much thanks to all readers and reviewers! i can't get enough of you guys.
disclaimer: Lavender and The 8th are mine...and the butter knife incident that Lavender refers to actually happened. :)
…In the woods…
The 8th: What happened back there?
Lavender: (in an offhanded way) Oh…he made fun of me, so I kicked him in the shin.
The 8th: (stares at Lavender with an open mouth)
Lavender: (looks at The 8th) Something wrong?
The 8th: You actually kicked him? I thought…wait, why don't you kick Legolas when he makes fun of you?
Lavender: Do you want me to start doing that?
The 8th: (hurriedly) No.
Lavender: Okay then.
The 8th: (thinks) You know…we haven't really been held in high esteem with the Company…
Lavender: So?
The 8th: Well…I've been thinking…what if we do something to make them respect us?
Lavender: (snorts in disbelief) Like what?
The 8th: I don't know about you, but I have the sudden urge to kill some Orcs.
Lavender: Ooh! Count me in. But, The 8th…we don't have swords…
The 8th: (is crestfallen) Darn it…I absolutely hate technicalities…
Lavender: (stops walking) Hold up… (rummages through packs) There's got to be something we can use…
The 8th: (mumbles) Yeah…instead of beheading them all, we can hang them with that rope instead…
Lavender: Actually, The 8th, I have a better idea… (holds up two shiny, silver utensils in the air) What about butter knives?
The 8th: Butter knives.
Lavender: Yeah.
The 8th: BUTTER KNIVES??????
Lavender: Well…they are pretty useful…did I ever tell you about that one time when I attacked this guy at school an—
The 8th: (covers Lavender's mouth with her hand) All right, all right…I get your point…
Lavender: (brightly) So we're gonna go whoop some Orc butt?
The 8th: Heck yeah!
Together: (run deeper into forest)
…Meanwhile…
Aragorn: (calls out without looking over his shoulder) What about you, Boromir. Did you wanna play Go Fish with us? (looks around) Boromir? Hey guys…Boromir's gone!
Pippin: (organizes his hand of cards) (shrugs) His loss.
Legolas: Let's play. You go first, Gimli.
Gimli: Okay…Aragorn, do you have any sixes?
Aragorn: (looks at cards in hand) Drat! (gives three sixes to Gimli)
Gimli: (grins) Thank you very much, my friend.
Aragorn: (pouts) No problem…
…In the woods…
Lavender: (spots a large camp of Orcs) (whispers) The 8th! I spot a large camp of Orcs!
The 8th: (whispers) Excellent.
Lavender: (whispers) What should be our plan of action?
The 8th: (continues to whisper) Hmmm…what about the ancient "pounce-on-them-even-though-you-have-absolutely-no-idea-what-you're-doing-in-the-first-place-and-wave-your-arms-around-like-an-idiot-hoping-that-you-hit-something-with-the-butter-knife" approach?
Lavender: (obviously continues to whisper) Sounds good to me.
Together: (shake hands) (whisper in unison) Good luck.
…And so, Lavender and The 8th take their first shot at the ancient ritual of warfare…
Together: (run screaming out of the woods into the camp, waving their arms over their heads like idiots)
Orcs: (stare in silence at the two floating butter knives now in the very middle of the encampment)
Lavender: (breathes deeply) I…don't think I got anyone…did you?
The 8th: (examines butter knife critically) Nope, I didn't.
Orc #253: (stares wide-eyed at the knives and voices coming from those knives) What the…
Orc Leader: What are we waiting for? CHARGE!!!!!!!!
Lavender: Oh shnap… (runs)
The 8th: Yup, that's one of the best ideas you've ever come up with, Lavender. (sprints after Lavender)
Orcs: (charge, screaming after the still-floating butter knives)
…However…
The 8th: Lavender!!!!! We're leading them straight to the Company!!!!
Lavender: (gasp) Oh no!!!
Together: (veer off the trail they had been following)
Lavender: Crap! The stupid things didn't follow us!!!
…Back by the river…
Aragorn: (looks around) Do you…hear that?
Merry: Hear what?
Legolas: (listens for a second) (swears) There are Orcs coming!
…A few moments later…
Orcs: (charge at the Company)
Orc Leader: (thinks) Oh, now I remember what we were supposed to do here… (yells) Seize the Halflings!
Orcs: (attempt to carry out command)
…Ugh! (covers eyes of reader) Don't look…it gets pretty depressing here…anyways, here's what happens: Frodo—who of course, was previously wrestling with Boromir for the Ring—makes his escape in a boat with Sam—who miraculously escapes the onslaught of Orcs—in tow. Boromir is mortally wounded defending Merry and Pippin from the Orcs, and lies with his back against a tree. The Orcs have taken Merry and Pippin away, and Lavender and The 8th, white-faced and shaking, emerge from their hiding place among the trees…
Lavender: Oh…my…Lord… (takes a deep breath to steady herself) That has to be one of the scariest things I've ever witnessed in my life.
The 8th: (sniff) Why'd they have to go and take Merry and Pippin away?
Lavender: (sigh) I know what you mean… (looks around) I feel all sad and forlorn inside…
The 8th: (gasp) You?? Sad and forlorn??
Lavender: That's not funny.
The 8th: (mumbles) Sorry.
Lavender: (wipes at not-so-dry eyes) (sniff) I hope Frodo and Sam got out okay.
The 8th: I know…wouldn't that suck if they didn't make it to Mor—
Boromir: (coughs feebly)
Lavender: (looks at Boromir, propped up against a nearby tree) Holy crap! You're alive!!!
Lavender & The 8th: (run over to him)
…At that moment…
Legolas: (runs into clearing) (yells over shoulder) I've found them!!! (walks over to Lavender and The 8th, who are anxiously peering into Boromir's pale face) Girls, have you seen the Hobb—
Boromir: (coughs again)
Legolas: (looks at Boromir) Good God! You're alive!!!
Aragorn & Gimli: (come crashing into the clearing fast enough to rival a cheetah)
A Cheetah: (randomly runs into the clearing) (realizes he's in second place) DRAT! (disappears)
Aragorn: (comes running up to the group at the foot of the tree) Back up people…give the guy some room…
Everyone Else: (backs up)
Boromir: (in a barely audible voice) Aragorn…I…tried to take the Ring from Frodo…that's what made him flee… (coughs) The Orcs…they…took Merry and Pippin away…I tried my best to stop them…
The 8th: (sobs)
Aragorn: It's okay, Boromir…I thank you for telling me the truth.
Boromir: (whispers) Go to Minas Tirith, Aragorn…defend my people…I have failed…
Aragorn: (sobs) No, you haven't failed…
Lavender: (expertly stifles a small sob)
Legolas: (hears Lavender) (turns to look at her in shock)
Boromir: (to put it quite bluntly: dies)
Everyone Else: (cries, some less willingly than others…)
Aragorn: (kisses Boromir's face for a rather extended period of time)
…(gag) (gag) (throws up)…
Everyone Else: (stares at the proceedings in shock and disgust)
Lavender: (mutters) Excuse me while I go throw up my breakfast… (walks into the woods)
Aragorn: (finally decides to remove his lips from the face of a dead guy) (stands up) (looks around at his companions, who are still staring at him like he's either mentally retarded or gay)
(realizes just why everyone was staring at him) (cough) You did not just see that…
Legolas: (to The 8th) See what?
The 8th: (shrugs) I dunno…
Lavender: (returns) (to Aragorn) I see you're finally finished… (to Legolas) Do you have any idea how the Lady Arwen would react if word of this incident reached her little pointed ears?
Aragorn: (stares wide-eyed at Lavender, with his mouth slightly agape)
Legolas: (grins) No, I don't believe I do. I suggest we find out.
Aragorn: NO!!!!!! You ca-an't!
Lavender: Ooh…Legolas, I sense an ample opportunity for blackmail!
Legolas: (grins) You know what, Lavender? I do too.
Aragorn: (stares in horror at the pair of them)
Gimli: This all seems rather familiar…
…Well duh (smacks Gimli upside the head) (returns to that magical place where all narrators come from)…
Gimli: OW!!!!!!! WHY YOU LITTLE… (looks at the sky and brandishes axe)
The 8th: (looks from a pale-faced Aragorn to Legolas and Lavender, who are still grinning maliciously) (to Legolas and Lavender) You two are the most devious people I have ever met.
…BWAHAHAHAHA…
Lavender: (looks around) What the…
The 8th: (continues) Heck, I don't even know why I happen to like you, Le— (realizes she's speaking aloud) (blushes) I mean…I don't even know why I happen to be friends with you, Lavender…we're so different.
Lavender: (shrugs) "Opposites attract", I guess.
Legolas: (silently stores a certain juicy tidbit of information in his head for later)
Aragorn: (recovers somewhat from his stupor of horror) (nudges Boromir's body with his foot) Instead of burying him, since we don't have much time, we should send him downriver in a boat…we won't need the boats anymore, anyways.
Gimli: That's a pretty good idea, Aragorn. Whatever possessed you to think of it?
Aragorn: (narrows eyes) It's not very nice to make fun of a guy who's just had a heart attack, you know.
Gimli: I know. I just choose not to pay attention to that particular fact.
Aragorn: (scowls)
Legolas: (smoothly steps into the midst of their argument, which is obviously rapidly approaching the use of weapons) Why don't we send him on his way, so we can go on our way?
…About ten minutes later…
Everyone: (looks at the river and the rapidly shrinking boat being carried by the current making straight for a rather large waterfall)
Awesome Elvish Boat #2: (goes over falls)
Aragorn: (sigh) So ends Boromir of Gondor.
Gimli: (to Lavender and The 8th) I still can't believe you led all of those Orcs straight to us…I thought you two were smarter than that.
The 8th: (blushes) Well, we didn't realize what we were doing until we were pretty close to where you were. We tried running in a different direction, but the stupid things didn't follow us…they had too much momentum, I guess.
Legolas: (drapes a friendly arm over The 8th's shoulders) Don't worry about it.
The 8th: (nearly faints)
Aragorn: (suddenly) Why'd you have to go and get him killed?
Lavender: Who, Boromir?
Aragorn: (nods)
Lavender: (shrugs) (in an offhanded sort of way) Oh, well, I never really liked him anyway.
Everyone Else: (stares at Lavender in shock)
Legolas: (starts cracking up)