Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: Credit goes to my sister for helping me come up with the first one. Enjoy.
Captain Churuya:
The SOS Brigade was at the beach, just generally having a good time with each other. They were all lying on their towels trying to soak up some rays, when something completely awful and just plain unexpected occurred!
A ship carrying a supply of oil crashed right into the rocks. Already, its hull was sporting a gaping hole in its side, causing a massive amount of oil to gush out. The crude liquid was already spilling onto the shore and staining it black. Nearby beach-goers fled in terror!
"Oh, no!" cried Haruhi, "A nasty oil spill has threatened to poison the environment! There's only one thing we can do!"
"Why, whatever do you mean, Haruhi?" questioned Kyon. Haruhi turned and gave him her best morale-boosting stare.
"Elementary, my dear Kyon! Everybody, put on your rings! It's time to call you-know-who!" bellowed Haruhi.
Immediately, the five friends each took out a ring (from inside their bathing suits?) and placed them on their fingers. Haruhi had a red ring, Kyon had a green one, Yuki had a white one, Itsuki wore a blue one, and Mikuru's ring was yellow.
"Together now, everyone! Let our powers combine!" called out Haruhi. The five friends placed their ring hands together, while an upbeat, instrumental tune began to play from out of nowhere.
"EARTH!" yelled Kyon.
"FIRE!" yelled Haruhi.
"WIND!" yelled Yuki.
"WATER!" yelled Itsuki.
"HEART!" yelled Mikuru.
"GO, PLANET!" they all shouted together. Five beams of light shot out of the rings; each one was the same color as ring it emerged from. The beams quickly formed into a large ball of light. Suddenly, a voice could be heard from inside the ball.
"WHEN YOUR POWERS COMBINE- I AM CAPTAIN CHURUYA!" said a high-pitched voice.
The light faded, and instead of the Silver Surfer's gay twin brother standing there, was someone entirely different.
Churuya.
Wearing an outfit that could only be described as a red and blue leotard. Haruhi and the others wore looks that clearly said 'WTF!'.
"Churuya! What the hell are you doing here!" screamed Haruhi.
"Oh, well you see Gaia needed the Captain's help to eliminate global warming. It's taking a lot longer to fix, though. So while he's away, I've been assigned to handle all his duties. Isn't that great?" explained Churuya, jumping up and down excitedly.
"Churuya," cut in Kyon, "I don't mean to sound rude, but... Can you do anything at all?"
"Of course, Kyon!" chirped Churuya. The chibi turned towards a nearby restroom and headed inside. She returned moments later, carrying a bucket of soapy, hot water in one hand and a squeegee in the other.
"Time to get to work!" she cheered, dipping the squeegee in the bucket. Churuya then proceeded to wipe down an oil-covered rock near the shore. She managed to remove a small layer of oil, albeit at the speed of hot fudge being squeezed from a bottle. Kyon and Haruhi watched for a full minute, before Kyon turned to Haruhi.
"Wanna grab a cheeseburger?"
"Ehh, sure."
The five teens trudged away, leaving Churuya to her work.
"Get me one, too!" called Churuya. "Ask if they can put smoked cheese on mine!"
She went back to scrubbing the rock, when an oil-filled wave splashed against it, once again covering it in the thick fluid.
"Nyoro~n."
Time Wars:
Mikuru quickly unlocked the door to her apartment and rushed inside. She had received a phone call from Kyon, saying that Sasaki's group of followers had launched a preemptive strike against Itsuki's agency and Yuki's fellow Humanoid Interfaces. It wouldn't be long before her group called for assistance from the future.
Throwing open the door to her closet, Mikuru threw aside some costumes Haruhi had bought her, and came up with a shoe box hidden under them all.
Mikuru took off the lid and grabbed a small machine that resembled a cross between a wrist watch and an alarm clock. It was her TPDD. Smiling, Mikuru prepared to activate the device and transport herself, when...
"Hold it right there!" snarled an angry voice from right behind her.
Mikuru recognized the voice immediately, and tried to press the button that would send her into the future, only to have her TPDD slapped away by a rough hand. She spun around, her brown eyes meeting with a pair of equally brown ones.
"You!" cried Mikuru.
"Yes, me," chuckled Fujiwara.
He was now gripping her shoulder roughly with one hand, and clutching some sort of gun in his other hand. It was silver, with neon-blue stripes on both sides, and an over-sized barrel. Mikuru would have instantly thought it was a children's toy, if she hadn't seen them in action before.
"Took me awhile to track you down," Fujiwara said, while pointing the weapon at Mikuru's skull, "Now if you don't want me to put a sixth hole somewhere in your body, you'll come with me, nice and easy. I really don't want to hurt you. My friends and I only want to ask you a few questions."
Mikuru's reply was a swift elbow to Fujiwara's stomach, which caused his grip to slacken. Mikuru seized the opportunity to ram him with her shoulder, which caused Fujiwara's gun to fall out of his hand. It landed on the floor with a clatter.
When Fujiwara recovered, he was the one looking straight down the barrel of a gun.
"Don't make me shoot!" shouted Mikuru. The fear in her voice was evident.
He sneered at her. "You don't have the backbone to fire that weapon, now do you?"
She began shaking as he came a bit closer to her. "I really m-m-mean it! I'll s-shoot!"
A suddenly serious look spread over Fujiwara's face, replacing the mocking look he had earlier. He locked eyes with Mikuru.
"Your superiors never told you what happened to your father," he said.
Mikuru blinked; a buried memory in her brain began to rise.
"They told me enough!" she growled. "They told me you killed him!"
Fujiwara came even closer to Mikuru, until the gun's barrel was touching his chest. He was now close enough to touch her face.
"No, Mikuru," Fujiwara solemnly spoke. "...I am your father."
Deep, instrumental music began to play out of nowhere. Mikuru's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and her jaw dropped to the floor.
"No, no... It's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Nooooooooooooo..."
The (Sorta) Death of Haruhi Suzumiya:
The SOS Brigade were walking together from school after a club meeting. Kyon was in a hurry to get home and watch an episode of Lucky Star that he had TiVo'd, but unfortunately for him, the rest of the Brigade had decided to tag along. And to make matters worse, Haruhi was blathering on about all the new outfits she would force Mikuru to wear next week.
"I think she would look really good in a cat suit! With the ears and a little tail! Oh! Maybe another animal costume would be better! Mikuru, you like butterflies, right?" Haruhi sweetly asked a shivering Mikuru.
"Haruhi, cut it out. School's over and Miss Asahina deserves some rest, okay?" suggested Kyon.
"Oh, come on, Kyon! I thought you of all people would want to see Mikuru in a cute little outfit. Plus, Brigade activities end when I say so!" Haruhi cried, rather rudely. The group was now standing in front of a busy intersection and waiting for the light to change to green.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm going home now. See ya," said Kyon, turning away to leave. He stopped only when Haruhi grabbed the back of his collar and pulled him backwards. Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru looked on warily.
"Don't walk away, when I'm talking to you!" Haruhi pouted. She gave another rough tug.
"Let go of me!" Kyon growled, flailing his arms about. In his throes, Kyon accidentally pushed Haruhi away. The sudden action caught her off guard and she stumbled...
Right off the curb and into the street.
"LOOK OUT, MISS SUZUMIYA!" screamed Mikuru.
Haruhi looked to her right and saw a truck carrying watermelons coming straight at her, the driver already trying to hit the brakes. Haruhi quickly dashed out of harm's way, but in her fear, she accidentally rushed further out onto the road.
Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki watched in amazement as Haruhi dodged a motorcycle, a scooter, a bus full of tourists, a tanker truck, a car transporting antique swords, and a truck carrying sharks to the local aquarium. Before they knew it, Haruhi was on the sidewalk across from her friends, and off the street.
"WOO-HOO! I LIVE!" she cried, pumping a fist into the air.
And that's when a blimp fell from the sky and crushed Haruhi Suzumiya.
Three Days Later...
Haruhi opened her eyes and saw that she was in a hospital room. She was wearing a gown and lying in a comfy bed. Groaning, the tsundere stepped out her bed shakily. It was then that Haruhi noticed that her ribbon and armband were lying on a small nightstand next to her. She was just in the middle of putting them on, when a nurse came into the room.
"Oh! You're awake! Wonderful!" the nurse cried with relief.
"W-What happened to me?" asked Haruhi.
"Oh, right. You probably don't even remember. You've been in a coma for three days. You were hit by a blimp!"
"I WAS HIT BY A WHAT?"
The nurse quickly explained what had happened: The blimp had been soaring high above the city and had crashed right down into the street below because of a failing engine. Surprisingly, Haruhi was the only one who had been injured; everyone else had received minor cuts and bruises. The doctors and nurses had actually believed Haruhi was a lost cause; her recovery caused more than a few trained professionals to scratch their heads in confusion. Her doctor actually did a double take upon entering the room to see what the nurse had called him in for.
An hour later, Haruhi's parents were swamping their child with hugs and kisses, much to her displeasure. As they were paying her hospital bill, Haruhi saw four familiar figures sitting in the waiting room.
"GUYS! You came to see me!" yelled an ecstatic Haruhi, rushing forward to her friends. Instead of receiving looks of happiness and joy, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki all gave Haruhi looks of surprise and fear. Haruhi didn't seem to notice though.
"H-H-Haruhi, you're a-a-alive?" stammered Kyon, who looked suddenly ill.
"Yup! It takes a lot more than a wimpy blimp to take me out!" Haruhi bragged, puffing out her chest.
"We t-thought you were d-d-dead..." muttered Mikuru, who had a tone of disappointment to her voice.
"Yes, your injures did seem to be quite serious. We didn't know what to believe..." said Itsuki. During Haruhi's accident, Itsuki and the others were quite sure the world would end. But for those three days, the world had actually seemed much more peaceful than it already was. The smile he was currently sporting looked a bit more forced than usual.
"We assumed you had perished," deadpanned Yuki. She looked a lot more dead in the face than she had always been.
"Ha ha ha ha! Oh, you guys kill me!" laughed Haruhi, grabbing the boy, time-traveler, esper, and alien in a bear-hug. She obviously wasn't picking up on their true feelings about her revival.
"Hey, what's that?" Haruhi said, pointing at a pink box that was resting in Mikuru's arms.
"We brought a cake. We were going to eat it after we made sure you were worm food," said Kyon bluntly. Haruhi didn't seem to hear him.
Opening up the box, the reality-warper saw that the box did indeed contain a cake. It was square, with white frosting, blue frosting lining the sides, and right in the center was a message written completely in red icing that said, "DING-DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD!".
"Sweet!" squealed Haruhi, sticking a finger into the cake and into her mouth. "Ooh, chocolate! My favorite! You guys are the best! Let's take this to Yuki's apartment and have a party! I'll go ask my parents for permission. Wait here, okay?" She grabbed the box from Mikuru's arms and headed off towards her parents. Kyon and the others just stood there in silence.
Seconds later, Mikuru broke down and lay on the floor sobbing in the fetal position.
A/N: I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Credit goes to leonazo for the Star Wars idea (even though it was a joke. LOL).
Stay tuned for another chapter! It will only have one story though.
Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!