Arizona stared at the ceiling absentmindedly, pulling her eyes away from the bright lights and ignoring the blotches of colour that stained her sight as she looked around the room. She pushed herself up so she was sitting on the OR table, pulling her legs underneath her and crossing them. She glanced up to the empty gallery that was darkened out, unfilled seats looking back at her. A vacant OR always created a strange sensation in the pit of Arizona's stomach. She was so used to seeing it full of people; nurses, residents, anaesthesiologists. She was so used to the bustling sound of people moving to prepare everything, the low murmur of nurses organising things and the pattering of feet. An empty OR was silent. Immensely and perfectly silent, the sound of her breathing being the only things that filled Arizona's ear. She ran her fingers back and forth over the leather table beneath her, pressing down into it with her knuckles. She wondered how many lives had been saved in the place she was sitting, and then her mind pondered the thought of how many had been lost. The idea sat in her head for a while, long enough for her to be startled when the OR doors opened from the scrub room and Teddy appeared.
"Why are you sat in empty and dark OR? Is this last minute nerves about leaving? Because I am more than happy to ring Hopkins and tell them to shove their offer up their ass because you think this Peds department shits all over theirs."
Arizona looked over to Teddy's quizzical face, smirking at her. She watched as Teddy sighed, looking around the empty room as she walked towards the table. She stopped in front of Arizona, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrow sticking up in a questioning arch. Arizona just chewed on her lip, playing with her fingers, before watching Teddy hop up onto the table next to the blonde and dangle her legs off the edge. They sat in the silence for a moment, Teddy pressing her fingers into the leather just like Arizona had been doing earlier and watching as the surface remoulded to the shape.
"I was just having a quick minute, that's all." Arizona spoke after a moment when Teddy bumped their shoulders, the other woman letting out a snort as she peered up at the bright lights that shone down onto the bed, spraying them in a beam of light that made the rest of the room appear darker.
"A quick minute with the operating room? Do you want me to leave you two alone so you can have some privacy?" Teddy teased, Arizona rolling her eyes as she shuffled her legs out from underneath her and pulled her knees up against her chest. She leant her chin down on them for a minute, staring at the perfectly organised compartments and drawers in front of her. Everything had a place, everything had a home. Arizona could feel Teddy's eyes burning into her patiently, the blonde letting out a weak sigh.
"A lot has happened in this OR. My first ever surgery was in here. It was a liver transplant on a six year old, just two days after I got here," Arizona spoke softly, raising her chin off her knees and watching as Teddy just smiled softly at her, "I didn't even know my way around the hospital and when I walked into the OR everything was different from what I was used to. But I focused myself and I saved the patient. Some of my biggest successes have been in this room. It was my favourite OR for a long time, it felt like home, I loved operating in here. But then at some point some of biggest failures ended up being in here as well. The first patient I lost after I joined here was in this OR, I operated on Wallace in here, Alex as well. You operated on my dad in here. Did you know this is the OR where I was operated on? After I was shot I was cut open right here, I haemorrhaged right where we're sat. A lot has happened to me in the room. This was my favourite OR, every time I walked in I was reminded of everything good that I've done, every kid that is alive and kicking a ball around their garden right now because of me. But now I don't get that feeling when I walk in here. I'm just reminded of everything that I've lost in this room."
"Arizona, come on. You're an amazing surgeon, any patient that was lost in this room wasn't because of you. You know that." Teddy spoke softly, bumping her shoulder into the blonde's one more. Arizona offered a small smile whilst her fingers tickled over her scar down her stomach, feeling it clench with small bursts of pain that had been irritating her all morning.
"I'm still responsible. At the end of the day it's my name that is written on all of the records when people look back. I just- I guess I wish that I was leaving this OR with it still feeling like home, instead of the way it feels now, that's all."
"If it's not your home anymore, where is?" Teddy asked quietly, their voices seeming big in the empty room. Arizona let out a big sigh, feeling her lungs expanding and deflating in her chest.
"I don't know. I guess it's Baltimore, now."
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Let me know when you start believing it." Teddy laughed, throwing Arizona a look before staring back down at her swinging legs. Arizona licked her lips as she cocked her head to the side.
"Teddy, come on…"
"I know, I get it now, okay? You're leaving and I'm pissed about that, probably will be for a good few months, but I get it. So pull your depressing ass off that table so you can come and have one last drink with me before your flight."
Arizona watched as Teddy hopped off the table, strolling towards the door. Arizona took one last look around. She looked to the gallery that she had spent so many hours learning in, so many minutes spent watching other surgeons. Marvelling in their skill and success. Honing her own techniques. She had made her friends in that gallery, small talk thrown about as they watched someone's body being cut open. Anyone else who wasn't a surgeon would think they're crazy, weird almost. Sitting and having conversation, making jokes, talking about feeble things such as who is dating whom and who cheated on whom whilst someone was being cut into. But that's what they did. She sighed softly before hopping off the table, walking over to the door where Teddy was stood, taking one last look before she followed after her.
/
Arizona flicked her way through her phone as she trudged along behind Teddy, searching to check the time of her flight. It wasn't until later that night, leaving her enough time to finish up with everything here, at home, and then head to the airport. She had a strange swirling in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about the airport. She wanted to call it excitement, even nerves, but for some reason it kept coming up as fear. She could tell that every time Teddy looked at her she was seeing it all over her face, her friend thankfully choosing not to comment on it.
"Dr Robbins, I need you to sign this for me- oh, is the party now?"
"Party? What party?" Arizona asked quickly as she took the chart from Guzman, signing at the bottom without looking at where she was signing, her eyes burning in Teddy who was groaning loudly beside her, "Teddy, what party?"
"Seriously, Guzman? I search this entire hospital for an hour looking for her, manage to drag her all the way up here, and you ruin the stupid surprise the minute before everyone is about to shout surprise."
"I'm sorry, I thought-"
"Go away, right now. You're uninvited." Teddy snapped, flicking her hand at Guzman and glaring at her as she sheepishly took the chart from Arizona and skirted away down the hall. Arizona took a slow steady breath and plastered a smile onto her lips, glancing at the door to the attending's lounge apprehensively, before looking to Teddy.
"Teddy, you shouldn't have."
"I know but-"
"No, really, you shouldn't have." Arizona spoke through a clenched and forced laugh, her whole body slumping at the thought of the people behind the door waiting for her. All she wanted was to go to Joe's, to knock back a drink with Teddy, and have one last tequila shot with her. She wanted to spend her last night in Seattle at the same gin soaked bar she had spent so many previously. Teddy just laughed, as though she was reading Arizona's mind, and held her hands up defensively.
"I know, I didn't. This wasn't my idea, it was Bailey's so you need to get rid of the horrified look on your face right now and act surprised when you walk in. I tried to tell her that you hate parties, but she wouldn't listen."
Arizona forced out one last sigh, pushing all of her sulkiness with it, before opening the door and walking in. The shout of surprise shocked her, not because she didn't know it was coming, but because of how loud it was. She hadn't been expecting many to be present. She had been to these parties far too many times in the past, dragged along by someone or only showing up for the free food. She knew that the numbers present were usually low, but as she looked around the room her eyes fell on more faces that she would have anticipated. She laughed at the Good Luck Dr Robbinsbanner that hung on the back wall, scruffy and slightly illegible painted words. Arizona shuffled into the room as people turned back to their conversation, the odd person offering their comments and hugs. When she reached Bailey at the back of the room she watched as she held her hands up to offer the room, showing how impressed she was with herself.
"Bailey, you really didn't need to do all of this. I'll be back all the time to visit and consult on patients I'm still working with. It'll feel like I've never really left."
"I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I called you an infant on roller skates once, you know?" Bailey spoke casually as she examined a sandwich before dropping it down onto her plate. Arizona frowned at Teddy when she cackled, looking back to Bailey and cocking her head in confusion.
"Excuse me?"
"The first case we worked on together was-"
"Jackson Prescott, I remember." Arizona smiled, watching as Bailey nodded. Arizona felt her mind flood with the memory of the case, her brain able to recall nearly every aspect of it. She hadn't been at the hospital long, barely a month or so. She had hardly made friends, hadn't explored Seattle any more than to and from her apartment, and spent every single day debating with herself whether to ring Hopkins and beg for a job or not. She recalled sitting on a bench in the rain, hating the Seattle weather back then, and ringing her friend in Baltimore to complain about Bailey. It was only after an hour pep-talk that they convinced her to stand up to Bailey, her friend's words echoing in her head as she stood in front of Bailey and told her to place Jackson Prescott on the transplant list whilst offering Norman McCale's number.
"I didn't like you. I didn't like your name, I didn't like your perkiness and I sure as hell didn't like that you told me my course of treatment was wrong. So I called you an infant on roller skates and asked for someone better."
"Thanks for letting me know, I guess." Arizona laughed, feeling somewhat uncomfortable and confused. She looked to Teddy to help, rolling her eyes as she watched Teddy pick her way through the buffet, stacking her plate high.
"What I'm trying to say is, if I had known then I know now, I would never have asked for anyone better because I would have known I was working with the best already. So, I'm sorry about that."
"Bailey, you literally saved my life. I think you repaid me enough for calling me a name years ago."
"You know," Teddy broke through, a mouthful of sandwich shoved into her cheek, "I even hate her stupid roller skates and she's my best friend. I tried to throw them in the trash once but she caught me. I spend a surprising amount of time hoping that she'll fall over one day. I'm not saying I want her to break bones or anything, I'm not a savage, I'm just hoping for a grazed knee or something."
Both Arizona and Bailey turned their bodies to look at Teddy, Arizona trying to suppress her laugh as she watched Bailey just frown in confusion. They stared for a few second, Teddy swallowing the chunk of sandwich, before Bailey refaced Arizona.
"Good luck at Hopkins, Robbins. You'll be missed here." Arizona flashed her a big smile as she watched Bailey walk away, her voice booming through the room as she scolded Yang for suturing a banana and Karev for sneaking food from the table.
"Who would have known that Bailey had such a soft spot for you? Miracles really do happen every day." Teddy laughed, Arizona shoving her and hearing a huff of air come from Teddy as she stumbled. Arizona sighed as she leant against the wall, pulling her phone from her pocket once more to check the time.
"How long is an acceptable amount of time for me to wait here before I lie that I have some packing I still need to finish?"
"I'd say you're looking at least half an hour more, possibly an hour." Teddy spoke as they walked over to the table filled with drinks. Arizona lifted a bottle of wine in front of her, groaning when she read it was non-alcoholic. She snatched up one of the plastic cups and poured a glass anyway, sipping it and grimacing as it slid down her throat.
"So I guess we're not getting that last drink."
"I have a flask filled with tequila in my bag." Teddy commented as she grabbed the bottle and poured herself a glass, lifting it to toast with the blonde. Arizona just smirked at her, Teddy's lips curling up at the side.
"I knew I kept you around for a reason."
/
Arizona stood looking down at the selection of food that was left on the savaged table in front of her. She lifted a small sandwich, eyeing it for a moment, before dropping it down onto her plate and moving along. She poked her fork against a slice of cake before choosing against it, turning to see Mark stood next to her. She tried to control the shock that was running through her body, hoping it didn't appear on her face when she smiled back at him as she leant across her to grab a plate. Arizona watched, somewhat impressed, at the speed in which he stacked his plate high with food whilst simultaneously shoving some into his open mouth.
"So, are you excited or nervous?" He asked after a moment, Arizona setting the sandwich that was in her hand down, dropping the plate onto the table and sighing as she lifted her drink.
"A little bit of both. Mainly excited." She lied, forcing the corner of her mouth to pull up into a smile. She swallowed thickly, taking a gulp of her drink when Mark's stare started to feel like an interrogation light, his head cocking to the side as though he wanted to look deeper at her.
"You really can't stay?"
"I would have thought you, of all people, would have been calling my taxi to the airport for me."
"You would have thought wrong."
"If you say so." Arizona laughed as she took a drink once more, looking back to Mark as he forked away at his cake. She could feel him looking at her every few seconds, his eyes always lifting from his plate and burning into the side of her plate. She tried to ignore it, pretend he wasn't doing it. She watched some of the nurses in the room who were laughing away or dancing, before risking a glance to Mark. Their eyes met, Arizona raising her eyebrows to ask him why he was staring.
"You know, Robbins, you've never been against me in my eyes. I know we've clashed in the past and it's always seemed like we just don't get along, but when I push all of the bullshit aside, I've always admired you. You're a great surgeon, you've been a good friend to people here, and you always treated Callie with nothing but love as far as I can see. And I admire that. Even when things have been rough between you two, even now when everything seems to finally be done, you treat her with love."
"Thank you, Mark." Arizona spoke weakly, nodding her head and looking back to her glass. The thought of Callie was an unwelcome one in that moment. She couldn't think of her. She couldn't think of anything that would relate to her and cause her mind to spiral off down a rabbit hole she knew was dangerous territory. Arizona knew that if she thought of Callie for too long she would most likely spend her entire flight either drowned in her tears, or in alcohol, and she didn't have the energy for either option.
"I guess what I'm saying is… I'll sort of miss you, Robbins." Mark laughed, pulling Arizona's eyes up from her non-alcoholic drink. Arizona flashed a non-forced, non-faked, and fully fledged smile at him, beginning to repeat the same phrase back to him but have the words knocked out of her when Mark's arms wrapped around her and pulled her forcefully against his body. She felt her drink swish up the side of the glass and spill slightly onto her fingers, a laugh coming from her mouth but being muffled but his large chest that she was pressed into. She patted him on the back in the same way she would pat a small dog's head, waiting for him to let her go and gritting her teeth when he clenched tighter, "You sure you can't stay then?"
"Yep. It's pretty much a done deal now."
"I'll look after her. I know you're about to say that she's strong and doesn't need anyone to look after her, never mind a man, but I will. She'll be okay, you know?"
"She's Calliope Torres, she'll always find a way to be okay."
Arizona felt his arms wrap impossibly tighter after she hummed the words against him. She stopped the hand that was patting on his back and instead wrapped it around him, pressing it against his warmth. She was suddenly thankful for the shelter of his arms and the pressure of his squeeze when tears pooled her eyes, praying he would force them back down into her body.
/
Arizona shut the door behind her, closing her eyes for a moment and letting out a thankful sigh when the singing and noise from inside the room was cut off. She let go of the handle and turned to see Teddy leaning against the wall of the hallway. Two plastic cups in one hand, a flask in the other, and a cheeky grin on her face. Arizona could stop the laugh that tickled up her throat, sauntering over to the other woman who pushed off the wall.
"You know, it's kind of rude to basically force someone into being your friend and then leave them to move to the other side of the country."
"Yeah, I guess it sort of is, but remember how much fun you had on ladies night?" Arizona teased, hearing Teddy snort as she handed over one of the plastic cups and began to unscrew the lid of the flask. Arizona looked around, catching the eyes of a passing doctor who worked in radiology, a frown on judgement on his face as he took into the scene.
"There is nothing quite like watching Bailey try and swing for a baseball." Teddy laughed as she flicked the lid off the flask and poured a small amount into her cup, Arizona offering hers over and watching as the tequila poured into it. It was only a small mouthful, a final shot for them to knock back.
"Promise me you'll come and visit?" Arizona asked as she watched Teddy re-screw the lid and drop the flask into her pocket. She looked back up to Arizona, her eye flickering between her sad and eyes and weak smile.
"I promise. Do you promise to come back and drink a ridiculous amount of champagne with me whilst we shop for my wedding dress?"
"I promise." Arizona declared, laughing when Teddy raised the glasses in a toast. Arizona knocked hers against the others before clenching to brace herself for the drink, knocking it back and feeling it run down her throat into her stomach. It was the first alcohol she had consumed since the shooting, the burning in her chest feeling all too familiar and making her heart beat strenuously for a moment.
"You better go or you'll miss your flight." Teddy spoke as she took the cup from Arizona's hand and slotted it into her empty one, holding them at her side. Arizona laughed and arched an eyebrow, bumping her shoulder playfully against Teddy's.
"You're pretty eager to get rid of me. If I recall correctly, you once told me that I wasn't allowed to run away to the other side of the country just because I was sad and that I should tell Hopkins to shove their job offer up their ass."
"Yeah, well… Sometimes a fresh start can be good for people. I don't want you to go, Arizona, but I kind of want you to be happy. So if that means leaving, then… Just go and be happy, okay? Go and be the happiest you can be and save all the tiny humans on the east coast."
"I'll try my best." Arizona whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, ignoring the tears in the back of her eyes and she watched Teddy chew on her lip. Teddy pulled the flask back out from her pocket and shook it like a small child, a playful smile back on her face.
"One more?"
/
Arizona tugged her hair out from underneath the strap of her bag, adjusting it on her shoulder as she walked down the hallways for the last time. She could hear the rain hammering outside, struggling to contain the panic every time she walked past a window and saw the torrential downpour that clouded the surface, her brain reminding her that she needed to be on a plane in a few hours. Arizona swallowed thickly as she walked towards the lobby to hand in the chart of the last patient she had seen before she left.
She didn't know why she chose to stop, or why she chose that particularly OR, but something made her feet come to a halt and step through the doorway into an OR gallery. Her chest tightened at the sight of Callie down below, her hands collecting a drill from a nurse and holding it firmly. Arizona couldn't stop the feeling of awe that washed over her body as she stepped down into the darkened gallery. Every time she watched her work she was in complete awe of her; her strength, her overwhelming passion, her undeniable wisdom and never-ending capabilities. In the past she had realised that there were times when they were in the same room together, and Arizona would notice that she couldn't take her eyes off her, and this was another one of those times. Maybe it because this was the last time she would see her, or maybe it was just because she wanted to look at her for a few minutes.
She felt an overwhelming need to soak in every last detail of her, for the last time. She took in her scrub cap, the red swirls against the silver background. She remembered the first day she wore it, a sign of her attending position. She remembered how proud she had been when Callie has asked her to tie it for her, a wide grin covering her face as she spoke. Arizona took in the sight of her hands, moving with an artistic pace that still left her breath stuck in her throat even after years of watching her. Every little detail felt like a small dagger to her skin. It didn't particularly hurt, but she noticed the pinch none the less. Arizona wondered if she would ever come to a point in Baltimore where she didn't feel like something was missing because Callie wasn't there. She didn't know whether she wanted to come to that point or not. She wanted to knock on the window and wave, but every single thought and nerve in her body knew better. Every part of her knew better than her heart now, and something that would have led to an inner debate weeks or even months ago was now shot down before it could even begin.
She blinked one last time at her, capturing the picture and turning around to freeze at the sight of Webber sat on the back row. He was surrounded by paper work, his glasses hanging low on his nose so he could read the stack of files on his lap. Arizona considered for a moment just walking out. He appeared to be so absorbed in his paperwork that she was almost certain he didn't even know she was there, until he looked up after a minute.
"Chief, I didn't see you." She breathed, flashing an awkward smile back at him and watching as he took the glasses off his face and set them down on the files. She watched as he smirked at her, nodding his head at the window and down the Callie.
"She has such steady hands, it's pretty amazing." He spoke, his eyes looking down into the OR and watching Callie as she pressed the drill further and further into the patient's spine, as though she was building an Ikea wardrobe. Arizona struggled to swallow, her mouth feeling dry, so she poked her tongue out to wet her lips as she nodded.
"I know, she's pretty amazing." Arizona breathed once more, sucking her bottom lip and chewing on it. She could feel her teeth biting too hard on the skin, but she was nervous for some reason. She felt like she had been caught doing something, as though her watching Callie for those brief few minutes should have been a private event. And the more she thought about it, the more she realised she wished they had been. She wished those last few moment had just been Callie and her, nothing and nobody else.
"When I walked in her entire body was shaking, she was pretty much trembling, but her hands weren't. Even in that moment, her hands were perfectly still. She was terrified, but her hands were perfect," Webber spoke, a small cough clearing his throat as Arizona frowned in confusion at him, "I told her to step aside and leave the OR. She threatened to break every single bone in my body in the most painful way she knew if I made her leave. It took Bailey coming in and making one of her big long speeches for her to step aside and let us continue. But she didn't leave. She took a seat right next to your head. She held your head for the entire thing, just talking to you, as though you were awake and listening to her. I could hear her begging you when you flat lined, God, her cry was something that still gives me chills now…"
"Wait, Callie operated on me? I was told it was just you and Bailey in there the whole time." Arizona spoke quickly, turning her body away from the window to fully look at Webber. A strange tingling sensation was flowing over her skin, confusion and shock making her heart thump. She thought back to waking up in the ICU, Teddy walking into her room to see her reading her own chart and helping her with some of the gaps. You were bleeding out. Callie got you down to the OR. Mostow found Webber in the hospital and Bailey was just outside. They operated on you.
"By the time Mostow found me and I got there she had stopped the bleeding and was beginning the repairs. Your stats were good and you were stable. She saved your life, Robbins. And you saved hers too. But now you're leaving and, in my opinion, that's going to hurt her a lot more than watching you bleed out. So, you need to make sure you're making the right decision here, because this is going to hurt her so much that she might never be able to forgive you. You won't be able to walk back into her life in a few years' time when you realise that you walked away from the love of your life. So, are you sure about this?"
"I don't…" Arizona voice faded when she heard the uncertainty so clear in her own voice, clenching her jaw for a moment, "I'm doing the right thing, Chief. I'm making her happy again."
"And yourself?" Arizona stood in silence for a moment, watching Callie. She could see her lifting her head and looking at nurse at the end of the table, a comment being made that made everyone in the OR begin laughing. Arizona turned away, her back to the window. That's how she wanted to remember her. That was the last image of Callie she wanted to have; her laughing. She looking to Webber and shrugged as she headed for the door.
"I'll get there, I guess."
/
Arizona bounced her leg up and down as she sat on the edge of the chair, watching the people passing by and praying that time would go quicker. She had an unfamiliar nausea in the pit of her stomach that was only increasing due to the way her heart was beating irregularly in her chest. She could feel it beating in an abnormal pattern, her breathing not helping. Every time she heard a voice come across the speaker she would feel herself tense, her breathing stopping until she heard the destination, and strange sensation of relief wash through her whenever it wasn't her plane. Her hands were clammy as she wiped them across her jean covered thighs, her knee bouncing up and down with every movement. This wasn't how she was supposed to be feeling. She had coached herself, trained herself, told herself it wouldn't be like this. For weeks she had imagined how she would be feeling in this moment, lay in bed at night preparing herself for this, and how she was feeling now wasn't it. She hadn't prepared for the crushing thought that was in the back of her head telling her she might never be able to get out of her chair.
She let out a deep, shaky breath before grabbing her bag up off the floor and searching through it for her phone. She shoved everything to the side, her hand wrapping around it as she pulled it out. She flicked through her contacts quickly, pressing Nick's name and holding the phone against her ear as she chewed on her nail and chanted under her breath for him to answer.
"I thought you're meant to be on a plane right now." Nick spoke into the voice, Arizona hearing the sound of fading voices followed by a door closing in the background.
"I need you to convince me to get on the plane," Arizona spoke quickly into the phone, ignoring the attention she had gained from the English family sat across from her, "I need you to tell me I'm doing the right thing and that I should just get on the plane. Tell me that, please."
"No." Nick laughed down the phone as soon as Arizona finished, his voice casual and smooth. Arizona frowned as she held the phone tighter, her bouncing leg stopping when she looked back to the English family to see both parents and the eldest son all staring at her, a mixture of concern for her and for themselves.
"What?"
"Sorry, that's a no-can-do, Phoenix. I'm not going to tell you that. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm too good a friend to do that." He laughed down the phone, Arizona leaning back in the seat and closing her eyes for moment, flinching when the overhead speaker announced a flight boarding for New York. She rubbed at her forehead with her fingers, trying to rid herself of the painful headache behind her eyes.
"If you were really such a good friend you would just tell me to get on the plane. You would tell me it's the best thing to do and that I should just get on the damn plane."
"I don't believe that and I don't think you do either, otherwise you wouldn't be ringing me and sweating in your airport seat."
"Nick…" Arizona groaned, leaning forward to rest her elbow on her knee and dropping her forehead down onto her hand. She heard Nick sigh deeply down the phone, a small hum of disagreement following after it.
"No, I am a good friend, okay? I'm a great friend. I'm such a great friend that I'm going to hit you with some home truths right now. You love her, Phoenix. Whether you want to or not, whether you think you do or, whether you care or not, you love her. More than I've ever seen anyone love someone. You love her more than anything else on this entire planet. And you'll never love anyone else that way again, that just doesn't happen. You don't get to have what you have now twice in one lifetime. So stop punishing yourself and making yourself believe that you're something you're not. Stop telling yourself you can't have what you want. And for God's sake, stop being so scared of every little thing that is in your life."
"I'm not scared of-"
"Yes, you are. You're scared of everything and its stopping you from having what you really want. Get on the plane if you truly believe that you're not running because you're scared. Get on the plane if you truly believe this is what you want. But I can guarantee in a few months' time you'll realise that just because you don't see her every day, doesn't mean you don't still love her. Phoenix, just go and be happy. Let yourself be truly happy for once, stop giving such a shit about everything else, because it doesn't matter."
Arizona felt like her head was going to explode. Every time she thought about getting up for the plane her legs felt heavy, but every time she thought about leaving the airport and going home she felt a strong invisible barrier stopping her. She groaned into the phone, pretty certain the family were still staring at her but not caring enough to look. She breathed deeply for a moment, trying to clear her head, before hearing the voice crack through the speaker once more. She head brief words from it. Flight. Gate now open. Baltimore. Her stomach clenched impossibly tight. She tensed her jaw when she thought she was going to be sick, Nick's voice starting on the other end but being stopped when she cut through him.
"I have to go, Nick, they've just opened the gate for my plane to board." Arizona spoke weakly into the phone, lifting her head from her hand and letting her eyes fall on the family in front of her. She heard Nick let out a frustrated groan down the phone, sounding almost angry.
"Arizona," He snapped, his voice sounding harsh and soft all at the same time. It made Arizona flinch at hearing her name on his lips. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard him use it. Her shoulders slumped, air coming out of her in a sigh that she didn't even know she had. She opened her mouth and closed it over and over, each time changing what she was going to say. You're right, I'm not getting on the plane. This is crazy, what am I doing here. I'm getting on the plane, this is the right thing. I'm making a good decision. She sat for a moment and chewed on her lip, watching as people walked past her in small groups, all clearly heading for her gate. She swallowed down her thought and let out a slow sigh.
"I have to go, I'll call you when I land."
Arizona pulled the phone away from her ear as she heard Nick's voice, ending the call and dropping it into her bag. She lifted it from the floor and began to drop her book in it, collecting the things from around her. She sat in her seat for a moment, trying to get some good breaths into her so that when she stood her legs wouldn't give way. She couldn't help but watch the family in front of her. The mother flicking through a magazine with the eldest son whist the father bounced a small four year old on his knee, her giggle rippling through the area. The corner of her mouth tugged up into a small smile, Arizona watching and listening to her laugh for a moment more before pushing herself up.
She walked through the airport until she arrived at her gate, joining the queue and fishing through her bag for her boarding pass and passport. She tried to focus her mind on what she would do once she was in Baltimore. She would go to her new, empty apartment. She would maybe pop into the hospital. This was the right thing to do, she told herself over and over. She had friends in Baltimore, an apartment, a job. Maybe she would meet someone. Maybe she would find someone who was like her, who wanted the same things as her, and she would be happy. Maybe in five years' time she would look back on this moment and laugh. Everything would be so different in five years' time, she wouldn't feel like this. This was all just temporary, it would pass. Everything would pass.
Arizona stared at the carpet absentmindedly as she shuffled in the line, her mind wandering to her life in five years' time. She had been expecting her thought process to all link up, for her imagination to offer her a silver lining and cloud of comfort, but all it did was give her the feeling she was falling through the sky with no parachute. Every time she blinked she would see a big old house, flowers littering the garden. She could hear the giggles she would wake up to, walking down the stairs and into the kitchen to see Callie making pancakes with a small child. Their child. Arizona felt like someone was punching her repeatedly in the stomach as she stood there, her life being shown to her like she was watching a movie she didn't know.
"Ma'am, can I have your boarding pass please. Ma'am?"
Arizona snapped her head up to see the space that was between her and the woman in front, a confused smile on her face. Arizona glanced to the person behind, a grumble coming from them as they stepped even closer to force her forward. Arizona muttered an apology that was barely audible, stepping forward and turning back to offer a proper apology. As she turned her eyes fell on the family from earlier, walking through the airport and heading for wherever they were going. Arizona didn't know them. She didn't know who they were or where they were going, but when she looked at them she felt a sense of longing to be them. She wanted to be the mom holding hands with her son, the dad carrying the little girl on his shoulders. She wanted to have a family. She wanted to build the family she had always wanted. She turned back around the woman when she asked for her boarding pass once more.
"I'm sorry," Arizona mumbled weakly when the woman frowned at her, the blonde shaking her head and taking a step back. She bumped into the man, his previous grumble now louder and more annoyed, "I'm sorry. I uhm… I need to go. Right now."
Arizona turned and pushed her way out of the line, her shoulders colliding with so many people as she rushed her way out. She felt like someone had set her body on fire as she walked through the airport, her legs moving quicker than she knew possible. She dropped her boarding pass into the trash as she walked past, her body practically running as her mind thought of Callie over and over. In that moment, as she ran her way through the airport, she knew more than ever that she didn't want her life now, or her life in Baltimore, but she wanted her life in five years. She wanted to build her life with Callie, to become everything she had dreamt she would have when she was six years old and wishing for a different family. She wanted Callie, and everything that came along with her.
/
Arizona's eyes snapped open when she heard the sound of footsteps clicking against the wooden floor of the hallway. She shot her head to look down the hallway, her head that had been hammering in her chest slowing when she watched a young couple walk past and eyes her cautiously for a moment. She offered a weak smile before dropping her head back against the wall, blinking her eyes awake. She grabbed her phone from her bag, reading the time and ignoring the insane amount of texts from Nick asking whether she had gotten on the plane. She had been sat outside the blue door for nearly four hours and asleep for the past hour. She licked at her dry lips as she brushed off her shirt, her hands covered in a constant clammy sweat from the nerves that had been bubbling in the pit of her stomach ever since the taxi had pulled up outside Callie's building. It felt strange to be back after so long, and yet Arizona felt like this had always been her second home.
Arizona fiddled with the hem of her shirt for a while longer, letting out a deep breath to try and shake the nerves that were radiating all over her body and making her feel ill. Every time she heard footsteps on the hallway she felt a soar of panic rush through her, only for it to pop like a deflated balloon when her eyes fell upon someone else. Arizona heard the doors to the elevator ping open around the corner, the sound of feet on the wood once more. Even before she saw her she knew it was her.
Just like that the nerves that had been building in her stomach exploded all over her body, making it feel somewhere between being on fire and completely numb. She eyes fell upon Callie who was turning the corner, her head buried down as she searched through her bag on her shoulder. She was wearing her scruffy, worn out Miami Heat's shirt that Arizona always loved her in, her favourite leather jacket thrown over it. She looked perfectly imperfect. Arizona felt her mouth go dry as she watched her. Her heart was hammering so hard in her chest that she was surprised that neither Callie heard it nor did she have a heart attack. Arizona watched as Callie fished her keys from her bag, letting out a low sigh before looking up. Her feet stopped. She was stood in the middle of the hallway, her eyes widening as they took in the sight of Arizona sat on the floor next to the door. The blonde fumbled onto her feet, her legs feeling weak and stiff as she brushed herself down.
"You're supposed to be on a plane." Callie spoke as she pointed at Arizona with a large bunch of keys in her hand. Arizona loved the way Callie frowned at her, the confused line forming between her eyes and her brows tugging down. The blonde cocked her head to the side, offering a small smile to Callie and shrugging her shoulders softly. Her mind had been so blank for her hours. She had sat next to the door and brainstormed what she was going to say, searching for ideas and eventually finding some. But now she realised she didn't need to spend all that time searching, because with just one look at Callie she knew what she was going to say. She knew everything that she wanted the other woman to hear, the words tumbling from her mouth like a wall had been broken and months and months of words were falling out.
"I'm an idiot," Arizona croaked out, swallowing the thickness in her throat and continuing, "I was about to get on the plane and the longer I stood there, the more I realised I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I thought leaving was the right thing to do, but it's not. Having a country between us won't change the fact that every night I climb into bed feeling cold and empty because you're not here. I still wake up sometimes in the night and stretch my arm out for you, even now. Even after all of this time apart. Without you I feel lonely, Callie. There could be a million people surrounding me and I would feel lonely and scared in this world without you. I want you, Calliope, all of you. I want the hard-core-surgeon-Callie who stuns me with how amazingly talented you can be with your perfectly steady hands. I want the Callie whose kiss makes me forget about everything, like you're wiping every worry clear from my head. And more than anything, I want the Callie who is going to sit with our kids and read them bedtime stories before tucking them in."
Arizona felt the words drop from her lips when the sob from Callie cracked through the hallway and bounced off the walls, the blonde clenching her jaw and she took in the sight of tears streaming down the brunette's face. Callie was wiping at her eyes with her spare hand, batting away the tears and just whimpering to herself quietly. Arizona felt tears in her own eyes but held them back. She was going to finish this. She was going to say everything she wanted to say and she was going to make sure it was clear. Callie deserved this. She deserved everything.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to realise this, I know I haven't been fair, and I know even now this isn't fair. The thought of children… it terrifies me. I'm terrified that I won't be good enough, or that I I'll turn into someone I don't want to be, or that everything will just go wrong. My whole life that scared me, so one day I just decided that it was easier not to have children, but I was wrong. The thought of children terrifies me, but the thought of children with you? It gives me this warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't ignore anymore. When I'm with you, I'm not scared of anything. Watching you be a mother will be the most perfect thing I will ever see, and I want to see that for the rest of my life. I want to wake up on a Sunday morning in some big old house that is ours and walk down the stairs to see you dancing around the kitchen with a mini-you on your hip. I want that every single Sunday. So maybe our kids will end up resenting me, or wishing they were nothing like me. But that's okay, because they'll have you. Maybe they won't even be like me, they'll be like you and that'll be perfect. So please, forgive me. Please love me, Callie. Because I don't know what I'm going anymore but when I'm with you none of that matters. When I look at you I don't care about anything else, and I just want to feel like that forever. I love you, Calliope. Please say that you love me too."
Arizona felt like there was no air in the hallway as she stood and looked at the woman in front of her. Callie let out a small huff of air, wiping her fingers under her eyes and removing tears that only returned a moment later. As a few seconds passed Arizona felt a stab on panic hit her core. She hadn't considered the idea that Callie might not want her anymore. That after all this time, all of this back-and-forth game, that maybe Callie was tired. Maybe Callie felt they weren't right for each other anymore. Maybe everything that had been said in the past week, all of the comments of about them being too much for each other now, were true. Arizona felt like she was going to be sick, her heart hammering hard in her chest and her pulse rushing through her head. She could hear it so clear in her ears, the flow of her blood. She just stood and watched the brunette, waiting for something. Anything. She heard a small laugh come from Callie, Arizona frowning and cocking her head to the side. It took a moment for Arizona to catch up to what was happening, her eyes taking in the sight of Callie closing the space in between, dropping her bag on the floor, and grabbing Arizona's face in her hands before capturing her lips.
Arizona felt their mouths falter against each other for a moment, tears falling from her eyes when she closed them. She weaved her hands into Callie's jacket, gripping at a handful of her grey shirt and holding her like she would never let go. She kissed her like it was their first and last time all in one. One of Callie's hand clutched her neck, holding her in place, the other weaving into her hair and bunching it. Arizona could feel her legs moving as Callie pressed against her, both of them stumbling a few paces back until a thud echoed around the hallway and Arizona felt herself pressed up against Callie's door. She could practically feel the smile on Callie's lips as they kissed, Arizona clutching at her and pulling her impossibly close. She wanted to feel the weight of Callie against her. She wanted to run her hands over every single piece of skin, feel every single curve under the tips of finger. She kissed her like there nothing else left in the world to do but kiss her. She wanted to groan when Callie pulled away with a gasp, both of them needing air, but stopped herself when Callie didn't move far. She felt her forehead against hers, Arizona moving her hand up to cup Callie's cheek when the brunette let out a small sob of tears. She felt like she needed to be touching her at all time, her fingers tracing her skin and reminding her of every small indent. Arizona pressed her lips against her cheek, then the other, then her nose. She kissed all over her face as Callie giggled between her tears, a noise that made Arizona's legs go weak. Callie pulled her head off Arizona's, only an inch between their faces and looked her directly in the eye.
"I love you too."