Four Months Later
2035 EST
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
Four months ago, he had told her to forget about him. He had told her to concentrate on her relationship with Mic. Much to both his amazement and disappointment, she had. Last month, a wedding date was decided upon. Everything was going in the direction that she wanted. He only hoped.
Right now, though, Sarah MacKenzie was the farthest thing on his mind. Two nights ago, an ex-girlfriend was killed and NCIS ruled it as a suicide. Obviously, Harm didn't believe those findings at all. Jordan Parker was not one to end her life so abruptly. Mac helped him convince the Admiral to do their own investigation, to find out the truth.
To everyone, Harm was being a first class jerk. He wanted to find out the truth just like everyone else, but he was obsessed by it. It was as if he was committing himself to Jordan in her death. Unlike when he could not when she was alive. The commitment to Jordan at the moment was infuriating Renee.
He didn't want to talk to Renee. Not about his relationship with Jordan. Not about how it ended between the two of them. He most certainly did not want to talk about himself. Harm couldn't understand why he was obsessing over Jordan's death. Maybe it was his way of apologizing for the hurt he caused her by returning to flying. She had been lucid when she learned of his change of designator. She was not in love with Harmon Rabb, the fighter pilot. Jordan fell in love with Harmon Rabb, the lawyer.
Harm did not want the relationship to end just because he was back to flying. He thought they could work it out somehow. It never happened. When he returned from flying, he let her know that he wanted to see her. Jordan met him at his apartment and informed him that the relationship was really over. She accepted a duty station in Spain. Jordan ended it the way she wanted, by walking away and never looking back.
A yelling voice broke through his thoughts, "Harm, do I have to die for you to commit to me?"
"Renee-" He sighed deeply, then continued, "Just give me a week, okay?"
"Give me a call when you're ready to talk and pay attention to me." She stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.
Harm laid his head back against the cushions of the couch, sighing deeply. Renee was right, though. He could not commit to any of his girlfriends he had throughout his adult life. He could not even commit to Mac and she was the one he really wanted. He wanted more than sex with Mac. For the first time in his life, Harmon Rabb wanted everything with one woman. He wanted the typical American dream: house with a white picket fence, a wife, and the 2.5 kids. However, he was hiding behind the shield he built around his heart after losing his father. No one could get past it. Jordan somehow managed to analyze some of the reasons why he acted the way he did. She had only dented the shield.
Mac was the only one who got through. Ironically, she was the one he kept turning away, thinking she could do better. In both his heart and mind, she was the one. Those two just had to get the message to his mouth, so he could say the words. As if that'll ever happen.
A soft chuckle exited his mouth. He found a bit funny that he would start thinking about Jordan and end up with Mac. God, he missed her. It wasn't the sex that he was missing. He missed his best friend. There was certain banter between them at work and that was missing in action. Things were changing and he hated it. In a week would be her engagement party. The final nail in the coffin.
After the party came the wedding. One wedding that he would be missing if he had his way. His carrier quals were coming up and he hoped that they fell on the weekend of Mac's wedding. He knew that he was being childish, but he didn't care. He could not dress up, put a happy smile on his face, and watched Mac marry Mic Brumby, acting like it didn't bother him one bit. He could not do that!
Yet, everyone thought that Mac's relationship with Mic didn't bother him. He put on a good front around his coworkers. Nonetheless, it did bother him. Bothered him so much that it made him sick. It should be him that she's marrying.
A relationship between him and Mac should've happened a long time. God, their first night together, his heart was definitely in it. He could not make himself feel nothing for Mac. She was a beautiful, strong, compassionate woman.
She had that persona of taking shit from no one and she certainly did not need protecting. Not only did others get that from looking at her, but she let him know as well.
Harm knew since he was one that she told. She did not let him get away with anything and it was like that today. He was used to Meg and getting away with things, but when Mac came along, that stopped.
He laughed as the memory of their first case together, came into his mind. Harm always thought that his smile could melt any woman. Mac wasn't just 'any woman'. She saw right through him. He crashed and burned on that attempt, as did he in Colombia. Only that time, he had his dress whites on, complete with gold wings. Mac loved reminding him that she was immune to everything that Navy fighter pilots were about.
Mac, however, could not get away with anything when it came to Harm. He knew her too well. He knew when she was lying to him. Her lip curled up in a sexy manner when she was lying. She looked surprised the first time he caught her on it. After only a year together, they could read each other so well.
Knew each other better than a significant other. And there were a lot of those throughout their partnership. Even through all his relationships, he had loved only one woman. He could not that woman, though. It was as if he was afraid. Afraid of what, he did not know. Maybe he was afraid that Mac didn't feel the same way. On the other hand, maybe he was afraid of her loving him as well, knowing that someone actually loved Harmon Rabb.
Numerous times, he wished that the conversation in Sydney Harbor went a different direction. If only he could turn back time. He would let Mac know that he loved her. He wouldn't skirt around the issue. However, Harm was not Father Time.
He was only human. Human enough to know his mistakes. Human enough to regret all the things that he didn't say to Mac. Sure, he was a fighter pilot. He had stared death in the face most of his adult life, and lived to tell about it. He wasn't immortal. He did have soul. A soul that was breaking everyday as Mac's wedding crept closer.
There were certainly times when he hated being human. The night of his ramp strike was one of those as were the days, weeks, and months that followed it. During that time, he hated himself. Hated that he killed a friend, someone who did not deserve to die. He didn't want to feel anything. He just wanted to be numb. He didn't want anyone around him. He wanted to be alone and wallow in his self-pity.
For months, his demons would be re-occurring dreams about the crash. Every night, he would wake up in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy, as his mind reenacted it. Somehow, someway, with super human strength, he conquered his demons. Yet, whenever he looked at his wings or his service record, those demons come rushing back for a brief moment.
Harmon Rabb was human.
He just didn't let everyone see his human side. He showed them the cocky, ex-fighter pilot, who wanted justice to be right, even if it meant going to the ends of the earth for it. He always had to be right. He was always on his pedestal, never to be knocked off.
Harmon Rabb was human.
He let his coworkers see through his shield for a brief moment when it came to his father. That was his weak spot. For that brief moment, his friends saw the real Harmon Rabb. They saw the hurt and pain of a little boy losing his father. They saw the elation of knowing that his father might still be alive.
Harmon Rabb was human.
He let his true feelings show when making love with Mac. He poured his heart and soul into pleasuring the woman he adored. Even in the morning, he didn't hide what he was feeling. Mac could see everything reflected in his eyes.
Harm got up from the couch, a bit agitated with where his thoughts went. He went over to the window and watched the city of D.C. What kind of person had he become? There, he was, thinking about the woman he loved; yet, he did nothing. All he had to do was pick up the phone, call her, and tell her. He just kept telling himself that it was too late.
Too late for what? Too late for him to declare his love for Sarah MacKenzie? Too late to realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life four months ago?
He furiously ran his fingers through his hair as he thought about that night. Mac gave him an ultimatum and he did nothing. Nothing! He did what he did best. He walked away.
Mac was lost to him forever because he was a stupid bastard.
All he had to do was pick up the phone and dial her number. It was that simple. Yet, he made the simplest of things complicated. How could he be so dense about the one thing he really wanted? He wanted Mac. He needed her. And he never needed anything in his life, but he needed Mac.
The ironic thing about all this, no matter how many times he let Mac down or hurt her, she still loved him. She never gave up on him, even with Mic's ring on her finger. She was always there, loving him while she loved another man. How could she do that? How could she divide her love among two people and still be sane in the end?
Harm made himself stroll over to the desk and pick up his cordless. For what seemed like hours, although it was only a few minutes, he stared at the numbers. He could not make himself dial the numbers that would get Mac on the other end.
"Just dial the number, Rabb. It's not that difficult." Harm stated to himself.
His finger placed itself on the first number, just resting on the surface. Before long, he managed to get the number dialed.
As it rang on the other end, he wondered what he would say to her. How do you begin to tell someone your feelings towards him or her? Were there a right way and a wrong way? Harm didn't know because he had never done this before. This whole scenario was new to him.
His thoughts were cut short when Mac finally answered the phone on the fourth ring. "Mac, it's Harm. I have something to tell you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*
2035 EST
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
Four months ago, he had told her to forget about him. He had told her to concentrate on her relationship with Mic. Much to both his amazement and disappointment, she had. Last month, a wedding date was decided upon. Everything was going in the direction that she wanted. He only hoped.
Right now, though, Sarah MacKenzie was the farthest thing on his mind. Two nights ago, an ex-girlfriend was killed and NCIS ruled it as a suicide. Obviously, Harm didn't believe those findings at all. Jordan Parker was not one to end her life so abruptly. Mac helped him convince the Admiral to do their own investigation, to find out the truth.
To everyone, Harm was being a first class jerk. He wanted to find out the truth just like everyone else, but he was obsessed by it. It was as if he was committing himself to Jordan in her death. Unlike when he could not when she was alive. The commitment to Jordan at the moment was infuriating Renee.
He didn't want to talk to Renee. Not about his relationship with Jordan. Not about how it ended between the two of them. He most certainly did not want to talk about himself. Harm couldn't understand why he was obsessing over Jordan's death. Maybe it was his way of apologizing for the hurt he caused her by returning to flying. She had been lucid when she learned of his change of designator. She was not in love with Harmon Rabb, the fighter pilot. Jordan fell in love with Harmon Rabb, the lawyer.
Harm did not want the relationship to end just because he was back to flying. He thought they could work it out somehow. It never happened. When he returned from flying, he let her know that he wanted to see her. Jordan met him at his apartment and informed him that the relationship was really over. She accepted a duty station in Spain. Jordan ended it the way she wanted, by walking away and never looking back.
A yelling voice broke through his thoughts, "Harm, do I have to die for you to commit to me?"
"Renee-" He sighed deeply, then continued, "Just give me a week, okay?"
"Give me a call when you're ready to talk and pay attention to me." She stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.
Harm laid his head back against the cushions of the couch, sighing deeply. Renee was right, though. He could not commit to any of his girlfriends he had throughout his adult life. He could not even commit to Mac and she was the one he really wanted. He wanted more than sex with Mac. For the first time in his life, Harmon Rabb wanted everything with one woman. He wanted the typical American dream: house with a white picket fence, a wife, and the 2.5 kids. However, he was hiding behind the shield he built around his heart after losing his father. No one could get past it. Jordan somehow managed to analyze some of the reasons why he acted the way he did. She had only dented the shield.
Mac was the only one who got through. Ironically, she was the one he kept turning away, thinking she could do better. In both his heart and mind, she was the one. Those two just had to get the message to his mouth, so he could say the words. As if that'll ever happen.
A soft chuckle exited his mouth. He found a bit funny that he would start thinking about Jordan and end up with Mac. God, he missed her. It wasn't the sex that he was missing. He missed his best friend. There was certain banter between them at work and that was missing in action. Things were changing and he hated it. In a week would be her engagement party. The final nail in the coffin.
After the party came the wedding. One wedding that he would be missing if he had his way. His carrier quals were coming up and he hoped that they fell on the weekend of Mac's wedding. He knew that he was being childish, but he didn't care. He could not dress up, put a happy smile on his face, and watched Mac marry Mic Brumby, acting like it didn't bother him one bit. He could not do that!
Yet, everyone thought that Mac's relationship with Mic didn't bother him. He put on a good front around his coworkers. Nonetheless, it did bother him. Bothered him so much that it made him sick. It should be him that she's marrying.
A relationship between him and Mac should've happened a long time. God, their first night together, his heart was definitely in it. He could not make himself feel nothing for Mac. She was a beautiful, strong, compassionate woman.
She had that persona of taking shit from no one and she certainly did not need protecting. Not only did others get that from looking at her, but she let him know as well.
Harm knew since he was one that she told. She did not let him get away with anything and it was like that today. He was used to Meg and getting away with things, but when Mac came along, that stopped.
He laughed as the memory of their first case together, came into his mind. Harm always thought that his smile could melt any woman. Mac wasn't just 'any woman'. She saw right through him. He crashed and burned on that attempt, as did he in Colombia. Only that time, he had his dress whites on, complete with gold wings. Mac loved reminding him that she was immune to everything that Navy fighter pilots were about.
Mac, however, could not get away with anything when it came to Harm. He knew her too well. He knew when she was lying to him. Her lip curled up in a sexy manner when she was lying. She looked surprised the first time he caught her on it. After only a year together, they could read each other so well.
Knew each other better than a significant other. And there were a lot of those throughout their partnership. Even through all his relationships, he had loved only one woman. He could not that woman, though. It was as if he was afraid. Afraid of what, he did not know. Maybe he was afraid that Mac didn't feel the same way. On the other hand, maybe he was afraid of her loving him as well, knowing that someone actually loved Harmon Rabb.
Numerous times, he wished that the conversation in Sydney Harbor went a different direction. If only he could turn back time. He would let Mac know that he loved her. He wouldn't skirt around the issue. However, Harm was not Father Time.
He was only human. Human enough to know his mistakes. Human enough to regret all the things that he didn't say to Mac. Sure, he was a fighter pilot. He had stared death in the face most of his adult life, and lived to tell about it. He wasn't immortal. He did have soul. A soul that was breaking everyday as Mac's wedding crept closer.
There were certainly times when he hated being human. The night of his ramp strike was one of those as were the days, weeks, and months that followed it. During that time, he hated himself. Hated that he killed a friend, someone who did not deserve to die. He didn't want to feel anything. He just wanted to be numb. He didn't want anyone around him. He wanted to be alone and wallow in his self-pity.
For months, his demons would be re-occurring dreams about the crash. Every night, he would wake up in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy, as his mind reenacted it. Somehow, someway, with super human strength, he conquered his demons. Yet, whenever he looked at his wings or his service record, those demons come rushing back for a brief moment.
Harmon Rabb was human.
He just didn't let everyone see his human side. He showed them the cocky, ex-fighter pilot, who wanted justice to be right, even if it meant going to the ends of the earth for it. He always had to be right. He was always on his pedestal, never to be knocked off.
Harmon Rabb was human.
He let his coworkers see through his shield for a brief moment when it came to his father. That was his weak spot. For that brief moment, his friends saw the real Harmon Rabb. They saw the hurt and pain of a little boy losing his father. They saw the elation of knowing that his father might still be alive.
Harmon Rabb was human.
He let his true feelings show when making love with Mac. He poured his heart and soul into pleasuring the woman he adored. Even in the morning, he didn't hide what he was feeling. Mac could see everything reflected in his eyes.
Harm got up from the couch, a bit agitated with where his thoughts went. He went over to the window and watched the city of D.C. What kind of person had he become? There, he was, thinking about the woman he loved; yet, he did nothing. All he had to do was pick up the phone, call her, and tell her. He just kept telling himself that it was too late.
Too late for what? Too late for him to declare his love for Sarah MacKenzie? Too late to realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life four months ago?
He furiously ran his fingers through his hair as he thought about that night. Mac gave him an ultimatum and he did nothing. Nothing! He did what he did best. He walked away.
Mac was lost to him forever because he was a stupid bastard.
All he had to do was pick up the phone and dial her number. It was that simple. Yet, he made the simplest of things complicated. How could he be so dense about the one thing he really wanted? He wanted Mac. He needed her. And he never needed anything in his life, but he needed Mac.
The ironic thing about all this, no matter how many times he let Mac down or hurt her, she still loved him. She never gave up on him, even with Mic's ring on her finger. She was always there, loving him while she loved another man. How could she do that? How could she divide her love among two people and still be sane in the end?
Harm made himself stroll over to the desk and pick up his cordless. For what seemed like hours, although it was only a few minutes, he stared at the numbers. He could not make himself dial the numbers that would get Mac on the other end.
"Just dial the number, Rabb. It's not that difficult." Harm stated to himself.
His finger placed itself on the first number, just resting on the surface. Before long, he managed to get the number dialed.
As it rang on the other end, he wondered what he would say to her. How do you begin to tell someone your feelings towards him or her? Were there a right way and a wrong way? Harm didn't know because he had never done this before. This whole scenario was new to him.
His thoughts were cut short when Mac finally answered the phone on the fourth ring. "Mac, it's Harm. I have something to tell you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*