Song for Chapter 10 – Let it Go by James Bay
Trying to fit your hand inside of mine Trying to push this problem up the hill So come on, let it go
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me
I wake up slightly disorientated, instinctively knowing I'm not in my own bed before I start paying attention to my surroundings.
I panic slightly when I try to move and I can't. But the panic subsides quickly when a soft moan sounds into the darkness behind me and Dimitri's arm pulls me closer against his hot body.
I can't help the goofy smile that spreads over my face as I close my eyes again, recalling what transpired earlier. I trace my fingers over my lips as I remember our heated kisses and I can't help the shudder that passes through my body as I remember the orgasms I experienced hours earlier.
My body feels...different. Deliciously sore and...forever altered to mold to the man lying behind me.
Hours...shit. How long have we been sleeping? I'm suddenly wide awake as I look over to the clock on the night stand and realize it's only two hours before the entire campus will start waking. If anyone finds me here, Dimitri will be fired. Not only will that mean the end of us, it will be the end of the reputation he worked so hard to build. He wouldn't be remembered as the most feared Guardian of our time, he would be remembered as the mentor that couldn't keep his hands off his student.
I carefully disentangle myself from his hold and as quietly as possible, I slip back into my dress. I stare down at him for a few moments, so badly wanting to lean over and kiss him. I choose not to, purely because I don't trust myself to stop once I touch him again.
My senses are on full alert as I slip out the guardian quarters, sneaking around the back to the girl's dorms. I wait patiently around the side of the entrance as two guardians slowly make their way to the court yard before slipping in and up the stairs and into my room.
I shut the door behind me without looking around, my eyes closed as I lean against it, memories of our love making once again assaulting my mind.
"It's about time."
My heart stutters from fright as I open my eyes, only to find Lissa lying on my bed, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Liss...jeez you almost gave me a heart attack."
She sits up, anger etching her noble features.
"Did you spend the night with Jesse?"
"What? No!"
"Then where have you been? You and Jesse disappeared at the same time. I asked Eddie and Mason, but they wouldn't tell me anything. I thought about compelling them, but I figured I'd wait it out and talk to you."
I'm torn. Totally at a loss. I've always told Lissa everything.
"Rose," she requests with concern. "Please, if you weren't with Jesse, where have you been? I'm worried about you."
Before I know it, his name slips forbiddingly from my lips.
"Dimitri."
"What about him?" She asks confused.
"I was with Dimitri."
I wait for her anger to double, but I'm surprised when a smile slowly transforms her face.
"At last," she says excitedly.
"What do you mean 'at last'?" I ask dumbstruck.
"Oh, Rose. Really? How daft do you think I am? You don't think I've noticed the attraction between the two of you? These last few months...It killed me to see you lose yourself the way you did. I knew it had something to do with him. I spoke to him, you know."
This gets my attention and I walk over, sitting across from her on my bed.
"When? About what?"
"The night I healed you. I was so angry when I saw you like that. I confronted him and he admitted that he loved you. I begged him to admit it. I guess he listened," she says with a sly smile.
"Yeah," I say as the same smile spreads across my face. "I guess he did."
"So...are you going to tell me what happened?" She asks with childlike excitement.
And I can't help myself. I launch into a full account of my time with Dimitri. How gentle he was with me, how he confessed to loving me...I tell her everything. I leave out the part of how I ended up in Dimitri's room and she's so focused on my account, she doesn't ask. She's practically bouncing on my bed with happiness for me and for the next half an hour we're just two teenage girls talking about our boyfriends, lying side by side in my bed, giggling and laughing and being free.
Until a knock on my door has us freeze, looking at each other questioningly before I get up wearily and unlock the door. Who would be here at this time?
As soon as the latch turns the door is pushed open and I jump back, bracing myself for an attack, ready to protect Lissa at all costs.
But it's all for nothing. The man that steps inside and closes the door softly behind him is not someone I want to fight, not at all. Dimitri's eyes are stormy as he looks down at me, oblivious to Lissa on my bed as he pulls me to him and his mouth forcefully claims mine in a smouldering kiss that leaves me breathless and weak kneed. When he pulls away, he speaks softly as he leans his forehead against mine.
"Fuck, Rose...don't do that again. When I woke up and you were gone..."
"I'm sorry. I saw the time and I didn't want to increase the risk of being caught. I should have woken you," I say softly when I see his anxiety at my absence.
His hands come up to cup my face and I revel in his touch as he kisses me again softly.
Lissa clears her throat behind us and Dimitri immediately pulls away from me, only noticing her now, which is strange considering his role as a Guardian is being on full alert at all times.
"Princess," he acknowledges wearily, his Guardian demeanor slipping into place.
But Lissa isn't having any of it. She giggles, which has me giggling too.
"Oh Dimitri, stop being so stuffy," she laughs. "I'm glad you took my advice."
He softens a bit as he looks down at me, a small smile gracing his face, and then looks over to her.
"So am I, Princess," he admits, seeming totally out of his comfort zone. Dimitri never shows emotion. I had seen him struggle to admit his feelings for me. It must be that much harder admitting them now to Lissa.
I watch him with a smirk, seeing the difficulty he's having with Lissa talking to him as a friend rather than formally addressing him as a Guardian.
But my smirk slowly dissolves, replaced by a frown as I realize this is just one of the many obstacles we face. Lissa isn't his friend, he's her Guardian. He had walked into my room without surveying his surroundings, totally unaware of the person he is supposed to be protecting with his life, because his eyes only saw me. My happiness turns down a notch at this realization. As if sensing my distress, his attention turns back to me.
"Rose?"
"It's nothing, I'm fine," I say as I step back, putting some space between us.
This is what he was so worried about. We are built to protect...to put Moroi first. And Lissa...Lissa has always been first to me...and she should be first to him. We and how we feel about each other should come second.
Lissa gets up as well, touching my shoulder softly but I move away from her too, seeing hurt flash in her eyes at my aloofness.
"Look, if you guys don't mind, I'm really tired and I need to shower and get ready for my work out before breakfast. Let Dimitri walk you out to your room, Lissa. It's the perfect cover for him being here."
My voice is dismissive and I can't bear to look at Dimitri right now, knowing what I'll see there. Hurt and utter confusion.
I turn from them without another word, grabbing my towel off the chair and closing the bathroom door behind me.
Rose, whatever it is, I'm here for you. Please, don't shut me out again. Her voice floats into my mind and I hate that I'm making her feel like that again after we just reconnected.
"I won't, Lissa," I whisper through the door.
A few seconds later I hear the door opening and they leave my room.
I sigh as I get into the shower, surprised as I start crying and I lean against the tiles as I let my emotions get the better of me.
This is the reason Dimitri denied our love for so long. This is why he pushed me away. And I knew his reasons; he had voiced them to me so many times.
Yet I kept on pushing and pushing, selfishly only caring about my needs and what I wanted.
Making love to him had only intensified our love…making it that much stronger.
How will we be able to go back to how we used to be for the sake of our life's purpose?
How am I going to cope without him?
I don't know the answers to my questions, but I do know one thing.
I have to let Dimitri go.
Oh, Rose. Silly girl...