The Wicked Beeyotch of the East is dead. Holy shit!"
Coming out from all directions, from behind trees and buildings were little people, what midgets and dwarves were now called, and children. They were from all ethnic groups. In their midst, I spotted my nieces. Seeing Angie, Mary Alice and Lisa, I realized that things were getting weirder by the second.
Lulinda shot me a glance and shouted, "Skinny white girl. Git yourself over here. Now. Damn. You da bomb! You freed them Plumkins from the evil beeyotch. Now that she is dead, they can all breathe a little easier. We owe you big-time. What's your name?"
"My name is Stephathy Gale. Who are you?" With everything else getting so strange, who knew what was real or not!
"Youz must be new here. I'm Lulinda, the Good Witch of the North."
I was having trouble getting my mind around all of this when suddenly; a cloud of red fumes hovered ahead. When the smoke dissipated a bit, a figure emerged from it. It was a person with neon green skin and candy red hair. The person was obviously a woman and my eyes widened in amazement when I realized who it was. A Joyce Barnhardt look-alike was gazing at the house and she went ballistic when she saw the dead body. "Who killed my sister?" she shrieked.
"She did!" said all the Plumkins as they pointed straight at me. "Stephathy."
"It wasn't my fault," I shouted. "My house fell on her." Geez, this drama queen was the Wicked Witch of the West, I thought to myself.
"I'll get you, my skanky. And ewwww... your ugly dog too. But first, I need to get those shoes back. They're mine. My sister borrowed them without my permission."
"Look Witchypoo, no need to get personal. You don't hear me saying anything about YOUR looks. Right, Bozo?" zinged Grandma Bobo.
The Joycewitch tried with all her might but couldn't take the shoes off her dead sister's feet. Whenever she touched the FMPs, a visible bolt of static electricity flew from the shoes to her hands. The current electrocuted her and she dropped her burning hands away from the shoes. The shock definitely made Joycewitch angry and frustrated. You could practically see the steam coming out of her ears, she was so furious. After she tried to retrieve the shoes for a few more minutes, she finally gave up. Another puff of smoke appeared and pffft... she was gone.
Once Joycewitch disappeared, Lulinda quickly went over to the corpse and removed the shoes. It was remarkable how fast she could move, considering the heft of her size.
"Here. Put these on. Joycewitch can't hurt you if you're wearing them. You're safer than you are while wearing a Kevlar vest to stop a bullet."
"Thanks. By the way, where am I?"
"You're in the merry old land of Oz."
"I need to get home."
"Sorry, white girl. Can't help wit dat. You'll need the MAN to do that. The man is Rangewiz. He is one smoking hot dude. Boy, I'd like to climb his tree, if you know what I mean. Hmmmmm... real drool worthy."
"Where do I find him?"
"Hellz, bellz. Emerald City. Girl, dontcha know anythin?"
"Sorry, I don't know where Emerald City is. Can you tell me?"
"Just follow the yellow brick road and you'll get there."
"Thanks, bye." I gave Lulinda and the Plumkins a fingerwave as I left on my way to Oz and Emerald City.
"See ya," Lulinda said.
"Thanks Stephathy! Bye!" yelled all the Plumkins.
We were on the road for about five minutes when we spotted something amiss. Lying near the road was a scarecrow and his stuffing was all over the place. Very little straw was left inside him, leaving him paralyzed where he lay. It was obvious that this scarecrow would need some assistance to be mobile again, since there was more hay outside than in. He couldn't go anywhere until he was put back together.
The person the scarecrow reminded me of came as no surprise, seeing him lying still like he was. Actually, it made perfect sense, since I was able to con this Merry Man out of his stun gun. My stunning Hal made him a butt of many RangeMan jokes. I really was sorry that my actions had caused him to become a laughingstock, but I really needed to leave Haywood when I thought it was safe. I just didn't know that the Slayers were still a major threat to my life. I quit reminiscing and looked back at the scarecrow. Once his straw was stuffed back in, he looked very muscular.
"Thanks, ladies. But who are you? Where are you going?"
"I'm Stephathy and this is Grandma Bobo, I said, pointing beside me. "We're off to see Rangewiz, so we can go home."
"I'm Halcrow. I need a brain. Can I go with you?"
"I don't see why not! C'mon."
The three of us were back on the road again when we heard a horrible moaning.
"Ehrrrr... need oil."
Taking ten steps forward, I noticed a prone figure lying on the ground. It was a man made entirely of tin. He was definitely in distress and in need of some aid. His silver body was tinged with orange rust and he lay there motionless. Spying a bottle of oil nearby, I rushed over to get it, then I started to apply it on his body, paying close attention to his joints. The knees, elbows, neck, wrists, ankles, fingers and knuckles were all carefully oiled. The oil quickly lubricated the tin giant.
When I was done, I stepped back to admire my handiwork. The tin man was immense. Now that he was oiled up, his muscles were clearly defined. Over six feet tall and weighing more than three hundred pounds, he was built like a Sherman tank and probably just as strong. In fact, he reminded me a lot of Tank.
After his lube job was complete, his brown eyes popped open and he was able to move about. Rising to his full height, he loomed above us. He even topped Halcrow, who was quite tall himself.
"Thanks for the oiling. I'm Tintank."
"We're Stephathy, Grandma Bob and Halcrow. We're off to see Rangewiz. He's going to help us. Halcrow needs a brain and we need to get home."
"All I really need is a heart so I can love but a little chocolate flavored oil now and then doesn't hurt!" said Tintank. "Would you mind if I came along?"
"Sure, let's go."
The four of us were now walking together. We had made progress and after walking for half an hour, we heard someone sobbing. It was a sad, plaintive whimper; someone was really frightened of something. We moved until we were able to see who was bawling like that. There sat a chubby lion holding his paw and crying his eyes out. Sweat was dripping down his scraggly mane, which was balding in some places.
The lion reminded me of none other than my sister Val's own cuddleumpkins. Yeah, the lion was my brother-in-law Albert Kloughn. It didn't surprise me that it was Albert that the lion reminded me of. I couldn't fathom any of the Merry Men as a cowardly lion. Albert is meek as a mouse when it comes to my sister. Valerie can steamroll over him at will. It is obvious who wears the pants in that relationship. How ironic that the men in my life had been just the opposite. They're alpha males, in fact.
The lion showed us his paw, crying "Please, can you help me?"
Seeing that there was a thorn embedded there, I tried to extricate as gently as I could.
"Owww... you're hurting me!"
"Sorry. I'm doing my best."
"Alright. Alright. Just get it out, already."
I had gotten it out and we're preparing to leave when the lion exclaimed, "I'm Albertlion. Where are you going? Can I come too, please?"
Once again, we had to explain where we were going and why we're going to Emerald City to see Rangewiz. Since Albertlion needed courage, we decided he should accompany us there.
"Okay guys, we're off to see Rangewiz."
We all started to sing, "Skips, stalkers and psychos, oh my! Follow, follow the yellow brick road. We're off to see the wonderful wizard of oohs and ahs."
We had followed the yellow brick road for quite a long time, when we came upon a magnificent sight. Up ahead was a city made of sparkling green glass that shone brilliantly from the sunlight. It looked magical and I hoped Rangewiz would be as magical as the city and could help us all out.