Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.
Nyota and Spock walked together as the sun came up but Nyota did not think that anything had changed. Spock was sorry, she could feel it through their link; however, he did not change his mind. He would still be leaving. He still insisted that New Vulcan needed him more than she did. Nyota felt a boulder descend into her stomach and stay there, dragging her spirits down.
This should have been a happy time. Later in the day there would be a formal graduation ceremony. She understood that she, Kirk, McCoy and all of her other friends that had been aboard the Enterprise would be permanently assigned there. Today the Enterprise would be handed over to Kirk and Nyota would finally realize the dream that she'd had since she was fifteen. So much had happened since the day that she'd been in Iowa to see the Enterprise with Captain Pike. She had changed so much. She'd fallen in love, she'd seen genocide, she'd grown up. It seemed so wrong for it being the beginning of the end for her and Spock.
Spock insisted that, through their bond, they would be able to be together. He said that he would still wait for her. He'd said as much when they'd decided that they wanted to make a lifetime commitment to each other; however, then, it had been him waiting for her to post on the Enterprise. Nyota was skeptical. She only had to look at the disintegration of her parent's relationship and childhood that had been exacerbated by her father's travel obligations. Even if her mother was not the person that she was, being apart only made things harder. It accentuated every flaw like a magnifying glass.
Even before their bond Nyota knew that Spock tended to be a bit jealous. At the time, she didn't know that he was constantly struggling to control his emotions. Now that she did and had seen what it looked like for him to lose control. She wondered what would happen if they were separated. She suspected that he would resent every social contact that she had if she weren't there to reassure him that he was her one and only. For a fit, handsome, brilliant person Spock was a bit insecure about his relationship with Nyota. She knew that a part of him still waited for the day when she would decide that he was an illogical choice. He had said as much when he first admitted to his stupid plan to leave.
And what would Nyota do without Spock? Who would understand her perfectly? Nyota did get quite a bit of male attention but it was only Spock who could keep up with her physically, intellectually. It was Spock who could answer her questions and make her laugh. It was Spock who trusted her abilities and her judgment. Spock had been the first man that she trusted with her life. Even his display on the bridge had not shaken that trust, although it had given her some things to think about. Spock was who kept her warm at night and kept her going with encouragement during the day. Nyota had been frustrated so many times and it had been Spock who had said something so simple and reassuring that she had found the strength to push on.
It just seemed so unfair. They had come so far. They'd worked so hard to not arouse suspicion at the academy. They had planned to marry just after she graduated. She had so looked forward to publicly acknowledging Spock as hers but now, now she wasn't sure any of it would happen. So many things could go wrong. What if Spock met a recently widowed Vulcan woman? It had always stirred in the back of Nyota's mind that Spock might find a Vulcan woman to be more appealing. He had commented that he believed that Nyota's mind was surprisingly orderly, like a Vulcan's might be; did that mean that was what he truly wanted? Spock was so good at repressing his emotions she wondered if he was simply repressing an unstated desire. Spock, although appropriately tender with her, often held back sexually. She could tell and wondered if he needed someone stronger. Someone more like himself.
Even if they could make it work from so far apart, would Spock even be welcome aboard the Enterprise? Would he expect her to leave her post to join him on some other ship? Nyota wondered if she would go. Spock had indicated that it was easier for married couples to be on the same ship. Would that be true for the Enterprise too? It probably was not a wise career move to transfer mid-mission to a lesser ship was it? Spock's father was an ambassador and her father was in the President's ear; however, she doubted that Spock would accept their assistance to regain a place on the Enterprise. And that was only if he wanted it. It was entirely possible that his goals would shift dramatically while working to found a new home world.
Nyota and Spock sat in the park and watched the sun come up. It was chilly and Spock held Nyota against him. It was so unusual for him to touch her openly like this and it was a stab in her heart that this would probably be one of the last times it would happen.
"You are sad." Spock said after a long silence. He had explained, in the time since their bond had been formed, that he could only feel her emotions when they were excessive or overwhelming.
"Yes." Nyota said solemnly.
"It was not my intent." Spock said.
"What did you think might happen Spock?" Nyota said, genuinely curious. She was out of tears, out of anger. She simply felt numb and hopeless.
"I do not know." Spock began. "Perhaps I failed to consider... many things."
"Hmmm." Nyota said. She couldn't think of anything else to say. She was exhausted. She had gotten just about three hours of sleep and her mind buzzed with all of the questions she had. She wished that there was a magic word that she could say that would change things but she was too practical to hold out hope for something so improbable. She'd made all of the arguments for Spock to stay that she could. She had not been successful.
"I am truly sorry." Spock said breaking the silence that had developed between them.
"I love you Spock." Nyota said. It was the only thing that she could say and mean it. She could not say that she approved of his choice. She could not say that she believed it would be alright because she did not. She would try and she would do her best; however, good intentions were not always enough. "I love you more than you can possibly understand I think."
Nyota turned and looked into his eyes. She had seen so much promise in them before, her future really. Now there was just uncertainty. Even Spock could not know what would happen. He had not recited probability like he usually did. He simply took her hand and kept saying that he was sorry. Nyota wrapped her arms around him and kissed him, relishing the feel of the chill air against her face while Spock's body heat warmed her.
"I love you Spock." Nyota said as she pulled from the kiss. She took a deep breath and began walking away. She resisted the urge to look back and, apparently, Spock resisted to urge to follow her.
Spock had difficulty accepting the fact that this was all that there would be between them but he could not argue with Nyota's points. She had promised that she would try but had also indicated that there were so many unanswered questions, so much hurt around this that she did not know if it would be possible. Spock knew more acutely now why most Vulcans eschewed emotional expression. Logic was so much simpler. If it had not been for their emotions, then he and Nyota would have likely agreed that his time in assisting his people to found a new colony was logical and they would have had their link repaired and life would have gone on.
Still, despite his current distaste for the mess of emotions, he loved Nyota. He enjoyed the emotions that she aroused him him. He had never envisioned himself in such a relationship or behaving the way he did with her. He recalled his boyhood intention to never be bonded. It had all changed after meeting Nyota. He recalled coming to Earth and hopeful that he would encounter her and how he could not take his eyes off of her when she first appeared in his class. She had been the source of his ambition. She had explained to him on a rooftop that she wanted to be on a starship like her grandfather and it had planted a seed into Spock's mind.
Spock knew that there was a ceremony today and that the permanent commissions for the Enterprise would be given out. He wondered if he should attend to watch Nyota receive her assignment. It would be bittersweet. He would be very proud of her. She deserved her post. She was truly amazing and would be an asset to the crew. On the other hand Spock knew that it would be painful for both of them to understand that the culmination of this dream was incomplete. Spock knew Nyota thought that they should be on the Enterprise together.
Spock watched Nyota walk away and decided that it was appropriate for them to have some time apart. She had told him that she loved him so he did not think that it would be the last time that they saw each other. Perhaps Nyota would come to some place where, if she did not accept his decision, she would understand it. Spock certainly understood her anger. He had expected it but he had thought that it would ultimately be like the other fights that they had. He assumed that she would be angry for a short time, come to an understanding and then they would return to normal. This situation was different. It seemed as though they would not recover from it. It seemed that this was insurmountable.
Spock went to his apartment to clean up. It was illogical but Spock wished to step away from his obligations to the campus today. Spock walked through the corridor that led to the hangar, evaluating his conversation with Nyota. Perhaps she was correct. It occurred to Spock that he was giving up far more than he, or his people, would gain. Could it be possible that he would accomplish more for his people by remaining a member of Starfleet? Spock pursed his lips and clasped his hands behind his back as he walked. Adhering to logic did not mean that choosing one logical path over another was simpler. Spock could not tell if his own biases were swaying him in one direction or another.
As he entered the hangar Spock saw a man standing a short distance away. From the man's haircut and ears Spock could tell that he was Vulcan but was dressed in an unusual manner. The man's silver hair was that of Sarek but different. There was something else about the man, the set of his shoulders and the curve of his jaw that was not that of Sarek.
"Father?" Spock said despite the fact that he was fairly sure that this man was not Sarek. The man turned to face Spock and Spock was immediately puzzled.
"I am not our father," the man said evenly. The man appeared in all respects, save for age, to be Spock. It was inconceivable but it was happening nonetheless. Spock looked him up and down, taking in every inch of what could only be himself but decades, perhaps centuries later.
"Fascinating." Spock said, a note of wonder in his voice.
"There are so few Vulcans left in this time frame, we cannot afford to ignore one another." The elder said as he looked at his younger counterpart before continuing to explain his presence in the younger Spock's time line.
Spock asked the elder why he had sent Kirk back to the Enterprise and was surprised by the elder's answer. The elder admitted, somewhat emotionally, that Kirk and Spock were meant to be friends. It was then that Spock realized that he had not been manipulated by Kirk but by his other self. It was comforting to know that Kirk was not that insightful but still, Spock wondered why would he do such a thing to himself. Spock repressed the flares of frustration that shot up in response to this information.
The elder insisted that Spock would reach his fullest potential with Kirk as a colleague and friend. Spock found the claim dubious. Truly, Kirk was the furthest thing from his mind. Spock wondered if this older version of himself knew what to do about leaving Nyota. It seemed logical that if this other version of himself knew of Kirk, he should also know of his love for Nyota. Spock wished to test his understanding before venturing onto to the issue that was more prominent in his mind.
"So forcing me to learn how to deal with Kirk, how to function beside him, how to…trust him
it was a test?" Spock said tentatively.
"Nothing so formal. But I felt it was the best way." The elder responded thoughtfully. He went on to explain that the friendship that he deemed essential between Kirk and Spock would not have come about if he had intervened more forcibly. The elder seemed satisfied with himself, a bit of pride flashing through his eyes, when he concluded that Spock and Kirk had forged their own friendship. Suddenly he was grave again. "I am in no position to pass judgment on anyone for anything. As I said, my actions have robbed you of much if not all of the future that I know. Please understand when I say that I could not also deprive you of the revelation of all that the two of you can accomplish together."
Spock considered his elder self. It made sense for him to be open emotionally with himself. If he was not able to reveal his inner workings to himself, who would he be able to do so with? Spock's mind flashed back onto Nyota. He wanted to ask the question but something else was tugging at his attention.
"How did you persuade Kirk to keep your secret? The knowledge of your existence in this time frame?" Spock asked.
"I implied universe-ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise." The elder replied, his lips fluttering at the edges.
"But that did not turn out to be remotely true." Spock's eyebrows drew together as he contemplated. "Perhaps if the displacement had taken place much farther in the past, yes, but not in the course of so recent a period. No such paradox occurred, nor was likely. You lied." Spock said, his eyes growing wider with astonishment. He wondered what had happened to make him so... Human.
The elder only shrugged at Spock's accusation. Spock wondered if this was a result of the relationship that was supposed to develop between himself and Kirk. Spock could somehow see Kirk lying to achieve his goals in such a manner. Still, Spock took some small amount of satisfaction in the idea that Kirk had been misled in such a manner.
"A gamble," Spock said more to himself than to the elder. "Many things could have happened to change or interfere with the course of events. I nearly killed him, for example." Spock felt a bit of anger well up. This manipulation had nearly cost more than Kirk's life. Nyota had not looked at him the same way since. There was a trace, minuscule as it was, of fear in her dark eyes.
"Call my actions an act of faith." The elder mused. "Or if you prefer, one of trust. One I hope you'll repeat in the future. I came to trust implicitly the James Kirk of my time frame."
Spock and his elder counterpart spoke for a short time longer before Spock decided to press into the issues that were at the forefront of his mind. There was no better person to put the question to in Spock's opinion.
"The future clearly is not what it used to be. In the face of possible extinction it is only logical that I resign my Starfleet commission in order to contribute all my efforts into helping to rebuild our species." Spock said quickly. He straightened his spine wondering if his elder self would approve of his decision.
"And yet, you are in a unique position. You can be two places at once. I urge you to remain in Starfleet. In discussion with other Federation science departments I have already located a suitable uninhabited world on which to establish a Vulcan colony." The elder said as he considered Spock.
"I believe I understand you," Spock said. He decided that he would not launch into a discussion about leaving Nyota at this time. If he was truly to build his own future, he should do it, at least as far as Nyota was concerned, in his own way. He inquired as to whether the elder Spock would be available for questions, just in case Spock changed his mind. It was logical to keep all options open.
The two men that were one person exchanged a farewell. Spock considered the conversation for the whole day and well into the night. He reflected upon it while he meditated that evening. He was disappointed to have missed Nyota's ceremony but he felt that his contemplation would make her happier than his attendance. For the first time Spock was beginning to, for the first time since the tragedy, seeing that there could be another way. A way that would allow him to live the dreams that he had contemplated with Nyota.
Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for beta assistance, for providing me with the text from the novelization and all of her awesome input. The first draft of this chapter used the dialogue from the novelization verbatim but it just didn't feel right (I was left wondering if Spock Prime ships K/S) so I pared the conversation way down and tried to make it flow more in my own style. Hopefully it worked!
Up next-- the end! You know what happens... but did you know how mushy it could be?