Phineas and Ferb
The New Adventures of Phineas and Ferb
Episode 8: He'll be Coming 'Round the Ghetto
Episode Summary: After watching a documentary on the history of black people, Phineas suddenly decides to explore the world of the "ghetto". He takes on all the personality traits of someone from Brooklyn, but also takes on the severe consequences that come with it. Meanwhile, Perry gets bored at home when he is given the day off, and Linda tries to renew her license, and along the way, discovers the source of Candace's paranois problems.
A/N: Get ready for another Everybody Hates Chris reference. All narrations are in bold and are done in Chris Rock's POV.
Disclaimer: Phineas and Ferb does not belong to me. It belongs to the two geniuses Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh. Keep up the good work, gentlemen!
[Everybody Hates Chris theme song plays]
It was nighttime in Danville (just hours after the 'Journey to the Center of the Earth'). Perry was in his secret lair, receiving his payment and a congratulary thank you from his boss.
"Agent P, your mission was a success. You stopped Doofenshmirtz from destroying the world and recreating it in his own, twisted image. On behalf of the Agency, I would like to thank you with a giant bonus check, but...due to some recent budget cuts, all I can afford is your regular payment."
At that point, Perry's weekly paycheck slipped through his printer. He took it out and looked at it for a moment. He then looked up at his boss. "So, instead, the agency has opted for you to have tomorrow off from work. Congratulations, Agent P. You've earned it."
The platypus sighed a sigh of relief, saluted his boss, and then left to return to his family, who were watching TV on the couch in the living room. They were watching a documentary on the achievements of African Americans, in celebration of President Barack Obama's presidency.
"Gee, dad, all of these folks sure talk funny." Phineas said, noting how all the black people mentioned on TV talk in a way that makes them seem dumber.
"Well, son, unfortunately, most of them grew up on the streets and thus, they didn't learn proper English. That's why they talk like they're trying to hurt people when really, they're not."
"But look at them. So many of them are so successful. Look at Will Smith, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Kanye West, even president Obama."
"Yes, well, obviously those people knew what was right and wrong with today's society, and have dedicated their time to change things."
"Boy, I wish I could be like them. I wish I could act like them. Then maybe I'd be able to make a difference."
"Well, Phineas, what you want may not always be what you need. Trust me. Now come on, scamp. It's time for bed."
"Alright, alright." Phineas and Ferbboth stood up, said goodnight to their mother and father, and then went upstairs so they could put on their pajamas and climb into bed. All throughout the night, though, he kept having dreams about what it would've been like to grow up in Brooklyn, like Chris Rock. After all, Chris Rock was the only black kid in his high school. And thus, our story begins.
Danville was naturally a very quiet and sirene town, and the only noise you could hear during the day would be the construction of another one of Phineas and Ferb'swonderful projects. That, or the sound of Candace screaming her head off. But she's in military school.
Linda, Lawrence, Ferb, and Isabella, who had come in earlier, were eating breakfast in the kitchen. It was seven o' clock in the morning, and Phineas was the only one not eating yet.
But he soon came down, and he was already dressed...in a black leather jacket and black leather pants. And apparently, Phineas is off his nut.
"Good morning, family." He said valiently as he walked over to where Isabella was sitting, and kissed her. "And good morning, Isabella. What up?"
"Excuse me?"
"What up? That's street for 'What's going on'? Whaddya think of my new street lingo, babe?" I used to think he was just held back a few years.
"Excuse me, did you just call me babe!?"
"Yes. Yes I did. So, babe, you wanna do something later?"
"Phineas, what exactly are you doing?" Lind asked curiously.
"What?"
"Well, you're talking weird, and you're dressed differently."
"Remember that documentary we watched last night about the history of African Americans?"
"Yeah."
"Well, since they all turned out so famous, I've decided that I'm going to step into their shoes and live the life of an street thug." What he didn't know was back in my day, there was a difference between acting street and acting black. Only problem was, acting street didn't sit too well with our government.
"Phineas, are you sure that's a good idea?" Isabella asked curiously.
"Of course I am. I mean, what's the worst thing that could possibly happen?" You could die.
"I guess you have a point. Still, I can't help but worry about you."
"There's no need, Isabella. If I thought that I were in any danger, then I wouldn't be wearing this leather jacket." Only two people could sport a leather jacket like that: Burt Reynolds and Norm MacDonald when he's impersonating Burt Reynolds on SNL. "By the way, where's Perry?"
He noticed that his platypus wasn't with them, but when he walked into the living room, he noticed Perry sleeping on the couch. "Oh, there he is. That's weird. He's always disappeared by now." Like our country's money.
"Perhaps he's been a bit lonely lately and wants to spend some time with his family." Ferb implied, to which Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella gave some thought.
"Nah, he's probably sick. Poor Perry. Oh well. Come on, boy. Let's get you into bed." He picked up his pet platypus and put him in his bed. "There you go. Now you rest up, buddy." Phineas looked up at his mom who walked into the living room. "So mom, what are you and dad doing today?"
"Well, your father's off to his seminar and I'm off to renew my license. Are you kids going to be OK here?"
"Sure, mom. We'll be fine. I mean, we'll be chillin'. You dig me, mamasita?" Oh you'll be digged alright. Digged up, that is.
"OK. You know our numbers. Call if there is any trouble. Bye." She bent down and kissed both her children on the foreheads, stroked Isabella's hair, and then whisked off in a hurry.
"Well, that was drippin'." Phineas said in a street tone. "Come on. Let's go." He led the three of them outside, leaving Lawrence to finish his breakfast, and Perry to nap in his bed, enjoying his first day off in years.
So Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella went outside, ready to embrace yet another glorious summer's day. "Now this is the life! Sunshine, birds singing, Mr. Brown's house getting destroyed on a daily basis..." Isabella said with a big ol' smile on her face. "Now that's summer!" No! That's America!
"Oh I hear you, girl!" Phineas said. "Nothin' like standing out here in a black jacket with an entire summer ahead of ya. We're gonna have a blast, right, dog?" He turned to Ferb, who didn't turn his head. "Dog? Yo, you feel me? Ah, whateves! You don't care. Oh well, let's shimmy on over to Jeet's house." He doesn't even realize that half the stuff he's saying isn't even street. It's 70's.
He knocked on Baljeet's front door as they approached his house. Baljeet answered almost immediately, wearing his standard clothes. "Oh, hello Phineas. Ferb." He looked at Isabella and immediately his eyes were filled with hearts. "Isabella."
"Yo whadup, Jeet?" Phineas said. "How's it hangin'?"
"I beg your pardon?" The boy asked, confused to see his friend acting street.
"I say 'How's it hangin'? 'How's it hangin'?" That's not cool no matter how many times you say it.
"Um, I am fine, I suppose."
"Ugh!" Phineas sighed and cupped his eyebrows. "See, that's the problem with you, Jeet. You're too book smart. You don't understand what it means to be street like me. I'm hip, I'm funky, and I'm wearing extremely tight leather pants."
"I know..." Isabella said dreamily, staring at Phineas.
"Eyes up, girl. So, Jeet, go get dressed and let's go enjoy life in the ghetto."
"But...I am dressed." You look like you just got out of bed on Monday morning.
"Oh. Right."
"Well...I must be on my way."
"Why? Where are you going?" Isabella asked.
"My parents told me that I should get more involved with sports rather than just books all the time. So I signed up for baseball camp. Today is our first game."
"That's cool. Are you any good?"
"No! I am horrible at it!"
"But it's so easy, Jeet! All you have to know is how to bat, swing, catch, and throw." And how to warm benches.
"I supposed you are right. But I cannot seem to "get a grip" on the game. Still, it is very exciting. Would you like to join me?" No!
"Yeah!" Damn! "That's sounds drippin'." Phineas was going a bit overboard with his street lingo, and it was actually starting to annoy his friends. "What?"
"Phineas, you're not very street." Isabella said to her boyfriend, who barely even heard her.
"Aw, come on, toots." He said as he put his arm around her shoulder, making her just a tad uncomfortable. "We all got something we ain't proud of. I got my skeletons in my closet, and you got all that action going down there."
She turned to him fiercely, eyeing him down. "Ex-Excuse me!?"
"I'm saying what you got down there's pretty, girl. Now come on, let's go cheer Jeet on at his baseball game." He turned around and started walking away, following Baljeet to the park. Isabella and Ferb stayed behind.
"Did you-Did you just hear what Phineas said to me!? He was making me feel uncomfortable!"
"Well, haven't you been doing that to him for the past week?"
"N-No. No! It was different with me! I was complimenting him and he was insulting me!" Say what?
"Well, this reminds me of an old saying: Treat others the way you would like to be treated." Somebody should tell that to Rod Blagojevich.
While they were busy with sports, their mother was busy with Drivers Ed. Linda drove up to the parking lot of the "Danville Drivers Institution" so she could renew her drivers license. She got out of her car and started making her way to the front door, when she discovered that there was an extremely long line that started inside and continued outside. "Oh my goodness! That line must be at least 50 people long!" It's even longer than the line to see a David Copperfield show.
She walked hesitantly towards the line, trying to get a good view of where the end of it was. She was shocked to see it went all the way around the store, to the other side of the building. "This is going to take forever!" SHe shouted to herself, to the distain of other people around her.
"Hey, lady! We don't like it any more than you do!" One guy said. "But can you please keep your nasally voice down!? They might send the security guards after us!"
Linda looked at the guy for a moment before turning to the people in front of her. "My voice isn't that nasally, is it?" To those at the Warner Theater, it is.
So Linda went to the back of the line and waited patiently for her turn...or, at least tried to. 5 minutes in, and she was already getting annoyed. "Come on, people! Keep this line moving! I got places to be!"
"Hey lady, keep it down up there!" A guy who had moved to the back of the line said. "We all got places to be! The world don't revolve around you." That's what the White House is for.
Linda looked back at the man, who seemed rude to her, and scoffed. "Well, at least I'm not fat!" She shouted, which caused him to step out of the line, walk up to her, and stare her down fiercely.
"What did you say, woman!?"
"Uh...Uh...nothing..."
"You better! Or else you're gonna get a big helping of this!" He held up his giant fist at her, causing her to shake. With that, he stood up and left to take his place back in line. Linda was left frozen in her tracks. "Now keep this line moving, fatty! I don't want to have to look at you all day!"
"Excuse me, but do you know who I am!?" Catherine Zeta Jones?
"Yeah. You're Lindana! I hated her!!" I can see why.
Meanwhile, back at home, Perry was sleeping in his bed, keyword was. He had awakened for a strange reason, and started walking around the house. He was a bit on edge, as by now, he was normally on his way to Dr. Doofenshmirtz's lair to foil another evil plan of his. But not today. Today he was supposed to be relaxing, but he couldn't. So he decided to pay his lair a visit.
"A-Agent P!" It was no secret that Major Monogram was surprised to see him there. "What are you doing here!? I mean, not that I'm upset to see you or anything, but...you have the day off, remember?"
Perry nodded and sighed.
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I don't have a mission ready for you. I mean, Doofenshmirtz is up to something but Wanda's division sent one of its top agents to foil Dr. Doofenshmirtz's plan for you." Now I see what they meant by "Animal Research".
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Meanwhile, over at the evil scientist's lair, the doctor was busy working on his latest creation, when suddenly, his window breaks. He turns around, assuming it's his nemesis.
"Ahh, Perry the Platypus. As usual, your timing is un--wait, wait, you're not Perry the Platypus." He was surprised to see that instead of Perry standing there, it was his Wanda's division counterpart, Pinky the Chihuahua. "Wh-Who are you?"
Pink walked over to the evil scientist and handed him a note that Monogram had given him, explaining everything.
Doofenshmirtz read it aloud. "Dear Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, due to Perry the Platypus taking a personal day today, Wanda's division of the O.W.C.A. has sent over a temporary replacement to foil your evil plan, Pinky the Chihuahua. Signed, Major Francis Monogram.Oh come on, you can't be serious!! First, Scripps takes away my favorite channels, and then the organization takes away my nemesis!?" Be grateful they didn't take your house. "Oh this stinks! They can't do this to me!" Looks like they just did.
"Ah, who cares? I don't need him! Besides," He took out a remote and pressed the button, and in seconds, Pinky's two back feet were cuffed to the ground. "This gives me the perfect opportunity to test out my latest invention." He pressed another button, and out came a giant laser gun, with a laser pointer of every color installed in it. "Behold...the Fade-inator!" Looks more like one of the lamps my father used to build.
"So, Pinky the Chihuahua, yo-you notice how all evil villains on TV have their favorite color set to black? You notice that? Well, NOT ME! I hate that color! I hate it so very much! It-It all started when I was very young. Back in Druselstein, I used to get beaten up on a daily basis. The local bullies would punch me and kick me all over, and by the end of the day...well, strangely enough, the only bruising I would get would be two black eyes. But I got beaten on a daily basis. Every single day, for 5 years, I'd go and get two black eyes. And once I was done getting cleaned up, I would go and be forced to be the lawn gnome...uh, I'd rather not go into that backstory again. I hope you don't mind. Anyway, now I have the chance to eliminate the color black from the entire Tri-State Area! And my new Fade-inator with do that!"
"You see, Pinky the Chihuahua, once I activate this device, this machine will shoot a laser from any laser pointer from the color choice that I want to eliminate. For example, if I choose to eliminate the color green, I'll set the machine to fire out of the green laser pointer. Then, with the homing chip I designed and installed, the laser beam will fire into the skies of the Tri-State Area, and hit a random object of that color, thus causing the color to fade off of that object into oblivion forever! Here, I-I'll give you a demonstration."
He set up his machine to fire out a red laser, and then fired. The laser traveled across the Tri-State Area, and hit a stop sign on Maple Drive. THe entire color red was faded away, and the letters S-T-O-P were rendered invisible since they were painted white, which was what the stop sign was left after the laser was done with it. Meanwhile, a car, going at about 40 miles an hour, was coming down the street,, and had his eye on the sign. Since he saw it disappear, he began to panic and started driving crazily in the street, eventually turning his wheel the wrong way and crashing his car into Cleveland's house, and...well, you know the rest.
Cleveland looked at the driver of the car and angrily stood up, putting a towel over his private parts. "Boy, what is wrong with you!? Didn't you see that stop sign over there!?" He pointed over to where the stop sign once was. Apparently, Cleveland put up the stop sign to stop people from crashing into his house.
"What stop sign?"
"What stop sign!? Boy, just look over...wait a minute!!" He looked over and saw the stop sign was all white. "Wait a sec, what the heck happened to my stop sign!? Aww, dang! The government must've taken it back! I don't get it! I only put it up hours ago! Stuff like that usually doesn't disappear that quickly for Phineas and Ferb!" If Congress worked that quickly to pass Health Care, whoknows where we would be right now!?
While Cleveland was figuring out his mid-life crisis, Baljeet was trying to figure out how to play baseball. Meanwhile, Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Baljeet were at the Danville Baseball Stadium. It was time for Baljeet's little league game. His team was called the "Mathamaticians" and consisted of him, along with the Fireside Girls, Adyson, Milly, Ginger, Gretchen, Holly, & Katie, and Buford. They were playing against the Danville "Cold Sloths", a rival Tri-State baseball team. It's a long story, but back in the old day, there was a screw-up in the creation of the team, and as a result, two teams were created, rivaling each other ever since. They rival each other in the Major Leagues, and now their children carry on the tradition.
Baljeet stepped up to the bat. His team was down by 3 runs, and the bases were loaded. "Come on, Jeet! You can do it!" Phineas yelled encouragingly to his friend. "Just remember what I told you! Release your inner ghetto!" Back in Brooklyn, they called that "mugging a senior".
Baljeet was totally unsure of what he meant by that. So instead, he just turned to the pitcher and waited for his to throw the ball. The first pitch came at him quickly, and was called a "strike" since Baljeet swung his bat. "STRIKE 1!" The umpire yelled.
"Hit me home, nerd, before I hit you!" Buford yelled, who was on third base. Milly was on second base, and Katie was on first base.
The second pitch came, and once again, it was a strike. "STRIKE 2!!" The umpire yelled out. People in the stands were groaning and beginning to boo. This is exactly what happened to Brittany Spears's career.
"Oh no! I cannot strike out! I cannot afford a bad grade. My dreams of going to Harvard will be trashed!" They're already trashed. But it ain't because of his grades.
"You can do it, Baljeet!" Phineas yelled to his friend. "Just remember what I said! Release your inner ghetto!"
"But Phineas, I cannot--"
"You can! You're just telling yourself you can't because you're scared! Relax and let your mind do the rest!"
Baljeet took in some deep breaths, and closed his eyes, hoping to concentrate enough to suddenly get good at baseball. Unfortunately, he did not focus again in time to see the ball coming at him. "STRIKE 3!! YOU'RE OUT! CLOD SLOTHS WIN 5 to 2!"
"WHAT!?" Baljeet shouted, turning to face the umpire. "What kind of stinkin' call was that!? That was clearly a ball! I've seen my great-grandmother make better calls than that, and she is 104!"
"Look, kid, I think you're a little too young to be questioning an umpire."
"And I think you're too fat to be an umpire, bub!"
Everybody there gasped simultaneously. Well, it was nice knowing him. Sort of... "That's right! You think you're sooooooo cool! What, with your stinky helmet and that stupid torso padding you have on your body!? Well you are not! Because that was the lousiest call I have ever seen a white fat man make in my entire life! You, sir, are pathetic!" With that, he decided to swing his bat at the umpire's head, missing, since the umpire ducked in time. With that, he threw his bat to the ground and stormed away, meeting up with his friends. "How was that, Phineas? Was that enough "inner ghetto" for you?"
"Uh...Baljeet, I hate to say this, but that wasn't your inner ghetto."
"It was not?"
"No. That was your inner Kanye West." Ouch.
"And...that's a bad thing? I mean, your sister must've unleashed it on you and Ferb all the time when she was still here." I don't know who that hurt more. "But you know what, I believe you had a point back there, Phineas. Perhaps I do not know all there is about the life of a street thug."
"See, that's what I was trying to tell you, dawg. There's more to life than just books and school. It's about the open street, the open road. It's about getting down and dirty, taking risks, living life to the fullest! In fact, I think I know just how to show you..." I don't think Monty Python's gonna help us.
"Phineas, what are you thinking?" Isabella immediately asked.
"I'm thinking that the only way to show Baljeet the true meaning of the street life is to have all of our friends embrace it."
"What are you talking about!?"
"I mean, the whole leather jackets, leather pants, cool glasses, street lingo, that kind of stuff."
"Look, as much as I love your big ideas, I don't feel so good about this one. I mean, acting the way you are on a regular basis could get you in a lot of trouble."
"Oh stop your worrying, babe!" He slapped her backside (literally, her back, not her butt) and caused her to jolt up in the air a few inches. "Quit being so high and tight all the time! Loosen up! Live! That's what life is all about!" My dad always told me that life was all about getting a good job, meeting a nice woman, making some money, and finding a nice place to live. Apparently, he was right. "Come on! It'll be fun!"
"No, Phineas! I'm not doing it! Not this time!"
"Fine. Suit yourself."
Before they had a chacne to leave the ballpark, Baljeet's couch, Coach Michaels (who would be portrayed by Jillian Michaels) came up to him with a paper in her hand. She handed the paper to baljeet, who took it and sighed. "Wait a minute. A C+!?"
"Well, Jeet, your ball handling did suck out there, and--"
"I know that, Phineas! I'm surprised because I beleived that I would have gotten an F! So what happened, Coach Michaels?"
"Well, you are on the Academics Team, aren't you?"
"Yes, but I do not see--"
"Bring us home the trophy this year, man. See you in September!" Here's a little life lesson for you: Black man plus Academics Team equals a C+ in sports. It even works in reverse.
(Cue Flashback)
Buford was standing by the teacher's desk, having just handed in his History Paper. History was Buford's worst subject, and he was fearing the worst. But his fears were tarnished once he got his grade. "A C+!?" Bufrod said in surprise.
"Sure. I mean, look, you wrote your paper on a used napkin, it has absolutely nothing to do with the Industrial Revollution, you have the pennmanship of a four-year old girl, but...you're on the wrestling team, right?"
"Yes. Yes I am!" White man plus Wrestling Team equals a C+ in Chemistry.
(End Flashback)
While Phineas was getting ready to put together an army, Linda was getting ready to take her driving test. Finally, after an hour of waiting in line, Linda was at the front desk of the Driving Institution.
"Can I help you?" The man at the desk, Mr. Harper, asked.
"Yes. I'm here to renew my driver's license. It expires today." Linda said patiently.
"OK. Just fill out this form, take a number, and wait for your number to be called, where you'll proceed to the driving portion of our test. After that, you'll take the written part of our test. Remember, a grade above 80% is passing." Just like the ACT's.
"Thank you." She took her form and proceeded to one of the waiting chairs, where she filled out the form quickly, and then waited for her number to be called. Unfrotunately for everybody else, she had a problem with waiting. After five minutes passed, she began to grow agitated, thus stemming a bit of her paranoia and impatiences, two traits commonly found in her own daughter, Candace, though she's often too stupid to see this. "OK, this is ridiculous!" She screamed as she stormed up to the counter. "Sir, I have been waiting here for hours and I have not been called yet! What gives!?"
"Um, miss? You've only been here five minutes."
Linda opened her eyes widely and looked down at her watch, and suddenly felt stupid. "Oh. Really? Has it only been five minutes?" In Europe, they've already passed 17 new laws.
"Yes. And I'm going to have to ask you not to shout, please. This is a public domain, and the world doesn't revolve around you."
"Fine. Sorry." Linda turned around to return to her seat, before Mr. Harper shouted something out.
"19!" Indiciating the next number he'd be serving.
Meanwhile, back at Doofensmhirtz's evil lair...
"And now, it's time for me to eliminate all traces of the color black in all of the Tri-State Area! Ahahahaha! And the best part is, there is nothing you can do about it, Pinky the Chihuahua! W-Wow, that sounds really awkward. I-I can't wait until tomorrow when Perry the Platypus comes back. Then I won't feel so--"
While Doofenshmirtz was rambling, Pinky was busy trying to break free from his trap. While Pinky was just as experienced as Perry was when it came to doing his job, physically, he was a bit weaker. He couldn't break out as easily as Perry could, and as a result, he was close to putting the world in jeopardy of losing a favorite color forever. Of course, there was still the facts of Doofenshmirtz's occasional malfunctions, like now.
"Oh no, no, no!" Doofenshmirtz noticed that his machine was started to smoke up. "Not now! Aww, this thing is always malfunctioning on me! Oh man, I hope this doesn't interfere with my plans today!" This small setback bought Pinky some time, so he tried to escape from his trap.
Pinky used one of his toenails (yes, Isabella did a poor job of cutting her dog's toenails) to jiggle the lock in one of her cuffs. After he freed his left foot, he focused on his right foot, and once both feet were free, he set his sights on Doofenshmirtz, and he started by punching and kicked him all over the place. "Pinky the Chihuahua!? You've escaped! Well, that's only a minor setback! For you see, I have another trap ready for you!" So he pulled out a ray gun that produced nearly unbreakable bubbles (similar to the one he used on Perry in Are you my Mummy?) and shot several bubbles at Pinky. But he missed every single shot, and instead of trapping other things in the bubbles, they formed together to create one big bubble, and the more bubbles Doofenshmirtz shot, the bigger the bubble became. "Wait, wait, wait! What is going on!?" Doofenshmirtz shouted.
The bubble only continued to grow bigger and bigger until finally, both Doofenshmirtz and Pinky were trapped in one giant bubble, unpenetrable from the inside. "Well...this is...bad..." But the good news is, you might not have to pay rent this month.
Phineas had decided to take all of his friends down to the Danville Shopping Store, where they could find clothes that only a street thug would wear. Ominous music began playing as every one of Phinea's friends, with the exception of Isabella, began surfing the store for black leather jackets & leather pants, leather shoes, anything that either a street thug or a goth kid would wear. After they were done suiting up, they took to the streets to strut their stuff, while Isabella lazily followed behind.
They told him don't you ever come around here
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it
Their first stop was an abandoned neighborhood on the edge of Danville. While they were there, they met up with a local gang that hung out there. An intense lash-out between the two gangs resulted in both of them leaving bitter and upset. So Phineas decided to lead his platton to another neighborhood.
You better run, you better do what you can
Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man
You wanna be tough, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
They stopped over at a fast-food joint to grab some lunch, and while Phineas was trying to impress Isabella with his street lingo, all he was doing was getting her angry. She didn't like the fact that Phineas was totally different than what she was used to about him. And she most definitely did not like the fact that she had dragged her troop into it as well.
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, (beat it)
Just beat it, (beat it)
Just beat it, (beat it)
Just beat it, (beat it)
They're out to get you, better leave while you can You have to show them that you're really not scared
Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll kick you, then they beat you,
Then they'll tell you it's fair
So beat it, but you wanna be bad
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
After a lot of moving around, Phineas, Ferb, and everybody else finally decided to take a short rest in a dark alley near the edge of the Tri-State Area. All the while, Isabella was getting more and more upset with Phineas, and Adyson could see that.
"Hey Isabella, what's the matter?" She asked.
"It's Phineas. He's not acting like himself. He's acting like a regular street thug, and I don't like it one bit!"
"Why not?"
"Because that's not the Phineas I fell in love with! He's talking in street, and half the time I can't understand him! My Phineas is compassionate, understanding, optimistic, cute, and fun-loving." So was Gary Coleman. "I want that Phineas back!"
"Well you know how he is. Once today ends, he'll be over this whole street thing and he'll be on to something else tomorrow. But, if it's really bothering you, you could always go talk to him about it."
"I guess...I just hope he's not too caught up in this whole "street" thing to listen." I once tried to act that way in front of my dad. All that got me was two black eyes and a broken jaw.
So Isabella walked up to Phineas, who was chewing on a toothpick, you know, like most street people do. "Uh, Phineas, can I talk to you for a second?"
Phineas looked up at her and took off his glasses, revealing a neutral and somewhat annoyed look.
"Look, I don't exactly know how to say this, but...I don't like this new "ghetto" persona you've taken on."
"What'cha talkin' about, girl?"
"See! Right there! That kind of talk -- it's just stupid! I don't like i! And I don't care that it's your big summer project for the day!"
"Babe, please! Nothing could possibly go wrong! You worry way too much."
"Me!? Worry too much!?"
"Yeah. Just relax and enjoy the new view, toots." Toots!?
"Say what!?"
"Say word!" Oh there's a word she wants to say alright.
Meanwhile, another gang had snuck up on them and were looking pretty angry with them. "Hey!" The gang leader shouted, gathering everybody's attention.
"S'up, bro!" Phineas shouted to him. "How's it hangin'?"
"What the hell do you and your little friends think you're doing here!?"
"Uh...hanging out. It that a crime?" It is if you're not with a guardian or a parent.
"Anywhere else -- no. But here -- yes. See, around here, we're known as the "Danville Blood Bandits", and this, here, is our turf."
"Turf? You mean you like to surf too?"
"No, turf, as in, our property, doofus!" Phineas may have been street, but he wasn't street smart, and that's where it counts.
See, every town has its share of gangs, and every gang has a small part of town that they claim as their own. If one gang intrudes on another gang's turf, then the two engage in what is called a "duel", and that could mean anything. But in the end, the result is always the same: The losers are sent back to their own turf and are forced to give up one of their members. If you don't believe me, go buy Spiderman 3 for Xbox 360 and find out for yourself.
"Hey, man, we ain't hurtin' nobody!" Nobody but yourselves.
"Look, just get out of here before we're forced to pound your face."
"Oh please, brotha', you think I'm scared of you!? 'Cause I ain't, and neither are my possy! Right, possi? Possi?" He turned around to see all of his friends standing behind him, motionless, paralyzed from fear considering the size of their competition. "OK, seriously!? You're scared of thesebums!? Gosh, you people are the wimpiest, the scarediest, the dumbest group of kids I have ever seen in my life, man! I don't even know why you guys hang out with me!" Because their parents think it'll keep them out of the military.
Every one of his friends glared at him angrily, crossing their arms, and even going as far as taking off their leather jacket. "Dumb!?" Adyson shouted out.
"Wimpy!?" Buford called.
"Scared!?" Holly growled. "Dude, do you even know who we are?" You're not the Jonas Brothers. That's for sure.
"Yeah! You're all just a bunch of scaredy babies who can't take a punch! Well, fine! I can handle these bad boys all by myself, dawg! And then, you alls gonna feel real sorry." Yeah, sorry they didn't stay in bed today.
"Fine! See if we care!" Isabella shouted as they all decided to leave Phineas to deal with the "Blood Bandits". Everything after that was history...
While Phineas was finally getting a taste of his own medicine, Linda was finally able to get behind the wheel of a car.Linda was finally able to get on the road to renew her license. Unfortunately, she did not do very well. Since she was so used to Candace giving her a call during her day, she expected one from her now, completely forgetting that she was in military school. She had her cellphone on her the entire time, and was repeatedly told by the instructer to put it away.
"Miss, it's illegal to drive while on your cellphone. Please put youur cellphone away."
After about the 6th time, she snapped at him and told him to "Go jump in a ditch, you toad!! Can't you see I'm waiting for my daughter to call me to bust my two sons!?!?"" After that, it was all downhill from there.
In fact, she allowed her deeply buried paranois to take over, and as a result, ran 5 stop signs, 3 stop lights, almost ran over an 85-year old in a wheelchair, crashed into 2 fences, cursed at 17 police officers, and did 95 in a 20 mph school zone. As a result from that...
"What do you mean I failed!?" She screamed to the guy at the front desk. "There's no way! I did everything right!" In Texas, maybe.
"Everything right!? Miss, you ran 5 stop signs, 3 stop lights, nearly ran over an 85-year old, destroyed 2 fences, swore at 17 officers, and did 95 in a school zone."
"So!? I still should've passed from the written part!"
"Written part? OK, I didn't want to have to show you this, but--" He handed her her written test paper, and she horribly discovered that she had gotten almost every single question wrong. The only one she actually got right was "Put Name Here", and she even spelled her last name wrong. "Out of 100, you got...7."
"What!? Now wait a minute...I donated $5 to the Hope for Haiti telethon!" That's the equivalent to an Extra-Large coffee at Dunkin' Donuts. "Shouldn't I get extra credit for that!?" No.
"Yes." No! "I added that. Otherwise your grade would've been...3." The number of terms Mayor Bloomberg has.
Not even my father did that poorly when he tried to renew his license. At least he was able to get double digits...even if it was only a 12. "OK, fine, then I guess I'll just take the test again." Linda reached out to take another test paper.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the heck do you think you're doing!?" Cheating.
"Taking the test again!"
"You can't just reach out and take another test paper just like that! You have to fill out the registration form again, take another number, wait for your number to be called, where you will be administered the written test & driving test, and only then if you pass can you receive a new license."
"But...but...oh fine!" She took a registration form instead, along with a number, waiting for her number to be called.
"82!!" The guy at the desk shouted at the top of his lungs, enraging Linda even more. She looked at her number, and growled psychotically, as her number was revealed to be 285.
"285!?" Not even our water bills were that high. She marched back up to the front desk and yelled at the front guy. "You expect me to wait for another 203 people to go before I can have my turn!?"
"That's right. Either you wait it out or come back another day."
"But...my license expires today."
"Then you should've thought of that before you waited until the last minute. NEXT!!"
Linda was ready to pop his head like a zit, but unfortunately, he was right. Linda procrastinated renewing her license for some reason, and now because of it, she was unleashing her paranoia on him. As she walked back to her seat, sh ebegan to reflect on the times Candace flipped out like she did just now. Which was pretty much every day. She then also began to reflect on her past, where she and Lawrence would constantly get into fights because Linda was once a control had to be done her way or the highway. It was tormenting for everybody, and even her family feared her. But she cooled down after plenty of intense therapy. Unfortunately, Candace had picked up on her ways and that is why she now despises her brothers and their "stupid, dumb, and annoying" projects. So to sum it up, this is all Linda's fault.
Meanwhile, back with Dr. Doofenshmirtz, he and Pinky were still trapped in their giant bubble, struggling to get out. "Well, this is certainly...quite a setback..." Doofenshmirtz said to Pinky. "Now we're both trapped in my virtually unbreakable bubble, and we have no way of calling for help or anything. Oh, I fear we're going to be stuck in here for a long, long time. Oh boy, that's a real good story to tell my kids: I was stuck in a bubble with my "nemesis" for 3 days." It's better than being stuck with your ex-wife.
But as Doofenshmirtz's hope faded for a miracle, a miracle came. Perry the Platypus came in and managed to pop the giant bubble from the outside using a fence post (probably one that was broken off by Linda). As the doctor and Pinky fell to the ground, they both couldn't help but be excited. "Hooray, we are free! I cannot believe it, but we are free--" Dr. Doofenshmirtz turned around to celebrate when he saw his real nemesis standing there. "Perry the Platypus! Oh my goodness, youfreed us! Thank you, Perry the Platy--" Before he could finish thanking his nemesis, Perry jumped him and started giving him a beating. Pinky soon joined in and by the time they were done, Doofenshmirtz was bruised all over. After that, they decided to take their leave. "Curse you, Pinky the Chihuahua!! Oh, and you too, Perry the Platypus!" The doctor tried to stand up.
He dusted himself off and looked out his window as the two secret agents flew away. "Boy, for a semi-aquatic mammal and a jittery little pest, those two suure know how to do somebody in. I bet they'd be great in a karate dojo." As long as their onwers clean up after them.
While Linda was busy getting her license, and that old scientist guy was busy having a mid-life crisis, Phineas was busy sulking back at home. Phineas took a seat on the living room couch rejectedly, now back in his regular sumer clothes. Apparently, he had ditched his cool clothes. Isabella and Ferb were by his side. "It's OK, Phineas. You tried your best. I guess today your best wasn't good enough." Isabella tried to comfort him.
"Yeah, I gueess so. Still, it would've felt so good to beat that gang at Battleship." Wait a minute! WAIT! A! MINUTE! Pause! Did I hear that correctly!? Battleship!? All that buildup for one lousy game of battleship!? Jeez, the ghetto's certainly gone down hill since I was a kid! For the love of -- Battleship. I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life!
"Well, you know that old saying: You win some, you lose some."
"Yeah. Well, that's it. I am hanging up my leather jacket for good." I think you already did. "No way am I ever going back to the ghetto. I mean, that spells nothing but trouble." Tell that to Malvo.
"Well, if it means anything...you werekinda cute in your leather jacket. But I am glad to have the old Phineas back." SHe reached in a hugged her boyfriend, and kissed him on the cheek.
"I'm glad I'm back, too. It's hard to be one with the ghetto." For white people.
"You don't need to be "one with the ghetto" to be cool. Your life is fine just the way it is."
"It's not just fine. It's perfect." He then kissed her. "You know what, you're right. I don't need the ghetto!" At that moment there was some distant knocking on his door and his window. They walked to the front door and went outside, and saw everybody outside in leather jackets and leather pants. But apparently, the ghetto needs you.
:Phineas! Come back! Teach us all you know about black people!" One guy shouted.
"Yeah, dude! We're hopelessly clueless! My son is black, too!" The irony is, the father is white.
"We must aquire more knowledge of the ghetto!! You must teach us everything you know!!"
Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella stared out to the crowd in shock. They were wondering what the heck was going on. "Guys, guys! I'm not ghetto anymore! I'm done with the ghetto! I just want to go back to being regular old Phineas Flynn!"
"Yeah! So go home, you bozos!" I haven't seen an angry mob this cheery since the protests involving the Virginia Tech shooting.
"I learned a lot of stuff during my time in the ghetto. But I never, ever want to go back to that again."
"Well, what did you learn?" Yeah, what did you learn in your time mocking me?
"Well..."
Meanwhile, back at the driving Institute, Linda was forced to wait patiently for 203 people to go in front of her to get their driver's licenses. Though it was tough at first, she knew that if she wanted to drive home, she had to wait it out. So to pass the time, she decided to read a book, do crossword puzzles, stuff like that. It distracted her from all the waiting.
"116!!"
But as people kept going up, and as her number drew just a little bit closer, the overwhelming feeling of boredom began to consume her.
"139!!"
She felt likejust walking out the door at times and walking home unable to wait out any longer. The truth of the matter, though, was, it was actually only 2:00 in the afternoon. Yeah, 2 in the afternoon. Amazing, right? And the Institution didn't close until 10. There was still 8 hours for her to wait out her turn. With that in mind, she kept waiting there, reading her "Harry Potter" books.
"172!"
After she was done reading, Linda decided to close her eyes for a few minutes while other numbers passed her. Since her number was 285, she figured she wouldn't be called up for several hours. So she put her book away, crossed her arms, slid slightly down her chair, closed her eyes, and fell asleep. Her plan was to just sleep until her number was called. But...well, let's just say that plan went downhill. In otherwords, she shouldn't have stayed up until 3 in the morning last night watching "As the World Turns".
Several hours passed. By the time that Linda's number was called... "285!!" Linda was fast asleep, snoring in her chair, and drooling. "285!!!" Mr. Harper called again. This time, Linda opened her eyes halfway, but closed them again quickly. After that she went back to sleep and started snoring again. "LAST CALL FOR 285!!!!" I don't care if Professor Snape just killed Dumbledore! Last call means last call!
"And that, my friends, is what I learned during my time beign "one witht he ghetto." Phineas wrapped up his explaination to the people in his front yard. They listened very carefully for the couple of hours it took Phineas to recap his entire day as a street thug.
"Wow...that must've been really rough for you."
"Oh it was. I don't know how those guys do it. They have to act tough, talk tough, walk tough, and they have to beat up little girls." Since when do we do that!? "And the worst part of it was...I almost dragged all of my friends down that path, too. And that's a mistake I'm never making again." He leaned in towards Isabella and gave her a big hug, and was rewarded with "aww's" from everybody.
"Wow...who knew that the ghetto was dangerous?" Kim Cardashian.
"Come on everybody. Let's go trash our leather jackets and go back to being normal people." With that, everybody who had gathered at the front yard of Phineas's house took their leave to return to their lives. It was also at that moment that their father, Lawrence, pulled up in the driveway and entered the house to greet the kids.
"Hello, kids. How was your day?" He said as the three kids ran up to him and hugged him.
"It was OK, dad."
"What happened to your leather jacket?"
"I decided to hang it up for good. The ghetto is a dangerous place to live in, and us white guys are just not meant to be part of the ghetto."
"Where's your mother?"
"I don't know? She still hasn't come home from renewing her license yet."
"Oh well. It must be pretty busy there today. Now, what do you say we all go out for some pizza for dinner?"
"Pizza? Cool! What are we waiting for!?"
"I don't know! Let's go!" So the four of them walked outside back to Lawrence's car, where they strapped in, and took a drive over to the Danville Pizza Parlor. Along the way they passed by the Driving Institutiion, and they peaked inside the window. They were all surprised to see Linda still inside the waiting area, still fast aleep. By now, they were serving #333, way past Linda's number.
"Hey, that's mom!" Phineas shouted.
"Oh dear. She fell asleep again, and now she's probably missed her chance. Every year she falls asleep while waiting to be called. As a result, she has to wait until another avaliable time to renew her license."
"Wow. That must be frustrating to her." Nobody saw this, but while they had stopped their car to peer at Linda, Pinky and Perry managed to open the passenger doors of the car and sit by their respective owners. They made their speaking noises to show that they were there. Phineas and Isabella looked down and saw their pets, and spoke at the same time. "Oh, there you are Perry/Pinky."
After that, they continued driving towards the Pizza Parlor to enjoy some dinner. Meanwhile, a tall, slender African American man entered the Driving Institution, hoping to get his license renewed. "Excuse me, good sir?" He said poudly to the guy at the front desk. "I'd like to renew my liceense please. I'm in a bit of a rush, so could you...uh, make this quick?" The man handed Mr. Harper a $20 dollar bill, which he graciously took. Of course, he didn't take the bribe. Just the cash.
Mr. Harper simply stared at him for a moment, and then reached down into his desk and pulled out a poster, and stuck it on the counter in front of him. The sign had a piocture of Chris Rock and it read "Do Not Allow on Premesis". "Oh come on! So I accidentally ran over one of your employees!"
"That employee was my cousin, bub! Now get out before I call the cops!"
The man, knowing their was now ay he was getting his licesne, sulked and walked out the door, eyeing the snoring Linda for a moment, scoffing, and then walking out. After my experience in Danville, I learned two very important lessons: 1) The ghetto is constantly evolving. It's not like it used to be back in my day, 'cause now kids are getting into with it; and 2) Phineas Flynn does looks GOOD in leather pants.
Everybody Hates Chris!!
End of Episode 8!
Sorry it took so long for me to update this! I'ver been busy with my other stories and midterms. Hope you enjoy it! Oh, and let me know if you ever want me to do another Everyboddy Hates Chris-based episode. I just love doing them!
Next Time: Part 1 of a 2-part episode: Phineas and Ferb create a device that can stop time. But when Doofenshmirtz has the same idea, chaos and despair ensures.
Expected Update: Now that midterms are over, I might be able to update more quickly. So look for the next episode anytime after February 15th.