The streets were bare and the world seemed quiet as Red drove Gloria, Julio, and Benny away from the hospital. The sun was beginning to rise and Red shielded her eyes with her hand. They had been in the hospital all night, sitting in uncomfortable chairs and pacing the halls as they waited for the devastating news that would wreck them. Lourdes had immediately been prepped for surgery upon the ambulance's arrival, but the lead surgeon had made sure Gloria knew going into it that there was very little hope. When Red, Julio, and Benny had arrived, Gloria was barely even able to coherently reiterate what the doctor had said to her. She had just kept silently praying that her aunt would come out of this okay, despite the bad prognosis.
Red's hands gripped the steering wheel in the car tightly and she turned the car onto her own street. She didn't think walking into the home they had shared with Lourdes was the best thing for them right now. Biting her lip, she glanced over at Gloria in the passenger seat. Gloria was angled towards the door and resting her head against the window. She was quiet now. She had temporarily cried herself out while they'd waited in the hospital. Though not unexpected, it had been a terrible thing when the surgeon had finally returned and told them that the operation had been unsuccessful. Lourdes was brain dead and on life support. There had been nothing more they could do for her, but the family could take as much time as they needed to say goodbye.
"But she was just at a picnic!" Gloria had told the surgeon desperately, as though that would make a difference, "I was just talking to her and she was fine!"
There had been no way to console her and Red had noticed how utterly petrified the boys had looked as they'd watched on. Feeling completely helpless, Red had walked Gloria to Lourdes room and then gone back to sit in the waiting room. She had hated how frightened the boys had looked while their mother had cried and thought a bit of distance would be the best thing for them right now. Benny had been curled up in his chair with his mother's purse being used as a pillow. Julio had been resting with his head in his hand while he stared at the ground. There were both still as statues. Unsure of what to do, Red had offered them both a bottle of water from her purse but was not surprised when they declined.
"You can go see her next," Red had told them softly, "say goodbye…"
"She's not even there though," Julio had responded quietly, "if she's brain dead then she's not even in her body anymore."
"She's not in pain," Red had replied. She brought her hand up to pat Julio's cheek, "and I think she can still hear you. Her spirit knows…"
She had hated the way that came out. She didn't know what to say in situations like this. Death was uncomfortable and waiting for someone to die was perhaps even worse. There was just nothing Red could do to fix things or make them feel better, and she hated being powerless. Their grief distressed Red and made her tempted to flee this place, but her love kept her rooted to her spot. She needed to be there for them.
Gloria hadn't come back to the waiting room. By the time they had hit the one-hour mark, Red was growing increasingly worried. She wanted to check on her but she didn't want to leave the boys alone to go do so. She had quietly suggested they all go to Lourdes' room to join their mother, but neither boy had been inclined to agree.
"I don't think I want to see her like that," Julio admitted softly. He didn't think he would ever forget the way Lourdes had shot out of her seat at the picnic before crumpling to the ground clutching her heart. He didn't think he could bear to see her hooked up to all those beeping machines.
"You don't have to," Red had immediately replied, "we'll stay in here."
She'd chewed nervously on a fingernail and shifted in her seat a bit. She took her cellphone out of her purse and sent messages to her kids so that they would know what was going on. The party had broken up pretty quickly after they had left. Alexei and Vera had been in hysterics, and in the chaos, nobody had realized until after Lourdes had been driven away. It was a very traumatic thing for small children to witness, for anybody to witness, and their parents had had difficulty putting them to bed that night.
Red had glanced at Benny. He hadn't moved from his position, curled up in his chair with his head atop his mother's purse. His eyes looked blank and he was staring at a crucifix that hung on the wall. Julio had brought his knees to his chest and was resting his chin on top of them. He looked so tired.
"Do you want to pray with me?" Red had asked them uncertainly, after a few more silent minutes. The question had so randomly slipped out of her mouth that she took herself by surprise. She wasn't a religious woman, at least not anymore. The bad things that had happened in her life had long ago made her cynical and turned her off of the idea of any higher power. If there was a God, Red had decided that she didn't like him very much. However, faith was something that Lourdes had always had in abundance, and she had shared those beliefs with her family. They all derived great comfort from the church and prayer was something that Lourdes would appreciate in her final hours.
"Okay," Julio had nodded his head again, "we could do the rosary. They usually keep them in hospital waiting rooms." He opened the drawer of the cabinet and found a simple wooden rosary within, beside the Bible. He handed it to Red.
"You're going to have to help me," Red had told him, as she ran her fingers over the delicate wooden beads, "remind me how we start?"
"We make the sign of the cross," Julio had instructed, "and then recite the 'Our Father'."
"Our Father, who art in heaven…" Red had begun to pray. She went slowly and the words had felt unnatural on her tongue after so many years. She had to take deliberate care not to lapse back into Russian, which was the language she had only ever really prayed in before. She'd watched out of the corner of her eye as Benny rummaged into Gloria's purse and finally withdrew a beautiful jewelled rosary that his mother always kept in there. He didn't recite aloud with them, but his fingers gently swept over the beads in an act of silent prayer.
Red had kept an image of Lourdes in her mind as she recited the words on her behalf. As they proceeded, her monotonous repetition gave way to a more sentimental tone and she hoped that if there was a God listening, that he would bring comfort upon this family who had already suffered so much. Being with them had made her think about her own sons and how they must have felt saying goodbye to their father like this. Unexpected tears had welled in her eyes, but she blinked them away before they could be noticed. She thought about Dmitri and realized that Klara had undoubtedly been in the hospital, faithfully by his side when it happened. And there to support Red's children. It was something to be grateful for.
At some point Gloria had returned to the small waiting room, her face awash with fresh tears. Through mangled sobs she tried to describe to them how Lourdes looked. They would be turning off the machines in a few minutes and if they wanted to see her, they needed to go now. Julio and Benny had glanced at one another and then gotten to their feet. Neither wanted to see their aunt like that but they were worried they might regret it if they didn't go. Red had walked back with Gloria but decided to wait in the hall for them instead. It hadn't felt right to intrude.
Red had no memories of ever seeing anybody on their death bed before. She had been living on the other side of the world from her parents when they had both died and the job of caring for them in the lead up had fallen to her two sisters. Her mother-in-law had died peacefully in her sleep one night and when her father-in-law had laid dying in the hospital, Red hadn't accompanied Dmitri to see him because she'd had the excuse of three small children to care for. This was her first time in a situation like this and it made her very uncomfortable.
"We're here," Red said softly, after she parked her car outside her home. Gloria turned away from the window to unbuckle her seatbelt. She glanced uncertainly at Red and fresh tears welled in her eyes.
When they got inside, Gloria lay down on the couch and hugged a decorative pillow to her chest. Julio and Benny had kicked off their shoes at the door but had not made another move. At least, Benny hadn't objected to being brought to Red's apartment as she had thought he might. She had been correct that going home right now would just be too difficult.
"We should all try to get some sleep," Red said. "Come, boys. You can share Nicky's room. I'll go with you to clean up whatever current disaster she has left."
Nicky had texted Red to let her know that she was going to spend the night at Lorna's as originally planned and the boys could use her room. In light of the circumstances, Lorna had even consented to allow Daisy to come. When Red opened the door to Nicky's bedroom, she was surprised to see that everything was immaculate. After leaving the park, Nicky had come home to clean up. All the clothes had been put away, everything was up off the floor, and there were no candy wrappers to be seen. She had even changed the blanket and sheets on the bed. On top of the dresser was a small duffel bag. After getting Gloria's keys from Lida, she had gone over to their place to pick up some clothes for Gloria and her sons. Red was taken-a-back, in a positive way, by Nicky's thoughtfulness.
"I got you water," Red said, once Julio and Benny returned from the bathroom where they had changed into the fresh clothes Nicky had brought them. Red pointed at the two glasses of water she had placed on the bedside table.
"Thank you," Julio said quietly.
Red pulled back the blanket on the bed and they both climbed in. Then she sat down near Julio's feet. Her hand rested on his calf.
"Is there anything that I can do?" Red asked, her eyes darting back and forth between them both. Benny slid further down in the bed and rolled onto his side to face the wall.
"No," Julio simply replied, "there's nothing."
"I'm so sorry this happened," Red said sadly.
"I still can't believe it's true," Julio sniffled.
"Me either," Red replied.
"Lie down," she encouraged him softly. Julio did as she said, rolling onto his side. She smoothed the blanket over them unnecessarily. He knew they were a little old for this but after what had happened, it was just good to have someone there, showing how much she cared.
"Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?" Red asked, as though she could read his mind. She was just doing what she would have done if they were her own children. She considered them both as much anyway.
"We aren't babies," Benny spoke up. He didn't turn away from the wall as he said it.
"Okay," Red replied, patting Julio's calf comfortingly a couple of more times, "you know where to find me if you need anything."
She went back into the living room to find Gloria. She hadn't moved from her place on the couch. Red kneeled down in front of her.
"Hi," Red whispered, reaching for Gloria's hand, "I wasn't sure if you were asleep yet or not."
"I can't sleep," Gloria whispered back, "I keep replaying this afternoon over and over in my head. She told me she didn't feel good and wanted to go home to bed. I asked her to stay and eat with us all."
"That's not why she died, Gloria," Red said. She sat down on the floor with her back rested against the couch. She still kept Gloria's hand in hers.
"If I had been paying attention," whispered Gloria, "she's been so tired ever since I got home and I just attributed that to life. But she was dying and I never even took her to see a doctor."
"Gloria," Red shook her head, "just, no. You can't do that to yourself. This is a shock. Nobody saw this coming."
"I had just gotten home," Gloria whimpered, tears rolling down her cheeks, "we were just starting to spend time together again. I never got to thank her for everything she did for me."
"Gloria, she knew," Red squeezed her hand comfortingly.
"I don't know," Gloria sniffed.
"She wouldn't want you to carry this guilt around inside of you," Red said, "she loved you. This is nobody's fault."
"I just can't believe this is happening," Gloria rubbed her hand over her face, "we didn't even get to spend a month together."
"It's awful," Red agreed, "I'm so sorry."
"Where are the boys?" asked Gloria.
"They're in Nicky's room," Red told her, "I'll check on them again in a few minutes."
"I haven't even been able to look at them," Gloria said guiltily, "I just can't think straight about anything right now."
"Then don't try," Red replied, squeezing her hand tightly, "Just let me take care of things for a little while. You need to get some sleep."
"So, do you," said Gloria, "you were awake all night too."
"Exactly," said Red, she tugged on Gloria's arm, "so will you just come to bed with me? It's comfier than the couch."
"Okay," Gloria nodded.
Nicky had left Gloria's clothes folded on the foot of the bed for her. While Gloria changed into pajamas, Red went back across the hall to check on the boys. They both seemed to be asleep, which relieved her. She noticed that the blinds were open and the sun was shining in. Quietly tiptoeing to the window, she closed them. Maybe they would be able to sleep a little longer that way.
Red battled internally with whether to leave the doors open or not. She was worried it would upset the boys to see her and Gloria in bed together, but at the same time she didn't want to make them feel shut out if they wanted or needed something. She settled for leaving them open partway. Gloria was sitting straight up with her back against the headboard. After putting on her pajamas, Red pulled back the blankets and lay down next to her.
"I don't know what to do," Red said honestly, looking sadly over at Gloria. She felt so helpless amidst all this pain.
"You're doing everything," Gloria whispered, "you're loving us."
Gloria shifted over and curled onto her side, facing Red, and sharing her pillow. Her eyes glazed with exhaustion, Red reached a hand up and used her finger to brush away the tears from Gloria's eyes. Beneath the covers, she wedged her leg between both of Gloria's so that they were linked.
"She's dead," Gloria sniffled, new tears replacing the ones Red had just brushed away.
Cupping Gloria's cheek in her hand, Red leaned forward and brushed her lips. Then, still caressing Gloria's face, she pulled back just enough to lay her head back down on the pillow they were sharing. Underneath the covers, her other hand found Gloria's. She closed her eyes and within seconds, they had both surrendered to sleep.