It has been a month since I last updated this and I'm sorry guys. You have no idea how hard this was for me to write. I couldn't half ass Matt's note. I tried and found that it didn't seem anywhere near as personal as it should have been. I had to get into the mindset of losing a significant other, and trust me, it wasn't fun. It took me four failed attempts to even decide how I wanted to start this. I deleted everything as I wrote it, and finally this came to me. So, I'm sorry it has taken so long.

I've also been getting myself for November, in which two conventions are going on basically back to back. There's a two week separation in between them and that's it. Plus, getting the things for my new cosplays has been ridiculous. Money is a hard thing to come by, even when you have a job. It sucks.

Okay, so I don't confuse anymore. Italics are Matt's note. Non italic writing is Mello while reading the note. Got it? Good.

I suggest you listen to the song as you read this chapter, it fits completely, though it isn't necessary.

Enjoy!

"When we're together, I feel perfect.
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart.
All you say is sacred to me.
Your eyes are so blue,
I can't look away."

- You, Evanescence.


Mello,

His eyes ghosted over the papers laying lazily against his knees, afraid to read farther than his name. Mello knew that he wasn't stable enough to read what Matt had taken the time to write, but he also knew that if he didn't, he would be wondering what it was about as the wrinkled papers burned a hole in his pocket. It was a win-lose situation for the blond, but that didn't matter as he sat leaning against the wall of the secluded bathroom and trying to calm himself down. He wasn't going to class as it was, so what harm would it do to read the letter?

I love you.

No, wait, scratch that. I don't want to start off that way, because odds are you probably don't care. I mean, hell, I wouldn't care either if I could be arm candy for Light.

Then how do I start this, Mello?

My mind is swimming with things I have to say, but I can't do it. It's hard to trust someone when they've completely fucked up and took you for granted.

But, hey, Mello…

Did you enjoy the sex? Did you enjoy the whispered frailties? The affection; the attention; the kisses; the simple acts of cuddling under the stars. Did you enjoy the way your name left my mouth during our most passionate moments? Did you enjoy it? The way I made you feel that night we were found.

Mello nodded his answer silently, hoping that somewhere Matt knew he was responding to him. He had enjoyed it - the sex, the words, everything. He had even enjoyed the things that his gamer had forgotten to list.

I did, Mello, and I thank you for giving a piece of you to me, especially that part. At least that's one thing Light doesn't have of yours. It makes me almost smile thinking about how frustrated he'll be when he realizes that you've already been taken - really, think about; can't you hear him freaking out over it when you tell him, "oh, Matt beat you to it."? If it weren't for the fact that I'm writing this in class, Mello, I would have laughed at that image… because it's funny, really.

Mello softly smiled, clearly hearing Matt's soft spoken voice mocking Light in a moment that should be victorious. He could have laughed at the mental Matt had given him, but he pushed it to the back of his mind, opting to not think about him and Light in such an intimate setting. Those moments were reserved for the red head only, and if he had to go behind Light to get a piece of heaven, then he would. He wouldn't give any part of himself to the Yagami student, at least not without a fight.

But, yeah. I'm starting to stray from my original point.

Did you enjoy me, Mello? I hope you did, even if I wasn't all that good. I'm sorry for that too, by the way. I was, as I'm sure you've noticed, a virgin until we met. So, did you like it? Are you happy with my gift?

"You're sorry? Matt, that's ridiculous!" Mello exclaimed to no one, drawing his knees up closer to his chest. "You were amazing..."

I should stop with the questions now. I'm not going to get any answers, so there's no point in asking you anything. But am I really asking you these things? I mean, this letter - note? - doesn't constitute for actually asking you anything. I'm not doing the speaking, unless you can hear my voice when you read this… which would be kind of weird.

Enough of my rambling…

You know, the day I met you I thought I'd found an angel. Silly, I know. I thought that for once my life was beginning to look up, and it was your fault. It was because you spotted me amongst the crowd; nobody else paid attention to the secluded boy playing video games against the wall in the artist alley. But you did, Mello. And when I realized that you had seen me, I felt like everything would okay.

And that's why I disappeared. I was afraid that the moment things began to get better it would all be torn out from under me. (I guess I had a reason to be scared, eh, Mello?) I watched as you turned around to look for me, your eyes were wide and bright. Were you curious, Mello? Curious of the boy that paid no mind to his surroundings and instead focused on a handheld gaming platform. I'd be curious too, and to be honest, I was.

The corners of his lips twitched, and he found himself remembering the moment he saw the blur of black and white disappearing from his sight. He didn't want to get up from the chair he had gotten comfortable in, but his curiosity had gotten the better of him and he decided to search for the mysterious person. Mello found Matt leaning nonchalantly against the wall in a nook beside an exit. He was staring at his hands with mild interest, and he looked so intriguing. Mello had been nervous about approaching him, but if asked if he was, he would blatantly deny it and claim that he just didn't want to scare Matt off with how straight forward he was. Regardless, the blond remembered the first time he saw Matt and he could still recall the things that swam through his head as he waltzed toward the recluse of a boy. The first moment he laid his eyes on Matt would forever be etched in his mind as one of his fondest memories, located somewhere behind their first sexual encounter and to the left of the time Matt confessed his love for him.

Why did you notice me? And why were you so caught up in trying to find me after I had deliberately evacuated the area? There you were, standing in the center of the hall and searching for me, a boy you'd never seen or met in your life, with two ear buds in your ears and a look of utter confusion on your beautiful face. I smiled when you finally spotted me leaving the alley, and that smile became much bigger when I looked up and saw that you were walking towards me. I played it cool though and took to staring at my game, even though I had paused it the moment you rounded the corner.

God, you have no idea how good you looked in that instant, Mello. I knew you were nervous when you walked up to me, your eyes gave that away. I could tell from a few feet of distance that you weren't entirely sure how you were going to talk to me, but I get that a lot. It's always been something about me, I guess. Am I intimidating? I don't think I am.

Still, you made your way over to me and the moment you opened your mouth and stuttered your sloppy greeting, I could see myself falling for you. Your voice sent a shiver up my spine, but I don't think you noticed that, thank god. Oh, and Mello, I know that I came off as a little rude and I'm sorry for that. I can't help it though, that's just how I am when it comes to people I don't know.

Y'know how I am, right? Right.

Anyways, the small talk wasn't important, however the prompt that you gave me in order to ease my boredom was. I used to think that you were only using me to relieve yourself of convention boredom (because trust me, I know how that goes when it starts to get late and you have nothing to do), but then I finally realized that that wasn't the case as you pushed me more about making out with you - my mind tried to me convince that you wanted it just as much as I did, even if I was a bit hesitant.

And then, as you proclaimed that you thought I was 'hot' and placed your lips on mine, I knew we were be more than just some little convention fling. I felt the sparks as our lips met, and the sensation that sped up my spine that inevitably turned to me. Did you feel it too, Mello? You had to have. It was there. It was obvious, and if the fan girls were any indication to our chemistry, well… y'know where I'm going with this.

With a trembling hand, Mello lightly brushed his fingers across his lips. He could still taste Matt from the last time they were together, even though Light had tried to taint that taste with his own. Mello blinked, willing the tears that had begun to fill the bottom of his eyes back. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. He wanted to save the tears for the end, when he knew that they would be expected to stain the wrinkled paper. If he knew the red head at all, Matt would leave the end to be touching, raw and honest. Mello had to prepare himself for what he knew was at the end of this note, wherever that end was.

Your hands were on me and mine were you on and we were lost in a sea of lust that neither of us could contain. And then it was over as soon as it started, of course this was after I heard the sound of a several cameras snapping and a girl squealing over having taped our little session. I still haven't looked for that on youtube, Mello. I think I should, just for old times sake. It'll hurt, I know, but it was one of the better times in my life.

Leave it to Matt to think of searching for their make out session online. Mello chuckled lightly at the idea of the gamer sitting in front of his computer and typing in 'hot boys making out at convention'. Would that video even be posted?

Hey, I have a question.

If you knew what things were like for you back at home then why did you let yourself get so engrossed in our little weekend romance? I would have totally pushed me away if I had an egotistical bastard back home swearing that I was his property. That would have saved us a lot of trouble, Mello. We wouldn't be in this predicament had you remembered that Light was waiting for you back home. None of this would be happening, Mello!

I wouldn't spend the majority of my night staring at the ceiling with 'what if' scenarios running through my head. I wouldn't find my pillows wet in the morning as I woke up, knowing that I'd spent the night crying over what we had. I wouldn't feel the need to puke every time I see you and Light in the hall together, or hear about what a 'wonderful couple' you guys make.

"Oh, Matt," he whispered.

Wait. I thought Light was straight. Isn't he straight?

I'm running out of lines to write on, Mello. I've exhausted the blank space given to me, and I'm heading onto page three now. I didn't think I had this much to say to you after everything, but boy, I guess I was wrong. And it's only going to get worse from this point on, Mello, so if you're still reading this… I would stop. I am already having enough trouble trying to convince myself to keep going, knowing that once I get everything off my shoulders I won't feel as bad. Or will I?

I've never gone through this before…

What's it like kissing him, Mello? Do his lips feel the same? Do the butterflies flutter in your stomach when he leans in and steals a silent promise from you? I know they did when we kissed.

Do his hands feel the same as mine as they caress your body, Mello? Are they soft? They look like they would be.

Y'know, the more I think about the idea of the two of you being an item, the more I start to believe that you never were mine. At least, it was nice to think that you were mine until school started back up. But, if you look at the big picture, you never were mine. You always belonged to Light or to your parents righteous ideals.

Sighing heavily, he ran a hand through his hair. His fingers lightly padded his scalp as he dropped his other hand to the floor, curling his digits into the palm. The discarded first two pages of Matt's note brushed against his knuckles as he fought to make himself smaller and less noticeable. Mello closed his eyes, mentally scolding himself for giving up on the only person that was consistent in his life. The only person that made him feel needed and loved.

And, the red head had been right, he knew. He never belonged to Matt because Light was looming in the background like the boogie man awaiting the wrong doings of a child.

"Matt," he murmured, "it doesn't have to be like this."

When I walked into the lunch room and saw you guys together a thought ran through my mind, and as much as I hate to think that you were lying in using your mom as an excuse to break up with me, I can't help but wonder.

If she hates the prospect of you being with another male, then why are you with Light? Isn't she against the idea of homosexuality and everything that comes with it? One would think that you would have jumped onto the straight bandwagon instead of throwing yourself at Light Yagami. You must really hate yourself if you're willing to give up happiness for that. But that isn't my problem… it's yours now, and yours alone.

Well, I'm starting to run onto the back of the third page now and there's only fifteen minutes left in class, so I better say what I wanted to say in the first place. I just hope it doesn't end with you wanting to completely avoid me, though that would seem like the better option when it comes to the healing process.

Only…

I don't think I'll ever get over it…

A lump formed in the back of his throat and he wound his arms around his knees, one hand tightly clutching his pants and the other curling into the single sheet of paper in front of him. The tears that he had pushed away resurfaced and were quietly waiting to stain Mello's face. He knew he wasn't going to be able to hold himself up any longer - he could no longer stay strong.

Pulling his eyes away from the grey letters that had begun to mix together, he stared off into the space in attempt to recollect himself and clear his vision.

I love you, Mello. I love you more than anything else in the world - more than you know; hell, more than I probably know.

You mean the world to me, and if I have to give you up to Light in order for you to find happiness (or false happiness), then I will. I only want the best for you, and that obviously isn't me. I'm sure he'll treat you well, if you let him.

And, Mello. I'm sorry I couldn't be your everything, but I want you to know that you were mine. You still are. Mello, you mean the world to me and that'll never change, even when we've both gone our separate ways and no longer remember anything about each other - you'll still be the person I think about when I fall asleep at night and the person I think about the moment I wake up.

Just… I can't, wow. I think I'm going to cry here, Mello. I don't think that'd be a wise idea in class. I'd get weird looks and you would worry… and that would only get you in trouble with Light.

A single tear hit the the paper, and it was then that Mello realized Matt had been crying while writing. He had been silently suffering beside him. His blurry eyesight caught random spots of darker paper, where words were slightly distorted and off. Matt had cried, despite his saying he didn't want to because of the surroundings and situations at hand. The proof was stained on the paper, beside the fresh wet spots that Mello was currently dampening the last page with. Matt had cried because of him.

So, hey. It's alright if you want to forget about me. I understand completely. I'll go back to being a fly on the wall and I'll remove myself from your group of friends that you never actually hang out with. It'll be like we never happened; like I never existed.

I've been told over the last couple days that I don't understand what love is, Mello, that I'm too young to fully grasp that idea. Well, y'know, they can all kiss my ass, because I do get it. And, Mello. The way I see it is…

True love only happens once in a lifetime, and even then most people don't ever get the opportunity to experience it… but, I believe I'm one of the lucky ones that has been given the chance to experience it at such an early age in my life.

I love you, Mello. I truly do, with everything I am… and I don't think any amount of words can reiterate it anymore than I already have.

So, later, Mello. It's been fun. I hope you've enjoyed yourself too.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Matt.

P.S - I have an idea to win you back, Mello. And the moment I see your relationship with Light turning to shit, I'm going to fight for you. I'll never give up.

"I'm sorry," the blond choked, holding back a sob that was beginning to hurt his chest. "I never meant for it to turn out this way."

Mello dropped his head down to his knees, the final piece of paper sliding off his lap as he hugged his knees to his body. He screwed his eyes shut as he cried, loudly voicing his opinion on the matter to the empty bathroom.

If there are any typos please inform me. It is 4am, I'm exhausted and my foot has gone to sleep. Shit, my entire right leg has. 3:

And on another note, this is more personal to me that you would think. Matt's 'true love only happens once...' paragraph was actually said to me when I was sixteen by a boy that I had given my all to. It's extremely personal, and it fit Matt's mood for this perfectly. I based his note around that one paragraph, because really... a piece of writing is far better with something personal to the author/authoress than just winging it. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Read and review please.

next chapter - light and mello take a turn for the worse. and oh, who is that? a new person? score!