Dearest Mother,
It is my hope that this letter finds you in good spirits, as mine cannot be contained. King Frèyr and the Princess Sigyn have been exceedingly accommodating and ceaselessly patient over the past weeks as I have begun my studies at the Sanctum, and it was with great surprise that I learned that some of Asgard's greatest leaders had studied here, and that they had been left out of our archives. This is something I aim to remedy once I return.
In the spirit of new beginnings, I have to confess that I find myself overwhelmed at times, but with joy and pride rather than the darkness that used to poison me from within. The Masters here have expressed their intuition that I was born with an innate connection to magic, and that all I needed to harness it was the right instruction - with no offense forwarded to you, as you are the greatest Queen the Nine Realms has had in generations and your knowledge in seidr is nothing to underestimate. It is due to your guidance that I have come this far as a practitioner already, and I could never thank you enough for that, and for allowing me to come here.
With regards to my abilities, as you well know, I have always been able to manipulate cold, particularly in response to my intolerance to heat. I discussed this issue in length with one of my Masters, and she believes that this power inside of me exists to protect me, and the fact that it has been there since I was an infant that couldn't possibly control it suggests that I am a born sorcerer with the potential to someday be a powerful seidr Master. It is a lot to live up to, but I can feel in my bones that there is more than a grain of truth to it.
With winter now in full swing, I find my time in Alfheim to be much more comfortable than it would be in Asgard, as the weather swings to such extremes there that I was forced to remain indoors nearly all year while the seasons are much more mild here. This realm is truly breathtaking, its forests and architecture a thing of rare beauty that I was unprepared for - and the Alfar are a sophisticated people who are practiced in magic and in the appreciation of life. Only yesterday I was walking through the castle gardens after snowfall, reciting incantations to myself, and I saw and joined Princess Sigyn and several common Alfar in skating on the lake that had frozen over. Somehow it is in their blood to balance work and play without an overindulgence in either, and they are happier for it. As am I.
My mind often wanders to home, to you and Thor and Father and the Kingdom's affairs. There are a few Aesir Healers in training here at the Sanctum, but they are not privy to castle gossip and know next to nothing about what goes on. It takes little stretch of the imagination to believe life is a bit less complicated for you without me there to enrage Father with my failures or for Thor to pass blame onto for his latest antics. I will be granted visitation time after my first decade of studying has been completed, and I will be released to spend that autumn season in Asgard before the next year starts. I believe you will find me a changed person, unrecognizable from the shell of a boy I once was, and I hope it makes you proud.
I will write you again the next full moon, and in the meantime I would enjoy hearing from you. It is with best wishes for your continued health and happiness that I send my love. Perhaps I will learn to cast illusions between realms over the next few years so I can speak to you in person more often.
Loki
.-
Five years had passed since Loki first came to Alfheim, his skills flourishing, his confidence higher than ever, and even his room boasted brighter colors and a larger bay window to let in more light. The princess Sigyn was becoming like a younger sister to him, and they both looked to each other for advice and support as she approached the age to begin her own studies at the Sanctum. On the last day of the fifth summer, Loki sat on a chair in his bathroom letting Gwyn braid his hair, which had grown down to the middle of his back with not a single split end in sight, thanks to Gwyn's tedious care. Loki was still grateful that he had such a spirited and dedicated maid to help him, and she insisted she was happy to take care of the small things like dressing and cleaning so his mind was free to worry about the big things - his studies, inter-realm diplomacy, and learning from Frèyr what it meant to be a good and efficient King, even if he never got the throne.
Gwyn ran Loki's brush through the bottom half of his hair that wasn't braided, slowly working the oils through to tame his curls. "So when were you going to tell us?" she asked casually, and Loki frowned, his heart skipping a beat. He had tried to keep it private, at least for now.
"Tell you what?"
"Alright, I get it," she conceded. "I won't push. You're a Prince, though, so people are bound to figure it out eventually, especially when you pick one as handsome as you did." Loki met her eyes in the mirror, his cheeks and ears bright red, and she winked at him.
.-
Mother,
Now that the first five years of my apprenticeship have been completed and I have proven my worth amongst the student body, the Masters are granting me further privileges at the Sanctum, including access to certain restricted material and private practice time with more advanced skills like teleportation and camouflaging magic. The Alfar possess the largest collection of texts and reference books in the Nine Realms, giving me unparallelled opportunity to further my education. Indeed, if Thor takes the throne as I expect he will, I may choose to become a teacher myself in the future, to fill in the gaps that Asgardian schools leave.
For the first time I find myself vexed by affairs of the heart, even amidst the work I have to do as part of my training. It feels superfluous to pursue something that will likely only be a fleeting infatuation, but even so, I cannot ignore what draws my attention - and I fail to find the right person to ask advice from.
There is someone from Vanaheim that I have studied alongside for the last five years and with whom I have developed a close friendship. But there's more than the innocent friendly feelings one might have - that one should have.
I find my thoughts drifting to my friend when they are not otherwise occupied with scholarly endeavors. I find myself wishing to spend more hours together. I find myself daydreaming about him! I am surprised I haven't started writing love stories about us.
Yes, it is a "he". Which is part of why I am conflicted. I realized I have no qualms with the notion of a relationship between people of the same gender. The Alfar and the Vanir are open to all kinds of demonstrations of love, much more than Asgard. I just never thought it would happen to me.
I cannot describe the way he makes me feel, or the way we understand each other with just a look. Small things make me think he might feel the same way. But I can't escape the tightness that sets in my chest every time I think maybe he doesn't.
It could be something, it could be nothing, but if there was only one thing I have learned about intuition, it's to trust it. Only time will show whether my affections are returned - and after all, all we have is time.
I expect Father would be none too pleased if he knew this, and I am confiding in you because I know you won't tell him and even will help me in dispelling rumours that I am sure have reached Asgard.
As always, I send my love and promise that I will take my leave at the first opportunity so you can stop worrying so much, at least for a while.
Loki
.-
Loki received a reply letter faster than he ever had before, his heart skipping quite a few beats when he returned to his room after supper less than a week later. He held the textured and sealed paper in one hand and fussed with his braid in the other, debating whether to open it or not - suppose Odin had intercepted or found his last letter and this was a notice that he was being disowned? What if Frigga shared the knowledge of his friend Erik and they were all laughing at him back home?
No, Loki scolded himself for even thinking of such a betrayal from his own mother. You're being ridiculous. It has Frigga's seal on the wax enclosure. He took a seat at his desk and opened the letter with shaking hands, and he could hear Gwyn letting herself in as he read, grateful she didn't interrupt him as she busied herself getting his bath and sleeping clothes ready.
The letter detailed the latest goings-on at the castle and Kingdom, from Thor's upcoming diplomatic trip to Vanaheim, wherein the Prince would stay at the castle for a week and negotiate the new trade dealings in Odin's stead, to the recruitment of a rather feisty woman warrior named Sif to Thor's inner circle of friends, and the speculation that she would one day be his intended.
Frigga went on to conclude in her brief reply that it would be wise to keep anything romantic that would happen between himself and his friend in private as much as possible so word would not reach Asgard, that she supported him but his father would not, and she would do what was necessary to quell any gossip about him. Few people dared to question the Allmother, Loki knew.
When he finished, Loki saw Gwyn standing next to him with a patient smile on her face, her hands folded in front of her. Having gotten to know the woman over the past few years, Loki trusted Gwyn, and wanted to feel comfortable telling her about Erik - and a part of him suspected she knew anyway - but since even he wasn't sure that it was anything to tell at all, he decided not to. He looked up at Gwyn's soft eyes and half-smiled.
"Is all well in the Capitol, your Highness?" She had her eyebrow quirked up in the way it always did when she was trying to say something without actually saying it out loud. Gwyn knew him too well sometimes.
Loki ran his thumb over the broken wax seal and shrugged his shoulders. "They're… trying to figure out whether to start an alliance with a neighboring planet, but they're, ah, unsure whether relations with them are secure enough to do so."
Gwyn hummed cryptically. "I see. I often find that answers lie in instinct of the heart, but I am just a handmaid and you don't have to listen to me, my Prince."
Loki had to smile at that. "One would be wise," he assured her, "to heed the advice of a woman who has had her finger on the pulse of a thriving kingdom for thousands of years, even if she is a maid."
.-
Loki and Erik exited the tavern in a giggle fit; they had caused enough mayhem for the night and they were politely invited to leave, after perhaps just a bit too much to drink.
Over the years, the pair had become infamous as the trickster duo, as it was their trademark to pull pranks together at any possible moment in a way that wouldn't get them in trouble for it. Though the Masters at the Sanctum, as well as most of the older adults in Alfheim's nearby villages, found their tricks to be less than amusing, the two friends still had risen their way to the top of their classes, had many friends, and were hardly ever seen without the other close by.
Loki walked Erik to the village's group home he and their Vanir classmates shared during the courses. It was late, and fully dark outside, the springtime insects and gurgling river creating a nighttime symphony that kept the atmosphere light. The laughs they were having on the way slowly turned into an awkward silence when they reached the gates.
"I'll see you tomorrow then," Loki said with a small smile, and turned to leave.
Erik held his breath, and grabbed Loki's hand, pulling him back. His other hand pulled Loki down by the neck. Loki was too stunned to do anything, and accepted the kiss Erik offered with joy. If Erik weren't holding on to him, Loki might have leapt with happiness.
The kiss wasn't much, and too short for Loki's liking, but it left them both breathless and shaking slightly anyway.
"I've been wanting to do that for a while now," Erik confessed, hands sliding down Loki's shoulders and chest, his fingers fidgeting with the strings that tied his tunic closed in the front. "Years."
"Why didn't you do it sooner?" Loki asked, part of him still unwilling to believe what had happened.
"You are an aesir prince!"
"So?"
"So?" Erik said with a scoff. He threw his arms out to the side in an exasperated shrug. "Asgard is not renowned for their acceptance of- unconventional relationships."
Loki looked at his own shoes, face red with embarrassment. "I know, and you have no idea how hard it is to-" He gulped, not sure if he wanted to say what was next, what had lain heavy in his heart for over half a decade.
Erik sighed deeply and took Loki's hands, stepping closer to him. "Please be honest with me, Loki. I swear I won't get mad and I swear will still be friends. We've known each other for too long to change that."
Loki's heart was pounding inside his chest when he looked at Erik. Every word was jumbled in his throat, making it hard to breathe. Honest? First he had to be honest with himself… With every second Loki took to answer, Erik's hold on his hands slacked. If he let go-
"No." Loki suddenly breathed out, startling Erik.
Loki gripped Erik's hands and pulled him close again, leaning down to kiss him. This second kiss was far better. Loki was more confident and comfortable, knowing Erik felt the same way he did. Erik wrapped his arms around Loki's neck as he stood on the tip of his toes, trying to deepen the kiss.
"Damn you for being so tall!" Erik said, breaking away to breathe.
"Would you like me to summon a box?" Loki teased. "Or maybe a ladder?"
"Shut up!" Erik slapped Loki's arm, playfully squirming to get away from him.
But Loki tightened his grip around Erik, his giggles falling on Erik's hair. Erik took a deep breath, wrapping his arms around Loki's waist.
"This feels nice," Erik said after a moment's thoughtful silence.
Loki had to agree. Erik's height was just so that the top of his head tucked right under his own chin. He gently cupped the back of Erik's neck with one hand and ran his hand down Erik's back with the other. He didn't want this stolen moment to end - but of course he knew it had to.
"I am sorry that I will have to ask you to keep it from public view." Loki sighed, deflated. "Mostly at the school. With the Aesir healers-"
"Of course." Erik looked up at Loki, pushing a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "Word travels fast there."
"I really have to get back to the palace," Loki said somberly. He took Erik's face in his trembling hands and gave him another quick, soft kiss.
"Then I will see you tomorrow, and we can do more of this, preferably while sitting down." Erik chuckled, the sound even more charming to Loki than before.
"I can still summon a box," Loki mused, getting an annoyed eye roll from Erik. "Goodnight."
Loki watched Erik depart and sprinted the rest of the way back to the castle, taking the secret entrance that Sigyn had shown him years before to avoid the guards. When he got back to his room, his heart was still flying with exultation, and he could hardly contain his breathless, joyful laughter as he fell onto his immaculately made bed and buried his head in his pillows.
All day the next day at the Sanctum, Loki had to force himself to stop constantly thinking about Erik so he could focus in class. He and Erik stole looks at each other from across rooms, touched hands beneath tables when they got to sit together, and sneaked off to the restrooms to kiss during lunch break, all the while hoping desperately that no one would catch them.
"This examination coming next week is going to be brutal," Erik groaned as they were walking toward the palace once the day was over. Loki knew Erik was referring to the hours-long practical exam in conjuring and teleportation just a few days away, and they were going to study together at the palace to get some practice - and alone time - in. They were within shouting distance of the castle and Loki couldn't wait to take Erik to the library for some privacy.
Seeing no one around, Loki put his arm around Erik's shoulders and squeezed. "I know," he said wearily, "but if there's anyone that can pass, it's you. And me, with you there," he added, and Erik looked up at him with a flattered smile.
"Loki, my dear boy!" Frèyr's ringing voice carried down the path to the two of them and they parted with a jump. "Erik, how lovely to see you! Will you be joining us for supper this evening?"
Erik, completely frozen in place, had been rendered unable to speak by the surprise of the moment, so Loki answered for him. "Yes, he will," he said confidently, practiced in the art of hiding his emotions. "We have a test to study for, so we'll be going to the library."
Frèyr looked from one boy to the other, his eyes twinkling. "Of course," he said, a smile spreading wide across his face. "I will ensure none of the guards or staff will interrupt your… studying."
Loki found himself less than hungry at dinner, distracted by Erik's foot tapping his underneath the table. He poked his food around with his fork and kept looking from where Frèyr and Sigyn were talking, to across the table where Erik was staring at him while he ate. He could still feel the ghost of Erik's lips on his own, could smell his hair on his clothes. His thoughts back in the library, Loki stroked his thumb on his lower lip, and didn't hear Frèyr addressing him until he got a light tap on his shoulder.
"Loki, your boyfriend asked you a question."
Loki sat up straight and dropped his fork. "Oh, sorry, Erik," he said distractedly, "what were you saying?"
A second too late, Loki realized his mistake. He and Erik stared at each other with wide eyes, neither of them breathing, until Frèyr and Sigyn broke the silence and tension with their laughter.
Sigyn pushed against Erik's shoulder and took a sip of her wine. "Calm down, you two," she said, and patted Erik's hand. "You guys are safe here."
Loki closed his eyes and sighed with relief. He should have known. "You understand why we didn't say anything, right?" He opened his eyes again to see Erik's terrified expression. "My father, he can't find out about this. He would be… displeased."
"You didn't have to say anything you didn't want to say, Loki." Frèyr said, patting Loki's shoulder. "Besides…" The king looked at his daughter.
"We've known for a while now, you guys are as subtle as mating bilgesnipes."
.-
"Is it true you get to leave when the spring is over?"
Erik and Loki were walking down the white cobblestone path toward the castle after class to study together - and other things - less than a month before Loki's scheduled visit to see his family in Asgard. It had been a long and productive ten years, and Loki had grown in more ways he had ever thought possible, physically, emotionally, and in his power.
Loki smiled down at Erik sadly at this reminder. "Yes, and I am both looking forward to it and dreading it all at once," he admitted, and shifted the weight of his books from one arm to the other, freeing the one closest to Erik. His hand was close enough to touch Erik without it looking awkward to anyone else who might see, he could put his arm on his shoulder…
"It's the King, right?" Erik's question interrupted Loki's thoughts and he nearly jumped. "And your brother."
"Am I that transparent?" Loki teased, knowing there had been many times that the two of them spoke of little else. Erik had the intuition and ear of a healer, being Vanir by birth, with the intellect, strength, and reflexes, if not the height, of a future seidr warrior, and many a discussion between them over the years had segued to Loki's family.
Erik bumped playfully into Loki's side, making him stumble briefly, and they laughed. "I've said this before," he began, slowing down his walking pace, "but you need to remember, they need to remember, you're not the kid you were when you got here. You've changed - for the better, I think - and you have the power now to prove it. Remind them."
Loki's lips turned up in a smile that did not reach his eyes. Grasping Loki's wrist, Erik pulled him to a stop, staring up at him with a serious expression. "I mean it. You can't let them walk all over you, Loki. Look at you - you're thriving, you're growing, you're…"
Loki's stomach clenched and he fought the urge to brush Erik's wild hair from his face. There was no guessing who might pass them and see. "I'm…what?"
Erik squeezed Loki's wrist a little tighter and cleared his throat. "You're a Prince," he finished, breathing harder than before. "Far be it from me to know the dynamics of a royal family, or question the King, but it has always sounded like you've been treated as second-best. You don't deserve that."
Loki's heart warmed at Erik's words. Somewhere in his mind he knew Erik was right, but he wasn't sure that he would be of the same level of confidence when he returned to see his family. Loki had made a life for himself here among the Alfar; he had friends, and a boyfriend (albeit a secret one) and he had found new family bonds with the King and Princess, ones he doubted could be broken by distance or time.
"Just... remember what you have here, Loki," Erik said warmly. "Whenever they get you down or they don't appreciate you enough, remember what you've built here."
.-
The first day of summer was almost upon them. Term was over, and Loki had excelled once again on his examinations, so much that Master Indilwen had offered him the chance to advance his education through private lessons. It was an honor to be granted such opportunity, knowing Master Indilwen was the most skilled shapeshifter in the Nine Realms. Loki had studied the craft extensively, but lacked the proper guidance. He accepted the master's offer without much thought.
The night before his departure, Loki was in his chambers, trying to select what to bring to Asgard with him and putting it inside of one of his trunks. The short blond boy sitting on his desk with his legs dangling over the side was something Loki would like to throw inside as well.
"Promise you will write."
They had had this same conversation nearly every day for the preceding month, but Loki knew Erik couldn't help the sad whine in his voice. "Every week," he promised, giving Erik a wink.
"And no ogling over those Aesir warriors, with their tall and sculpted bodies."
Loki dropped a few journals inside the trunk and looked at Erik flatly. "If the Aesir's tall and sculpted bodies were my kind of thing, what would I be doing with a tadpole such as yourself?" He laughed and bumped Erik's leg with his elbow.
Erik huffed and crossed his arms, feigning offense. Loki shook his head and closed the now full trunk with resigned finality. He took a deep breath and walked over to Erik, standing between his knees, leaning on the desk, hands on either side of his boyfriend's legs.
"I am going to miss you, my tadpole," Loki said in a low voice, leaning down to press his forehead to Erik's. He could smell the earthy scent of Erik's skin, the gentle soapy aroma of his hair and clothes, with just a hint of sandalwood oil. Once again Loki fought the urge to simply toss Erik into his trunk and sneak him into Asgard. What a stir that would cause, he mused to himself.
"Longshanks!"
"Yes, all of them."
Loki leaned in and kissed Erik before he could retaliate and held there, savoring the feeling of his soft lips and the slight moan he gave when Loki placed his hand on the back of his neck.
"Told you they'd still be in here," Sigyn's amused voice rang from the doorway. Loki pulled back from the kiss and turned to see her standing with Gwyn, both of them smiling conspiratorially.
"Alright, boys, time's up," Gwen clucked in her mother hen voice. "The Prince has a big day tomorrow and he's going to need his sleep. Off you go, blondie."
Erik wrapped his arms around Loki's shoulders and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Loki felt him stroking his long hair, which now reached almost to the small of his back. He didn't want to let go - to let go meant accepting that it would be months before seeing Erik again - but Gwyn cleared her throat insistently and Loki knew he had to step away from the desk and let Erik get down.
"Come, now, it's only for the season," Sigyn reassured them. "Loki will be back before you know it, you'll see. You can come visit me in the meantime, Erik, I'll be preparing for my own exams." She held out her hand and Erik gave Loki one last peck on his cheek before crossing the room to take Sigyn's arm.
Loki watched morosely as Sigyn escorted Erik down the hall, and Gwen came in and patted him on the back. "I know it's hard, love, but the Princess is right - a few months is nothing compared to how long the two of you may end up together."
"Whatever will you do with your time while I'm gone?" Loki joked, trying to lighten his mood and get Erik off his mind.
"I'm sure I'll think of something," she said, crossing her arms with a smile and a wink. "I bet that if I were to dust this room from top to bottom I'd get enough of your stray hair to make a wig."
Loki couldn't think of anything else to say - he had avoided expressing his true disappointment in being away to keep Erik from getting upset, and the tears he had held back were threatening to appear. He knew it was pointless to feel this way, because, after all, it was only for a few months, but if truth be told, Loki was not looking forward to seeing anyone but his mother. Maybe Thor, if he dug deep. He brushed Gwyn's hand away when she tried to pat his arm.
"I don't want to bathe tonight, I just want to go to bed, if you don't mind," he said, in no mood to be consoled. He spoke with a sharp and cold inflection that made his maid frown. She hurried around the room to gather up his nighttime clothes in a pile on his bed and gave him an understanding smile before bowing and taking her leave for the night.