A/N: There are two versions of this song (that I know of.) But this one was longer and had such beautiful lines that I chose it. There's not one line in this whole song that I don't like or don't get but then again, I'm depressing like that. The other one is Digital Suicide Lullaby in case you'd want to check it out. I don't think I ever mentioned this but this whole time I've intended for you guys to listen to the songs while reading and have it as a movie in your head.
···
Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies
Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies
I snorted in my lobster bisque and coughed, laughing when I was done. I tried not to laugh hysterically because we were in a fancy restaurant but Mitchell's just too goddamn funny.
He silently chuckled as I groaned in horror when I felt some of the lobster bisque in my nose. It burned my nose. I excused myself to the bathroom, ignoring Mitchell's laughter rise.
I blew my nose noisily. The woman next to me, at the sink, flinched away. I rolled my eyes ay her, looking at myself in the mirror. It still shocked me to see how I'd looked before. I'd dyed my hair back to blonde and was gonna let my hair grow back to its natural color. I was tired of having my hair red. Not the color but of not having my natural hair if that makes sense. I was done hiding.
I came back to our table, Mitchell smirking at me.
"Shut up," I said as I sat down. He shrugged, shaking his head at me.
"So, can you believe it's been two months?" He squealed, leaning forward to ruffle my hair. "It seems like only yesterday, you were crying over some dork with biceps. Looks like my Sammy has done some growing up."
"Yeah, you could say that," I responded. " Why'd you come back so quick anyway?"
"Because it's spring break for the college students. I wanted to help you when Freddie came back. I know he's too much of a bitch to leave you alone for once,"I laughed, knowing it was true. We could be pissed at each other, not speaking to each other but we were always around one another as if it pained us to be apart for too long; though, I wasn't sure if that was true. "But unfortunately, I have to leave on Wednesday. I have a gallery opening in a few weeks but for some reason they need me now."
I pretended to pout. "I wish I could go to your opening but there is now way I have the money to pay for the tickets to and from New Mexico," I replied.
"I could afford it," Mitchell offered, shrugging. I shook my head.
"It was awesome in the beginning but now I feel like a trophy wife."
"I am your gay husband though," Mitchell said.
"Oh, just shut up!" He laughed.
"So, how's things with Carly? I don't even wanna know about the Freddie situation," he said. I laughed, shaking my head.
"You really don't. It's weird with Carly. I feel like we're both pretending and waiting for the other to stop," I said. He raised his eyebrows.
"That deep?" I nodded, smiling a little.
"I know she's hiding something from me. And I'm hiding a whole bunch of shit from her so I have no reason to feel angry. I don't feel angry. I'm worried that we're breaking away from who we used to be. Friendwise," I continued. "I don't know what I'd do without Carly. We've been friends since the dinosaurs and the aliens signed that contract." Mitchell's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and he chuckled.
"Since what?"
"Nothing, it's an inside joke," I said, thinking back to when things were simpler; before there was all this creddie/seddie drama; before we started being dumbasses. (A/N: Shout out to Hackingofthedead! Yeah, people are dumbasses sometimes.) That was the past. There was no point in wanting things to be the way they used to be because that was over and done. If you stay in the past, you'll miss the present and be unprepared for your future. Just like one of my favorite songs said, We're growing up so stop looking back. Yeah, I can be wise sometimes. Be amazed.
"Thanks for telling an outside person," he said, flicking a piece of bread at me. I glared, ready for a food fight. "Speaking of things you're hiding, since I noticed your dress is a nicely fitted green, I assume you went ahead with the..." I looked down, losing my appetite for maybe the best soup ever. I pushed it out in front of me and smiled at the waiter as he took it away. It was only so he could smile back. He had a cute smile and was vaguely familiar.
"Yeah. I did it."
We were silent. I sipped some of my water and started fumbling with the napkin spread across my lap.
"How do you feel about it? Like do you regret it?" he asked. "Cuz honestly, I didn't think you were gonna do that." I shrugged.
"When Freddie and Carly left, and then you left, I felt like it was the right thing to do. But now that he's coming back...I don't know."
"Wait, you haven't seen him in like 2 months?" Mitchell asked, fuming. I nodded.
"I told you wouldn't want to know. We hired this kid to do the last few iCarlys. He has "stuff to do". At least that's what Carly has told me. They get here tomorrow," I replied.
"Douchebag. Anyway, so you want a baby?" I shrugged again.
"I don't know. Maybe."
"No. Not a maybe. It's a yes or no question. A serious one too because it doesn't only affect you. Are you ready to have a baby?" he asked again.
"No. I am nowhere near emotionally/mentally prepared to carry and have a baby. I can barely take care of myself and it wouldn't feel right to just hand over my responsibility to someone else. At least, not when it has feelings. I actually feel like I'm getting an allergic reaction, just talking about this. I'm not ready at all," I answered.
"Then you did the right thing," Mitchell responded. I nodded, believing him.
"Yeah, yeah I did the right thing," I repeated. I sighed. "What would I do without you Mitchell?"
"Oh, you'd rot in a well somewhere by Switzerland." I looked at him, amused by his randomness.
"What? How?" The waiter came with our entrees and I stared at the five star meal that Mitchell paid for. "Whatever, I'll take your craziness if you keep buying me meals like this." He took a bite of his food and winked at me.
"Be careful. That's how Bush got re-elected," he replied. I tried not to cough up my duck as I erupted into laughter.
···
I left a trail of pills
To find my broken heart in your lost mind
Here I go, losing control
Watch me slip down the rabbit hole
"How is this show still on after so many years? Like with new episodes and everything?" Spencer asked as I sat next to him on the couch with a bag of chips practically in my mouth. "It's been on since I was a teenager."
"In the bronze age?" I joked. He pushed me over, smiling.
"Ha ha. Very funny. But serious;y, who is paying for this show?" I shrugged, shoving another handful of chips into my mouth.
"I don't know. I don't even like Girly Cow anymore. I stopped watching or even paying attention last year," I answered. "Maybe it's the new kids that are watching. The next generation of Girl Cow followers."
Spencer nodded. "That makes more sense than what I was thinking," he replied.
"What were you thinking?" I asked.
"Evil satellites with french mustaches that brainwash people," I burst laughing and continued to laugh as we heard the click of the lock. Carly and Freddie came inside with their suitcases, 3 hours earlier than they'd said they'd be. Mitchell wasn't here yet.
"Hey you guys!" Carly greeted smiling widely. We waved at them and looked at each other. Spencer and I were not ready for the Carly madness she would bring along with her this week. "I've got news! Very good news!"
"What could possibly be so good it can't wait until this episode ends?" I asked, annoyed. "This is the one with the squirrel quadruplets." Carly rolled her eyes at me and chuckled.
"Me and Freddie are back together!" she squealed. She dropped her bags and jumped into Freddie's arms.
They kissed.
Less than 5 feet away from me. It felt like a frog had jumped into my throat and started roundhouse kicking. I gulped, looking away.
"Oh god. All this teen romance shit is making me sick," I groaned, pretending like I wanted to throw up. I really did.
"You're such a Sam," Carly retorted. I gave my best impression of a real laugh but it ended up sounding like a chipmunk.
"I'm happy that my sister's happy," Spencer said genuinely. I caught him nervously glancing at me. "I don't know why this needs to be announced though." Carly smiled even wider.
"Because things are finally back to normal. Me and Freddie are together, Sam's back, her hair is blonde again-Oh my god! Your hair!" Carly squealed again. She rushed over to the couch and began touching my hair. She began questioning me about why I did it. I watched Freddie move their suitcases and walk into the kitchen to get something to drink.
I shrugged in response.
"I was done with the red. I only needed it because I was hiding from you guys. I'm done hiding," I said, sneaking a glance at Freddie. He wasn't even looking in my general direction. He had gone on the computer with his back to us.
"What do you think about it Freddie? What'd you prefer, red or blonde?" she asked sweetly. A little too sweetly but I ignored it. Carly was enjoying this dating Freddie thing.
Freddie shrugged. "It's just hair. I don't get why girls obsess over it so much," he said. He didn't even bother to look back.
Carly shrugged while Spencer agreed with him. He tried to reach for my hand but I stood up.
"Sam must use the potty," I said. I walked into the upstairs bathroom, knowing what I wanted would be there. I took out the small bottle of Tylenol. So what if I didn't have any physical pain? It felt physical.
I took 4 pills dry.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror and rolled my eyes. I wasn't this girl, I was never gonna be this girl. If there was anything I'd learned from these many years of being Sam Puckett, it's that there's no easy way out. I glared at myself before putting my finger at the back of my throat.
···
Happiness is a state of mind
That I try to visit from time to time
Carly and I sat around in her room later that day, listening to music. Mitchell had called to say sorry he couldn't be there. Art gallery crisis. She sang along with the music, brushing her hair. I laughed at her.
"Can you be anymore of a stereotype?" I asked, joking. She stuck out her tongue at me. She ran to her bed, jumping on it and tackling me. "Oh my god, you weigh like 5 elephants. What have you been eating?"
"Kiss my ass," Carly replied, rolling off of me. We both sat up, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder. She opened a pack of twizzlers, offering me some.
"I'm not Benson," I countered. Carly smiled.
"Are you happy Sam?" she asked me seriously.
"I'm never happy," I answered absently, biting some of my twizzler.
"We should change that. But I am. Truly and really happy. And it's all because of him," she sighed happily, leaning against her headboard.
"I know Carly. That's dangerous though, to put all your happiness in one person," I replied. She chuckled.
"I don't but he adds to it. He's like the cherry on my sundae of happiness." I rolled my eyes at her.
"Sometimes I'm embarrassed to know you and your cheesiness. Maybe it balances me out," I said. Carly shrugged.
"Well, if being girly means being happy, to finally be with the guy and wanting a family, I'll take it. I've always wanted a baby," she said, looking at me excitedly. "I wouldn't be lying if I said, you know, that I wasn't a little disappointed when the pregnancy tests were negative."
"Of course, yours were true," I muttered.
"Hmm?" I shook my head.
"Nothing, nothing, I just don't think that's very Carly to get pregnant in high school," I said. Carly laughed.
"Maybe I'll get pregnant in college," she joked, playfully nudging me. I shook my head, alughing as I tried not to cry. I wasn't sure if I could go through this again.
"You're crazy," I commented. Carly nodded.
"Crazy in love. But don't worry, we both decided to take things slow. Like when I spent the night with him, we just slept. Didn't do anything and it was okay," Carly whispered.
"Well, I've heard enough about the King of Dweebs. I'm gonna go downstairs and get some meat. All this sugar and fruit is sickening me," I groaned, sniffling a little. I went down the stairs to get some ham so that way, after I was done crying, I would have something to eat.
I bumped into Freddie by accident when he turned to walk up the stairs. I stepped back and looked at him. He stared at me with an empty expression.
"How've you been?" My voice shook and I chuckled. Freddie shook his head and walked past me.
I breathed out shakily and muttered, "Oh, fuckin' hell."
He looked back at me and his expression softened. "I don't need your fuckin' pity, Freddie, so just don't. Be with Carly for all I care."
···
Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies
"Mitchell!" I whined as he pulled my hand, dragging me out of Bushwell Plaza.
"No. I will not let you mope! Remember, you told me to keep you strong and that's what I'll do. You've got only 5 days left with evil brunette twins. I leave tomorrow so I need to know that I won't need to worry about you sitting in your room, watching that super depressing season of Skins."
"Shut up! God, you talk too much," I complained.
"Suck my dick. Come on, let's go," he said as he pulled my arm. I reluctantly followed him outside, squinting my eyes at the sun. Of course, the weather is nice today. Why would it fit my mood at all?
"Sam...are you okay?" he asked me warily. I turned to him and saw the worry in his face. I shrugged.
"I'm as good as I am. No more, no less," I answered. Mitchell chuckled.
"That was the greatest non-answer I've heard," he laughed. I laughed with him. "Just promise me you're not gonna kill yourself," he said. I looked at him, confused. Was I giving off a suicidal vibe?
"No. I'm not gonna kill myself . I'm upset but I'm not that upset," I assured him. He stared into my eyes as we stood next to his car. It was really his grandmother's car who lent it to him for his stay. I stared into his blue eyes, looking at my reflection and realizing that I liked what I saw for the first time.
"Good." He opened the door to the driver's seat and handed me the keys. "Now I can trust you to drive us into the city. I wanna go shopping and gawk at hot guys; cause some trouble and I want a yoga cat," he added. I snickered, not knowing what that was or caring. (A/N: It's a real thing, a painting of a cat doing yoga poses, that my aunt got when she went to Seattle.)
"Whatever," I replied, rolling my eyes. Before Mitchell could walk around the car, I pulled him back into a hug. "Thanks Mitchell." For a brief second, while Mitchell hugged me tighter, I pretended that he was Freddie and we had the fairytale ending.
I pretended until we broke away from the hug and I looked into my blue instead of his brown.
We got into the car and plugged Mitchell's ipod into the car. I skimmed through his music before I gasped.
"Oh my god! How did you get this version? I can't find it anywhere!" I screamed excitedly as Black Sheep came on. I listened to Brie Larson's voice and swayed to it. I thought it fit the song a lot better but maybe that was just because of the movie.
Freddie had read the Scott Pilgrim comics or whatever. He had been dying to go see the movie but Carly had other plans that she deemed more important. Her other plans was a spa day with Spencer's girlfriend and then a trip to Yakima for the weekend. He had guilted me into seeing it with him when really he didn't have to ask very much. I ended up liking the movie a lot more than I thought I would. It was a good memory. Freddie had been so sweet and reminded me why I loved him, it was hard to believe that the Monday after, he reverted back to his old self with Carly so easily.
"Illegally of course. Way better than the other lady right?" I nodded. We made eye contact as I put the car into reverse. We sang along with the music, "Send you my love on a wire, lift you up every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh, from you-ooh..."
···
Here I go, losing control
It was around 7 when I came home. Carly was pacing in the kitchen while Spencer sat at the island. When I walked through the door with my groceries and a couple of new things of clothes, she marched furiously towards me. I looked at Spencer amused but he was worried. He shook his head saying, "Carly, don't jump to conclusions."
I looked back at her in time for when she stood in front of me.
"What's up Cupcake?" She had her arms crossed and she was glaring at me. "What did I do?"
Then she smacked me. No, she bitch-slapped me. Right across my face.
Now I know that I'm not a tolerant or patient person but this was Carly. Despite all the tension between us, she was still my best friend since forever. So I took the slap, surprised that it had actually made me lean to the side. Who knew that Carls had the strength to do that?
"Where the fuck have you been all day?" she screamed at me. I didn't understand her anger and it was pissing me off. She was mad because I was gone the whole day? I was slapped for that shit? I threw my bags at her.
"I was shopping with Mitchell," I replied, my voice a little louder than usual. Carly rolled her eyes at me and slapped me again, on the same cheek.
"Oh please, how stupid do you think I am?"
"Very if you think you're gonna get away with slapping me one more time," I said. We glared at each other in silence before Carly spoke again.
"Freddie hasn't been home all day either. Said he had to go see his mom at the hospital. Know anything about that?"
"What the fuck? NO! Why would I know? I assumed you were gonna hang out with Fredbag all day-that's why I left if that's why you're pissed," I replied, seriously pissed off now.
"Really? You sure he wasn't with you?" she accused. She lifted her hand to smack me again but I stopped her, pushing her away from me. The first slap surprised me. The second slap was while I was still confused but there was no way there was going to be a third.
"Don't you fuckin touch me! I love you but you have no reason to be treating me like this!" I yelled at her.
"Like what? A hoebag? A slut? A person who stabs her best friend in the back and steals her boyfriend? Because that's what you are Sam! You're Peyton," I didn't get the reference at first until I remember the torturous hours being forced to watch One Tree Hill. I rolled my eyes. "I can't say I'm surprised," she continued. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
I was furious.
"Compare me to all the whiny, fictional characters you want but don't you EVER compare me to my mother! I am nothing like her nor will I ever be, you fuckin' bitch!" I raised my fist and took only one step when Spencer came between us.
"Girls, calm down. You guys are best friends. You don't want to mess that up," Spencer said in his wise man voice. But I didn't care about what happened to our friendship at that moment.
"Stay out of it," Carly and I yelled at him at the same time. I pushed Spencer out of the way.
"I know about you and Freddie, "Carly growled at me. "I know that there was something between you guys during high school. He reassured me that nothing was happening," she started to cry. "I believed him until all that confusion during graduation. And then you guys hooked up after Christmas. You think I was stupid enough not to notice the differences between you guys, the minute I saw you. And after I told you about my plans, you whore!"
I was angry at her, myself, and Freddie. We'd fucked things up as only three young adults can.
"And now you guys are back to our old ways," she added.
"I'm not hooking up with fuckin' Freddie! I spent the whole day with Mitchell!" I screamed, hoping that it would sink into her delusional brain.
"Just tell me why did this to me! Me, your best friend in the world, of all people!"
"Yes Carly," I snapped, now annoyed more than ever. "This was all about you. I fell in love with Freddie on purpose to spite you and break you guys up. I never told him because it's not like I cared more about our friendship than my feelings, it's not like I knew you were in love with him too!"
"Fuck you Sam!" she yelled. "You act like you've done nothing wrong! You lied to me for all these years!" She continued to yell while Spencer walked past us to open the door. I guess someone had knocked. I sighed.
"Yes, I lied and I can't take that back but it was so things wouldn't change between us. Look what's happened now and this is over a stupid guy! A guy that could end up choosing neither of us in the end!" I argued. She scoffed.
"He already chose me, idiot. He was just fooling himself with you. Plus, you're a fuckin' little girl, right?" I raised my eyebrows. Carly did know more than we thought she had.
"How much of that conversation did you hear?" I asked nervously, wondering if she had told Freddie what she overheard.
"Only from that point on and then I immediately texted Freddie to watch out for you because I had a feeling you'd try to trap him. And I was right. I saw you leave the apartment so I followed you. I saw you kiss him," she paused to glare at me. "That's why I brought up my "plans". I was hoping you'd crack and just tell me so I wouldn't have to confront you like this. I was hoping that you were a decent person," she said.
I was shocked, there was no way Carly could be like this. I shook my head, replaying it in my head. Replaying everything and realizing what I'd thought was Carly being Carly was really her being a bitch.
"You motherfuckin'..." I couldn't think of a word to call her. She was worse than a bitch. "You don't even know what happened or what the fuck I went through trying to please you! I wasn't trying to trap him, he was already traprped!" She gasped and shook her head like she didn't believe me. "Yeah, while you got pregnancy scares, I got pregnant! And you know what I did, what you wanted to bring up? I got a fuckin' abortion!"
And like only my life could be, I heard Freddie whisper behind me, "What?"
···
Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies
"What? Sam...you were pregnant?" I could see the anger bubbling up inside him. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he yelled. I heard Spencer "eep" in the background.
"Because I was scared! I was scared of what to do and how to tell you! Before I could get the guts to do it, both you and Carly were telling me you were getting back together. You wouldn't want the baby, I wasn't ready for a baby so I got rid of it," I explained, highly upset that he got to choose when he cared and when he didn't.
"You murdered your baby? Killer!" Carly said, looking at me, disgusted.
"Shut up Carly. This is between Sam and me. And abortion isn't murder," Freddie defended me.
"Yeah, to an atheist," she responded. I rolled my eyes turning to her.
"And all of a sudden, you're a saint. This argument is already messed up enough, without bringing stupid religion into it," I said.
"Religion is not stupid," she argued.
"I didn't mean it like that," I tried to say.
"Carly, religion is the opiate of the masses," Freddie replied, coming to my defense again. I was getting really angry. He's been ignoring me and acting like nothing happened between us.
"That's why people who are going to hell say," Carly crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Thanks Carly," Freddie said bitterly, putting up his middle finger at her.
"Look, I have a right to be mad, my best friends were hooking up behind my back! This is like when you guys kissed all over again. Only this time, you guys had sex!"
"And I got pregnant! You act like this was planned so we could hurt you! Carly, this. Is. Not. About. You!" I enunciated. Freddie turned to me after I stopped talking.
"And you didn't tell me you were pregnant," Freddie said. "It was my almost-baby too! You didn't think I'd want to make a decision about this?"
"It's my body! I don't need your thoughts! Like I said before, you were getting back with Carly. You know you wouldn't have—"
"What have I told you about telling me what I would've felt," he interrupted, his voice menacing and louder than I had ever heard it. He was pissed. "What I would've said, what I would've thought, what I would've done. YOU DON'T KNOW!" he yelled, swinging his arms in frustration. He turned away from Carly and me.
"Goddammit, Sam, that was a really important decision. Why didn't you include me?"he asked me. He sounded distraught and I cringed. He got me with that voice. I shrugged, looking down.
"I'm sorry, Freddie," I said softly. "You're right. I'm sorry." He turned back to look at me. He smiled a little.
"What is that, the second or third time you've said sorry to me?" he joked. I smirked at him, not replying. It seemed like no matter what happened, we always found a way to turn it around and make everything okay between us. It was far from being okay but he was making an effort; I was willing to do the same.
Carly scoffed behind us. We looked at her and watched the tears set in her eyes.
"I knew it. I knew it. You both lied to me! You weren't hanging out with Mitchell. And you," she pointed at Freddie. "Well, I knew you were lying because there's no way you'd ever want to hang out with your mother for an entire day unless she was dying or something."
Freddie immediately got angrier than when I had ended things between us a few months ago. His jaw was set, his fists were clenched, his muscles bulged, making his biceps extra hot, btw. But he was scary. I'd seen Freddie look scared but never thought he'd look frightening.
I stepped in front of Carly, scared he might physically hurt her. Even the calmest person in the planet has their moment when they snap. Pacifists make it out like they wouldn't do anything but I think the right amount of anger could lead to anything.
"You're right Carly. Does that make you feel better? My mother is dying and there's nothing I can do about it. She has breast cancer and it's spread too far that the doctors can't fix it! Does that make you happy? My mother's days may be numbered but hey, at least I'm not dating Sam behind your back!"
He turned away, slamming the door. I turned to Carly to see she was crying. I felt kinda bad for her, I knew what it felt like to have someone you love yell at you.
"This is all your fault; if you understood the concept of boundaries, none of this would've happened. I hate you," she cried.
Until she did that.
"Fuck you Carly," I said, walking away.
"Don't ever talk to me again," she called after me.
"That'll be pretty hard to do since we live together!" I yelled before slamming the door.
She hurt me and she hurt Freddie over something she refused to let me explain.I don't know if I could be friends with her ever again.
We hurt each other multiple times over these few years and it had only been a matter of time before it exploded. The only problem was if we could repair the damage and how long would it take?
···
I left a trail of pills
to find my broken heart in your lost mind
If you still want a life or two,
I could not do it all for you*
Of course, Freddie was on the fire escape. It was the perfect place to think and the view of Seattle was beautiful. This city would always be my home, no matter where else I went.
"You get more and more predictable, Benson," I murmured, standing by the open window. He looked over at me from the steps. He removed the lawn chairs a while ago.
Freddie attempted to smile and stopped.
"Were you scared? When you went to get your operation?" he asked softly. I nodded.
"Terrified. I've heard of possibilities that I might not be able to get pregnant again. I do want kids. I just didn't want it under the circumstances. I couldn't stand being pregnant and I didn't want to think of some bastard child running around out there. I hope you're not very mad at me," I said, rushing the last sentence. I looked to the side. He snickered and shrugged.
"I'm upset that you didn't include me and let me be there for you. And I'm upset for being such an ass to you. But I don't want a kid right now either. I would've voted adoption but it's really about you," he finished with a smile.
"About your mom..." I started.
"I don't really want get into it. She has about a year to live. I'm gonna try and make it the best. It's all I can do, you know?" He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I climbed through the window and stood in front of him. He pulled me into a hug and cried a little onto my shoulder. "That's why I've been spending so much time with her."
"I wish there was something I could do. I hate seeing you sad. It doesn't feel right," I whispered into the back of his head. He sighed, holding me a little tighter before letting go. I took a step back.
"Carly's a bitch," he said, randomly.
"Yeah, but so am I," I replied. "She was upset and she felt betrayed by two of the closest people to her."
"Why are you defending her? Didn't she say awful things to you?"
"She did and I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for that. But she deserves an explanation. No one's a bitch for no reason," I said, shrugging.
Freddie looked away from me and looked at the skyline. I pushed him over so I could sit next to him.
"I'm scared for my mom. I don't know what she's thinking about or what she's going through. My mom has her issues like everybody else," he pointed out. "But she's my mom. I knew she'd be gone, I just didn't think it'd be so fast."
I looked at him and ruffled his hair. He chuckled as I leaned onto him.
"You need to be there for your mom, just like you said. Support her and stuff. She needs you as much as you need her," I responded. I smiled and puffed out my chest proudly. "That was probably the greatest advice I've ever given."
Freddie smiled. He played with my hand until we were holding hands.
"Do you need me?" he asked. I laughed, rolling my eyes.
"I'm not answering that," I replied. I stood up, breaking our handhold and a little grateful for it. As much as I dreamt about a a lovey-dovey relationship wit Freddie, actually doing it was a different thing. I wasn't comfortable with all that stuff. "I should get going. See if Mitchell will let me stay with him for tonight. Wait until he hears this."
I only had one foot in the hallway when I felt Freddie pull my arm. I turned around and bumped into his head. He had obviously been trying to kiss me but he moved in too quickly. I groaned, pushing him and stepping into the hallway.
"Your big ass dork noggin hurt me!" I complained, walking away. He caught up to me.
"It was an accident. Get over it," he said. I narrowed my eyes at him and he backed off. "Ok, ok, don't get over it. But come with me."
···
Catch me in the middle of the night
With dreams so fierce I hold you tight
It's the very thing that I love to love
And I hate this game and I wanna get off tonight
We walked into the apartment across the hallway from Carly's. I resisted the urge to see if maybe she was there with an apology in her hand. I was over the fight. I think there was stuff we'd need to talk about but I wanted my best friend back.
Crazy, I mean, Mrs. Benson was there when we came in. She was watching WEEDS. If anyone had told me that Mrs. Benson watched a show like that, known for their excess cursing, sex, and pushed boundaries, I'd have punched them in the gut for lying to me.
She didn't smile at me, it was more of a grimace.
"Samantha," she greeted, turning back to the TV.
"Mom, I didn't think you'd be home," Freddie muttered.
"Obviously, or else you wouldn't have brought missy rude mouth over there," Mrs. Benson replied. The attitude was unnecessary. Especially for someone who's dying. Aren't you supposed to be calm and peaceful? Aren't you supposed to reflect on your life and be nicer to everyone?
"Mom," he sighed, looking over at me with apologetic eyes. If I could deal with Carly's extreme bitchiness, I could handle Mrs. Benson's remarks. "We're going to my room."
"I know if I kicked her out, you'll get moody and shit," she said. I raised my eyebrows while Freddie rolled his eyes. "So leave the door open."
"I'll leave it unlocked," he promised, taking my hand and leading me to his room. Mrs. Benson was angry but she didn't say anything.
He let go of my hand to open the door for me. I walked inside, avoiding his bed. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He let out a deep breath and smiled at me.
"Take off your clothes," he told me, moving to his drawers. He looked through a couple and then turned around to see me standing fully clothed with a surprised face. He chuckled. "Come on. Take 'em off. Do you need help?"
"Freddie, I don't want to have sex with you," I said. He smiled wider.
"Neither do I. I'm giving you some pajamas so you can stay here with me," he replied.
"Uh, who said I wanted to stay with you? You don't get to decide what I do," I countered. He slowly walked towards me.
"You forget Puckett, I have ways to persuade you to see my way" Freddie whispered, leaning down to kiss me. I turned my head away, smiling. I did want to stay with him.
"Fine. Just get me the Pjs, Ms. Sexy Pants." He laughed, kissing my cheek. He didn't even realize I called him Freddie. Maybe I did make him happy.
He couldn't find any of my old clothes I used to keep in his room so he gave me sweatpants and a penny tee. We crawled into bed like an old married couple. I always kept spare scrunchies on my wrist because you never knew when you were gonna have to beat some jackass down and having your hair out wasn't the wisest. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and snuggled next to him. He hugged me to him.
"You know what you're missing? A TV. I could definitely watch some old Bruce Lee movie or I don't know, something cheesy like Flipped. I just wanna watch something," I complained. Freddie snickered.
"Well, I broke my laptop and haven't been able to afford a new one so...sorry, no TV," he apologized sarcastically.
"Oh my god," I exclaimed, sitting up. "I know what I want to watch. I've totally lost track of Bleach! Ok, I need you to get up," I pushed him out of the bed and he made a huge THUMP! when he fell. "Go get my laptop from Carly's. I want to start the show all over so, sorry, we'll be staying up all night."
Freddie laughed, standing up.
"I love you," he said. I smiled at him and he sat down on the bed. He leaned a little towards me. "Why can't we be together?"
Before I could answer, we heard screaming and stomping. Carly burst through the door. She was crying and continued when she saw us. We looked at each other worriedly.
"I knew it! Even if everything else was true, I knew you'd guys be here together now. I guess my feelings don't count," she cried wiping her eyes. Freddie stood up.
"That's not it Carly. We both care about you so stop being so dramatic," Freddie said in a weirdly harsh tone. She blinked with her mouth open. She had stopped crying, mostly sniffling.
"I'm...I'm done, with the both of you. I don't know why I even bother anymore. It's been obvious for a long time that we're not the same as before. And I've been trying to hold onto that because it was before everything got complicated like this. So I guess this is my fault," she said, starting to cry again.
I got out of bed and moved closer to her, past Freddie, but she backed away.
"Carly, we're all to blame, okay. We just need to talk and stuff," I said.
"You were right Sam. It'll be really hard for us to not see each other if we live together. So I want you out. I don't know what I was thinking when I became best friends with you. God, what a mistake that was. Being friends with both of you," she muttered as she walked out, shaking her head.
I felt a little weak-kneed. I had just wanted to rip Carly apart a few hours ago but I didn't think that fight would last. I didn't think she'd hate me. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I turned around and covered my mouth with my hand, waiting for the morning sickness I never got. Freddie looked at me sadly.
"I, uh, I tried to stop her," Mrs. Benson said, standing by the door.
"That's ok," he replied, still looking at me.
"Freddie, go sleep on the couch," she ordered. "Samantha can stay here." He walked towards me and hugged me tightly.
"Look, I promise we won't have sex or anything. Can I stay here with her?" he asked as I began to cry into his shoulder. I heard Mrs. Benson huff and close the door.
"Unlocked!" she yelled through the door. I held onto him tighter. He picked me up, placing us both on the bed. God, I loved him more than all the meat in the world and that's saying something.
···
Stop the world, s-s-s-stop the world, stop the world
I wanna get off
Tonight
I woke up the first time because the sun was in my face. I woke up the second time because Freddie was either having a sexy dream about me or an embarrassing case of morningwood. I woke up the thrid time because Mitchell called me.
I filled him in on the details of last night and had to calm him down so he wouldn't take Carly's head off. It reminded me that I needed to get my stuff.
I walked into the living room to see that all of my stuff had been packed into boxes. Mrs. Benson looked at me from the kitchen as she sipped her coffee.
"Spencer brought that over earlier this morning," she informed me. I nodded, walking straight for the door. She thought she could avoid me by giving me my stuff, well she was wrong.
I knocked on the door softly. Carly opened the door, looking down when she saw me.
"I guess you hate me," she said. I shook my head.
"Surprisingly not. I've said worst things to you."
"I don't remember that," she replied.
"I do. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I'm sorry Carly. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to do that. I've been hurting myself for so long but now, I'm finally happy. You know how you said you were happy Carls? Freddie makes me feel 100 times more than that. And I've been putting you first this whole time. You didn't seem to realize that but I have been. This time, I'm putting myself first so forgive me if that sucks. But I'm not changing it." Carly watched me as I talked. After I was done, I noticed she hadn't invited me in and I hadn't walked in. Carly and Spencer's apartment felt foreign to me; I was a stranger to her.
"If anyone should apologize, it should be me. Freddie was right on-I was being over-dramatic. But I was upset and hurt and I couldn't think straight. I'm sorry for everything I said. To both of you guys. Especially Freddie since he must be going through a lot. I meant nothing I said," she smiled at me briefly. I felt a little better. "Except kicking you out. I'm sorry but I need time to fully get over this and space from you guys."
"Wait, but you hardly even live there. Why should I get an apartment if you don't use yours?" I asked, annoyed. Carly shook her head.
"I got kicked out of school," she admitted. My eyes widened. How? "I'm having my roommate send the rest of my stuff. That's part of the reason I was so pissy. It was like one bad thing after another."
"What are you going to do?" I asked. She shrugged.
"But I gotta move back here so..." I nodded.
"I understand. I think it'll work," I replied. I realized that I'd been avoiding Carly so much, I hardly knew her anymore. This break in our friendship would hopefully mend it. I had other friends, Mitchell high on that list, but Carly was the one of the two I'd die if I lost. Freddie had past the friend zone a long time ago.
"Stay blonde," she said as she began closing the door. I smiled weakly.
"Stay brune," I replied, turning away.
Freddie was still asleep when I got back. He must've been exhausted. I know I felt it.
I sat, Indian-styled, on the bed. I watched Freddie sleep, smiling at his stupid and completely unattractive face. It was probably the most stalkerish thing I've ever done. When I got bored with that, I laid down next to him, wrapping my arms around him. He moved closer to me and opened my eyes. I smiled at him and he smiled back.
···
Sonic youth in your tears, sonic youth in your fears
Sonic youth with sonic dreams and suicidal tendencies
"How long have you been up?" he asked, stretching.
"A while. Talked to Carly a bit. She says sorry," I answered. Freddie shrugged as if it didn't matter.
"I knew she would. She just needed to calm down," he said. I rolled my eyes, moving back so that I was staring at the ceiling. "You okay? Are you regretting it already because I think it'll be a new record?" He laughed half-heartedly. I smiled, shaking my head.
"No. I'm in this, whatever this is," I replied. I reached out to hold his hand, just to show him.
"Impressive. And I'm glad. I guess there's no point in asking if we're exclusive?" I shook my head. "Good."
"Will things get sour from here?" I questioned softly, turning my head to him and lifting our hands. He gave me his infamous gaze and moved his other hand to rest on my cheek.
"I promise you that it won't."
"You shouldn't promise things you can't control. I just wanted a reassuring no," I said. He chuckled, breaking his gaze.
"I can control what I do in this relationship and one day, you're gonna marry me; so no, it won't turn sour," he said firmly. I kissed him.
"I love you," I said. He smiled, shifting his body so he was hovering over me.
"I love you too, Sam," he whispered. We kissed again, this time with Freddie's hands exploring my body.
I had finally made the right choice. I was finally with Freddie. I was finally happy.
A/N: Before I get serious and stuff, I'd like to also give a shout-out to Princess Starlight- your reviews are always so funny and detailed. Thank you! Also, I had to add Black Sheep. I recently became obsessed with Scott Pilgrim, thanks to Fios on Demand. I can't believe I missed when it came out and the comics! Sorry for the late update. I left my documents at my mom's while I was at my dad's and he wouldn't let me come back.
Now, *serious face *, I decided to have Sam abort the baby because 1- I haven't read a story where that happens and I found that interesting because abortions do happen. I did actual research (because I hate being wrong, even in stories,) and New York and Washington have similar rules for abortion. I was lucky that I could reference my half-a year of Health. Two- I dislike Seddie pregnancies or any pregnancies story because unless she has the baby the next chapter, the story turns into waiting for the baby. That can get really boring really fast.
I understand that everyone has different beliefs and things of the like. I never mean to offend anyone and I'm very sorry if I ever have. The stuff written is only for the storyline. Whether I believe it or not is really no one's business. I don't think that your beliefs really matter when you're reading but if it matters to you that much, you don't have to read it.
On a lighter note, I know this sounds like the end but it is far from it. I still have many things planned and even came up with like 3 more chapters today, adding on to the 4 I already had. Also, I can tell you now that the updates are actually gonna get farther apart because I have some ideas for new fanfics and other stories. I'm also starting school on Thursday and my schedule is...I don't even wanna get into it. So I don't know when I'll have time to write this.
Sorry for the super long author's note. I have a curse. Again, if you want a sneak peek into the next chapter, tell me the artist of the song and your favorite/least favorite part of the chapter. In an ideal world, I can have another update by next weekend. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you didn't, I'm sorry :(