Chapter 10.
"I think we have to talk".
"Okay, sweetie, let's talk…".
Jane seemed to be tense, and Maura knew that something wasn't quite right: she wanted nothing but to reassure her. So she reached for her hand and, when she was able to find it, she stroked her palm.
She moved closer and slowly captured Jane's lips with her own: it was a way to express how sorry she was.
She could sense that Jane was upset, she was good at reading facial expressions. What she couldn't foresee was Jane's reaction to her little, innocent gesture.
Jane stood up.
Like her hand was on fire, like her lips were burning.
Like her world was falling.
Like a bullet hit her in the stomach.
It was rough, and unexpected.
She suddenly felt nervous, and the close proximity of Maura's body surely didn't help.
So she practically jumped off the sofa, like a cat that's running from a particularly nasty dog. It was a spontaneous reaction.
She felt in danger she moved.
Maura missed Jane's body heat immediately, she missed her shoulder –her refuge- and her long, curly, extremely black hair that tickled her cheek like a caress. Her fulminous movement made her wince in surprise.
Jane too was surprised by her own actions: Maura wasn't certainly a dog. But –in that moment- she became something to be afraid of. It was completely illogical, but it was an impulse she had to follow. She surrendered to it, like a leaf to the power of the wind.
So, there she was, motionless and concerned, near the sofa, fidgeting with her hands, trying to make a decision she never thought she would have had to make.
Stay, or leave? –she was torn, and pulled by two forces towards two different directions-
She felt the urgency to run away. She wanted to regain her solitude and her stability.
What unsettled her the most wasn't the fact that Maura had eavesdropped. She didn't think she had done it on purpose, she didn't think she was being rude – Maura Isles could be described in a lot of ways, but she certainly wasn't a rude person .
No, there were consequences that were far more dangerous.
By hearing her conversation with Angela, it was like Maura had seen all the cracks in her shiny armour. She knew her weakness, she witnessed to her fragility.
Jane was too proud to be seen at her low. She couldn't bear when Korsak was over-protective, and now she felt like Maura cheated on her: she knew how much she cared about her. She knew how deep and potent was the nature of her feelings towards her.
Vulnerability hit her and took away all her layers, all her defences.
Apart from the physical discomfort due to Jane's sudden disappearance, Maura was confused as never in her life. She hated when she wasn't aware of things, when she wasn't able to comprehend the causes of events that happened around her. She was a control-freak.
She felt hurt, and refused: why had Jane ran away from her body like she had some kind of weird illness?
There she stood, alone, rejected from Jane like a body rejected a malfunctioning organ.
She knew –of course- that she was upset because Maura overheard the conversation between her and her mother. But why did she seem so…scared? Why did she look at the door like she wanted nothing but to go and never turn back?
Maura wanted to say something: she wanted to express herself and convince her not to leave.
But she seemed to have lost all her logic and ability to make coherent sentences. Gone was the brilliant Doctor, her wit and her fluent talk: she was nothing but a crumbling mess.
She had often noticed how Jane constantly killed her rationality. She was the only one who could, the only one that made her tremble with a kind of affection that was way beyond physical attraction. She made her act like a child, forget what she wanted to say.
So –trying to wipe away the tears that were slowly filling her eyes- she said: "Jane…please, stay".
With those three words, she begged her.
She couldn't say anything better, or stronger, or brighter.
Three words, and still her world depended on them.
Please, stay.
It was a prayer, it was everything she could offer…and God, she hoped it was enough.
Jane was tempted.
She was looking at the door, and every fibre in her body screamed at her to go away. She was torn in two half, like a useless piece of paper.
So Maura tried again, without changing a single word, and her tongue was on fire while she repeated: "Please, stay".
She also managed to add: "This is me".
Maura's voice sounded more like a whisper. It was nearly audible, but still, Jane was touched in her core. She took a deep breath, and made her decision: " I'm not going anywhere…".
At least, she would have tried.
Maura smiled, but no happiness reached her hazel eyes.
Jane didn't know what to do or what to say.
She opened her mouth, trying to say something –anything- but she was lost.
And then Maura asked her: "Sit with me".
The fear returned, like a thunder in the stomach. Jane tried to control it.
"Jane…I swear I won't touch you with a finger, if that's what you are afraid of. I just want you to come here, look me in the eyes and explain what's going on. Give me your time, and I will give you mine".
Maura was scared she wouldn't have been able to convince her, but then she saw her moving and her heart melted. Jane made two tentative steps towards her, then slowly positioned herself on the couch. Maura noticed that she was cautions, like she wanted to keep some distance. She would have tried to respect that, but sure she couldn't deny it: she was hurt by Jane's behaviour.
"Speak to me", she said to her, regaining some confidence: Maura wasn't intentioned on screwing everything up. She wanted Jane. She had wanted her for a long time, and she was gonna fight until Jane told her it was useless to do that.
"I…it's complicated".
"You know it's not enough, Jane. What are you afraid of?". She noticed Jane was avoiding her gaze. "Please, look me in the eyes and tell me. What the hell is going on? Cause, frankly, I have no idea. Is it because I've heard you speaking with your mum? I thought I had already apologized for that".
"It's not just about that. It's…I can't…".
"Jane, eyes on me".
And then they met. Eye to eye, and it was like a battle and there was noise inside of their heads, and it was powerful and terrifying. But Maura didn't look away, she didn't run from such an unknown intensity. Instead, she jumped, she dived in Jane's eyes, willing to understand what was making them so dark and elusive.
"What are you afraid of?".
The answer was darker then Jane's eyes, deeper then their distance.
"You really wanna know?".
"Yes, Jane. More than anything, I wanna know".
"Don't tell me I didn't warn you…". Jane was holding over.
"You can't make me leave you, even if you want to I am not going anywhere". Maura replied, and truth was in her eyes and in her voice.
"It's you. I am completely, utterly terrified by you, Maura Isles".
And with that, it like Jane gave away the last layer that covered her. She renounced to her annoying pride, to her fake confidence. It was an unspoken promise that said: I'm not hiding any more. I'm not avoiding this feeling any longer. That was it: with those words, with that confession, she gave to Maura her soul. She hoped so much to receive hers in return…