Day Thirty [Present Time] - You're Not Stuck In Vain

With everything that's happened, Bonnie simply doesn't feel comfortable around her own father anymore. He doesn't understand who she is, what she's been through. She loves that about him, because when he looks at her, all he sees is his teenage daughter, and so she can pretend that she's just that, but pretending is more than she can do at the moment. So she stays at Elena most of the time– her friend having lost every parental authority provides the perfect excuse.

Bonnie is lying on her back, staring at the ceiling of Elena's bedroom. While the doppelganger has fallen asleep somewhat peacefully a few hours ago, the witch is trying to focus on the sounds from the outside to lull herself to sleep: the nightlife, the small animals, the gusts of wind through the leaves – she used to find comfort in those sounds. Not anymore.

Bonnie hears Elena tossing in her bed and muttering Stefan's name. She feels a lump in her throat that she struggles to swallow. This has been happening every night. Elena is obviously worried about Stefan, but she has too much on her hands, trying to get herself together and looking after Jeremy, to fix her relationship with her vampire boyfriend, or said vampire boyfriend. Besides, Stefan doesn't want to fix things, or to be fixed.

The vampire is dealing with his brother's "death" in his own way. When he thought he could handle losing Damon if he was sure that his brother would be happy and alive "somewhere", he is now completely breaking apart. When he came back from his visit to Caroline, he thanked Bonnie for allowing him to do that, reassured Sheriff Forbes and went into something like shock. His eyes became unfocused as he walked out of the house – he didn't even bother to drive his car back home; he ran through the woods. He has not spoken a word to any of them ever since nor has he left the boarding house. Alaric is the only one that he allows in; meaning Alaric is the only one he doesn't bare his fangs at. The first time he did that to Elena, she couldn't stop crying for three hours. So they have just given up, for now. Alaric goes once a day to make sure that Stefan feeds, period.

Somehow, Bonnie is the luckiest and the most cursed of all. Her ancestors have chosen Emily Bennett to be her special interlocutor for the duration of Caroline's time in the past. And so, Emily has found a way to allow Bonnie to keep an eye on her friend: she can watch what's happening in the past. It's just like watching TV; it goes on and on inside her head. In that, she is the luckiest. Whenever she gets too anxious, she can close her eyes and look at Caroline and Damon having a good laugh behind Giuseppe Salvatore's back.

But she is cursed, too. No matter how hard she concentrates, she can't push away the images of Caroline, struggling in 1864. No wonder she has trouble sleeping. Actually, she has trouble eating, reading, walking, laughing – she has trouble functioning. The other part of the curse is that her ancestors were very specific about one particular point: she must remain the only one who knows what's happening, and what's meant to happen in the end. Yes, there is something bigger than just keeping Damon away from Katherine. Something much, much bigger. But she can't tell, or she'll ruin it. So, she also watches as everyone around her suffers from the loss of Damon and Caroline's open-ended absence.

Whenever she feels the urge to let it all out, Bonnie takes a deep breath and thinks about the bigger picture. This is worth it. If she manages to keep her mouth shut and if Caroline manages to accomplish the mission she has been given, their lives will be better, eventually. Her friends will be eternally grateful for what she's done. In the meantime, guilt is consuming her.

Today, Bonnie went with Alaric to see Stefan, as Elena was still too frightened of what she might find there. All the vampire said was: "I need Caroline." Bonnie got the message loud and clear: "send me back". He had this look of raw pain on his face; physical pain. She ran away from the boarding house, promising she would do her best to get him in touch with Caroline again. In fact, she ran to stop herself from saying something she might regret. What she doesn't understand is why Stefan would be more concerned about Caroline than about Damon.

And here she is, wide awake in the middle of the night, trying to block out the images of Caroline doing some reading with Human Stefan. In moments like this, Bonnie wishes she were clueless just like the others, because she wants to send herself back in time and knock some sense into her friend. She might have been confident in the beginning that if someone could pull this off, it was Caroline, but Bonnie is slightly worried now. She thought the episode of the almost kiss with Damon would have been enough to keep her friend focused: Caroline simply wasn't one to tolerate rejection, as playful as it might be. Bonnie expected her to do everything in her power to seduce Damon – and God knows that could easily be done, but instead of that, Caroline hasn't changed her ways at all: she keeps splitting her time equally between the brothers and building a daughter-father relationship with Giuseppe Salvatore. This has to stop. Bonnie takes in a deep breath and silently calls on Emily. The voice of the latter soon resonates in her head.

"What is it?"

"I need to be able to send Stefan into Caroline's dreams, on a regular basis. And I know what you're going to say: he will not interfere with her mission, since I have told him nothing. It's not even about that. He hurts, and for some reason, she's the only one he will talk to. Please. You know he has a good heart. Let me help him."

Emily remains silent for a moment, and Bonnie knows that she is interceding on her behalf to the other witches. After what seemed like an eternity, Emily's voice speaks again, in a distant whisper.

"There is a concoction you can use. But know that our help can only extend so far. Do not call upon us again, or we shall resort to reprisals."

Bonnie exhales deeply. It's like a weight has just been lifted off her shoulders.

"Thank you."

Later in the night or earlier in the day, Elena wakes up to an empty bedroom. After withholding a yawn, her eyes snap open and she wrinkles her nose at the most disgusting smell. She wonders what in the world could possibly smell that bad. She's pretty sure that even a corpse wouldn't have such a strong scent.

As usual, she gets out of bed and stops in front of Jeremy's door to make sure that he is fine. The teenager is still asleep, his breathing peaceful and regular. Elena smiles at the sleeping figure of her little brother; she strides towards his bed and sits on the edge, running her fingers through his hair. He would shove her away if he were awake, rolling his eyes at her protectiveness, but she knows he likes it, deep down inside. Because when she mothers him like that, he can be a sixteen-year-old boy again and fake innocence. Her day doesn't start properly until she does that.

Every second of every day is nothing but an excruciating pain. Wherever Elena's eyes land, there's something there to remind her of Jenna, of John, of Damon. Every breath, every step she takes is torture, but she keeps her head held high, for Jeremy. She is all the family he has left and she will not fail him like she has failed them. She will be a mother, a father, an uncle, an aunt and a sister for him.

She's brought back to reality when Bonnie curses loudly from the kitchen. Elena rushes downstairs to find the room in a mess like never before. There are jars everywhere, each looking more suspicious and disgusting than the other. No wonder the house would smell like that, Elena is pretty sure there are dead things in these jars. In the middle of this mayhem stands Bonnie, covered in unidentifiable substances, with her hair disheveled. She's still in her pajamas, so Elena guesses she has been up to this right from when she woke up.

"Bonnie, what the Hell is going on here?" Elena says with an amused grin across her face.

"A potion. In the making. Sort of," the dark-skinned girl answers, avoiding Elena's glance.

"You're really taking this whole witchy thing to the next level, you know. May I ask why you're brewing some stinking potion in my kitchen, so early in the morning?"

"It's for Stefan."

Elena's smile vanishes instantly. She hasn't seen Stefan in two weeks. Actually, she has not even heard from him in two weeks, except for Alaric's daily reports. She has been putting off a visit but this might be her cue. What kind of trouble was Stefan getting himself into, that would require such a thing? Why would Bonnie help him? To begin with, why would he ask help from Bonnie and not her? Apart from the fact that she's not a witch, of course.

"Let me take it to him."

"Are you sure, Elena?" Bonnie asks with a concerned look. "He's really in a bad place right now."

"All the more reason for me to go."

Her friend agrees quite easily and so half an hour later, Elena has showered, left a note for Jeremy to not worry, and driven to the boarding house. Stefan must have heard her car pulling over, but he doesn't come out to greet her like he usually would. She has been sitting in her car for fifteen minutes, trying to figure out what she is going to say to him. She is so confused about him, about their relationship.

She understands the need to be alone. She does, but she's had enough of Stefan giving her the cold shoulder just because he's hurting. She is hurting, too. Yes, he has lost a brother and he should be devastated, but it's no reason to shut her out. She has lost a mother, a father and an aunt in basically the same time period and she's still standing. He has no right to write off her like that. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to their relationship.

She takes a deep breath and gets out of the car, careful to slam the door loud enough for him to hear, in case he doesn't already know that she's here. She strides slowly towards the mansion and opens the door. Well, if she thought her kitchen was a mess earlier, this is a completely different level. In the parlor, every item of furniture is covered in a thick layer of dust. There's broken glass on the floor, and a strong smell of alcohol in the air. Elena takes another deep breath, preparing herself to go upstairs and confront Stefan – she'll come back later to deal with the mess.

"OH MY GOD!" she screams when she turns around and he is standing there, mere inches away from her.

Stefan catches the bottle that escapes Elena's hands as she jumps back, using his vampire reflexes. He wrinkles his nose at the appalling smell and raises an eyebrow at her, but she is too busy scrutinizing him to say anything. He is nothing like the man she has grown to know and love. Before, one Stefan Salvatore just out of the shower was the most delightful sight to see. Now, it's a completely different story. His handsome features have disappeared under a repelling amount of facial hair and his eyes are blood-injected, probably from the lack of sleep. His hair is disheveled, and not in the sexy kind of way – truth be told, he looks like a wet animal and Elena instinctively takes a step back. I should be happy he's not growling at me this time.

"What are you doing here, Elena?" he groans and she rolls her eyes at him.

"Hey boyfriend, I'm fine, thanks," she snaps acidly. "I'm just dropping this," she adds, gesturing to the bottle he is still holding.

"What is it?"

"I'll tell you. After we talk."

It's Stefan's turn to roll his eyes. While the past month has changed him completely, Elena is still the same: she still wants to talk, because she still believes that talking can fix things.

"I can't talk to you right now, Elena."

"But you want to talk to Caroline," she points out, bitter.

"So that's what this is about," he sighs, annoyed. "Please stop embarrassing yourself with this jealous girlfriend act," he says harshly.

"I have a right to ask! What did I do? Are you upset with me, Stefan?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, Elena, I am upset with you for showing up here and going on and on about Caroline while we could be having a completely different conversation."

"Excuse me if I can't wrap my head around the fact that you are willing to travel through the years to speak to her while you ignore me," she snaps back.

"Excuse me if I'm worried about the girl who gave up on her life to save my brother," he says.

Elena looks at him with wide eyes. Over the past month, all she could get from Stefan was anger or, in the best case scenario, indifference. But just now, when he talked about Caroline, his voice naturally switched to something sweeter. She could have sworn she even saw the hint of a smile across his lips. But then she understands the meaning behind his words and her mouth drops. Is he seriously angry with her for not going in the past?

"Stefan, you- I… there's Jeremy, I couldn't! And you know you wouldn't have let me go, anyway! You can't hold that against me!"

He shakes his head in disbelief. She really doesn't understand.

"Of course I would never want you to leave Jeremy behind."

"So what is it? Tell me, so I can fix it," she begs him.

"You didn't even think about it. All I wanted was for you to consider throwing it all away to save him. To save me," he finally admits and it's immediately easier for him to breathe.

"Oh. So that's what makes Caroline so special."

"I wanted you to look out for me."

Elena heaves a deep sigh. She understands where he's coming from. He has saved her so many times, from so many things. He deserved to be saved as well, and he deserved her to have considered it. But even now, she can't bring herself to consider it for one second. There is Jeremy. And maybe she doesn't have enough love for both; maybe she can't love Stefan the way he deserves to be loved and be a rock for Jeremy at the same time.

"Jeremy…" she starts, but he cuts her off.

"…will always come first, I know," he says and he smiles at her for the first time in a month – it breaks her heart. "That's the way it should be."

"Then what?" she asks, afraid of the answer.

"You know what," Stefan says. "You must take care of your brother and I'm still trying to figure out a way to bring mine back. We can't make a relationship work right now, Elena," Stefan whispers, knowing that with these words, he will break her.

"I know."

This is a love they both want, but it's a love they don't need. Silence sets in between those two, who are now ex-lovers. Stefan listens to Elena's rising pulse as she tries to get a hold of herself and hold back her tears. He super-speeds to her and his arms close on her tiny figure. He lets his fingers tangle in her hair and for the first time in a month, he feels comfortable being close to her. She huddles up in his arms, letting the sadness get the best of her. He holds her tightly as she silently cries in the hollow of his neck.

He wants to tell her that she has changed him more than 145 years of existence have. He wants to tell her that apart from Damon, she is the person he loves the most on the planet. He wants to tell her that this isn't farewell, that it's goodbye for now – because at this very moment, there is no doubt in his mind that once he is able to stand on his own two feet again, he'll run back to her. But he can't speak and neither can she, so they stand here, in a tight embrace. After a few more minutes, Elena cups Stefan's face with her hands. Their eyes meet and Stefan feels his heart ache at the sight of the steam of tears on her cheeks; he tenderly wipes them away. It would be impossible to tell who initiates it, but they share a bittersweet goodbye kiss that lasts for as long as Elena can stay without breathing. Then, she reluctantly breaks away from him.

"The potion will take you into Caroline's dreams, Bonnie made it. Don't drink too much at a time, she can't make more."

"Thank you, Elena."

Your response to last chapter has been overwhelming : thank you ! I felt like we needed to keep up with what's going on in 2011 as well, so here it is. Are you really surprised that Elena and Stefan broke up? Oh, and what do you think is the bigger picture that Bonnie refers to? Hint : it's something BIG. Told ya I had many surprises coming up for you !

Reviews are love. Make me feel loved ;)

- M. -