Author's note: just because it's Monday, I thought I'd post an extra chapter for you all, a bit more drama with a tiny bit of fluff mixed in for good measure!
Chapter Ten: Different Pages
Quinn didn't go back to class that afternoon. She'd said goodbye to Rachel and insisted that she was fine, but she wasn't fooling either of them. Inside, Quinn was in turmoil. A part of her, a huge part, was so excited at the possibility of seeing Beth again. Not a day ever passed when she didn't wonder about her little girl and the person she was becoming. What did she like to do? What did her laugh sound like? Was she brave and impulsive, or shy and sensitive? Quinn was desperate to know.
She knew that for Beth, Shelby was her mommy, and she'd come a long way since the scared, angry, selfish girl she'd been at the start of her senior year of high school - she didn't want to do anything that might hurt her daughter, and another part of her was terrified at the thought of screwing up what could be her last chance for any kind of relationship with her child.
Quinn wandered the streets of Manhattan, not really paying attention to where she was going, or how long she'd been walking. Eventually, the sky started to darken and a light snow started to fall, turning to slush on the sidewalks during the early evening rush hour. Quinn kept her hands in her pockets, keeping a tight grip on the photograph of Beth, despite the cold starting to numb her fingers.
By the time she finally arrived home, she was shivering from the cold, and she fumbled with the keys as she let herself into the apartment. She'd been expecting Santana to be home but the apartment was dark. Quinn fished her cell phone out of her purse and realized she had left it switched to silent after her morning classes. She had three missed calls and two voicemails from Santana.
She hit the voicemail button and Santana's cheerful voice sounded.
"Hey sweetie, how was class today? Were you smart? I'll call you later, just wanted to check in. Love ya."
There was a beep and then the second message started.
"Hey, Q, where are you? Hit me back, 'kay? I'm going to head out for a bite with Dani and Mike after work so I'll be home late. Study hard, baby. I love you."
Quinn put her phone down on the kitchen counter and kicked off her wet boots, suddenly feeling exceptionally weary. She felt unreasonably irritated with Santana. Now that she'd come to terms with what Rachel had told her, she wanted to share it with the most important person in her life, and instead of being at home waiting for her, Santana was out with her friends. She felt even more annoyed with herself, because Santana had no way of knowing today was anything out of the ordinary, and her girlfriend deserved to go out and have fun, but Quinn couldn't snap herself out of her bad mood.
She took a long hot shower and put on her warmest flannel pajamas but she still felt chilled so she climbed into bed and tried to read. She must've fallen asleep because the next thing she knew keys were turning in the multitude of locks on the front door, and Santana stumbled over Quinn's discarded boots as she entered the apartment. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and her dark hair glittered with melting snowflakes. She smiled affectionately at her sleepy girlfriend.
"Did I wake you?" she asked apologetically, skipping over to the bed to kiss Quinn hello.
"You're cold," Quinn said grouchily.
"Sorry," Santana said with a chuckle. She put her icy hands over Quinn's cheeks and Quinn squealed.
"Cut it out, San, I'm not in the mood," she said, shaking her off. Santana studied her with an odd expression in her dark eyes for a few moments then shrugged it off.
"Why are you in bed so early anyway?" Santana asked curiously as she started to undress, tossing her clothes into a heap on the floor.
"I'm tired," Quinn said honestly, "and it's not early, it's after ten." She sighed. "Do you have to leave your clothes all over the floor?" Santana raised an eyebrow.
"Says the girl who left her boots in the doorway for me to trip over," she retorted, her tone light but her eyes narrowing angrily.
"Whatever." Quinn wriggled under the comforter, trying to get warm. "I'm not going to fight with you." She closed her eyes and tried to rein in her emotions. Santana continued her nighttime routine obliviously while Quinn's stomach churned uncomfortably. She wanted to share her news with her girlfriend but somehow she couldn't find the words.
Lying on her side, facing the window, Quinn heard the bathroom door close and the shower running. Santana was in the bathroom a long time and Quinn started to feel guilty, wondering if Santana was hiding out in the bathroom to avoid her bad mood.
Eventually, she heard the bathroom door open and Santana climbed into bed beside her.
"Your feet are cold," Quinn commented, and Santana shifted away from her slightly.
"Sorry," she replied shortly. Quinn sighed. Santana was mad at her.
"No, I'm sorry," she said, rolling over to face Santana. She gave her a small smile as a peace offering. "Did you have a nice time with the guys?"
"Mike had to work a double," Santana said with a shrug, "so it was just me and Dani. It was fun though."
"Good," Quinn said, twirling a strand of Santana's hair around her index finger. "I'm glad you had a good time."
"Did you and Rachel have a good time at lunch?" Santana asked, stifling a yawn.
"It was good to see her," Quinn said, trying to think of the right words. "San..."
"Did I tell you that Dani and I sang Here Comes the Sun at work today?" Santana broke in, grinning at the memory. "It was so much fun. Dani's great on guitar and our voices blend really well."
"Sounds great," Quinn agreed as Santana yawned again. "So, Rachel had some interesting news today."
Santana groaned. "Q, can we talk about Rachel tomorrow? I'm really tired."
"Sure," Quinn said quietly. "Tomorrow."
"Can you turn the light off, baby?" Santana asked, spooning against Quinn's back. Quinn obliged, plunging the room into darkness. "Love you," Santana murmured sleepily.
"I love you too," replied Quinn, trying to relax into Santana's embrace and wondering why she suddenly felt so alone.
Both girls awoke unaccountably irritable the next morning so they got ready for school in silence, only passing occasional pleasantries. Quinn had a shift in the library after class, so she arrived home cold and hungry.
In contrast to the previous night, the lights were on in the apartment and Santana was home, frowning at a pan on the stove.
"Hey," she greeted brightly. "I made dinner, look." She beamed as Quinn looked dubiously into the pan.
"Is pasta supposed to be that color?" she teased, kissing Santana hello as she shrugged off her coat.
"It's a peace offering for last night," Santana explained, trying to swat Quinn with a wooden spoon. "I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to stay out late."
Quinn was bemused.
"Is that why you think I was upset?" she asked in surprise. Santana plated up two servings of her pasta concoction and the girls curled up on the couch to eat.
"Isn't it?" Santana asked, wrinkling her nose in confusion.
"No, not at all," Quinn insisted. "San, you work hard, and you deserve to blow off steam with your friends. I'm glad you had a good time, really."
"So, why were you in a bad mood last night?"Santana demanded. Quinn sighed.
"I wasn't in a bad mood," she insisted. "It was a weird day, that's all. I wanted to tell you about it when you got home."
"So, tell me now," Santana suggested. Quinn got up from the couch and padded over to her nightstand. She took out the photo of Beth and handed it to Santana. Santana didn't need to ask who it was in the picture. She marvelled at the tiny blonde girl who was the image of her mother. "Rachel gave you this?" she asked, and Quinn nodded.
"Shelby wants to see me," she explained. "She might let me see Beth." Santana beamed, then inexplicably her face fell.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" Quinn asked, feeling like she'd just been plunged into icy water.
Santana put down her dinner, then took Quinn's plate from her and set it on the end table, grasping Quinn's hands tightly in hers.
"Q, I don't want you to get hurt," she admitted cautiously. "I sleep next to you every night, and I slept with you all summer. I know about the nightmares. You call out for her in your sleep all the time. You can't even talk about her. Maybe you should leave it alone?"
Quinn felt like she was going to throw up and her eyes filled with tears.
"I can't," she whispered. "If there's any chance I could be a part of her life I need to take it, can't you understand that?" Her voice broke, and the tears spilled down her cheeks.
"I do understand," Santana said softly. "But you're the most important person in the world to me and all I want to do is protect you."
"I'm a big girl, San," Quinn sniffed. "You need to let me make my own choices. I don't need you to protect me, I need you to support me."
Santana was silent while she digested Quinn's words, then she nodded slowly.
"Okay, I support you," she agreed finally. "If this is what you really want, I'm here for you."
Quinn smiled but she still felt churned up inside. She hadn't expected Santana to have reservations and she couldn't get it out of her mind. Santana didn't think she was strong enough to handle this and it hurt.
For the rest of the evening, the girls were on edge with each other, choosing their words carefully, and being overly polite. Not until they were in bed did the atmosphere begin to thaw. Santana reached for Quinn and she relaxed gratefully into the embrace.
"I want us to be okay," Santana whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
"We are," Quinn promised her. "I do understand your point of view, San, honestly... But she's my daughter."
"She's beautiful," Santana mused. "Just like her mother." She kissed Quinn in the darkness, igniting passion between them as her hands explored under the barrier of Quinn's pajamas. Quinn lost herself in the moment, allowing Santana to undress her before moulding their bodies together and pouring all her pent up emotions into their love making.
By the time they collapsed in a sweaty heap, both girls were panting and exhausted, but their disagreement was forgotten. Quinn wrapped her body around Santana's and revelled in the loose, detached feeling in her previously tense muscles. She closed her eyes and listened to Santana's breathing even out and deepen, until she knew that her girlfriend was asleep. For a moment she considered whether Santana's fears were completely groundless. Was she strong enough to handle seeing Beth? A year ago she might have said no, but she wasn't the same girl she'd been in high school. A new worry came to the forefront of her mind. Did Santana think she still was that girl? Is that how Santana really saw her? Quinn believed that Santana loved her, but she couldn't help but wonder if Santana really knew her as well as she thought she did. Or was it that Santana knew her too well, and Quinn was kidding herself. Stifling a groan, Quinn closed her eyes and willed her over active mind to relax and let her get some sleep.