A/N: Hi there. Yes, you, the beautiful person who made it this far. Would you mind providing some feedback? Am I boring you with all the non-Joker interaction? Is it maybe too much Shepard? Is it too dialogue driven? What about the grammar mistakes? (Not a native speaker) I love writing dialogues but I can't tell if it's too much. So I'd love to know what you think and maybe I can improve my writing (if it's within my range of abilities). This might end with me crying in a corner, but I'm willing to take that risk. I'm not planning to change the pace though, because, well, the moonlighting curse. People like me are the reason it exists. Sorry screenwriters, but I need my push and pull drama. Anyway, this turned out to be a long chapter; so enjoy, I hope.

And thanks to all who's already taken the time to review, I'm amazed by how much it motivates me to keep going. (This is my first multi-chapter anything)

Also the disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because creating my own is too much work.

Shepard descended the stairs to the deck below engineering. Jack was up and about and hadn't had a violent outburst, which the commander couldn't decide was a good thing or bad.

The biotic was sitting on her bed expressionless with a datapad in her hand.

"Jack."

"Shepard," said Jack, without taking her eyes off the datapad.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't," she said in an uninterested voice. "I'm already over it. You get over it too and it's done."

Shepard looked down and let out an empty laugh. Then she lifted her head and stared until Jack was unsettled enough to put the datapad down and look at her. The commander fixed her eyes on the biotic's menacing ones.

"You fucking kidding me?" she asked. "Because you're so graciously not throwing a tantrum I'm supposed to let this go?"

Jack jumped to her feet in a flash and stood in front of Shepard, her face just a few inches from the commander's.

"Yeah," she said with a dangerous tilt of her head. "That's exactly what you should do."

Shepard's body tingled, caused by the faint biotic pulses Jack emitted.

"Stand down Jack," she commanded, but Jack didn't move, and a little smirk appeared on the woman's lips.

Shepard pulled herself up to her full height.

"For once in your life, use your brain and assess the situation Jack," she said. "You're on board a ship equipped with a Cerberus AI, filled with Cerberus operatives. Say you manage to take me down, and that's one risky bet, what then? You wanna get captured or die at the hands of Cerberus just because you're too proud or stubborn or crazy or stupid to back down?" She stared down at her as Jack clenched her fists.

"You keep talking about your instincts," Shepard went on with a gleam in her eyes which Jack recognized on a primal level. She'd seen the same gleam many times on many reflective surfaces. "What do your instincts tell you now?"

Jack's jaw tightened and she brought her fists to her chest as she drew back half an inch.

"You will stand down, and you will listen," Shepard growled.

Jack turned around with a furious, frustrated scream and unleashed her energy on the crates in the room. She sat on the bed as they flew, hit the bulkhead and thumped back to the floor.

"Fine, talk," she said, still angry and defiant; but Shepard could read the fear beneath the layers. Not fear from her or anybody on the ship; it was a fear rooted deeper than that and Shepard knew it well. She'd struggled in a similar way when she'd felt someone care about her for the first time.

She leaned against the table across the bed.

"You don't bring your bullshit to the battlefield," she began. "You don't act on your own. You don't needlessly risk your or your squad mates' lives. You follow orders. You pull something like this again Jack, and next time you won't be waking up in the med-bay."

"Who says there'll be a next time?" Jack asked, clinging to her stubborn rebellion; but the note of surprise made it to Shepard's ears. She wants an answer.

"Were you planning to go somewhere?" Shepard asked. "You stay because you need to find something right? Has that changed?"

Jack shot a glance at the datapad next to her. "No," she bit out. She looked at the commander. "You need me that much for that mission of yours Shepard?" she asked. "Why don't you just give up, find someone else?"

"You're a part of my team," Shepard replied. "I'll fight for you as long as I can see a reason to."

Jack winced as if she was in pain. "Fuck you," she said, but her hostility was replaced with distrust. "It always comes down to what you can take."

"Maybe. But you can't expect to get if you're not willing to give," said Shepard and walked to the stairs. "And that goes both ways."

"Wait," Jack called after her as she was leaving. She stopped and turned around.

"I didn't think I'd get an apology out of you so soon," she said, a ghost of a grin on her lips.

"Don't push it boss-bitch," Jack spat. "It's the files. I've found something and now I can't sleep because I can't stop these thoughts in my head. Like little bugs, can't get them out."

"I'm listening," said Shepard.

Ten minutes later, she told Joker to set a course for Pragia.

It had been a calm couple of days after the Pragia incident, until Miranda had requested Shepard's assistance.

The Normandy waited at the docking bay on Illium while she watched the XO walk towards her sister.

Shepard didn't like to meddle in other people's personal affairs, but the desperation in Miranda's voice when she expressed her reluctance to meet Oriana was a cry for help if Shepard had ever heard one.

She needed a strong team for her quest and she used to think that people with nothing to lose made the best fighters, but she'd learned in time that in a war like this, people gave their best when they had something to hold on to.

When Miranda was done, she had a faint smile on her lips as she said "Thank you," with a softness Shepard didn't think she was capable of.

This was the ice queen, letting her guard down.

Back on the ship, Shepard was heading for the main battery for a chat with Garrus when she was interrupted by Joker's voice.

"Commander, Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a… Disagreement?" he said. "Can you head it off before they tear out a bulkhead?"

"I'll deal with it," she said.

"Take pictures."

Shepard rubbed her temples as Jack stormed out of Miranda's room. The situation wasn't ideal but at least it had improved from 'I'll smear the walls with you bitch' to 'I'll keep her alive so I can kill her myself later'.

"It's a good thing you came by when you did," Miranda said as she sat at her desk. "As long as she does her job, we'll be fine. Thanks Shepard." She gave the loitering commander a look. "Was there something else you wanted to talk about?"

Shepard sighed. "First, let me tell you that I absolutely don't think what I'm about to say justifies Jack's actions," she said.

"Understood."

"I've been to the facility where Jack was kept."

"I'm aware, commander. But it was a faction that went rogue."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she cut in. "Miranda, you kidnapped your baby sister to save her from your father's clutches, and just recently you fought with everything you had so she could continue living a normal life. I assume you understand how precious 'normal life' can be, and so do I." Desperate rage shadowed her face. "Those kids at that facility were experimented on. They were abused. You get it right? Tortured, Miranda. Any normalcy they'd known or would have known was stolen from them, brutally. Jack is a product of that ugly reality."

Miranda stayed silent as Shepard continued. "I don't condone letting my people of the hook when they fuck up because they'd had hard lives, that's not the point I'm trying to make. I just don't want you to stand by something you know to be wrong out of spite. You're better than that," she said. "So maybe at least try a little empathy next time?"

"She doesn't make it easy Shepard," Miranda said, with what Shepard hoped to be the tiniest amount of regret in her voice.

"No, she doesn't," Shepard agreed. "But still."

"The pictures?" Joker asked.

"I didn't know you were into snuff," said Shepard. "If I'd let Jack and Miranda have a go at each other, it would be gory. Splattered internal organs gory."

"Hey, don't crush a man's dreams," he said, grimacing. "But good job talking them down. I thought Jack was doing better after the whole Pragia business but yeah, I guess I'll keep that pistol under my pillow. That woman is volatile."

Shepard sat down. "Jack is a child," she said, as if talking to herself. "A child with a deadly weapon in her hands, who sees no reason not to use it and has zero impulse control to top it off." She turned to the pilot. "You know, when you think about how bad you had it? There's always someone who's had it worse."

"All the more reason to keep the pistol," Joker said. Shepard didn't talk about her past, ever. This was the most he'd gotten from her. He knew she was an orphan who never knew her parents, and her shady past involved a gang, but Joker didn't give a shit. He didn't need to know her past to know the woman, or to admire her.

"Well, we still have an assassin on our 'to recruit' list," Shepard said, reverting to her usual teasing voice. "Not to mention the asari justicar whose understanding of justice might be somewhat different than ours."

"Got it. I'll stop by the armory for some grenades," said Joker. "So Miranda didn't have any problems with you letting Jack stay?"

"Miranda understands this mission is far more important than any personal grudge," said Shepard, causing Joker to turn to her with an inquiring expression.

"What?"

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"I don't know what you mean," she said, looking away.

"Bullshit! I knew I saw the corners of her mouth curl upwards today when you were talking to her. What did you do?"

"Settle down Joker, I'm sure it was just a muscle twitch. Miranda's still the ice queen we all know and love."

"There's more to it isn't there? You said something to her. You made her like you!" said Joker with horror.

"I did no such thing!" objected Shepard. "I just made an effort to get to know her better and the rest followed," she continued guiltily. "She's not that bad," she added.

"I knew it," Joker said. "So you're friends now? Any slumber parties or pillow fights in the near future? Is there a chance Kelly might join you? Just say the word and I'll place the order for silk nighties."

"That's it; I'm restricting your extranet access."

"I can't believe you. Jack uses that sickening affectionate tone when she hurls expletives at you, Jacob's already a fanboy, Gabby's gone cross-eyed from rolling her eyes at Donnelly every time he speaks about how you beat him at Skyllian five, Kasumi follows you around when she thinks nobody notices, even Zaeed doesn't fuck with you and now Miranda?"

"What can I say, I'm charming."

Joker snorted. "You're batshit crazy, that's what you are. With a batshit crazy magnet."

"That certainly explains why you're here," Shepard quipped.

"You never miss a chance, do you?"

"I just can't resist it."

Joker smiled wide as he reclined in his seat, looking at her. "Never thought I'd ask this, but don't we have work to do?" he asked.

Shepard mimicked his position in the co-pilot seat. "We'll stay a while longer," she said. "I'm going to see Liara again."

Joker perked up. "That's good, isn't it?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Shepard. "Yeah. Sure it is." She sighed. "She's changed."

Joker fixed his eyes on the console as he said, "We all have, commander."

Shepard clenched and released her left hand to ease the numbness that always came attached to her emotional pain. Joker's words hurt her in a strange way as she realized she'd never be able to understand what they had to go through in the last two years.

They'd changed, because people changed after a tragedy.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, and Joker's breath got stuck in his throat. He wanted to scream at her for apologizing, for dying, for making him feel this way. He swallowed hard and tapped on the armrests.

"You know what pisses me off?" he said. "Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't."

Shepard chuckled as she stood up. "No wonder why Mordin's so keen on dissecting your brain," she said. "See you Joker."

"See you commander," he said, his bottled up frustration choking him.

"So Liara's still not coming," said Garrus, relaxing on the sofa at the port observation.

"She's not," Shepard replied.

"I thought she'd be the first to jump at the chance to be with you again," said Tali next to her.

"I can't expect people to drop everything just because I'm resurrected. Two years is a long time, priorities change."

The quarian hung her head. "I wanted to come with you when I saw you on Freedom's Progress," she began, but Shepard cut her off.

"Tali, you're here now," she said. "You came when you could, what more can I ask for?" She rubbed the back of her neck. "I'm sure Liara has her reasons too."

"Guess you're right," said Garrus. "But going after the Shadow Broker? What has she gotten herself into?"

"There's no talking her out of it, so all I can do is help with whatever she needs." She grinned. "Besides, I have you guys here."

"I don't like that look Shepard. What is it?" Garrus asked.

"What do you say to visiting another old friend?"

"You mean…"

"Grunt has some issues that need resolving and I've heard that Wrex is on Tuchanka."

"I haven't seen him for such a long time," Tali said with a quick glance at Garrus.

"Yeah, neither have I. It might be interesting," he said. "And I bet Joker will love that."

"He might try to hide it but I think he has a soft spot for Wrex," said Shepard.

"No. No, you're confusing Wrex with Liara."

Shepard laughed and reclined in the sofa, twirling her drink.

Garrus leaned forward, putting his elbows on his thighs. "I've heard what you did for Miranda," he said. "And Jack before that. You're going out of your way for your crew again. Just like old times."

"Don't make it sound so altruistic Garrus," Shepard said in a lower voice. "I'm doing it because I need to make these people mine." She winked at them. "I know from firsthand experience that it works."

"And it provides you with more asses to kick," Garrus pointed out.

"That too."

Garrus got up to fix himself a drink. "You want one Tali?" he asked. The quarian shook her head as he went behind the bar.

Tali turned to Shepard. "I was concerned when you told me you weren't undercover Shepard," she began. "I can't say I like the idea of having an AI on the ship and Cerberus watching us but…"

"But?"

"I'm really glad that you're alive," she said. "And I trust you."

"You know it's mutual."

"I've heard about Ashley. Garrus told me you guys met on Horizon. How are you feeling?"

Shepard looked at her glass. "Better than ever," she said, downing her scotch. "We have a bar."

She moved to the bar and took a seat. Tali followed, frowning at her evasiveness.

"Hey Garrus?" Shepard said.

"Hm?"

"I know you said you weren't bothered by Cerberus rebuilding me. But do you think everyone feels that way?"

Garrus turned his attention to her. "Are we talking about someone in particular?"

Shepard huffed through her nose. "We've established that Ashley isn't very happy about it," she said. "But yeah, I'm talking about Joker."

Tali turned in her seat to face her while Garrus' eyes widened with disbelief.

"Joker?" asked Tali. "Why would—"

"Are you kidding me?" Garrus interrupted. "He's the last person who'd be bothered by that. I still believe he does a happy dance every time he thinks about how he got you back."

Shepard couldn't help picturing the pilot dancing and shook her head smiling. "I know he's glad that I'm back, though I suspect he's happier about the Normandy." Her smile faded. "It's just…" He's all there one minute and the next he's avoiding my gaze. "Nah," she said. "You're right."

She stood up. "It's settled then. We're going to Tuchanka," she declared.

"Can't wait."

"I'll leave you guys to catch up," she said, patting Tali's shoulder. "I'll go give Grunt the good news."

She walked to the door and turned to the other side of the room.

"By the way, Kasumi, I know you're there," she said before leaving, and Garrus and Tali turned around to see the uncloaked thief on the sofa waving at them, utterly unembarrassed.

Kelly Chambers observed the reactions of the crew with an unsure smile as Shepard walked by. These people were handpicked for the Normandy, and they all respected the commander's name to begin with. But the yeoman was trained to see what most people wouldn't bother to look for; and from small gestures to subtle body language cues she was noticing the growing influence. The Illusive Man will be pleased, she thought as Shepard stepped onto the platform next to her and brought up the galaxy map. "Joker, set a course for Tuchanka," said the commander through the comm, and heard the loud exhale before the unenthusiastic 'aye aye'.

"Then Grunt started yelling, 'I am krogan!' and just headbutted the sucker. He should have known better than to mess with our little guy! Figuratively speaking."

"We faced a thresher maw. On foot. You killed it," said Miranda, impressed but still a little in shock.

"You should have taken me," complained Jack. "Now I have to add that to my 'to kill' list."

"Well it wasn't the first time for me, and I doubt it'll be the last. You can ask Garrus or Tali."

"Yep. For Shepard it becomes a bit personal when it comes to thresher maws. Something about Cerberus experiments…" said Garrus, shooting Miranda and Jacob a sideways glance.

Shepard looked down and rubbed her palm with her thumb. Jack's muscles tensed and her nostrils flared as she gave Miranda the evil eye, but Miranda was too focused on Shepard to notice.

Realizing the mistake of speaking about the Cerberus' questionable acts around Jack; Garrus cleared his throat and continued with a more cheerful tone. "I would have preferred to stay in the mako but no, she likes to finish off those giant worms that can melt you where you stand face to face."

Shepard lifted her head again and grinned. "Stop whining, you loved every minute of it. Anyway, I was telling you about the rite. You guys should have seen how those idiots scattered like pyjacks when Grunt started running towards them—"

"Aw, look at you bragging like a proud mama," said the approaching Joker and stood behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm not! Shut up," she protested as she turned her head to look at him.

"You totally were," agreed Jack, relaxed. She got up to leave. "See you losers later."

Miranda and Jacob too stood up. Miranda looked at Shepard and began, "Commander…", but decided against saying what she'd planned to say. "We've got work to do," she said instead as her expression returned to its familiar stony state.

"Do you think it's a coincidence Joker?" Garrus asked. "You arriving and everyone leaving?"

"No, it just means that I've conditioned them well. I'm not sure what went wrong with you though," he replied and headed for the galley to pick up a tray.

"Actually, I've started feeling the urge to recalibrate the guns."

Joker smiled as he limped back to the table. To his own amazement, he was enjoying the turian's company more and more each day.

"Shepard, earlier… I didn't mean to bring up Akuze like that."

"I know Garrus. Don't worry about it. Sometimes I forget that we're working with Cerberus too," she said.

"Yeah," Garrus said distantly. He looked at Joker who'd just put his tray on the table and sat down. "Ok. I'll go calibrate now. See you later."

After he left, Shepard turned to Joker.

"So, are you enjoying Tuchanka yet Joker?"

The helmsman raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, yes! Nothing like the rubble and dust, the vast dull grayness filled with angry krogan. It's like a dream come true isn't it commander? I'm even thinking of building a hut here, for retirement." He gave her an accusing look. "Seriously though, when are we leaving? I know you can't get enough of Wrex, and that monster that follows you around but can we go? Please?"

"Urz is not a monster. He's smart, loyal and he's cute," said Shepard.

"He's a varren," Joker said. "How cute can it be?"

"Cuter than you are when you make that face."

"Oh that's nice. Resorting to insults."

"You started it when you insulted Urz." Shepard frowned. The adrenalin from Grunt's rite was almost gone. "Why are you even complaining? You never leave the Normandy anyway."

"I see what you see Shepard. It's not pretty," he retorted.

"You don't have to. EDI can do fine on her own," she said with a devilish grin.

"You take that back," Joker hissed. "Or I'll take you up on what you just said. That'll wipe that smirk off your face." He leaned forward. "You need my frantic voice, remember?" he said.

Shepard's grin turned into a lopsided smile. The man had a good memory.

"That I do," she said with a fake sigh. "To answer your question," she went on, "We'll stay a bit longer. Get out and enjoy the sights while you can Joker, since you love it here so much. I'll even have Urz escort you. Consider it a gift."

"God I hope you don't know my birthday. Why are we staying? I thought we were going back to Illium?"

"The justicar can wait. I need to take care of something for Mordin first. We'll take a truck to some old hospital at 1600 hours."

"Um, I thought the place crawled with blood pack mercs. And probably some not so friendly krogans. You sure you don't need some rest first Shepard? Have you even been to the med bay yet?"

Shepard leaned forward and squinted. "Dr. Chakwas? Is that you in there?"

"Shit, I really should spend less time in the med bay. I think her attitude is starting to rub off on me," said Joker, laughing.

"I should go," said Shepard, getting up. "And I have been to the med bay. You know better than I do how the doc gets."

"All right, see you commander."

"I'll be fine," added Shepard, feeling the need to convince him—or herself.

"I know you will," said Joker, seemingly busy with his tray.

But he was concerned. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he sensed something was off. She was too lively for a person who'd been fighting non-stop and preparing for a suicide mission. He didn't know how to help her or whether she even needed help.

At least she seemed to dismiss his stupid comment after Horizon.

He sighed as she walked away; remembering the moment when they'd met at the Minuteman station for the first time after she'd woken up. He had relived that memory dozens of times in his mind since then; their arms around each other, her hair grazing his neck… And he'd known for a while now that his feelings for Shepard exceeded the limits of friendship, but he'd gotten so used to ignoring that particular aspect of life, he didn't know what to do with it.

The few relationships—ones that could be considered serious—he'd had after his graduation took too much effort, his disability made sure of that. While he'd never had too much trouble getting a woman to like him when he wanted to, the trouble was maintaining a relationship, not starting one.

So how the hell could he go after someone like her? Especially when he was still having a hard time looking her in the eye?

But if he did and if by some miracle the stars aligned the right way and she felt the same, could they make it work? And if they couldn't, would they be able to bounce back from it?

Maybe it would be better if I start small, he thought. Not dodging her questions about the last two years and not trying to navigate all our conversations to a shallow end might be of help, for example.

I'll talk to her; he lied to himself, when this is all over.

"The surviving races will frighten their children with tales of what the Blood Pack did to the turians!"

"Do it Shepard," Zaeed said.

"But he was gonna let us go," Shepard protested in a sympathetic voice.

"The asari will scream as their Citadel plunges into the sun! We will keep salarians as slaves and eat their eggs as a delicacy!"

Shepard shot a glance at her appalled salarian squad mate.

Zaeed made an urging gesture. "They're preparing to attack," he said.

"Yes they are. But he's captivating," she said, causing the mercenary to groan. "Oh, ok."

"If you lack the wisdom to flee—"

"You talk too much," said Shepard, shooting at the gas pipe below the platform.

"See? The human cannot even hit a single target!" said the Weyrloc Clan speaker and Shepard fired again.

After the showdown with Maelon; Shepard, Tali and Garrus said their goodbyes to Wrex and regrouped with Zaeed, Mordin and Grunt by the shuttle.

"Did you find what you were looking for Mordin?" Garrus asked on their way to the Normandy.

The salarian sighed, looking a little less distressed than he did five minutes ago. "Not what I expected, but a problem needed solving nonetheless. We solved it," he said.

"You did clan Urdnot a big favor," Grunt said. "To my clan," he added.

"Yeah, these two goddamn pyromaniacs had a field day with Weyrloc Blood Pack," said Zaeed, nodding to Mordin and Shepard.

"Oh, did you finally find a stable fire-tech for your savant?" Tali asked. "She sulked for days when we couldn't optimize the accuracy two years ago," she explained to the others.

"Gotta love old friends," Shepard grumbled and she recalled Maelon's guilt and desperation as he called Mordin out. Causing suffering to ease suffering, she thought. Losing oneself in the big picture was as dangerous as trying to fix all the details in the smaller one. Everyone needs a guidepost.

She looked at Mordin's calm face as the shuttle landed in the hangar bay. Does he still stand by his actions or does he have his doubts, she wondered. That salarian was one tough nut to crack.

Joker was in the med-bay waiting for Dr. Chakwas' return when Shepard barged in.

"Hey doc, Wrex sends his regards," she said as she entered. "'That woman knew how to hold her liquor'," she went on with her best Wrex impression and lifted her head to see Joker looking at her like he'd just found a million credits.

"You make a pretty good Wrex commander," he said, grinning ear to ear.

Shepard pursed her lips with a slow nod. "It had to be you," she said, feeling her face get warmer as she looked at him and sat on the bed across from the one he was sitting. "So, what brings you here?"

"Routine scans and treatment follow-ups," said the pilot. "Dr. Chakwas should be back in a minute, so I wouldn't mind if you'd like to stay and wait, maybe do a hanar impression?"

"You're gonna tell everyone aren't you?"

"And I'll exaggerate," said Joker happily.

Shepard laughed and tilted her head. "By the way, I think it's getting a little bit chilly in here," she said, looking at his shirtless torso which had a few electrodes stuck to it.

Joker looked down at his chest, then squinted at her. "Hey, eyes up here Shepard," he said. "But I sympathize," he added with his trademark smug look.

"Mm-hmm," she replied with less mockery than the pilot had expected. Shepard had her share of living in close quarters and lack of privacy like most soldiers, but sitting face to face with a half-naked Joker still felt intimate. He had his cap beside him on the bed, which made things worse because she found herself wishing she could just walk to him, run her fingers through his hair and— What the hell Riley, she scolded herself before her imagination ran too wild. She huffed, looking at the overhead and scratched her hair.

Joker smiled as Shepard tried and failed to smooth her wild red hair with her fingers. He could name more than a few things he found attractive about her, but her hair had to be the commander's most eye-catching feature. Especially now that it was shorter, it tended to get fluffier; giving her a bit of a mad scientist look.

His smile disappeared as he noticed the color matched her fading scars.

"Shepard, I—" he began, but the door opened and Dr. Chakwas entered. He exhaled, annoyed but relieved.

"Oh, hello commander," said the doctor and bent down to check her screen. "You're all set Jeff."

"Hi doc," said Shepard, prying her eyes off the helmsman who took the electrodes off to put his shirt on.

"Ready when you are."

The doctor activated her omni tool and Joker got up. "See you both later," he said as Dr. Chakwas prepared to scan Shepard.

"Commander, don't forget to relay Wrex' message," he added before he left the room and let out an evil laugh as he heard Dr. Chakwas' stern tone.

"Try to stay still Shepard."