"It's going to be fine," Lydia assures Riley as she drops her off at the airport.
"I just have this feeling," Riley admits, the wind blowing her hair out of her face, as they unload her luggage from the trunk.
"What kind of feeling?" Lydia asks skeptically.
"This feeling that something bad is going to happen," Riley replies, biting her lip.
"You're just stressing yourself out, which isn't good for you or your babies. Relax, take some deep breaths," Lydia suggests, pulling Riley into a hug.
Riley forces a smile as she pulls away from her mentor, "Thank you, for everything."
"I gave you a list of good doctors. Take care of yourself," Lydia stresses.
"I will," Riley gives her a hesitant wave, before turning to enter the airport. She can feel the ring that dangles around her neck, brushing against her skin and it almost burns.
Lucas's phone call is entirely unexpected. They haven't spoken since her disastrous graduation and she's in the middle of her first year of residency. It's like the first year of medical school all over again and Riley's barely finding the time to do things like eat and sleep.
It's on intuition that she decides to answer the phone. Maya spent the last year in France, trying to find inspiration for her artwork, and missed everything that happened at home. Riley knows that she's back, but she hasn't been able to get ahold of her and she figures that Lucas might know something.
"Hey," Riley answers, ducking into a stairwell and leaning against the railing.
"Maya's back in rehab, she's relapsed, and I figured that you would want to know," he cuts straight to the chase.
"Where is she?" Riley asks, her tone matching his in formality. He rattles off an address and Riley recognizes it enough that she doesn't think she needs to write it down.
The silence between them is almost unbearable and Riley wishes that she could say anything to ease it, but they've both made so many mistakes that she's not sure the distance can be made up.
The line disconnects and it feels like a door slamming in her face.
She can't sit still the entire flight. Her legs refuse to stop bouncing and she can't find a comfortable place to put her hands. Her attention is constantly wandering and she just wants to get off of the plane.
Riley's not an overly superstitious person, but something just doesn't feel right.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Riley asked, sinking down on the edge of Maya's bed. She claims a family emergency at work and heads straight to the rehab center.
"Do I get a choice?" she asks quietly. She's leaning up against the headboard with her arms folded and her head tilted towards the ceiling.
"You told me once that talking about things makes it better," Riley reminded her, staring at the picture of them in middle school, that's framed and sitting on the dresser.
"Did you? Ever talk to anyone?" Maya questions and Riley pretends that she doesn't hear the crack in her friend's voice.
"Eventually, yeah. They weren't the right people, but it did help a little bit. It's nice when you don't have to carry all of the heavy feelings that are weighing you down by yourself," Riley says.
"I don't want you to try and make me feel better," Maya insists.
"Deal," Riley agrees.
"I was so successful early on that I just wasn't prepared for the failure," Maya explains, "And suddenly there were all of these expectations for my artwork. I thought going to France would fix things. That I could get past this block that I've been feeling, but it just made me feel really alone."
"You're not alone, Maya," Riley points out, despite her promise and she closes her mouth as Maya gives her a look.
"I lost my job, Riley. Do you know how hard it is to try and make it in a career like this without help? And it's not like I have any kind of back-up plan," Maya says darkly.
"So, you turned to drugs?" Riley questions, trying to understand.
"Drinking first. I just needed to stop feeling for a while. I needed something to distract me from everything that was going wrong in my life. I'm not married, I haven't had very many serious relationships, and now I don't even have a career. I just needed something to take the edge off," Maya replies, the desperation in her tone evident.
"It's funny," Riley muses, "You would give anything to feel nothing and a while ago I would have given anything to feel something."
"Hilarious."
The plane lands and Riley feels immediate relief to be off of it. She thought she was going to be terrified of being in the city and facing everything, but she mostly feels an anxiety to accomplish what she needs to.
"Hi," Riley hugs her uncle Josh, pressing a kiss to his cheek and pulling back.
"You seem different," he says, as he leads her out to find a taxi.
"How so?" Riley asks, letting him take her carry on.
"You seem lighter, almost like you're glowing," Josh replies and Riley lets out a semi-nervous laugh.
"So, are we stopping at Mount Sinai first?" Josh asks and Riley turns to him in confusion.
"Why would we do that?" Riley asks as they get into the cab.
"I thought you heard that Maya had been admitted."
Maya makes it out of rehab and starts working at Topanga's. She moves into Riley's apartment, though the two of them rarely see each other. Riley's working crazy hours and some nights she just sleeps at the hospital.
Riley knows Lucas is back in the city. He's finished veterinary school and is working at a clinic. She can always tell when he's been in the apartment, as though his very presence leaves an imprint, but she doesn't say anything. The imprint of his presence probably shouldn't be as comforting as what she finds it.
Maya had enough of her own problems for Riley to catch her up on the Lucas/Riley saga and she's not entirely sure that Maya wouldn't go straight to Lucas with whatever she said, anyway. So, Riley doesn't mention anything and based on the things that Maya says, she's pretty sure Lucas hasn't told her anything, either.
Life goes on, Riley manages to make it through her residency and job offers start pouring in as she prepares to take her boards. Her life is far from perfect and she's accepted that she was never meant to have children. She finds the idea of even trying again painful and she closes that chapter of her life without very many second thoughts. She gets asked out a couple of times, but she always turns them down. Her job is her life and she's pretty sure that it can be enough for her.
"What are you doing here?" Riley asks, when she finds Maya pacing the hall of the hospital.
"I made a mistake," Maya says, looking at Riley with terror in her eyes. She looks so much like Katy in her uniform that Riley has to do a double take.
"What kind of mistake?" Riley asks, ushering her into the nearest exam room and closing the door.
"It's not a relapse," Maya says, but she's pacing the room in agitation and she keeps running her hands through her hair.
"Why don't you just tell me what happened?" Riley suggests.
"Riley," Maya pauses as tears fill her eyes, "I think I'm pregnant."
Riley's heard a lot of women say those words over the last few years, but this time it takes her completely off guard. She feels like she can't breathe and she finds herself sinking into the nearest chair.
"Pregnant?" Riley repeats.
"And I know, I'm a high risk pregnancy, after what happened with my kidneys. Riley, I'm only two years sober and I can't afford to have a child. It was one mistake and now I don't know what to do," Maya says, looking to Riley for answers.
"Who's the father, Maya?" Riley's voice rings out, dangerously cold.
"It was the night that his divorce was finalized and he made it very clear that it was just one night. I can't be pregnant," Maya repeated and Riley felt a small amount of relief that she didn't know the father.
"I don't," Riley pauses as she tries to think through how to phrase her words, "I help bring life into this world, I don't do anything else."
"Well, I guess you're going to have to help me get through this pregnancy because you're my doctor, Riles. I don't want anyone else, it has to be you."
"She didn't tell me," Riley says, trying to get through her shock, "What happened?"
"They just want to monitor her more closely. She's starting to show signs that her organs aren't functioning the way they should," Josh explains.
"Why aren't they inducing labor. She's almost full-term," Riley snaps, her nails biting into her leg.
"She's being stubborn," Josh replied.
Riley thought that she had gotten through the worst of her depression, but watching her best friend get to have the experience that Riley should have had, is like agonizing, torture. She wants to be happy for Maya, but Maya isn't happy about it herself, and all Riley wants to do is shake her and tell her how lucky she is.
"I think I might give the baby up for adoption," Maya says quietly, as Riley enters the apartment after work.
"You know you have options, it's not like I'm going to turn you out in the street," Riley reminds her, taking the spot next to her on the couch.
"I know, it's just that I've never wanted to be a mother. And I really don't want to raise a child without a father. There has to be some loving couple out there who could raise this baby a million times better than I could," Maya points out.
"It's a gift, Maya. If you decide to give up the baby, that's your choice and I'll support you. But don't take this for granted. You don't realize what a truly, incredible thing this is until it's gone."
"Lucas thinks I should keep it," Maya revealed, her nose wrinkling as she says it.
"Oh," Riley offered, her eyes trailing to her lap.
"I know that things are awkward since you haven't talked since, like, high school, but he wants to come to my next appointment," Maya informed her.
"You sure this isn't his baby?" Riley felt the need to ask.
"Lucas is my Farkle," Maya explained.
"What?" Riley turns to look at her, unsure what she's trying to say.
"You and I are always going to be best friends, but we've grown apart over the years. Things aren't the same way they were when we were in middle school or even high school. I moved to SoHo and you stayed here and things between us changed. And, don't get me wrong, I still love you to death and you're still my sister, but I think we just naturally drifted in different directions. For you, Farkle kind of stepped in and filled the gap and for me it was Lucas."
"The two of you broke up," Riley reminded her, trying to make sense of what Maya was saying in her head, at the same time as trying not to think about how much she missed Farkle.
"Yeah, we kind of just burned out and we didn't talk for a long time after that. But one day he just showed up at the gallery with a group of friends and we ran into each other. I think we both just wanted to talk about old times and we just kind of fell back into being friends."
"Huh," Riley offered, leaving the couch to go change. There are some conversation she just doesn't want to pursue.
Mount Sinai hadn't changed in the three months that she had been away. In fact, many of the people who greeted her on the way in didn't seem to have even noticed that she had left.
"Doctor Mathews," a nurse stopped her in the hall, "It's so good to see you."
"Paige," Riley smiled, pulling the nurse into a hug.
"Are you just back visiting?" Paige asked.
"I'm here to talk my best friend into an induction," Riley revealed.
"Maya Hart in 308?" Paige questioned.
"That's the one," Riley agreed. Josh had dropped her off, suggesting that he drop her things off at her parents' house. She figured that it had been pre-planned that way so she had to see everyone.
"She's been driving Doctor Gardner up the wall," Paige revealed, "He almost called you, but Maya's been very adamant that you're not her doctor, anymore."
Lucas is watching the screen with this look of undisguised amazement on his face as Riley measures each of the body parts of Maya's baby. Having Lucas in the room is more distracting then what Riley thought it would be and their eyes keep meeting, although they haven't said a word to each other.
Riley's having flashbacks to her miscarriage and she finds herself struggling with her feelings of jealousy. Maya and Lucas can't possibly know what this is doing to her, but she can't stop thinking about what it would have been like to go to an ultrasound with Lucas. What his face would have looked like when he was looking at his own baby.
"So?" Maya asks.
"Two arms, two legs, everything is here," Riley replies, watching as the pictures print out.
"Are you really going to hold us in suspense? She reaches over to take Lucas's hand before looking at Riley expectantly.
"It's a boy," Riley offers and she nearly chokes on the emotion that the words bring to the surface, "I need to step outside for a minute."
Riley hurries from the room, grabbing a nurse that's making her way down the hall, "Will you finish things up with the couple in there? Tell them I got paged into surgery?"
"Of course, Doctor Mathews," the nurse replies, smiling at Riley.
All Riley can manage is a sort of grimace before she's pulling open the door to the stairwell and covering her mouth with one hand. Her sobs are loud and bounce off the walls as she uses her free hand to grab onto the railing and hold herself up. It's ugly, violent crying, but she can't seem to regain control. So, she lets herself fall apart.
"You should have told me," Riley opens the door to Maya's room, letting herself in.
"Good to see you, too, Riles," Maya greets her. She's pale and there are dark, hollow, shadows under her eyes.
"You're going to kill yourself," Riley hisses, crossing the distance to the bed and glaring her best friend down.
"The baby needs more time," Maya insists, refusing to meet Riley's gaze.
"The baby needs you," Riley counters, sinking down into the chair by Maya's bed.
"I'm going to get this pregnancy to full-term," Maya says, her eyes defiant.
"What does Lucas say?"
"I think I'm going to keep the baby," Maya announces, picking at the take-out that they've ordered.
"Okay," Riley agrees, she's tired and living with Maya is starting to become too much.
"Lucas wants to help," Maya adds, her eyes scanning Riley's face for a reaction.
"I kind of figured," Riley manages to keep most of the sarcasm out her tone.
"I just can't imagine him not being a father and he's done just as badly as I have in relationships. I think this is going to work," Maya sounds like she's trying to convince herself, but Riley can't bring herself to help.
"So, you're getting back together?" Riley's voice is dead, but Maya seems so absorbed in her own issues that she doesn't seem to notice.
"No, we're just, raising a child together."
"He's not the baby's father," Maya snaps, but Riley can see the fear that's behind her defenses.
"He's your fiancé, he agreed to raise this baby with you. If you die what happens?" Riley asked, trying to make her understand.
"This is why I didn't tell you I was in the hospital. I knew you would try to fight me on this," Maya informed her.
Riley's seen more of Lucas through this pregnancy than she has in the last three years. They don't talk, which is almost as painful as what she thinks it would be like if he were to address her. The pain of watching her best friend and Lucas plan a life together, is enough to block out most of her guilt, but it's still there and she sometimes finds herself opening her mouth to tell both Lucas and Maya about the baby she would never have. But she knows, that she would only be telling them to try and make them feel a fraction of the pain that she's in and that can't be the right thing.
"Riley," speak of the devil.
"We're not talking," Riley informs him, doing an about-face and moving in the opposite direction.
"Fine, but we're both going to be a part of this baby's life, don't you think it's time to get everything out in the open?" Lucas asks.
"I'm very busy, doing doctor things," Riley informed him, not caring that she was being completely immature.
"I'm sorry I punched Farkle and accused you of those things. He told me that nothing was going on and Farkle and I have worked things out," Lucas informed her.
"What do you want from me?" Riley spun on him, throwing her hands up the air, "Do you want me to be happy that you're making a family with my best friend? Because I've been more than civil about this."
"You made it pretty clear that you didn't want a family with me," Lucas snaps, his own anger rising to the surface, "I tried and I tried and I tried, but you just kept pushing me away. Did you really think that I wasn't going to move on with my life?"
"Not with my best friend," Riley snapped, lowering her voice as people started to stare.
"I'm not dating Maya, it's platonic," Lucas reminded her, seeming to get ahold of himself.
"You and I, aren't talking," Riley repeated, turning her back on him and walking away.
"It's okay to be scared," Riley offered, trying a different tactic.
"Everything is going to change when this baby is really here and I'm not sure that I'm ready for it," Maya revealed, her eyes filling with tears as she turned to face Riley.
"Everybody feels like that and then your baby's here and none of that matters," Riley promised, reaching out to grab her hand.
"I just need more time, to figure out what I want. I'm second guessing everything," Maya revealed and Riley suddenly realized that Maya wasn't wearing her engagement ring.
"I met Lucas's mother," Maya revealed, as pressed her hands against her stomach to play with the baby that was moving inside. She would press down and watch as the baby would kick back, creating bumps in Maya's stomach. Riley was trying really hard to ignore it because the idea that she would never know what a baby moving inside of her felt like, was almost too much to bare.
"We already met her," Riley reminded her, taking another bite of ice cream and trying to focus on the romantic comedy that was playing across the screen.
"But this time, I was meeting her as the mother of her grandchild," Maya said, "It was a big deal."
"How do you think it went?" Riley asked, Lucas's mother had never liked Riley.
"She seemed excited about the whole idea. My life isn't exactly what I thought it would, but it hit me today, that I'm kind of content."
Riley couldn't bring herself to say anything. While Maya was content Riley was slowly dying.
So, something's wrong with the reviews on the site. I get an email and part of the reviews that were sent today, but they're not showing up on the site. Because of this, I haven't been able to respond to any of the reviews that I've gotten, so I apologize for that. As far as I can tell, it's the same way with other stories, as well. Here's hoping they fix it soon and that I get all of your reviews from today! You guys are awesome and I really enjoyed getting all of your input(from what I could read of it)! We're finally catching up to what happened right before Riley left and we'll probably get to the black out in the next chapter.
As always, I appreciate you guys for sticking with me through the last ten chapters! Thanks for reading!
You don't have to, but I would appreciate it if, in addition to submitting a review at the end of the chapter, you would copy and paste it into a PM, so that I can respond and read it. I'll remove this underlined portion when the site is fixed.