Everlasting Wishes

Arc 1: Grell's Crush.

Chapter 10: Final Blow.

~Grell Sutcliff~

Darkness. Darkness, everywhere. It tears through the light like a raven-black sword, dispersing it with a kingly authority that can't be matched if it stands alone. Its terrible blade is edged with tears - the tears of the many who forged the sword, the tears of those who will never have love.

But who now wields the sword?

There he stands, Mr. William T. Spears, with his green eyes like those of a horrible python as he draws back his lips in a fanged snarl. His black hair is combed back, like a lion's mane that has been darkened by hate. And he runs, right towards the red cardinal who was resting in a tree, blissfully unaware, and down came that humongous sword, heavy as a hatchet in his hands, as he at last made the killing blow-

But the red bird did not die.

What the predator severed was his heart from his body. Yes, he stole away what the bird needed to live life with even a false smile - what the bird needed to thrive as a being with a soul. The heartstrings were cut, and now, the only thing left was that hateful emptiness. That ridiculous nothingness, that would no longer harbor anything positive, ever, for the rest of eternity.

The void that represented the love he could have had.

Grell gave a small jolt, his eyes snapping open, and he gave a tired groan when he realized it had been yet another nightmare. They were always different, these dreams, but the ending was always the same.

A bit like the various stories of his life.

Hannah Annafellows.

Pluto.

Angelina D. Sutcliff.

Rachel S. Phantomhive.

Eric Slingby.

William T. Spears.

And every time the tale replayed, Grell was a little more broken than the last one. Every time it ended, his already painfully mended heart shattered again, into more and more pieces. Shards that dug into his being, eventually becoming another fake, patched-up heart.

There's no meaning in living on without love - at least, not for me. For me, if no one loves you, then you are merely an annoyance to the world. No one loves me. Therefore, I am the world's annoyance. I'm nothing more than a bothersome, confused being that the world thinks is an abomination. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am horrible. Maybe I should be gone from this world.

In fact... maybe, they'd be happier if I was.

Grell curled closer to himself as a loud rumble wracked through his body. He had been ignoring the hunger pains for a while now... three days, to be precise. He wasn't sure he saw the point in eating, after all, love would never belong to him. Was there a point to anything when he didn't have love?

Truth begged for Grell to get out of bed, and the redhead complied - but only for her sake. As soon as she was fed, he'd return to the bed, solemn. Just as he'd planned, he fed his light-furred feline, and was soon sombering back towards his room. He crawled under the warm covers of his bed, but even their warmth couldn't be comforting to him anymore.

Were there rules on dating William? Were there rules against femininity? And if there were... why did Mr. Knox never tell him? Why was Mr. Knox encouraging him to go for something that was impossible for him to reach?

Maybe it was just... maybe it was all his fault.

That word - that dispicable word - which had cut through me all too many times should have been there to put me back in place. I could have been saved by that word which I loathe so much. I could have used it, and none of this would have ever happened. But I was weak, and I thought that using that word on myself would onlybring pain. It would, of course, but not pain like this.

That word - that ambivalent word - which could have saved me then, was dismissed by my own blindness.

I should have used it before, because now, it really will do no better than hurt me.

Whore.

I hate that word. I've abhorred it with every fiber of my being ever since my sister gave up her child and became a prostitute. No, even before, I've hated it - after all, I'm no stranger when it comes to being addressed by such a term. It is a hateful word. The occupation isn't the trouble - it is the meaning behind someone who isn't one being addressed as such.

More proof that I'm unloved.

More evidence of my misery.

It felt as though there was some horrible beast within him, chewing on his frayed and injured nerves, sending a numb ache throughout his entire being. A beast, a parasidic monster, destroying it all with a tongue of flames that chars and burned everything Grell had ever felt with. He felt as though as his body slowly burned away, he gradually lost every last thing he could live for.

But he didn't want to die, either.

Too scary.

The cat on his bed gave his shoulder a light nudge, and Grell sighed. "Not now, dearie, I can't move," he mumbled into his pillow. He'd already cried until there were no tears left. He'd rolled over until his body had given up on finding a comfortable place. He was done. Defeated.

Beep-beep-beep!

And that beeping noise was getting really irritating. If he heard it one more time, he was going to snap. His phone had been beeping loudly since it had finished charging, and he just wasn't in the mood to see the texts that he'd gotten. Even so, he angrily grabbed the device, just to shut it up, and he pressed on the first new text.

'From: Alan. To: Grell

'Hey, Grell. How are you? Eric's such a dweeb, he just gets more and more affectionate. ;P Anyway, you up for lunch?'

Eleven days ago.

'From: Alan. To: Grell

'Grell? Call me, Grell! Eric and I just got FIRED! Boss found us making out - talk about humiliating! D:'

Nine days ago.

'From: Alan. To: Grell

'Grell? We really need to talk, dude.'

Five days ago.

'From: Alan. To: Grell

':D :D :D Idk why, but boss just hired us back! Party at ours, text if you can come!'

Three days ago.

That was odd.

Grell was hired nine days ago, and then... he was fired three days ago. Could that really just be a coincidence?

Suddenly, it all clicked.

'Mr. Knox,' and 'Mr. Spears,' were the same as 'Ronald,' and 'boss.'

Oh, hell.

Ronald Knox. Of all things, he got tangled up with Ronald Knox. That explained everything! The infamous Ronald Knox, in love with his boss, also known as William T. Spears. Eric and Alan had worked at Spears's Spectacles - they had told Grell all of the stories, but by calling everyone but William by their first names, Grell never learned exactly where they worked. And by not learning where they worked, he was completely oblivious when William fired them.

Mr. Knox's 'two good friends.'

Grell felt as though he'd fallen into the scheme of the universe. He was the world's joke.

Ronald didn't tell him those rules on purpose. He knew from the very beginning how Grell felt for William, and from the start of it all, he plotted to crush Grell's feelings to eliminate his rival. But... Grell knew that Ronald was a good man - he should have picked up on the blond's body language and subtle hints, but, of course, he had been senselessly pursuing William during the time. He and Ronald could have even been friends, but his lack of perception at such a critical time cost him that. Ronald encouraged him, perhaps not intending to get him fired; instead, the blond probably just expected William to turn Grell down, and destroy his hope of having a relationship so that Grell would move on to someone else.

'I just needed to test the waters.'

'Can you keep a secret?'

Those were the vital hints Grell needed. Mr. Knox wanted to entrust him with the secret love he held for William, but in the end, he didn't have the nerve to. The redhead almost felt sorry for the younger, when anger swamped over him, and he bit his lip.

How could I feel sorry for that little rat? He should have at least tried to play fair! his mind protested.

But really, there were some things that Grell was just done with - one was complaining, and the other was loving. He didn't want to be the world's annoyance anymore - it was an incredibly difficult role to fill, after all.

He had to give up on William completely in order to move on - if he could ever move on. If he could ever get over those devilishly beautiful green eyes, that porcelain skin, that ink-black hair, and that slender frame that would never belong to him.

Grell picked up his phone, and called Alan. (... "Grell? Where've you been, dude? Eric and I were worried about you!") The redhead bit his lip. It had been a while since he heard his friend's voice, and moreover, knowing that Eric and Alan had been his replacements was a bit tough. However, he recalled, I was the one to replace them only a week ago. Maybe I shouldn't tell him what happened...

"Alan...," Grell began, but his voice broke on him. "Oh, Alan darling..."

("Grell?" came the surprised voice. "Hey, are you all right?!")

"I was hired by Mr. Spears, Alan," Grell whispered. "I must've taken your place. And then... then... I fell in love with Mr. Spears, Alan... and... and then... Knoxie..."

("Shh, shh, I know," Alan said. "We mentioned you to Ronald yesterday. He told us everything. Gosh, Grell, you have no idea how sorry he is about what he did to you. He told us to tell you that he's so sorry over what happened, and that he wishes you could stay here and be his friend. He didn't know how hard Mr. Spears would turn you down.")

"He said all that?" Grell said. "But... he still..."

("Jeez, Grell, of all people in the world, you fell for Mr. Spears," Alan whispered. "Why'd you do it? Everyone talks about him.")

"... He just seemed so nice...," Grell mumbled.

("He's a snake in human skin, Grell. Ronald's a fool for thinking that Mr. Spears will ever take him. You need to give up... you'll only get hurt if you try to pursue Mr. Spears.")

"... I know," the redhead murmured. "I'm going to give up on him..."

("It's for the best. I promise," Alan assured. "Please, just... find someone else.")

Find someone else.

Grell almost had the urge to laugh hysterically. As if he could possibly find someone. As if anyone would have the nerve to return his feelings. It was always, always like this. Every time, without fail, he would lose his reason and replace it with love, and in turn, he would have the given emotions returned as hatred.

Grell was the forbidden fruit. No one could ever partake in him without becoming a worldly annoyance as well. He was to be shunned by all, abhorred by all, and everyone was meant to be repulsed by his very existence.

Would anyone ever say otherwise? Was there a chance that somewhere out in the huge world, there was someone who could deal with him? Once upon a time, Grell would have excitedly said that his knight in shining armor would be there for him, and that it would only be a matter of days before it happened. But it never did happen. He was twenty-two years old, and no one had sought him out yet. Sure, his life wasn't even half over, but what did that matter! If he ended up with less than half of his life to share with someone who loved him, he'd be happy, but he could easily be happier.

He wanted love, and he wanted it fast.

But he no longer had the heart to search for it.

-Grell's Crush: End.

Short chapter is short. ;-; But YAY! End of Arc 1! On to Arc 2: Claude's Desire~! Oh, the fun we shall have. *evil laughter*

Dammmn! A triple-upload! First time I've pulled that for this story! :D

Review for some Mr. Faustus!