Disclaimer: not mine
Once in her own room, Harm sat by Mac's bed and watched her intently. Due to her sleeping, she had yet to be told about the cause of her hospitalisation and Harm had fleetingly thought that perhaps they could just tell her it was her appendix and save her the pain and trauma of knowing that, against the odds, she had fallen pregnant but how she'd now lost the baby. As the surgeon appeared in her room, Harm knew that the truth was the only way to go.
"Everything's looking good," Dr Reed said examining the chart. "Has Sarah woken up yet?"
"Briefly," Harm said, taking hold of her hand.
"Sarah," the doctor called, moving closer to her bed. "Sarah, open your eyes."
Slowly, Mac responded and smiled weakly at Harm.
"Hey, gorgeous," Harm said kissing her hand. "How are you feeling?"
"Okay," she groaned. "What happened?"
"Hello, Sarah," Dr Reed said and slowly Mac turned her head towards the voice. "My name is Michael Reed and I operated on you earlier today."
"Operated?" she questioned as her brow furrowed, "What's wrong ... with me?"
"Nothing now," the doctor reassured.
In the quietness of the hospital room, the doctor explained to Mac the happenings of the morning and the repercussions, it was all very clinical but the man had a good bedside manner and was very compassionate with them both. He informed Mac that she'd have to stay overnight but would most likely be able to go home the following day and that he had arranged for Commander Erin Hills, Mac's OBGYN, to pay her a visit at some time during the afternoon. He also advised that there were counselling options and all they had to do was ask any nurse to set something up.
When neither Mac nor Harm had any more questions for him, Dr Reed excused himself and left.
"So," Mac said quietly.
"So," Harm echoed, holding her hand tighter. When Mac failed to say anything else, Harm caressed her face. "What are you thinking? Feeling?"
"I lost our baby," she stated tearfully. "I'm so sorry."
"No need to apologise," Harm replied, kissing her hand. "It wasn't your fault."
"I lost our baby," she repeated, not really hearing anything but the sound of her own heart breaking. "I was pregnant and I lost it."
"I know," he soothed, caressing her face. "And I'm so sorry."
Mac's watery, heavy eyes lifted to Harm's and she weakly held out an arm to embrace him.
"What if that was our only chance?" she whispered as he slid into the small space beside her and held her as best he could.
"What if it was?" he countered. Previously, he would have offered her a host of platitudes and false hope but this was the new them and he knew this was the first true challenge they were facing.
Mac had no answer; she had no idea what it would mean to them.
"We're going to take this one step at a time," Harm said when Mac failed to respond. "The first step is to get you better," he said as he gently kissed her nose. "The second step is to get some advice about what this all means to future options..."
Mac nodded; it sounded like the way to go...just not yet. Right now, she just wanted to close her eyes and hope this was all just a very bad dream.
When she next opened her eyes, Harriet was sitting in the chair beside the bed whilst Harm slept alongside her. Upon Harm's request, the General had informed Bud, who had in turn informed his wife and she had gotten to Bethesda as soon as she was able to get the twins to school.
"How are you feeling?" Harriet asked, coming to stand by the bedside.
"Okay," Mac said slowly.
"Really?" Harriet questioned gently. She herself had lost two children and while the circumstances were very different, the feelings were never 'okay'.
"No, not really," Mac said sadly. "But I think it's a little early to try and process everything."
"It is, sweetie," Harriet said, taking her hand. "Just remember, I'm here for you. Whenever you need to talk or just want some company..."
"Thanks, Harriet," Mac said with a sleepy smile.
"Is there anything I can do for you now?" she asked, glancing at Harm.
"Are you able to stay with me for a bit today?" she asked, and Harriet nodded.
"I can stay all day, if you like," she replied. Mac smiled appreciatively.
"Thanks, Harriet. It's just that Harm really needs to go home and get some proper sleep and I know he won't leave if he thinks I'll be by myself," she said quietly.
"How about I go downstairs to the cafeteria and get some snacks for us and you let Sleeping Beauty know of your wishes?" Harriet said before disappearing.
It was Mac's gentle caresses that brought Harm back to a level of awareness. For a few moments he looked up at her dreamily before realising where they were.
"What's wrong? What do you need?" he asked quickly as he tried to sit up, causing himself to fall off the bed in the process.
"Are you okay?" Mac asked peering over the side of the bed as Harm picked himself up.
"Yeah, yeah," he said quickly, before standing by the bed and holding her hand. "You okay?"
"I am," she said before lifting his hand and kissing it. "I do want something though..."
"What is it? Anything..." he said, not giving her a chance to reply.
"I want you to take a breath," she said gently and he did. "Now, I want you to go home and get some decent sleep, take a shower and eat – in any order you like, and come back and see me this evening."
"No, I'm fine, I'll stay," he said kissing her head.
"No, you won't," she said. "Harriet's here; she's just at the cafeteria. She'll stay with me until you get back tonight."
"Mac..." Harm began to protest.
"Please..." she interrupted. She was in enough pain and feeling enough guilt without having to look into his sad blue eyes for the entire day. She just couldn't do it. "Besides, if I'm allowed home tomorrow ...I ...ah...well, there's probably... you know."
Her thoughts were lost on Harm. "I know what?" he asked as Harriet reappeared in the room.
"I think Mac might need you to clean up things at home," Harriet offered, tilting her head towards Mac to give him a hint.
"Ohh," he said slowly as the meaning dawned on him. Of course he needed to go home and clean the bed linen and see what state the mattress was in. He figured it may be just as easy to buy everything new and burn the evidence of the morning's trauma.
Tearful kisses and promises were exchanged before Harm finally left, assured that Harriet would call him if he was needed at any time. Returning home, Harm let his tears fall unchecked as he stripped his bed. The stain wasn't as big as he'd expected it to be but still, he couldn't expect Mac to sleep on a mattress stained in such a manner. Dropping the linen in a trash bag, along with his soiled clothes from the morning, Harm tied the handles and threw the bag near the door; he'd toss it out when he left.
Figuring he could call into the Cap'n Snooze bedding store on his way to the hospital, Harm headed to the bathroom and turned on the water and stripped off. Stepping under the water, Harm allowed the hot rivers of water to course over his weary body and closed his eyes; this day couldn't really be happening. Finally, they had things going right and they had worked hard to get it so – so why on earth was this happening to them now?
Clean and dressed in jeans and a sweater, Harm decided food was overrated and instead thought a nap might do him better. Rather than the bed, Harm grabbed Mac's pillow and a blanket from the closet and made himself comfortable on the sofa. Snuggling into the pillow, Harm inhaled deeply, taking in the calming scent of Mac's shampoo and conditioner. He thought sleep would come quickly, he was wrong. It wasn't until he was holding a framed photo of himself and Mac from Christmas at his parents that sleep called. Holding the frame close to his chest, Harm drifted off.
Three hours later his cell buzzed and he was instantly awake and alarmed. It was a wrong number but Harm's heart was beating double time as he disconnected the call. Looking at the clock and knowing what he had to do before he returned to the hospital, Harm called Harriet's cell and was informed that all was well and Mac was asleep. Glad for Mac, but needing to see her to comfort himself, Harm headed out the door to throw out the bag of soiled items and to buy a new mattress.
Meanwhile, Harriet's quiet talking on the phone had been enough to stir Mac and she wearily opened her tired eyes.
"Wasn't all a bad dream, was it?" Mac asked, using the overhead bar to help her sit up.
"No, it wasn't," Harriet said gently. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," she replied with a tearful pout.
Before the conversation could continue, Mac's OBGYN knocked on the door.
"Hello, Dr Hills," she said as Harriet stood. "This is Harriet Roberts, my good friend. Harriet, Erin Hills my OBGYN."
After greetings were exchanged, Harriet went to excuse herself but Mac shook her head. Twelve months ago she'd insist on doing something like this alone, now she couldn't fathom being by herself. "You don't need to go, Harriet," Mac said quietly but when it looked like Harriet was still going to leave, she added, "I need you to stay, please."
Nodding, Harriet pulled her chair closer to the bed and sat down, taking Mac's hand in hers as the doctor reviewed the chart.
"How bad is it?" Mac finally asked, the suspense killing her.
"I've spoken to Michael Reed and he explained the condition of your uterus, fallopian tubes and general abdominal cavity and it doesn't sound like there's a lot different to the previous tests we had done. Now, obviously an ectopic pregnancy can be traumatic, both physically and emotionally, but we have to take the fact that you actually conceived as a good thing."
"Can it happen again ... the ectopic part?" Mac asked, squeezing Harriet's hand tighter.
"It can," the doctor answered honestly. "There is a higher chance of a second ectopic pregnancy once you've had one...but that doesn't mean it will always happen," she added when she saw the panic on Mac's face.
"Has my 4% chance decreased even more?" she asked tearfully.
"It's hard to say at this time, Sarah," Dr Hills said, patting her arm. "In a couple of weeks I'll have you come in and we'll do some more tests and see what's happening. In the meanwhile, you are going to need plenty of rest and ..."
"When can I return to work?" Mac interrupted, she didn't like the idea of spending a long period at home, it would drive her crazy.
"Dr Reed is giving you two weeks medical leave," she said. "You'll then have an appointment with him for a review and to remove the stitches and if all is well you can return then."
"Two weeks?" Mac echoed...that was 14 whole days.
"At a minimum," she reinforced. "Sarah, you have to remember this is a traumatic event for your body, and your heart and mind. Throwing yourself into work won't help you recover. Last time we spoke you were seeing Dr McCool, is that still the case?" Mac nodded. "It might help to have a chat with her sometime next week, if you're up for it." Mac nodded again.
Later that night, Mac was curled up in her hospital bed with Harm, snuggling into him the best she could. Two nurses had strongly suggested that it would be best for Harm to go home as visiting hours were long over, but he refused to leave. He figured that as Mac hadn't asked him to go she wanted him there and that was all it required to keep him in bed with her.
"Do you think it was a girl or a boy?" she asked quietly as he played with her hair.
Harm cringed; he didn't want to think about it at all. "Um, a boy," he whispered.
"Why?" she asked with a deep sigh.
"It's usually the men in your life that cause you problems," he said, kissing her head.
"Mmm," Mac replied, not too sure how to reply to that.
"What were you thinking?" he asked her.
"A little girl," she said as a tear ran down her cheek.
"She would have been beautiful, just like her mommy," he whispered, kissing her once more.
"Like her daddy," Mac corrected burying her head in his chest and crying. All Harm could do was hold her and declare his love over and over again.
Morning came and both had managed several hours of decent sleep before Mac needed the bathroom. No matter how she tried to move to get up she couldn't and she realised she'd have to wake Harm.
Caressing his face and calling his name, Mac soon brought Harm back to a level of awareness. When she told him of her need he sat up and assisted her from the bed. One step was all it took for Mac to realise she wasn't all that steady on her feet.
"I'll help you," Harm said wrapping an arm around her waist and guiding her across the room to the bathroom. Opening the door, Harm flicked on the light switch before helping Mac to a rail by the toilet bowl. "Have you got it from here?" he asked when he felt her hesitate.
"Yeah, I'm good, thanks," she said, glad to keep some level of privacy.
Harm slipped out of the bathroom and propped himself on the end of her bed waiting for her signal that she needed him once more. He patiently waited five minutes then stretched that out to ten. When she hadn't called him, he padded back to the door.
"Everything alright?" Harm asked, leaning his head on the door.
"Aha," Mac replied, tears very much evident in the two syllables she'd managed.
"Mac, I'm coming in, okay?" he said, putting his hand on the door handle.
"No, it's okay," she said quickly. "I'm okay."
"Mac," he repeated. "Are you in pain?"
"Not really," she said, her physical pain was manageable, her emotional pain was another thing entirely.
"Gorgeous, you don't have to do this by yourself," he said, forcing himself to stay outside the door as per her request.
"What's wrong?" asked a nurse from behind, startling him.
"I'm not sure," Harm said. "She's been in there nearly fifteen minutes and is quite upset...she doesn't want me to go in."
"I've got it," said the young nurse and Harm stepped aside. "Sarah, it's Sandra, I'm coming in." Opening the door, she stepped inside before closing the door behind her. "What's happening?"
Mac was sitting on the floor in the corner, her knees raised and her tear stained face resting on them.
"Sarah, talk to me," she encouraged gently, squatting to try and be eye to eye with her patient.
"I...um ...when does the pain go away?" she asked tearfully, raising her head.
"I can get you some more meds or get the doctor to prescribe something stronger, Sarah," she said, taking Mac's hand.
Mac nodded before shaking her head. "What if the pain's not physical?"
"Then I can get you some help for that too," she said, squeezing Mac's hand. "There's no quick fix though and one of the most important things is that you allow yourself to feel the pain and deal with it. Too many women try to bury it or ignore it and that can be more detrimental than the initial loss."
Mac smiled sadly – that's what she used to do. Hide, deny, suppress, ignore any emotional pain and it got her into a very messed up state. Working with Dr McCool had been extremely difficult but she had learnt some very powerful lessons and one of those was to feel and accept the pain and then deal with it. Fleetingly, she wondered if Harm would be there to accept and deal with the pain too.