La Douleur Exquise

The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

Chapter ten

Dean was avoiding me.

I'd tried to talk to him, but he'd just give me one word answers while barely looking at me before walking away. It had been two days since my drunken ass kissed him and overhearing both boys talking about me. And now, he'd left to go on a hunt.

Solo.

I was hurt and upset he'd left without saying anything to me, not even saying goodbye. I honestly didn't know what I did to make him leave, for him to avoid me. I had tried to talk to him about our near kiss too but he kept making any kind of excuse to get away from me.

This was the first hunt he decided to do solo for more than ten months. It made me wonder if he'd changed his mind, deciding that he felt nothing for me, not even as a friend. But I had to remember that he didn't know I'd heard everything he said to Sam. I knew I was over-reacting but I couldn't help it. My thoughts were swirling around in my head and it was making me feel dizzy. It crushed me not knowing what he was doing or thinking. What if he didn't come back? What if whatever he was hunting killed him and we had to bring back his body? What if he just decided I wasn't good enough. For either of them.

Now that it was me and Sam in the bunker, things were a little awkward. He wasn't avoiding me like Dean was, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. He spent most of the morning on the phone to Stacey, arranging to see each other again from the sounds of it.

I pulled out my own cell and called Dean, hoping he'd pick up this time. Straight to voicemail, just like the last four times I'd rang him. I was now officially worried. I waited until Sam finished his call before speaking. "Sam, have you heard from Dean?"

He looked up at me. "Yeah, he called me a couple hours ago, why?"

I blinked away the tears filling my eyes. He just didn't want to talk to me. I wasn't good enough. "I...he won't answer my calls."

Sam sighed and frowned at me. "Ada...we...we need to talk."

This was it. The 'talk' to let me down gently. I walked over to the table and sat down opposite him. "I heard the conversation you had with Dean the other day. That's what you want to talk to me about, right?"

He scratched the back of his neck, not really knowing what to say to me. "So you..."

"He told you I was in love with you." I stated, getting straight to the point.

His eyes widened at my bluntness. "Yeah..."

"For months now, I've been in love with you, my thoughts solely about you. Of us having the perfect relationship. And I know you do love me, but not in the same way I love you and I'm going to have to get used to that." I said. "I see you with Stacey and I've never seen you so happy. It makes me happy that you're happy, even though it's not with me." I smiled at him sadly. "They say we always want what we can't have. So, I sometimes wonder if I can have you, would I still want you? Would my feelings still be as they are now? I'll never know the answer, so..." I tapered off, looking down at my hands in my lap.

"You love Dean," he said, looking right at me. "I swear, you two are just..."

My head shot up. "What? I know what he said...but I...he's my best friend...I don't know..."

"I can prove it to you." Sam said very matter of factly.

I stared at him in disbelief. "How are you going to do that?"

He sttod up, motioning for me to do the same before steeping forward and cupping my face in his hands, looking down at me before pressing his lips against mine.

And I felt...nothing.

I was expecting fireworks, butterflies, that euphoric feeling that sweeps through you making your entire body feel its on fire and for your heart to be pounding against your chest. To make your leg pop like they do in the movies.

But it felt wrong. Couldn't deny he was a great kisser though.

I pulled away, pushing against his chest and he stepped back, lowering his arms to his sides. "What did you feel?" he asked, looking like he already knew what my answer would be.

I looked down at the floor frowning before looking back up. "I felt...nothing. Like, I was kissing my brother, it felt wrong." I admitted, still feeling so confused.

Sam smiled and nodded in agreement. "Because you don't love me Ada. You love Dean. All these feelings you have, the love you felt for me...who were you with each and every time? Whenever it was just us, did you feel as strongly for me compared to when Dean was in the room with us?"

"I...I...I don't know. I thought it was because of you, all the butterflies, all the thoughts I had about us...it was always when Dean was in the room with us." It was like a light bulb went off in my head. "That day in the diner when he touched me..." I whispered to myself. "When we almost kissed in my room...I mean I still had feelings for you when we were alone but I never really focused on them because we always acted more like friends..." my eyes widened and I looked at Sam. "Dean. It's always been Dean..."

Sam pulled me into a hug. "He loves you too. I see it every time you are together. You gravitate towards each other like magnets. And the way you smile at each other, it's like no one else is in the room with you both. I know my brother, Ada, and I've never seen him light up the way he does when you're in the room."

"But he's been avoiding me and now he's on a hunt...ignoring my calls..." I frowned. "Maybe he's changed his mind..."

"Just...just give him time. Let him finish this hunt. Remember, he still thinks you're in love with me. That way, you can both think about things, about where it all goes from here. You know, in the end it all comes down to the person you think of at night. That's where your heart is."

I nodded my head knowing he was right but still feeling a little hurt that he didn't just talk to me. That he decided ignoring me was better then disappearing on a hunt. Was he avoiding me because of the drunken kiss, or because he admitted to Sam he loved me. It was, or had been, the same for him as it was for me except he had to listen to me whining. Listen to me cry on his shoulder because his brother didn't feel the same way, hedidn't love me. Guilt flooded through me and I sighed. No wonder he was avoiding me. I'd broke his heart without even realising it. I was a horrible person.

"Why don't you give Stacey a call," I said, changing the subject. "Invite her to the bunker. I think I should apologise to her for being a bit of a bitch."

Sam laughed. "Yeah, you were. I'll give her a call."

I smiled sheepishly, standing on my tip toes and kissing his forehead. "Thank you Sammy."

I was in my room reading when I heard the bunker's door open. Dean was back.

Throwing my book onto my bed, I raced to the war room and straight to Dean, throwing my arms around him in a tight hug. "I missed you."

He just stood there, his face stoic, not reciprocating my hug at all. I took a step back and looked at him in confusion. "Dean?"

He looked down at me, his face emotionless, his jaw tight and his eyes dark and cold. "We need to talk."

"Ok..." I tilted my head and frowned. "What do you want to talk about?" I asked apprehensively, not liking the tense atmosphere around us.

"You need to leave."